Jor Tellervo (Jormungdang's OC)

Final character bio below.

Why `scrapping´ this? This is Your Story - be proud of it. Look at all these Couch-Potatoes and Nascar-Watchers (and here in Germany we have the pretty brainless `Fußballfans´), mostly doing nothing than drinking Beer and Stuff and getting on the Nerves of uninterested Bystanders (my Friend calls this `wasted Life´) - but this Story is Proof of Your Creativity. Besides that - I like it.

Jormungdang wrote:

History:
There is a small village somewhere in the mountains, hidden within the valleys, buried under a pile of ash. The windmill's sails that once ran, now hang forlorn and flap in the wind. The houses frames are charred black and frail, once structures tall and strong that stood against the elements. Charred wood shows visible scars on every building. Even the earth is cracked, laying undisturbed under a fine blanket of ash.

There is only one place in this forsaken village that appears to be regularly maintained. A small house, untouched on the farthest edge of the village's walls, overlooking what appears to be a graveyard. 400 tombs in organized neat little rows with a pair of gauntlets and a rose on each of the tombstones hard surfaces. Of these, only one is empty. But, I'm getting ahead of myself in this narration of a painful story.

Now then, close your eyes and imagine a time when this village prospered. The village was a training ground for those who wished to learn the ways of unarmed combat and weapon smithing and followed a series of strict codes set down within a codex kept by the elder of the village. Now within this village, there was a small girl named Iria who did well enough in her studies and followed the codex to the letter. She lived is a small house near the village walls and spent many days training. She was considered an expert in the unarmed combat style they practiced yet despite that dreamed of climbing the ranks and achieving the title of Master.

Yet that dream would remain unfulfilled for the next part of her pained history would ensure that there would be no one to pass on the title. One may ask, what is the point of hiding a village in a valley in the mountains and then ensuring that the members knew how to fight. This was because, within the codex there were hints of greater powers and greedy men and woman would do anything to get their hands on the codex. So far, the village had been successful in fending off the attacks of the individuals who had attempted to possess the book. Yet those spurned individuals formed a group in order to finally possess that codex and attain all it had to offer.

They put the village under siege and then Iria witnessed a hell on earth. The crops withered and died, the animals died of starvation and rotted, the members of the village turned on each other in order to scrounge for any scraps they could and the constant night attacks kept everyone on edge. Everyday however, Iria survived and everyday, she cursed the enemy even more. She would take that rage with her to the grave.

Finally, the enemy broke through the village's defenses and stormed in. The weakened, villager could not put up a struggle and began to fall one by one. Fires blazed and spread as the villagers fought bravely to protect their home, Iria as one of the last before two sword thrusts would send her toppling to the ground. She stared at the sky as the ash began to blanket everything, countless curses spewing forth in her rage. As perhaps a last ditch effort to save her life, a crystal casket was prepared for her, in order to contain her soul and body.

And so the last surviving member of a long dead clan lay dormant for many years. Unperceived at the time of the casket's creation, the crystal ended up incorporated into Iria's body reacting to her rage and giving her a more powerful, giantess form so that she could take revenge upon those who wronged her.

She began to wander the country, taking on weapon smithing jobs and practicing with this long forgotten material, all the while searching for those who had burned her homeland to the ground. Soon enough, rumors began to spread about a wandering female smith, and the ageless blood-jade works she wrought.

...

The story is fine, but I have a few questions if you wanna work with it.

First of all, in Felarya, undead do not rise. If there was anything special about the coffin (regeneration, transmigration, golemeration), that raises a question: where'd they get that coffin, and how much did it cost.

Now, there's another thing I'd like to ask. If the codex was so dangerous to have, why not destroy it? Unless they had some use for even the dangerous parts of the codex, then I doubt they'd have bothered to keep it. I mean, at worst, they'd incur a fee from the library for damaging the item. For them to have this book, you should replace "library" by "archdevil" and "fee" by "Eternal unimaginable agony in Hell for ten generations of their descendants". That, or these guys either intended to protect the book for someone else to use... or maybe they were using it themselves. A few ideas for ya.

