Felarya
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

Felarya

Felarya forum
 
HomeSearchLatest imagesRegisterLog in

 

 Kfah's Stories-in-progress

Go down 
4 posters

Is it interesting?
Yes
Kfah's Stories-in-progress Vote_lcap0%Kfah's Stories-in-progress Vote_rcap
 0% [ 0 ]
No
Kfah's Stories-in-progress Vote_lcap0%Kfah's Stories-in-progress Vote_rcap
 0% [ 0 ]
Unsure
Kfah's Stories-in-progress Vote_lcap0%Kfah's Stories-in-progress Vote_rcap
 0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 0
 

AuthorMessage
kfahchan
Tasty morsel



Posts : 6
Join date : 2014-05-03

Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitimeMon May 05, 2014 11:13 am

Hello, as a few of you know, and I'm sure the rest of you can gather, I'm new here. I hope we can get along. In any case, I'm quite interested in writing stories under the Felaryian setting, but I'm as new to writing as I am to this forum.

For that reason, I have created this thread. Below, I have an excerpt of the start of my first attempt at something. What I want to know is, is it interesting? Does it make you want to read more?

And, should you be willing, what exactly about it is off? Too much description? Too little? Is the tempo off? Anything jarr you as you read it? Glarring spelling/grammatical errors? Really, any feedback is appreciated, so please let me know if you do have any.

The Introduction:
Untitled Work:
Back to top Go down
Nyaha
Eternal Optimist
Eternal Optimist
Nyaha


Posts : 3845
Join date : 2007-12-09
Age : 31
Location : Canada. ^.^ Goooooo Snow!

Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitimeMon May 05, 2014 3:54 pm

Well, I do think you show promise. You're definitely one of the better beginner writers I think we've had around here. ^_^ I'm Nyaha by the way. Welcome to the community. For reference, I'm the friendly one. Yes, THE friendly one. Everyone else around here is friendly but I'm like SUPER-friendly. It's not weird, though, I'm Canadian. ;D

I think, right off the bat, you've showed that you've done your homework on the setting. You have a basic idea of what Felarya is and why people might travel there. It's different from other beginners in that most of them, as I hear, tend to write their characters accidentally falling into Felarya, whereas yours have arrived there both intentionally and, if I read this right, not of their own free will, which is interesting.

I have to say, though, I'm having some trouble following Anothony's thought processes. I might just need someone to explain them to me, or you might need to do a better job of describing them. Personally, I think some description of facial expressions would help someone like me follow along immensely.

The story is kind of interesting. I'm curious to see just what makes these people worth writing about. Why did they come to Felarya, what's going to happen to them, and how will they deal with it?

I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors which makes me very happy. I tend to make long posts pointing out every little error. XD
Back to top Go down
http://tanoshiiatsu.deviantart.com/
kfahchan
Tasty morsel



Posts : 6
Join date : 2014-05-03

Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitimeTue May 06, 2014 10:35 am

As it turns out, I also hail from "The Great White North". Not so white at the moment, though. :3

Thank you so much for your feedback! It's really helpful. Is it possible to give a few examples of what you feel is keeping you out of the character's head? I would be eternally greatful! Also, please don't be afraid to bring out the big bits of critism. I can take it.

I'm also feeling that my main character here is a bit too whiny. And I seem to have made a habit of ominous cliffhangers at the endings of my paragraphs. This inhibits its flow; almost making it too choppy and regular. I'm trying to tone that down as well without declawing the story. Rythm is hard when you have so much to focus on. x.x

I wanted to have a second draft up the next time I posted but, as it happens, writing is tricky. But I did want to thank you. I'll do my best to turn that "sort of interesting" into "I can't put this down". ;)
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 35
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitimeTue May 06, 2014 1:29 pm

Nyaha wrote:
It's not weird, though, I'm Canadian. ;D

So is Shady Knight.


...Anyway, you show promise I agree, very good at expressing yourself and what you know, which by the way seems to be a lot more than usual. We're used to people showing interest in getting further involved in the community, and joining the forum before reading the wiki (vice versa has happened to, apparently which is what you must've done - there's no rule for or against that).\

That being said you could practice making use of commas with your periods so your story flows better, and work on expressing the five senses as much as possible (but overdoing it is possible, like "long-wall-of-text-paragraph-overdoing-it"). Welcome to the forum Razz
Back to top Go down
Nyaha
Eternal Optimist
Eternal Optimist
Nyaha


Posts : 3845
Join date : 2007-12-09
Age : 31
Location : Canada. ^.^ Goooooo Snow!

Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitimeTue May 06, 2014 2:05 pm

Archmage_Bael wrote:
Nyaha wrote:
It's not weird, though, I'm Canadian. ;D

So is Shady Knight.
Well then he is not true Canadian. But at least he hasn't reached Justin Beiber levels of un-Canadian-ness. :3
Back to top Go down
http://tanoshiiatsu.deviantart.com/
jedi-explorer
Felarya cartographer
Felarya cartographer
jedi-explorer


Posts : 1474
Join date : 2011-12-06
Age : 36
Location : Fantasy Land ^_^

Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitimeSun May 11, 2014 11:25 am

This is weird. o.O I dreamed an RP sceenerio like this up years ago but abandoned it. I don't even think I told anyone of it, but man the similarities are amazing. Not to say you stole it, in fact it's a little better written and less Indiana Jones or Mummy-like that my idea though just as a cool....Though I wonder. What is the girl, Jess, in the wheel chair for? If her legs are broken there's a chance the healing factor will work, but if it's dissiase? I think it's be canonically esbatlished you could come to Felarya with cancer or some other genetic illness and the healing factor can't save you? I do seem to remember that somewhere...Then again this place changes the rules only a little less than Doctor Who! XD So who knows? Either way you have me hooked for now! Do more than the sampler and I'd be happy to read it.
Back to top Go down
kfahchan
Tasty morsel



Posts : 6
Join date : 2014-05-03

Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitimeThu May 15, 2014 7:17 pm

jedi-explorer wrote:
If her legs are broken there's a chance the healing factor will work, but if it's dissiase? I think it's be canonically esbatlished you could come to Felarya with cancer or some other genetic illness and the healing factor can't save you? I do seem to remember that somewhere...Then again this place changes the rules only a little less than Doctor Who! XD So who knows? Either way you have me hooked for now! Do more than the sampler and I'd be happy to read it.

It would be good to know if this was true or not as, yes, a pivitol point of the story relies on this. I had thought the healing properties would make you asymptomatic. By my understanding, if you had a genetic disorder that caused your digestive system to convert lactose to poison, then this process would be inhibited. In this case, you could eat dairy on Felayra but not when you leave... best not to leave less than 14 hours after that glass of milk.

Though in the case of a genetic disease that is dormant until triggered, it might return you to a "good state" and you could be effectively cured as long as you avoid being re-introduced to the trigger... that sounds like a fun idea. A character that has to run to Felayra to "reset" their body state every time their disease gets triggered. The amount of days/months it takes to reset is how long they need to survive the jungle.

And then you made me come across the back story of Lord Thelandros and suddenly I feel like the back story of another character I have planned is ripping other characters off. ;.;

PS: Still working on this but I've been a bit busy lately. Been reading up a lot on writing techniques too. @.@ Thanks again for the feedback. I can never understate how helpful it is.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content





Kfah's Stories-in-progress Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress   Kfah's Stories-in-progress Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
 
Kfah's Stories-in-progress
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» in progress
» Dodge Darem in Felarya
» Story: The Smiling Man
» for my stories
» Kai's stories

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Felarya :: General forums :: Stories discussion-
Jump to: