Silver Shadow - Twins

(story I've had for YEARS. Figured I'd upload this so peeps on Vent would see that I have improved at least D: )



Synne looked outside the window and sighed dejectedly when she saw the storm clouds rolling over. The child of what looked to be eight, or maybe nine, years of age climbed down from the windowsill and landed on the bed next to another little girl of similar face, let yet they looked so different.

For one, Synne had golden eyes that emitted their own eerie light, while this girl next to her had silver. Synne had soft, silky, gold locks of hair that shimmered in any light beautifully, and while the texture and luminosity were the same, this girl ahd raven black hair and the shine seemed to mimic the stars int he night sky. This girl had one other thing that Synne lacked; a great demon living inside of her. The proof was seen by the black stripes on her skin that never reflected light, even if she were to stand next to a lamp or flame. Despite this, Synne still sat next to her and gave the girl a hug.

"I'm sorry Sariel... But it looks like our preformance is going to be cancelled tonight. Maybe next week we can try again."

"But I need the Moon now Synne! It's been cloudy every night for the past week, and I'll starve at this rate!"

Synne bit her lip and looked back out the window, then at the girl who had the same face. Finally she stood up and picked up her ocarina. "Alright, but we'll have to be quick so Father won't see or hear us on the water."

They left their bedroom chambers, and made sure to only avoid the guards that would likely to blow the whistle on the royal twins. Both of the girls eventually reached the main hallway and had to make a decision right then and there. Did they dare test their father's patience and get Sariel what she needed? Or did they go back to the room and pray that the Moon would still be in the morning sky?

The look on Sariel's thinning face sealed the deal for Synne, and their feet echo'd as they ran down the marble tiles and were silenced as they ran across the carpets until they finally reached the main door that faced out towards the beach...


****

Sariel looked back at her sister, who was waiting for her on the beach and received expressions a plenty telling Sariel to hurry up with the ritual already. She took in a deep breath of the nice cool night air, and stepped forward on the water, ice forming under her feet to keep her afloat until she reached her Sacred Spot.

From the beach a melody could be heard as it echoed across the bay and enveloped Sariel with it's tender notes. Their attempts to be sneaky were to no avail as the palace they had just escaped lit up and grew only brighter as Synne played the song. Sariel however was more worried about the Moon and her ritual than her fear of being caught. Suddenly a beam of light shot down from the moon and concentrated directly on the little girl in the silver gown that was now reflecting rainbows as the focused white light hit the gems on her skirts and sleeves.

Synne and Sariel took in a breath at the same time to repeat the melody, and Sariel sang as she began to dance under the moonlight. The more she danced on the water, the calmer the seas became and the brighter the light grew until even her black stripes turned white as she absorbed the energy she needed to survive.

Unfortunately, Synne was caught by one of the guards, the song stopped, and Sariel's voice just wasn't strong enough to continue the magic on her own. Even the moon abandoned her without her glorious and wholesome sister helping her, as the storm clouds finished rolling in and covered the life-giving light.Her only consolation being that she would at least make it through the new moon next week. With a splash, she slipped into the deep, dark, cold ocean.

First, all the typos.

Paragraph 1 - ,LET yet they looked so- should this be 'and'?
- were the same, this girl AHD raven black- this is 'had'
- mimic the stars INT HE night- this is 'in the'
Paragraph 3 -our PREFORMANCE is going to- this is 'PERformance'
Paragraph 4 -need the moon now( ) Synne- there should be a comma here
Paragraph 8 -waiting for her on the beach( ) and received- comma again
Paragraph 9 -with IT(')S tender notes- should not have an apostrophe.
Paragraph 11 - life-giving light.HER only- missed a space here, right after the period

Right. First paragraph, with the word 'storm clouds rolling OVER'. Maybe replace this with 'in'. Over seems odd without the word 'sky' to affirm it. Second paragraph 'proof was SEEN by the'. Seen by makes it sound as if the stripes are looking at the proof. 'Told by' might be a better choice. 'Moon' is not a proper noun, and shouldn't be capitalized, unless this culture that the girls live in deifies the moon as a god/goddess.

Some minor word choice issues and a few typos, but overall this is a good start. You might want to try increasing the surroundings' descriptions, to give a better feel of what the world these two are living in is like. You did well with the character descriptions, though, and the dialogue conveyed the emotions well. I am quite interested in seeing the rest of the story.

it's an intriguing start
your descriptions were really nicely done, immediately creating an atmosphere and emotions to go with it. I'm curious where it will go ^^

Dripping, soaking wet with salt water, Sariel was dragged by her hair by a man in gold and white robes with thick blond hair and a matching bearted that hid his chin from view.

The further down the hall Sariel was yanked, dragged, and jerked, the louder she screamed in pain. At this point she learned not to call the man "father" or say stupid things like "please stop" as it only incited more violence out of the man in the past.

Eentually the hallway stopped having windows as they reached the center of the palace. The elaborate tapestries were gone and the rugs and carpets that lined the marble floor ended roughly tend to fifteen feet ago. All that was left was a trap door in the floor to distract one's attention from the white-washed walls.

