The Secrets of Pro

_-ProCaw-_ · Helpless prey Posts: 25 Join date: 2009-09-28 Age: 18

I've written down a few stories so far of Felarya so I thought I'd go ahead and link em here for everyone! ^^

I'm not what you'd call a master writer so, please go easy on me! I'll update this post when I have a new chapter!

Awaken Sleep

What the heck is going on here?! confused

The Mystories of Pro! Shocked

Twists and Turns! Exclamation

_-ProCaw-_ · Helpless prey Posts: 25 Join date: 2009-09-28 Age: 18

I've added the third chapter in Pro's story! Yay for me! ^^ Took a while to get around to it but..... ^^; It's done now!

Anime-Junkie · Subject: Re: The Secrets of Pro Sun Oct 18, 2009 10:20 pm

This is well written. I look forward to the next chapter.

However, you've made some mistakes in spelling. I've taken the liberty of correcting them for you (I hope you don't mind).

In chapter 2 (What the Hecks going on here?):

"Damn dirdder has no respect for anyone!"
should be
"Damn driddler has no respect for anyone!"

"This woman wasn't only giant, she had to be 60 feet tall, AT LEAST! And also very beautiful, her long block hair and brown eye's"
should be
"This woman wasn't only giant, she had to be at least60 feet tall, She was also very beautiful, her long black hair and brown eyes,"

I mean "neko's" don't do it for me! Ewww!"
should be
"I mean, "nekos" don't do it for me! Ewww!"

"Unlike Marrama over there, I don't like to teas my food! It ruins the flavor!"
should be
"Unlike Marrama over there, I don't like to tease my food! It ruins the flavor!"

In chapter 3 (Mysteries of Pro):

Leaving both his buddies in sock and fear!
should be
Leaving both his buddies in shock and fear!

Pro said in sock and horror at what she'd just done.
should be
Pro said in shock and horror at what she'd just done.

_________________

Humans are supposed to be supreme underdogs. They shouldn't have such devices that give them a good chance at survival. - Silent_Eric

_-ProCaw-_ · Helpless prey Posts: 25 Join date: 2009-09-28 Age: 18

I've updated chapter four now! Please check it out if you would!
Also sorry for lack of activity! Life kind if gets in the way of things! ^^;

Anime-Junkie@ Well I thank you for taking the time to do that! It's super nice of you! I'll try and work on them when I have the time!

Anime-Junkie · Subject: Re: The Secrets of Pro Mon Nov 02, 2009 10:38 am

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

I've updated chapter four now! Please check it out if you would!
Also sorry for lack of activity! Life kind if gets in the way of things! ^^;

Anime-Junkie@ Well I thank you for taking the time to do that! It's super nice of you! I'll try and work on them when I have the time!

Glad I could be of service. Very Happy

Mistakes in Chapter 4 (Twists and Turns)

She glared at Pro with cold uncaring eye's of steel.
Should Be
She glared at Pro with cold uncaring eyes of steel.

The woman said coldly as she reached into her top and pulled out a small pistol from her bra(Which Pro thought was an interesting choice to but a gun)And aimed the small handgun right at Pro who was in shock at seeing someone pointing a gun at her.
Should Be
The woman said coldly as she reached into her top and pulled out a small pistol from her bra. (Pro thought it was an interesting place to but a gun). She aimed the small handgun right at Pro who was in shock at seeing someone pointing a gun at her.

The woman pulled back the trigger of her pistol, there was a loud bang that followed! Pro shut her eye's tight and waited for the fatal shot to end her life! But as a hand full of seconds went by, Pro didn't feel anything. Was she dead already? She wondered to herself. Pro opened her eye's a little to see someone standing in front of her now.
Should Be
A loud bang echoed through the street as the woman pulled the trigger. Pro shut her eyes tight and waited for the fatal shot to end her life, but as a hand full of seconds went by, Pro didn't feel anything.
"Am I dead already?" She wondered to herself. Pro opened her eyes a little to see someone standing in front of her now.

