what do you think???

Name: Max
Race: Human
Height: 6 foot 7 inches
Skin: whitish tan
Hair: black
Eye: changes...when mad or when showing deep emotion they are steel grey and they are light blue other times


Appearance:He is 6 foot 7 inches tall. He has a muscular build and black hair with a tan skin. He has a chiseled face.Also he always carries his legendary double sided axe Xamaz which Crisis gave him in a light tan leather holder upon his back. He has a chiseled body.


Personality: He is a very nice person, but very defensive of his friends…… He is a silent person and only talks when he needs to… He is very hard to scare and once has a battle with Crisis, that how he acquired Xamaz.

Abilities: He has excellent hearing, can hear a bug buzzing 300 yards away… He has a sense of smell to rival a blood hound. He is a master axe man and he has the ability to cut through almost anything is he wants to, but surprisingly he is unable to cut through a predator’s stomach…, but soon shall be able to…

This doesn't tell us much and I have some questions for you.

1. Why does Crisis have a legendary axe?
2. Why can he cut through anything?

You have given us the bare bones of a profile and from what I can tell, it's a rather unsatifying character. There isn't even a history to go along with him.

I would suggest a well thought out history and a more detailed personality.

And to lose the thing of Crisis giving him an axe, I just... honestly don't see that hapening.

Aye, a Predator giving a Human a gift in general falls under the "I survived an atomic bombing, twice" level of rarity.

For hearing, I think you may want to make it a bit more well defined. Do you mean he can pick out the sound of a single bug buzzing at 300 yards away, or just that he can hear it? There's a difference between being able to hear everything going on around you, and actually being able to make sense of it (so much so that I don't quite think that a human mind could handle filtering all the noise without having to block out another sense / input). You might want to have his brain wired different than an average human if you intend no sensory flaws.

By "cut through anything but Predator stomachs", that sounds like it's being made specifically to not hunt Predators (magical enchantment made by Predators that apply bonus' to non-biological targets, but none against biological ones, or an Axe perhaps made by a race that waged war with a large number of Golems?). If you can come up with a decent / plausible explanation for it, more power to you. But right now, it looks more like it's being used so that he can still be vored (beyond which, using an axe inside a Predator seems unlikely as you'd have no real area to swing it - nullifying one of the advantages of an axe).

And just for my sake, change one of the "Chiseled" used in appearance to something else. Just don't like the same descriptive words used repetitively.

Okay, let's see here...

First... physical description. It's alright... nothing wrong, but nothing really noticeable either. If he didn't have the axe, how would one pick him out in a crowd?

Er... it seems very unlikely Crisis would have such an artifact, let alone give it to a human. The whole battling with Crisis seems very unlikely as well... he'd most likely be dead, a mere footnote. While I'm not saying an encounter is totally out (though I don't like how lots of new characters seem to need a "mandatory" visit with Crisis as one of their first things to do when they hit Felarya - the chance of meeting her is equal to meeting any of the other predators.) such an encounter needs more explanation behind it.

A very nice person, not talkative, defensive of friends. This could describe... a good percentage of the general populace. Is there anything more that could be offered?

Where did he get such super-senses? What makes him unable to cut a predators stomach? And please don't go along with any idea that he may eventually be able to...

What is his history? How did he get where he is today?

This doesn't really seem like any effort was put into it, so there's a limited effort I can put into feedback. I need more on this character. Try looking at some of the bios on the wiki or even on the character section on the forum(The good bios, of course )
to see how a well fleshed out character is developed.

thanks for the help with the character... sorry for the weakness of the character.... this is a character i created a few years ago when i was trying to write my first story.... the only thing i disagree with is the axe comments.... the reason for this is he recieved the axe from Crisis in the story... here the story is....

Where am I? is the first thing that crossed his mind when he noticed that he wasnt on the familiar path of the Rain Forest anymore. He had been walking for hours now and still hadn't seen any familiar markings so far. How could this have happened? He had been walking through the Rain Forest for many years and never gotten lost. Then out of the corner of his eye he noticed a beautiful woman laying on the ground. She was a good distance away but maybe she could give him some directions to civilization.
As he approached this beautiful woman with blonde hair she began to get bigger and bigger. He kept walking towards her out of curiosity and need for directions. As he rounded the last tree he saw her in full scale. What was wrong with this beautiful woman?? She is gigantic and the lower half of her was a snake!!! How could this be? He finally realized it, he wasn't in the Rain Forest anymore!!! He walked closer to this gigantic woman out of wonder. Then suddenly she opened a massive eye and spotted him. He tried to run for it but she caught him. She brought him to her face and said, " Hello my names Crisis who are you?"
" M My names Max." "Where am I?"
" Well right now your in Felarya.... but in about two minutes youll be in my belly", shouted Crisis happily.
"You can't eat me" said Max.
"Why not??? Im a PREDATOR!!! You are a PREY!!! I eat you and you like it...sorta well except for the burning and digest.....well anyway after every nap my stomach is empty so bye bye see you later." Crisis opens her mouth and begins to lower him into it.
" NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Shouts Max in fright. Crisis stops in her motion and lowers him down.
"Why shouldn't I eat you?" Crisis asks in a teasing tone as a small smile splits her lips.
" You can't eat me!!!!" Max repeats angrily. " Can we be friends?"
" Maybe"
"What do you mean maybe???"
"I mean I'll make you a deal" says Crisis just as she gets a great idea to mess with her food.
" What is it?" asks Max
"Well you beat me in a little fight and ill be your friend" says Crisis
" Theres a little problem. I dont have a weapon."
"Well isnt that lucky!!!!" Crisis screams merrily " I just so happen to have a weapon that I um... borrowed from some food I mean warrior this morning."
"Cmon your so big and I'm so small I'm not going to fight you."
"Yeah free food" says Crisis and pops him into her saliva filled mouth
"Ok OK" Max screams at the last moment.
"Dang it well a promise is a promise.... here take this axe that I um borrowed you can have it"
The double sided extremely sharp axe felt perfect in his grip and he could tell it had magic in it. He knew that it was meant for him and he already had this battle won. Ready. Fight!!