Also, if Iria was one of the last, who put her in the casket? She couldn't have been the last, unless her foes put her in that crystal casket. Which would be weird... she should've fallen first in order to be buried by her comrades. So 400 graves, if they were defeated? More like a hole in the ground with bodies, if not just strewn bones bleached by the sun and cleaned by rats and crows. Depends on whether the enemy was more or less respectful of the dead.

What's with the casket, too? If you want her life to be saved, you should know, there is no resurrection on Felarya. It is pointed out in the wiki that other worlds may have resurrection, but not this one; I'd go with "mortally wounded" instead. Having her be aware that she's inside, powerless, while the rest of her friends died one by one may contribute to her rage, too. However, that's not what a casket does. And why would the foe not disrupt said casket? You could have her be entombed inside some sort of crystal formation or something instead. In fact, what if she was entombed in the crystal, and wasn't alone, and then the foe shattered the crystals too, looking for the bodies inside, but missed a spot (her)? And then, since she had the crystal all to herself, she could fiddle around with her codex lore and make her own Voltron?

You also say the country. I don't remember any countries in Felarya, at least, not in the present. Tell me, would she be from Felarya, or from offworld, and just be passing by? If from Felarya, you should check out what were the olden countries. There was dridders, there was elves, there was Ur-Sagol. Depending on the time period, you might wanna vary her race too.



That's just what I can think of, Jo. See if any of me rant tickles yer fancy, a'rrite?

Alright. Made a few edits. So what do you think now? And is there a specific place we have to submit these char sheets?

Name Jor Tellervo
Age: (appears to be 20)
Gender: Female
Species: Crystal Elemental
Height: 10 ft tall
Appearance:

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(Ban drew this for me. I love it.)

Perhaps the most striking thing about Jor is that she appears to be hewn from crystal, both soft and malleable and hard as diamonds depending on her mood. Her skin is a pale flush red, which compliments well her violet eyes and ruby lips. While her demeanor appears cold, and her stare slightly unnerving, this is merely the tip of the iceberg. Underneath, Jor is a roiling sea of emotion. It merely takes the right person to chip away her layers and allow her to express herself freely. Jor’s upper half is that of a athletically built woman, moderately curvy. Her wings lie folded against her back and her crystal spade tipped demoness tail curls sensually around her ankle.
History:
There is a small village somewhere in the mountains, hidden within the valleys, buried under a pile of ash. The windmill's sails that once ran, now hang forlorn and flap in the wind. The houses frames are charred black and frail, once structures tall and strong that stood against the elements. Charred wood shows visible scars on every building. Even the earth is cracked, laying undisturbed under a fine blanket of ash. There is only one place in this forsaken village that appears to be regularly maintained. A small house, untouched on the farthest edge of the village's walls, overlooking what appears to be a graveyard. But, I'm getting ahead of myself in this narration of a painful story. Now then, close your eyes and imagine a time when this village prospered. The village was a training ground for those who wished to learn the ways of unarmed combat and weapon smithing and followed a series of strict codes set down within a codex kept by the elder of the village. Now within this village, there was a small girl named Jor who did well enough in her studies and followed the codex to the letter. She lived is a small house near the village walls and spent many days training. She was considered an expert in the unarmed combat style they practiced yet despite that dreamed of climbing the ranks and achieving the title of Master. Yet that dream would remain unfulfilled for the next part of her pained history would ensure that there would be no one to pass on the title. One may ask, what is the point of hiding a village in a valley in the mountains and then ensuring that the members knew how to fight. This was because, within the codex there were hints of greater powers and greedy men and woman would do anything to get their hands on the codex. So far, the village had been successful in fending off the attacks of the individuals who had attempted to possess the book. Yet those spurned individuals formed a group in order to finally possess that codex and attain all it had to offer. They put the village under siege and then Iria witnessed a hell on earth. The crops withered and died, the animals died of starvation and rotted, the members of the village turned on each other in order to scrounge for any scraps they could and the constant night attacks kept everyone on edge. Everyday however, Jor survived and everyday, she cursed the enemy even more. She would carry that rage forever. Finally, the enemy broke through the village's defenses and stormed in. The weakened, villager could not put up a struggle and began to fall one by one. Fires blazed and spread as the villagers fought bravely to protect their home, Iria fought with them before two sword thrusts would send her toppling to the ground. She stared at the sky as the ash began to blanket everything, countless curses spewing forth in her rage. This fact drew the attention of one of the citizens who heard her and fled with her to the sanctuary inside a cave near the village where the codex was kept. Noticing her critical condition and others in similar situations the elder sought to use the codex to save his people. The villagers prepared their entombment within the crystal as the codex instructed and were surprised to find it accept them. Iria in her pain, stumbled away from the rest of the group and fell into a vein of crystal that was discreetly hidden from the rest. This would turn out to be fortunate for their enemies would find them later and enraged by the burning of the codex to prevent it from falling into their hands, proceed to kill everyone they could find and shatter their crystals. And so the last surviving member of a long dead clan lay dormant. The crystal felt her life-force waning, and mistakenly believing that it was a part of the crystal that was dying invaded her cells to reform them with its own, changing her from a mere naga to something more. An elemental she became, and when the crystal had fully been absorbed into her body, she awoke swearing to herself that she would seek revenge for everything that had occurred. During a dark ritual held at La Maison Noire, Jor attained the form of a succubus with a demon of wrath trapped deep in her subconscious.

