Prologue, any toughts?

I am typing up my first Felarya story right now. It involves a boy from earth who manages to become a hero by collecting nine awesome blades. He ends up there by touching an injured subeta, who warped dimensions to avoid being killed.(Yes i have permission to use main characters) I only have the prologue done now. What do you think?

The 9 Great Swords of Felarya

Prologue: Subeta bent down to examine a jade trinket. “Whoa! This is lovely! I’ll just take that!” Subeta was in a size around 4 feet tall. She was rather relaxed as she searched through the forest for treasures. She then found an amulet that appeared to be made of topaz. As she bent to pick it up, a horrible, sharp pain shot from her back. She turned to face the problem, and saw a very disturbed, evil, deranged looking human. He was holding a blade that was pure white in color, except for the blood it had just been stained with. Only then did Subeta realize, she had been caught off guard and slashed, her wings being damaged, but not completely torn. The man darkly said, “Well, I guess I should cut deeper next time……” He rose to strike again, and Subeta, using the little energy she had left, flew off. The man pursued, preparing to finish the job. Subeta, on impulse, warped. Dimensions flashed before her in seconds. She finally stopped at one, and slowly flitted down to the service, wincing in pain. As she laid down to try and recuperate, she sort of, slipped from consciousness. She was in world with little to no magic. A world named Earth. This is where our story begins.

alliance wrote:

I am typing up my first Felarya story right now. It involves a boy from earth who manages to become a hero by collecting nine awesome blades. He ends up there by touching an injured subeta, who warped dimensions to avoid being killed.(Yes i have permission to use main characters) I only have the prologue done now. What do you think?

The 9 Great Swords of Felarya

Prologue: Subeta bent down to examine a jade trinket. “Whoa! This is lovely! I’ll just take that!” Subeta was in a size around 4 feet tall. She was rather relaxed as she searched through the forest for treasures. She then found an amulet that appeared to be made of topaz. As she bent to pick it up, a horrible, sharp pain shot from her back. She turned to face the problem, and saw a very disturbed, evil, deranged looking human. He was holding a blade that was pure white in color, except for the blood it had just been stained with. Only then did Subeta realize, she had been caught off guard and slashed, her wings being damaged, but not completely torn. The man darkly said, “Well, I guess I should cut deeper next time……” He rose to strike again, and Subeta, using the little energy she had left, flew off. The man pursued, preparing to finish the job. Subeta, on impulse, warped. Dimensions flashed before her in seconds. She finally stopped at one, and slowly flitted down to the service, wincing in pain. As she laid down to try and recuperate, she sort of, slipped from consciousness. She was in world with little to no magic. A world named Earth. This is where our story begins.

.......

All of the above made me utterly sick. Here is why:

allience wrote:

She was rather relaxed as she searched through the forest for treasures

First off, you do realize that treasures such as jade trinkets or otherwise Topaz amulets do not simply sit idly about on the forest floor, yes? If indeed she was searching for such items as these, there are a few areas in which they may be found, but the forest is CERTAINLY not one of them. Quite frankly, that made no sense and I am disappoint.

As for the dimensional warping thing itself:

Felarya wiki wrote:

This particular species can be found in Deeper Felarya and a few other zones. They are rather similar to other fairies aside from their habit of living mostly near the top of the trees, and their excellent skills in dimensional magic. Phasing in and out of this dimension is as natural as breathing to them, which needless to say, makes them extremely dangerous. When a being phases out of this dimension it becomes almost invisible to normal eyes and cannot be harmed by any physical means. As if this ability wasn't bad enough, a canopy fairy can resort to deadly spells such as their terrible "belly warp": an almost invisible magical trap that teleports the victim directly into the stomach of the fairy who set it!

The above is taken from the official Felaryan wikipedia on the canopy fairies (I assume this is one based upon the dimensional shift thing). You seem to have not noticed that this dimensional phase ability of theirs does not transport them to a different world entirely, but instead simply makes them nigh invulnerable on the dimensional plane in which a person intends to harm them. Plus, common sense would dictate that if someone were to have a power that would teleport them to a foreign world entirely upon use, they would not fucking use it. It's more of a suck superpower than anything in that case. Besides, even if the ability were so great as to allow transport between worlds/dimension or what have you, I'm certain it would have been reduced in effectiveness off the bat due to her injured wings. (Which fairies depend upon for their magic.)

