Alex Hunter - story protagonist

IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND ALEX, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO READ MY STORY
LINK: http://foreverknight13.deviantart.com/gallery/25681524



THIS CHARACTER IS IS IN A "STORY IN PROGRESS" AND WILL NEED SOME FLESHING OUT, ANY HELP WOULD BE MOST APPRECIATED.

Name: Alex Hunter
Species:
Human
Age: 18
Sex: Male
Height: 6 feet

Skin colour: tan
Hair colour: black
Eye colour: hazel (red when his danger senses kick in)



Other characteristics: N/A for now

Alex’s journey to Felarya hasn’t been an easy one. Just a year previous he was attending a school for magic on Earth. All of that changed when he stumbled upon a gem that possessed the soul of Orobus, a solar dragon that was also an ancient guardian of the multiverse. Orobus wasted no time taking over Alex’s body and teleporting him into Felarya by the Giant tree. Under the manipulation of the ever mysterious Gentleman Fate, Alex was ambushed by Crisis twice, and was saved both times by a Deluran who sacrificed his life to get Alex back to earth.
Once back he studied the Emerald and made contact with Orobus. The dragon explained that his body was still on Felarya somewhere and offered Alex a reward if the boy reunited the dragon’s soul with its body. Alex turned down the reward, but agreed to help Orobus. The school headmaster caught wind of this quest and decided to help by having half the school create the equipment he would need for this journey.

*WARNING, SPOILERS*

His return to Felarya was a very violent one at the most. The instability of the space between earth and Felarya coupled with Orobus’s power caused a dimensional storm in Felarya that crippled Alex’s ship and sent him crashing into the jungle, nearly killing him. Luckily he was recovered and nursed back to health by sailing crew that had taken cover during the storm. Crippled with amnesia, he no longer remembers his life on earth except for the short months he knew Orobus.
He now lives in a secret, high-tech base hidden behind Chordoni waterfalls with a team of skilled individuals he met during his travels which he named “the dragon keepers” with the sole task of finding Orobus’s body, freeing him, and rescue anyone in trouble along the way.

Abilities
Alex originally was a shadow mage. He could manipulate other people by controlling their shadows, phase through walls, project illusions, or use his own shadow as a sort of duplicate.
He shares a mental link with his naga girlfriend Rachel, which grows stronger with their relationship. This link will allow him to read her emotions and sense her activities even if they aren’t together. This link has also inherited him the infamous predator sense, to the extent that he can only sense when danger is close by. Because of Felarya’s energy he can’t pinpoint exactly what the danger is, but he can tell how big it is and where it is at.
Because he is sharing his body with Orobus, he is able to wield fire, but only to the extent of casting small fireballs and fire breath. His bond with the dragon has also started to slowly turn him into a dragon-human hybrid until Orobus returns to his body.

Weapons and Gear
Even with all of his magic, Alex prefers using the technology given to him from Salem Academy.
His most prized possession is a hover board he and a friend spent years building. It’s the perfect tool for exploring the jungle with its indestructible frame, silent engines and ability to fly at high speeds and altitudes with just a thought.
Next to the board are a pair of gauntlets that can fire concentrated blasts of energized air particles, at full power it can be a mere slap in the face for a giant hybrid.
Last but not least is a special sword made by a friend on earth. In plain sight it’s just a golden hilt, but when Alex channels his magic into it, it forma a blade of solid fire mixed with black shadows
Relationships:
TBA

Ok so here is what I think so far. You need to add a more detailed of your character and some basic behavioral traits as to help other know what kind of character this is. A list of basic likes dislikes and hates would also be useful. Again use of someone else’s character Crisis needs to be approved by that person and also a credit given to them wherever that character is used.
As for your back-story I would have to say that you’re falling into the same trap I fell into when I first joined having a young inexperienced character and giving them some larger than life situation. Some things that you may wish to address are
1. The gem that contained Orobus. As you said Orobus is an ancient guardian of the multiverse and I can’t seem to see a reason that something that would have to be that powerful would allow its soul to be bound to a mere gem.
2. As I’m assuming that reuniting the soul of Orobus with his body is important I couldn’t see any reason that the school headmaster would simply allow a fresh out of school student to undertake this task. If I were in his shoes and found out about this I would be notifying someone much more experienced and powerful.
3. In my personal opinion amnesia seems to be a bit overdone.
4. A secret high-tech base behind Chordoni waterfalls. This raises some questions for me. One how did it get there? Two if they built it how did nothing notice it? Three how secret could it be to predators that possess the predator sense seeing as you have a team of skilled individuals making it their home?
5. The whole complete the quest and rescue people in danger concept seems as though it would thin out their numbers wrather quickly and also seems like it’s overdone. I’m not saying not to help people but maybe adding some discression to those that you help (example if you see a crimson maiden trying to make a meal of someone it might be best to simply turn the other way and not get noticed as what good would it do to die.)
Now on to the abilities
They seem a little to varied to me (although I fell into the same trap of being able to do a little bit of everything with my first attempt with a character). I have no problem with the abilities in general. I’m guessing that you took the controlling people with their shadows from the manga/anime Naruto. I have no problem with this individually and projecting illusions is fine in my book as well. A clone (which is what personally comes to mind with your talk of a duplicate) seems to be pushing it slightly assuming that it has some sort of physical presence. The mental link that you spoke about is something I find strange though given with your shadow/illusion based abilities. It might help you to elaborate on this but as I see it, it doesn’t seem to fit with the initial abilities that you listed. Also the predator sense it something that I personally don’t believe could just be inherited by a mental link with a predator (but this is completely my personal opinion).
Well it’s late now and I need to get to bed so I’ll finish commenting on this in the morning. Also I'm not trying to be picky just try to help you develop this character more. I wish I could tell you to look at my characters but even though similar flaws have been pointed out with them I have yet to fix them because I've simply been to lazy.

