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Jasconius
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PostSubject: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSun May 02, 2010 6:52 pm

Well, here is the place where I'll post my stories and such. Hope you guys like them and I'd love to hear your comments on them. In advance, Felarya belongs to Karbo.

Here's a short story that I just wrote. I hope you all enjoy.

P.S. Wasn't comfortable with the original ending, so I changed it. Also thank you ambrose-euanthe for the critiques.

Into the Blue: Part 1

She hungered.

For several days she had cruised through her hunting ground, a warm shallow sea off the coast of a great continent. During this entire time all that she managed to catch were a few squid and a lone shark that would one day be known to humans as Squalicorax. It hadn't been enough to satisfy a great hunger. Hers, and that of the offspring growing deep within her body. Soon, they would be ready to be born, ready to claim the ocean as their own. She needed food and she needed it badly.

She was, as the humans would one day name her after the fossilized bones of her brethren, a Tylosaurus, and at sixty feet she was one of the biggest of her kind. At her size the only thing she feared were other Tylosaurus', though that would soon change. For now, though, she was content and would soon once again give birth to the new generation, likely her last as the grasp of old age was slowly enwrapping her. It was likely that in a few years she would be gone, and younger members of her kind would then be able to rule this region.

Luckily for them, they weren’t going to have to wait that long.

In the distance she saw suitable prey, a large Squalicorax. Her hunger overwhelming her, she burst after it as it attempted to flee. The chase went on for several minutes, the shark always just a fins length away from the gaping maw of the mighty mosasaur. A sudden turn managed to buy her prey a few extra seconds as she was forced to make a large U-turn in response.

In the former’s hunger and the latter’s fear, both failed to notice the patch of ocean they were swimming towards transform into a broth of sparkling mist. In an instant, neither noticed themselves passing through it before it closed just as quickly as it had opened, leaving the surrounding area unnaturally empty.

As she passed through the other side of the portal, she felt disoriented and stopped swimming as her nausea quickly passed. As she regained her bearing, all she saw was her prey swimming off in the distance, apparently not affected as badly as she was. With a mighty flick of her tail she was after it once more, and was within a dozen meters of it when she stopped cold.

Something had burst out of the gloom, its maws wide open as it swallowed the entire shark in one gulp. She had no idea what had just stolen its meal, only that it was like nothing she had ever seen before. It was roughly the same size as her, and its lower body resembled that of the fish she hunted. The upper body, however, was completely alien to her, possessing a strange filamentous growth coming off its head, bizarre looking limbs, as well as a pair of strange growths, characteristics she had never before seen on another predator.

There was, however, one thing she did now. This creature had invaded her territory, and now it would suffer for its transgressions. Opening her maw wide, she burst forward.

Her target had just finished wiping its mouth with one of its hands when it noticed her. Dumbstruck for a moment as it attempted to make out what was coming at her, it suddenly realized its intent. It swished its tail once, dodging the angry female by mere inches.

She had missed her target, and she knew she was now at a disadvantage. This was confirmed when a blow from a fishy tail smacked her across the head. While the intent of the counterattack had been meant to stun her, it had not been strong enough to do so and instead brought the tail within reach of her jaws. A quick bite removed a sizable chunk from the base of it, causing her foe to cringe before bursting off into the murky water, apparently having had enough with her.

Victorious and with a chunk of flesh in her belly to tide her over, she surfaced and took in a deep breath before diving. It was then that she panicked. She had no idea where she was, none of the landmarks she had both memorized and had used for years were visible anywhere, and it was then that she began to notice that the water felt different for some unknown reason.

Little did she know that was no longer home, nor that she would be unable to ever return to it. The portal through dimensions and time had seen to that. She was now stuck in Felarya, and if she wanted to survive in this magical realm, she would have to adapt...


Last edited by Jasconius on Sun May 09, 2010 5:35 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeTue May 04, 2010 1:03 am

Nice start ! Smile
Smooth description and a very intriguing setting there
I'm curious to see where it will go Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeTue May 04, 2010 5:19 am

Thanks, nearly done with the second chapter. Wanted to do a story from the perspective of something that wasn't sapient and that had landed in Felarya. Also working on a story entitle "Bounty Hunter".