Abilities: Possesses utter control of the crystal that forms her body and can change its durability, absorbance and other properties. For example, she could cause some of her blood to fall on some unsuspecting prey, and from there crystal could erupt to engulf them or pierce them depending on the particular properties she has decided upon.

Can also build new bodies from her crystal allowing her to shrink if she must. Currently possesses the form of a succubus allowing her to fly and holds a demon of wrath that was attracted to her during the ritual.

Lastly, she also possesses the Predator Sense common to people of her species, allowing her to sense out her prey.

It's late so I'm just going to toss this out there considering I just skimmed it: 80 feet of tail is a lot for 10 feet of Height. Judging from what I've seen in drawings, a naga's tail should only be between two to three times their standing height, if I recall correctly. You might need a second opinion on the exact math, but It seems pretty ridiculous for a small naga to be almost as long as some of Felarya's most famous predators are tall. ^^;

Nyaha wrote:

It's late so I'm just going to toss this out there considering I just skimmed it: 80 feet of tail is a lot for 10 feet of Height. Judging from what I've seen in drawings, a naga's tail should only be between two to three times their standing height, if I recall correctly. You might need a second opinion on the exact math, but It seems pretty ridiculous for a small naga to be almost as long as some of Felarya's most famous predators are tall. ^^;

Me and stabs did some math today, technically speaking, using a black mamba for reference, a standing height of 100feet, with half human body, would have a hips to tail tip of 720 feet to be proper snake body to human sized hips... anywhos....

And then... we think about a Black Mamba, who only has to worry about her Head and Neck - and not about the whole Chest, some Arms (I think - would be nice, if there were some.), and so on...
Oh yes, as I heve seen recently these `and so ons´ tend to be especially huge here.

Hmm? I am not entirely sure what you mean. She has arms, I merely can't draw them well. I usually tend to omit things I can't draw from my drawings which is why she doesn't have them there. As you could guess, not the greatest artist here.

Haha, no - anyone who shows even the slightiest Sign of Creativity earns my full Respect. I am referring to the Comment over this - the Black Mamba Thing.
The Conclusion would be that a Naga has to be ridiculously long to ensure a proper Stand.
However - in this Case (a human Chest has really, REALLY nothing in Common with Snakes) I would draw a Naga with the Abdomen of a Gabun Viper. At least regarding the Proportions. To draw a Naga in a Style that appears to be `anatomically correct´ is complicated - if You start the Snake Body at the Hips the Result often looks... fat. If You start it at the Waist, there will be no Hips - but it would look more `right´.
However, I think the Abdomen in many Cases is way too long drawn, so most of the Nagas all do only look like Snakes with no Head - but instead a tiny human Chest fitted onto them.

Wel, this is only my Opinion - in my Eyes drawing a `perfect´ Naga would be... Master Class.
But there is one Guy around here, who is near mastering this. He has created Tina, the Grass Naga.
She too is pretty long, but at her it looks more right than at many other Examples.

She really looks great.

Bandur, this would be a topic for elsewhere, man, but seriously, we scaled up the mamba to human hips size and adjusting the lenght and speed ratios, She'd get slighetly bigger where her stomach is and then off into the skinner long part of her tail. which would get her acutallt a better base to 'stand on'