Edit: As promised I said that I would finish giving my opinion on this character.
Now from where I left off. Orobus sharing a body with your character seems to only serve to give your character more abilities than he already has. Another thing while on the note of sharing a body if you were a powerful guardian and somehow you ended up disembodied would you chose to put your spirit into someone fresh out of school or would you look for someone more powerful and experienced? (If you were to insist on this I would have to say that you would need to put together a specific scenario that didn’t allow for Orobus the time to choose his host.)

Now on to the Equipment
The hover board I’m fine with everything except that it is indestructible. I would like to point out that nothing is indestructible there will always be some way either chemically or magically of destroying it. (Example portal magic wait until it’s half way through and closing the portal). Now for the gauntlets when you talk about firing energized air particles what do you mean are you talking about simply adding heat to them are you talking about separating the electrons from them forming plasma. A little more detail would help here. And finally a magic sword this also isn’t too original but there is nothing innately wrong with it that I can see. From what I can tell it simply helps to concentrate the user’s magic and provides it with a shape.

Okay, I will go through small details first.

-There is not enough on description. If this guy was in a room of young, tan, black-haired males there would be no way to easily pick him out.

-Why does EVERY character have to obligatorily meet Crisis? Just a personal irritant. There's lots of other nice people out there to meet.

-Some random guy sacrifices himself just to save him? +1 Mary Sue point for you.

-Turns down a reward from a cosmic dragon just so he can screw around on a death world? I'm not sure if I should award a Mary Sue point here or diagnose him with severe Boy Scout Syndrome.

-Wait, his school will divert half the time of its students to help some random kid go to a world where he will die? Either he is very popular at his school, in which case you would deserve another Mary Sue point, or that school has got some serious management issues. Or he's sleeping with the headmaster. That tends to get you what you want at educational institutions.

-Woah, woah, woah, he has a SHIP now? One that can traverse dimensions?! I think that needs explaining. And no, I don't think his school mates could have whipped it together for him in shop class.

-I'll assume he landed near a beach, or the sailing crew makes no sense. Best to clarify that.

-Okay, there is no reason to give him amnesia. That is just arbitrary and cliché. You get like... maybe... 12 Mary Sue points for that.

-Um, I think Vivian lives behind the Chordoni falls, or that's where she keeps her stuff. Even if she doesn't she will figure out someone is living there and your character and his friends will have a significantly shortened lifespan. And she surely would have noticed all the people bringing in all the stuff for a base.

-And wait, high tech? Where the heck did he get high tech stuff?

-A group of people just going around with some random kid to save some dragon they don't know and, of course, helping random people? Remember, there is no disease on Felarya, so Boy Scout Syndrome shouldn't be able to affect the people here.

-Shadow Mage is interesting, or at least acceptable. But the link with his girlfriend giving him powers as their relationship develops that gives no explanation for how such a mental link occours? And the fire magic there for seemingly no reason? Try to streamline his abilities.

-Okay, so his school gave him all this technology? Like the dimensional ship? So its a school for Magic and Technological prodigies? My school was lucky if they could produce a basketball team that didn't suck, but his school is developing highly advanced technology and just giving it to some random student who just goes off with it? If my school built a dimensional ship they'd be looking for a damn grant from the government. Anyways, the equipment is cliché but alright I suppose. Still, a magic sword is not a practical idea. Yeah, try killing a naga with a magic sword. If you've read the manga, you will know just how horrendously bad an idea that is. And how can the hoverboard operate with "just a thought?" Does he have a relationship with it too?

---

Okay, now the bio as a whole.

The big glaring problem with this bio is that about half of it just talks about his toys and magical powers. Another good chunk tells his story. There are a few shreds on appearance and nothing on personality at all. This seriously weakens the biography as a whole and you should really spend a lot of time developing the personality aspect. Equipment isn't really that important at all.

And, as I said, it seems that you just gave him a bunch of random, unconnected abilities. Try to develop a more cohesive character - maybe develop his shadow talent more, or his psionic, or his fire - but all three just thrown together is sort of random.

Though there is little personality, this character does set my Mary Sue alarms ringing. A super powerful, respected and loved character can easily get boring. Even the greatest heroes are complex people. Try to make him like a real person, not an ideal.

Here he sent me [url=http://foreverknight13.deviantart.com/gallery/25681524 ]this link.[/url]

buddha66667 wrote:

Here he sent me [url=http://foreverknight13.deviantart.com/gallery/25681524 ]this link.[/url]

I may jeust find a way to delete this till i get my facts straight.......