His eye's were hidden beneath the shadow of the bill.
Pro could tell from the hair that was not covered by the cap he had brown hair that was short.
Should Be
His eyes were hidden beneath the shadow of the peak.
The hair that wasn't covered by the cap was brown and trimmed short.

"Where am I.....? Howed I get here? GAH!!?"
Should Be
"Where am I.....? How'd I get here? GAH!!?"

And she thought Marrama was busted!
Should Be
And she had thought that Marrama was busty!

I thik you desciption of Vivian is also slightly off.
'Her hair was such a light blue it almost looked white and her skin was a light purple color.'
Vivian has purple hair, not blue. (I assume you're describing Vivian here, who else could it be? Razz

)

My only other qualm is that you use exclamation marks a bit too much.

Other than that, this is great! can't wait for the next one Wink

_-ProCaw-_ · Helpless prey Posts: 25 Join date: 2009-09-28 Age: 18

Anime-Junkie wrote:

I'm very glad you'd take your time for helping me fix my errors!

And yes that was Vivian! None other! X//3
I based the description off of what was on the wiki. It did say she had very light blue hair that was almost white and light purple skin.

Anime-Junkie · Subject: Re: The Secrets of Pro Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:23 am

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Anime-Junkie wrote:

I'm very glad you'd take your time for helping me fix my errors!

And yes that was Vivian! None other! X//3
I based the description off of what was on the wiki. It did say she had very light blue hair that was almost white and light purple skin.

It does..? Well, I can't fault you for taking it from the wiki.
I was looking to Karbo's art for Vivian description. In his art she has purple hair.

_-ProCaw-_ · Helpless prey Posts: 25 Join date: 2009-09-28 Age: 18

Anime-Junkie wrote:

I thought that at first too myself. But I'm still grateful for your help! Maybe you could become my editor? ^^
Well, ya kind of already have with my last three stories! I think I can make some interesting story ideas... But I feel I fall short on the grammar part of writing... ^//^;;

Anime-Junkie · Subject: Re: The Secrets of Pro Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:48 am

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Anime-Junkie wrote:

It does..? Well, I can't fault you for taking it from the wiki.
I was looking to Karbo's art for Vivian description. In his art she has purple hair

I thought that at first too myself. But I'm still grateful for your help! Maybe you could become my editor? ^^

Of course! I'd Be happy to. Very Happy

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Well, ya kind of already have with my last three stories! I think I can make some interesting story ideas... But I feel I fall short on the grammar part of writing... ^//^;;

It's the other way round for me. I'm great at spelling & grammar, but I rarely have story ideas.

_-ProCaw-_ · Helpless prey Posts: 25 Join date: 2009-09-28 Age: 18

Anime-Junkie wrote:

Well, guess that makes us the perfect duo! ^^
You have an account on DeviantART?

Anime-Junkie · Subject: Re: The Secrets of Pro Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:10 pm

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Anime-Junkie wrote:

Well, guess that makes us the perfect duo! ^^
You have an account on DeviantART?

Indeed it does. Very Happy

Yes I have an account (although I don't really like the name that much >_>; )

Another thing, you've misspelt 'mysteries' in you link to the Mysteries of Pro in the top post.

EliteCreature · Subject: Anime Junkie! Tue Nov 03, 2009 4:35 pm

Anime Junkie! (The Felaryaean Editor!)

Anime-Junkie · Subject: Re: The Secrets of Pro Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:34 am

EliteCreature wrote:

Anime Junkie! (The Felaryean Editor!)

Thanks!

You spelt 'Felaryan' wrong

EliteCreature · Subject: your welcome! Wed Nov 04, 2009 2:32 am

your Welcome!

JohnDoe · Roaming thug Posts: 107 Join date: 2009-05-06

Interesting story you got here.

And dang Pro seems to be following the path of vore pretty quickly!