im going to try and make the character better... your tips have helped ty

That story... uhm... well, first, it didn't make a whole lot of sense, was unlikely (why would Crisis fight anyone unless to defend a friend?), and rather poorly typed. This is also not the placed to put stories. There is also an edit button for the first post.

i thught it was a pretty good story even if it wasn't in the right place it was badly written though.

Malahite wrote:

Aye, a Predator giving a Human a gift in general falls under the "I survived an atomic bombing, twice" level of rarity.

Which has actually happened, at least once. There was some guy who lived in Nagasaki but was on a business trip to Hiroshima when the first bomb fell. He survived, went home to Nagasaki to rest and recover... and survived the second bomb, too. He's still alive today. (It's not an urban legend. I think I read about it on the Beeb.)

Anyway... Presumably, this human's sense of hearing and smell aren't actually as developed as you make them out to be. How would he have acquired superhuman senses?

And, as others have said, cutting one's way out of a pred's belly is simply not possible.

French snack wrote:

Which has actually happened, at least once.

Which was my point. It happens, but it's rare: 400,000+ People who were exposed to the atomic bombings, and how many survived a single bombing - let alone were caught in and survived the second? One recorded instance. Same holds true (if not to similar numbers) to human / neko / non-giant elf run-ins with Giant Predators.

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Anyway... Presumably, this human's sense of hearing and smell aren't actually as developed as you make them out to be.

I do believe they are. But this is Felarya, people with superhuman capabilities aren't necessarily an impossibility. Consider how many "human" characters there are that can block bullets, jump 20+ feet straight up, are peak-human in strength, etc.

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How would he have acquired superhuman senses?

My guess is like most other super-human human characters: Either magic, technological enhancement, or typical "humans can be stronger than our worlds" lineage.

Quote :

And, as others have said, cutting one's way out of a pred's belly is simply not possible.

Oh no, it's most definitely possible to cut through a Predator's stomach. With non-magical weapons to boot. It's just that it's unlikely to be cost-efficient in most methods, and most people will need magical / super high tech weapons.

i appreciate the advise. But Ryn Crisis is using the fighting as a game. it is her playing with her food. having a little fun. you could tell that by the sentence: "I mean I'll make you a deal" says Crisis just as she gets a great idea to mess with her food. I will acknowledge that this is a poorly written story due to the fact that i was young when i wrote it. i am planning to make the story better soon. Also i placed the story in this thread due to the fact that it is related to the character and his axe. it is here to show why Crisis gave him the axe. Well thank yall for the advise and hopefully ill get yall a better version of this character soon.

bigman27622 wrote:

i appreciate the advise. But Ryn Crisis is using the fighting as a game. it is her playing with her food. having a little fun. you could tell that by the sentence: "I mean I'll make you a deal" says Crisis just as she gets a great idea to mess with her food. I will acknowledge that this is a poorly written story due to the fact that i was young when i wrote it. i am planning to make the story better soon. Also i placed the story in this thread due to the fact that it is related to the character and his axe. it is here to show why Crisis gave him the axe. Well thank yall for the advise and hopefully ill get yall a better version of this character soon.

Crisis doesn't fight to have fun, she's not dumb. I have taken her to be rather non-combative unless you mess with her friends. Plus, she's a 60 something foot naga, it's actually impossible to defeat her in an actual fight. And it was so horribly out of character...
You didn't have to put it here. You could have put it into a biographical format. Writing it when you were younger is no excuse either, you can retype it, can't you?
BTW, capitalize your I's.

Your character is still horrid.

I have to wonder, why would Crisis even bother keeping some magic axe around to give to someone she wants to fight for no reason. Also, if the axe was so great and magical, why did the trained warrior who owned it previously end up eaten?

But yeah, the story is really sloppily typed up, and needs a lot of work, sorry. I'd really work on your descriptive language for a start. Also, don't switch between past and present tense in the middle of writing, it's very irritating.