Again, that action makes no sense.

In addition, even for a prologue I find this to be short. It is a crude wall of text that only serves to lower expectations on sight. An issue to be sure.


So....you want to know what I think?


I. Hate. This.


No. Really. A more sensible revision would be most advised unless you want to receive alot of heat for this.

I have to say, I kinda agree with Warrior here. The problem's aren't just in the above, though; the story direction is iffy a bit. And by iffy, I mean hard to execute, and just a little bit dumb. Okay, well, to me it's REALLY dumb, but I have odd preferences. At any rate, Subeta's no fool in the first place, too.

And the length and fact that it's a wall of text is really, really annoying, and a real put-off.

You may want to rethink this, or at least get a bit more experience writing before you try something like this...

Also, please don't listen to me that much, I hardly write myself, and I'm not a very good source for advice, I'm just stating my opinion.

Okay... where to start...

Just because you have permission to use main characters doesn't mean you should, especially as a novice. There is nothing in this story to indicate Subeta is Subeta rather than any other fairy.

As well, your idea frankly sounds awful. To quote.

"It involves a boy from earth who manages to become a hero by collecting nine awesome blades".

This sounds like the plot to a really badly written video game, not a story.

Now... for the writing.

Firstly, you start with no context whatsoever. I'm not one for lengthy introductions, but something here would be helpful. It would also help with your problem of utter and complete lack of characterization. You just state things, you don't describe. This makes your sentences painful and boring. Also, as a wall of text, it's a chore for readers to get through it.

Your problems with character continue. "... A disturbed, evil, deranged looking human." How the hell can we tell he is disturbed and evil? What does deranged look like? We have no clue what this character is at all. One of the WORST things a writer can ever do is state something. You CAN'T just go and say "This character is evil, hurr durr hurr." You can't even say "this character looks evil." You need to DESCRIBE a character.

Next, Subeta apparently loses her predator sense, or any sense for that matter and then her dimension warping ability somehow turns to crazy mode. Please, if you're going to write a story like this, could you use an original character instead of messing up an interesting canon one?

Also, your flow and sentence structure, as well as spelling, is painful. Observe.

"She finally stopped at one, and slowly flitted down to the service, wincing in pain. As she laid down to try and recuperate, she sort of, slipped from consciousness".

I assume there that you mean surface. Your text is short enough as is so I can't see how you couldn't have found time to edit. And in the second sentence, your cram commas in that have no place being there.

I realize I'm being harsh, but your problem here appears to not be only from a lack of knowledge on how to write in English, but also that you seem to have been lazy. You wrote a short, crude wall of text, un-researched, not looked over for obvious mistakes, not thought out, and existing at the very bare bones of characterization and description.

I agree that you want much more writing experience. And maybe this is your first time writing in the English language. I don't know. But you could at least make it appear that you put in an effort. Then I would be more accepting of this.

Try to get more familiar with Felarya. Also, try reading some proper books in real life to get an idea what real writing is. Then practice writing more, even just random stuff. Get someone to help you edit. Writing takes effort and writing without any is an insult to writing. You didn't even take the time to spell the title of this topic right. I have no toughts for you.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

guys, I know you don't like this (I don't either) but at least don't say things that will make him feel terrible. I'm not a mod, but if I were alliance, having everyone tell me that it's terrible and that everyone hates it is also a real put off. It is also prone to prevent him from listening to you as well.

I'm sorry, but the truth is this IS terrible. And I am many thing, but I am not a liar. I am not, however, saying that he will never become a good writer or a better writer. This is a step in a very, very wrong direction and if he needs to be slammed down to stop him continuing this way, so be it. Felarya is a universe that belongs to people other than him so he should be prepared to take heat from the already established inhabitants. Wether he listens to the criticism is up to him, not us.

well you are true in saying it's bad, but that doesn't mean that because you can flame someone down doesn't mean you should. Also, hate is a rather strong word, if everyone just keeps saying "I hate this" it's not going to go over well. Trust me.

