My first vore story

Gimme a hand, will ya? Thanks. But I am afraid that i can't post it now because mom is watching, I'll wait for another day or so when I have the chance. Please be patient.

The night in Felarya, cold and still. Under the silver moon, the figure of a cage can be spotted within the shadow of the jungle, it had been left there by the people from a nearby village, now, you’d wonder, why would there be a village in the middle of the jungle, for it should be “de-populated” already, perhaps your right, unless the villagers made a deal with some predators.
15hours ago
“Tomorrow’s the day, sir, but we are out of prisoners or other people we can give.”
Fanjong, a village in the deep part of the forest of whispers, was nearly destroyed by a naga long ago, but the village head made a deal with the naga, saying that the village will offer her food from time to time, and she will act as the village’s bodyguard. Over the years, the villager feed prisoners, burglars and criminals to the naga, but now, they’ve run out of them.
“What do ya mean we can’t find people, are the prisons empty already?”
“I’m afraid so, sir, and nobody would want to sacrifice, so we-”
“You no-good chunk of wood, why can’t you go and grab someone without asking their favor? Do you think there’d be anyone on earth who’d want to be food of a naga?”
“No use, sir, if we grab someone, his friends and relatives will tear us limb by limb to get him back.”
The inspector thought for a moment, then with a cruel smile, he said: “I think there is someone we can grab and nobody would stop.”
“Who’s that suppose to be?”
“Agatha and Clement”
The security gasped. Agatha and Clement were orphans, Agatha was12 and Clement was 15, who happened to be Agatha’s brother. For sure, no one would care if they live or die, but yet.
“Sir, they are still young”
“So what? Do you think their pretty faces are much more important than the entire village, stop trying to be a sensitive guy, buddy, you ought to know where you are living, this is Felarya. Now go get the offerings.”
“Yes sir.”
Clement walked down the street with Agatha behind him, he was a handsome boy, for sure, despite wearing dirty clothes, he had massive silver hair, deep blue eyes, perfect white skin, and a well built body, his sister, beautiful as well, had long brown hair and green eyes, but she always has a somehow, sad look, even when she’s happy or laughing. Clement was feeling uncomfortable today, a combination of fear and nervous as if something terrible was about to happen, he turned to look at his sister from time to time, to make sure things were alright.
Everything seemed fine, people were walking here and there, it’s a pleasant day, a group of securities were rushing……Towards them. Wait, isn’t tomorrow the day for-
“RUN!!!”
Before Agatha got a clue of what was happening, his brother grabbed her hand and started running with all his might, Agatha looked over her shoulder and soon got what his brother meant. But it was clear that they’d be out-run soon. Clement decided that in this way, they’d get caught sooner or later, so he decided to play rough, he let go of her sister, grabbed a stick and swung it with all his might, it knocked the first guy out, but more was coming, he slashed, bringing down the second, and was just about to finish him off when he heard it.
“Hold your fire, boy, or this cute little girl here gets an operation.”
Clement turned to see the shimmering knife placed against her sister’s throat,
“Damn it, chief, why are you doing this?”
“I’m very sorry, Clement, I truly am, but we can’t have the whole village dumped, can we? Now be a good boy, and get yourself tied up.”
15 hours later
“We are going to die, aren’t we?” Agatha said, after a long silence.
Clement opened his mouth to say something that would comfort his sister, but realized there’s nothing he could think of, so he simply gave her a hug, knowing it won’t do much.
“No time to find out who I am, no time to greet this world, I haven’t lived long enough, Clement, I haven’t lived long enough.”
“Sorry, sis, but no can do now, at least we are together.”
“Yeah, at least it’s not the worst thing on earth to die with you by my side.”
“I’m glad you think so.”
All night long, they stayed at each other’s side, memorizing the old days they spent together, there were laugher, there were tears, there was a sad moon that night.
[to be continued]
English is not my home language.

Hi. Welcome to the forum!

If English isn't your first language, then this really isn't bad at all.

A few comments:
- The setting of a human or neko group who appease the local predator by offering up "criminals" or strangers has been done quite a few times. Still, we may well assume that a number of groups do it, out of perceived necessity, so that may not be too much of a problem.
- If they're just a village, how do they find enough "criminals" to sacrifice?
- Is this naga the only predator (sentient or non-sentient) in the area?
- Compared to many first-time stories, the pace of this one doesn't feel too rushed, but I would still recommend slowing it a bit. There are descriptions, which is good, but perhaps you could also give us a sense of what the characters are thinking and feelling. And some of the dialogue seems, to me, just a little contrived. A little too "neat" or "script-like".

Grammar:

Estern kiddo wrote:

The night in Felarya, cold and still. Under the silver moon, the figure of a cage can be spotted within the shadow of the jungle, it had been left there by the people from a nearby village, now, you’d wonder, why would there be a village in the middle of the jungle, for it should be “de-populated” already, perhaps your right, unless the villagers made a deal with some predators.

This could -should- be divided into several sentences. That would also help steady the pace of the narrative a little.

And it should be "perhaps you're right". In English, "you are" is contracted into "you're", never "your". "Your" is a possessive (as in "This is your village"). If you can replace it (grammatically) with "he's", then it should be "you're"; if you can replace it with "his", then it should be "your". (Admittedly, a lot of native speakers get this wrong, but that's because they're lazy, and were perhaps never taught even the most basic rules of grammar at school.)

Quote :

Fanjong, a village in the deep part of the forest of whispers, was nearly destroyed by a naga long ago, but the village head made a deal with the naga, saying that the village will offer her food from time to time, and she will act as the village’s bodyguard. Over the years, the villager feed prisoners, burglars and criminals to the naga, but now, they’ve run out of them.

Try not to keep switching between present and past tenses. This is one of the irritating maladies of many novice writers, and if you can avoid it, your narrative will improve right away.

Quote :

Clement walked down the street with Agatha behind him, he was a handsome boy, for sure, despite wearing dirty clothes, he had massive silver hair, deep blue eyes, perfect white skin, and a well built body, his sister, beautiful as well, had long brown hair and green eyes, but she always has a somehow, sad look, even when she’s happy or laughing.

Again, this should be divided into several sentences. And watch your tenses.

Quote :

Clement opened his mouth to say something that would comfort his sister, but realized there’s nothing he could think of, so he simply gave her a hug, knowing it won’t do much.

Tenses.

Quote :

All night long, they stayed at each other’s side, memorizing the old days they spent together, there were laugher, there were tears, there was a sad moon that night.

Not a bad closing sentence. All in all, in fact, it's not a bad effort for a first try. Just pay attention to pacing, sentence structure and tenses, in particular (common problems in first stories) and I'm sure you'll write an interesting continuation.

love your comment frenchsnack <3

and yeah, if we put aside the grammar probs ans structure, the story isnt bad at all