I just have one question, are we allowed to use the main caste (Crisis, Anna, etc...) in our stories as long as we credit you, don't do anything to majorly change them, and keep them as accurate as possible?
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeTue May 04, 2010 11:49 am

What is this strange thing I feel within myself?

It's not hatred.

Not anger.

Hmmm....Not rage either...


THIS POSITIVE EMOTION DOES NOT COMPUTE.



*Explodes*



No, but really, it was surprisingly good.
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeTue May 04, 2010 12:44 pm

Jasconius wrote:

I just have one question, are we allowed to use the main caste (Crisis, Anna, etc...) in our stories as long as we credit you, don't do anything to majorly change them, and keep them as accurate as possible?

Sure no problem ^_^
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSat May 08, 2010 1:21 pm

Into the Blue: Part 2

It had been three weeks since she had entered this dimension, and already she had been greatly affected by it. Once a top predator in her own oceans, the Tylosaurus had gone wherever she wanted wherever she pleased without challenge, now the female had fallen down several rings in the food chain and was now forced to live a life of fear and caution.

On the other hand, she was now being affected by the magical properties of the Topazial Sea. No longer feeling the effects of old age, she felt as energetic as she once had in her youth. It was as if the waters had rejuvenated her.

She still hungered though.

Her developing offspring were being affected by the magical properties of surrounding waters as well, and unbeknownst to her they were developing at a faster rate. All she knew was that she was feeling hungrier more often. Luckily though, the region was rich in food, ranging from small cephalopods with spine-tipped tentacles to larger striped sharks, as well as miniature version of the
strange fish creature she had encountered when she first arrived in this strange sea.

She could have easily continued to thrive in the warm sunlit bay, hunting amongst the coral reefs. Now, however, she had been forced out into open water due to a series of events that almost ended up with her being killed. She would have to be careful now.

The first incident involved an encounter with a giant shark roughly the same size as her. It could have easily bitten her in half, though luckily it passed her up for easier prey, a pod of strange looking fish that she had encountered before in the area. Bizarrely, they breathed air and possessed horizontal fins. Despite how odd these fish were, she still found them to be quite filling.

The second incident occurred roughly one week ago, though this concept of time was foreign to Tylosaurus. All that she realized was that it involved another encounter with one of the strange fish-like creatures, only this one was nearly twice the size of the last one and dwarfed her by at least fifty feet.

It had arrived in the early morning, when she was still sluggish. Only the fleeing of numerous sharks and fish had forewarned her, and even then it had nearly swallowed her whole. She had only narrowly escaped this fate by diving into a thick patch of coral. The fire coral there had saved her life.

The threat wasn’t over, much to her dismay. The fish-like creature remained in the reef, apparently including it in its territory. She could no longer stay there, and was thus forced into abandoning the region or else risk becoming a meal for the larger predator later on.

Currently she was now traveling through open water. She had been moving quickly, for she feared encountering another one of the strange predators in a region she was unfamiliar with. It was then and there when she encountered the biggest fish that she had ever seen throughout her entire life.

------------------------------

At eighty feet long, the giants paid little attention to her, preferring to continue feeding on the plankton cloud they had been following for the last several hours during their annual migration. They knew that the tiny serpentine creature could do little against them.

They did, however, signal their young to move towards the center of the school, in case the predator attempted an attack on them.

Suddenly, they sensed something coming their way, something big. They knew what it was from past experiences. Knowing the dangers it posed to their own survival, they took off in the direction opposite of the incoming threat with great speed, leaving the tylosaur in their wake.

They hoped that it had not sensed them.

------------------------------

She watched the mighty giants vanish into the gloom, unaware why they had done so until she suddenly sensed that something was watching her. Turning to see what it was, she could make out the faint outline of something big coming towards her. It took her several seconds to realize what it was.

It was another one of the strange fish-like creatures, though it was only slightly smaller than the first one she had encountered. There were some other differences in its appearance though, but this mattered little to her. It was a threat, and she knew that she would rather escape than fight it.