I'm not referring to you though Jaette Troll, you responded rather well.

Archmage_Bael wrote:

well you are true in saying it's bad, but that doesn't mean that because you can flame someone down doesn't mean you should. Also, hate is a rather strong word, if everyone just keeps saying "I hate this" it's not going to go over well. Trust me.

I'm not referring to you though Jaette Troll, you responded rather well.

Just be grateful MM13 and L'Ryn haven't commented on here yet. I could see a potential suicide if those two even think of sticking their little troll noses in here.

Just remember, Karbo has told the forum several times to keep conversations civil, and words such as "hate" are definately not that.

Well, it looks like the only one who used 'Hate' was Warrior, and getting him to stop hating is like stopping the rotation of the Milky Way, then molding it into the shape of a banana before turning the black hole in the core of the galaxy into a giant wad of chocolate ice cream.

yes, I wanted to sound like I was adressing people as a reminder without naming everyone.

Hate is simply an opinion word. Warriors opinion is his to keep and state. People have the right to say what they think and feel. He was referring to the story, not alliance. If I attack alliance, that would be out of line. But he has presented this piece of writing out in the open.

If anyone is attempting to fan flames here it dlausactor with jabs at Terra. Giving honest opinion is bare facts and not trolling but some people are too self-centered to accept any sort of criticism.

troll, I really don't want to argue this. saying "hate" at any one will always result in a negative reaction, you are free to explain them grammatically(or whatever the right word is) however you wish.

we can stop now, or it can become a pissing contest.

Jætte_Troll wrote:

If anyone is attempting to fan flames here it dlausactor with jabs at Terra. Giving honest opinion is bare facts and not trolling but some people are too self-centered to accept any sort of criticism.

Well, yeah, I am a little biased, but still, I can say from experience that if you thought Warrior's opinion was harsh Terra and Kitty will beat alliance to a bloody pulp in a matter of seconds if they see this.

Well you all, I see where you are coming from. I AM very familiar with alot of the characters, but not much else. I am looking at my mistakes and trying to revise this. I plan on sticking with my idea of the elemental weapons, but using more than just swords.

You might want to overhaul the story. I tried something similar way back three years ago, with a boy possessing powers over nine elements, and whenever I look back at it, I feel like jabbing my eyes with forks. First of all, my big problem is the story of a little boy from Earth becoming a hero. If you think about it, it's a Grade A recipe for a story of a little kid with no combat experience who will kick everyone's ass because destiny says so.

Second, like everyone pointed out, Subeta lost about 20 IQ points for falling to such a stupid trap. You can't expect finding jewels randomly on the ground of the forest. The most plausible explanation is that they were dropped, but even with that justification, you worded it like jewels are around the corner of every tree.

Third, Dimensional Phasing do not work that way. It's more like a defense mechanism to hide from harm, just like a ghost phasing through solid objects. If it allowed a Canopy Fairy to move between dimensions, it would be called Dimensional Warping or Dimensional Travel.

Fourth, just like Jaette pointed out, the first thing you must know as a writer is Show, Don't Tell. You want to describe what happens so we can make an image in our head of what is going on. If you just tell, the story has no substance and no soul. You want to describe your characters. Just saying a character looks evil doesn't convey a proper image, you just tell us to take your word for it. Just don't go rushing out thinking we'll love your characters or story without experience first. The first thing to a story, in my opinion, is to readers give a damn about the characters.

That's pretty much all I can think of at the moment. I did stuck with my hero having powers over nine elements, but I tweaked it through hands on experience in role-play and found a style of writting thanks to litterature classes. I still don't think I'm the best, but whenever I think back at my early work, I can't help but wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Warrior3000 wrote:

....

Ok let's have a thing clear : giving a blunt and frank criticism is ok, but tearing apart one's work is not. Next time, refrain on your "utterly sick" and "I hate this" please.

Karbo wrote:

Warrior3000 wrote:

....

Ok let's have a thing clear : giving a blunt and frank criticism is ok, but tearing apart one's work is not. Next time, refrain on your "utterly sick" and "I hate this" please.

Thanks...but they are right, this needs work.