Sariel's captor lifted up the door while still keeping a firm hold on her curly locks of hair, revealing a pitch black room with a small ladder used for climbing out of the pit at the end of sentencing. Judging by the length of the rope ladder the guards pulled out, Sariel would be expecting at least a thirty foot fall.

Then her moment of sheer stupidity struck hard as she screamed "Father, god please no! I was hungry! I'm sorry! I won't do it again! Please don't make me go back down there again!"

As a reward for her sheer idiocy, he gifted her with his boot directly to her stomach, winding her so that she could no longer scream. She was then grabbed by her dress and thrown down the hole so hard that the fabric ripped before the man's fingers finally let go. With a loud thud, which the victim herself heard more than felt, her captors nodded at each other before slamming and locking the trap door.

Sariel sat "alone" in the dark, cursing herself over and over out loud for her outburst. Her eyes were able to provide some light, but hardly enough to do more than allow her to see her bloodied and bruised legs the impact so graciously gave her.

"Stop blaming yourself you twit. He's a psychotic pompous asshole and you know that as much as I do."

"Shut up Asteliel." Sariel's voice cracked as she closed her eyes to avoid seeing the demon appearing before her.

Unfortunately, she could still see her body-mate with her mind's eye (or "third eye" as humans called it on Earth"). Asteliel took on a shadow version of Sariel's body. In fact, the only way anyone could decipher facial shapes was with the stripes. Asteliel didn't bother to manifest clothing in her astral projections, so the stripes that appeared as crimson against her body weren't covered by anything but the mimicry of Sariel's hair. Then again, even that had crimson highlights all through it to make sure she didn't look like black misty blob. Her eyes also gave off a red light that could have been seen by the guards had they bothered to open the door to check to see if the girl was even alive from such a fall.

"I said go away Asteliel."

"No you didn't sweetie." Asteliel pulled Sariel out of their body and it slumped over with a dull thud now that no one was piloting it. "Besides, I'm all you've got. Your sweet sister Synne didn't even argue for you when he threw us down here."

While Asteliel did her best to appear more menacing with her astral projection, Sariel's was as pure as she could get it to look. She kept her dark skin intact, but also did not bother with clothes. It was too much of a hassle as far as concentrating went. However, she did turn her black hair to white as it should have been according to her genetics. But no thanks to her demonic partner, she had those damned stripes and the raven hair. And despite her best efforts, the only thing she could do to get rid of the stripes in her projection was simply to turn them white, as Asteliel had turned their crescent moon marking red. "You know as well as I do she'd have been punished unnecessarily if she did such a thing."

"Well then! Heaven forbid all three of Helios's children be punished for the same crime they committed together!"

"You are no-"

"Yes I am Sariel. We were born together. All three of us, and she gets better treatment than both of us because-"

"Because everyone says I'm a Daeva! And it's YOUR fault! I wish you'd just LEAVE!"

Asteliel closed her crimson eyes, and grinned to reveal sparkling white teeth against the void that was supposed to represent her face.

"You want me to leave huh? Fine. I'll go for a while. You can rot in here for all I care. After all, sisters obey each other." With that Asteliel floated up to leave the pit, knowing very well what her "sister's" reaction would be. Well, at least she knew the first half anyways.

"No! Don't leave me n here in the darkness!" Sariel grabbed Asteliel's soul by the wrist. Both flinched at the intimacy as white and black blended together.

Asteliel hissed and broke free, trying to remove the taint from her hand, but all she could do was make it a dark grey. "FINE. But don't do that EVER AGAIN! I refuse to merge with the likes of you!"

Sariel's own hand turned into a light grey in the stripes. She obviously had no idea direct contact between a Daeva and her soul would have such a reaction as they had avoided touching each other before. "... Just... Don't leave me alone in the darkness..."

Both girls returned to the body they came from. It then crawled into a corner, hugging it's knees as if the two souls were trying to embrace each other safely.

"Asteliel?"

"Yeah? What' is it? You know we look stupid using our body for speech when thoughts are much faster."

"I'm sorry. I don't hate you."

"Yes you do. It's natural, it's your job handed to you by Fate herself."

"No, I don't. You and Synne are all I've got even if you hate each other so much."

"Feh... Stop using speech. You're wasting the energy you collected tonight."

"So are you. Please stop trying to get me to hate Synne. She's the only one nice to us." Sariel gripped her knees harder, trying to simulate a hug.

"Nice to y-"

BANG! BANG! BANG! "Hey! Keep it down in there trash!" The guards above them laughed and Sariel suddenly had to grab her head and grip her hair to keep control over her body. Asteliel's response to anyone talking crap to Sariel or herself was to kill, and Sariel bit her lip to the point that it bled to ironically stop any bloodshed from happening in her name or by her body's hand.

Yes... She is only nice to me... but isn't that a start... for both of us...?

Asteliel gave Sariel the image of her snorting before fading away to her own dreamland. At least they could separate in their sleep.

...... Sweet dreams sister Asteliel....

I've always liked the concept of two souls sharing the same body. I also chuckled at the way the girl's father "gifted" her.