Good jokes thread

ok guys, I just figured i'd do this to relief some tension that has been recently going on, and that i couldn't find another thread like this. The basic objective of this, is too of course, make y'all laugh. so I'll start it off with one i recently heard from my good friend and NCO of my past squad i worked with.

America vs. Russia
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Once, my TV stopped working.

So I kicked it.

And it worked!

one time durring a paintball game i decided to yell " LEEEROOOOYYY JEKINS" charged out gun blazing and belive it or not ,i did not totoaly owned when i did it. I was celabrating saying something along the lines of " I am invincable INVINCABLE YEAH.." then i got shot in the crocth with a piantball..... i went down faster than a lead brick, Oh god just thinking about it still hurts

(warning religes joke i got from a friend i think its funny)

I once threw a penny betwen 2 jews and watched them fight to the death. I did same thing with 2 cathlic prisets only it was with a small boy.

(again this joke is funny to me and my friends but if any one is afended i apolagise.)

That, sir, is material from Jeff-fuh-fuh Dun-ham.

Here's my joke:

What do you get when you cross an elephantand a rhinoceros?
Elephino.

Yes, de Dway agrees with de talking dolphin, only joke I didn't like from de dead Achmed.

A man walks into bar and asks for a cup of water. Bartender instead pulls out shotgun. Man says "Thank you very much." Why did he say such a thing?

He had hiccups.

When I was a young boy, I asked my 95-year-old grandfather what the secret to a long and successful life was.

He said to me, "Son, ever since I was your age, I sprinkled just a little bit of gunpowder on my grits every morning. It give me that extra kick."

And a liar he was not. He died last year at the ripe old age of 108, leaving behind him five children, ten grandchildren, fifteen great-grandchildren... and a twenty foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

You walk out side and people are running and screaming, vechicals are blowing up and the military is fleeing
Why?
Beacuse someone has the halo 1 pistol

Damn. I know so many good racist jokes, but I think Warrior would kill me if I said them. I'm now in the same state as he is, too...

Ooh! Here's one I heard in boot camp:

What does a college football star and a prison inmate have in common?

They both go in tight ends and come out wide receivers.