She spun about and had just begun to swim off when she felt a sudden sharp tug on her tail. Turning about, she came face-to-face with the creature. Unable to identify the playful grin on the beings face, all she focused on was the fact that it had her tail was in its grasp. It pulled again, sending another sharp pain up her spine.

As this point the creature reached for her with its other hand. This was more than enough stress for the Tylosaurus. Snapping outward, her angle prevented her from doing any major damage as she bit into the outstretched hand. Though the attack only left a small impression in the skin, what happened next surprised her nonetheless.

Her captor released her almost instantly with a sharp cry, cringing in pain as it did so. Before she could even react to the change in her situation, her captor sped off back the way it came, the force of its wake causing her to spin in place. Disoriented, but safe at the moment, she attempted to reorient herself with some difficulty. Once she was able to, though, she started to swim off again, hoping to avoid any more encounters.

She had only gotten a few feet away when she sensed something again. Turning about once more, she could make out the fish-like creature coming back.

Had it come back to challenge her?

She accepted the challenge. Her teeth barred, she charged forward before seeing something that made her blood run cold. Out of the gloom behind the first fishtailed creature came another one that was bigger than anything she had ever imagined. The titanic creature was at least ten times her own size.

Unable to move, she was literally frozen with fear as the smaller of the two creatures pointed directly at her with one of its fingers, indicating her attack to the larger one. With a determined glare the larger one doubled its speed and aimed directly for the Tylosaurus.

She was unknowingly in the presence of one of the greatest of all creatures within the seas of Felarya, the mighty leviathan mermaid… and she had just attacked its daughter.


Last edited by Jasconius on Sun May 09, 2010 5:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSun May 09, 2010 1:19 am

Great chapter lol!
I'm loving this story, it's really an unusual one and you describe each scene very well ^_^
The ending made me chuckkle. I know the protagonist is an animal but you could imagine the sweat drop on her head like in animes at this moment XD
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSun May 09, 2010 4:58 am

Hey,

Okay, this is pretty awesome.

Since Felarya's quite strongly based on deviantart, I'll ask this using that language. Do you want the 'comment'' version or the 'critique' version (either publicly or by PM)?

In either case, really enjoying it so far. Please continue,

Yours,

Ambrose,
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSun May 09, 2010 5:38 am

Whoa... I'm really surprised how good this actually is. The idea of an ancient marine predator being sucked into Felarya sounds rubbish, but you've managed to turn it to gold. Love the strange, undetailed way the story describes things, it seems really fitting for a story from the perspective of an animal. I do hope our heroine manages to escape, silly kid should've known better.


Last edited by Jew on Wed May 19, 2010 11:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSun May 09, 2010 8:07 am

Thanks for the comments guys, and a.e. you can use whichever you prefer.

Was worried with the leviathan mermaid because it doesn't mention in the wiki page how exactly they reproduce (eggs or live young). I went with the latter since the creature is so big and rare that laying numerous eggs didn't seem likely. If this is wrong and leviathan mermaids do lay eggs, I will change this.
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSun May 09, 2010 4:19 pm

Hey,

Well, it's just my opinion. And you did ask, (or at least invited me to)...

Spoiler:
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeSun May 09, 2010 5:41 pm

ambrose-euanthe wrote:
Hey,

Well, it's just my opinion. And you did ask, (or at least invited me to)...

Spoiler:

Thanks, I implemented the changes you suggested. I have a third chapter nearly done, would you mind reviewing it before I posted it?
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeMon May 10, 2010 12:11 am

Hey,

I'd be happy to. Drop it to me in a PM and I'll take a look.

Yours,

Ambrose
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeMon May 10, 2010 1:05 am

Hmm, this is very interesting, especially from the perspective of an animal. Though I was half expected her to morph into a very confused "Tylomaid" when she warped through, or give birth to some. Laughing

It is cool to see the predators of Felarya through this sort of perspective, though it does prevent deeper characterization. But I am interested and want to see where this goes next.
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeTue May 11, 2010 2:25 pm

Newest chapter, thanks again to ambrose-euanthe for reviewing and editing it beforehand.


Into the Blue: Part 3

The lagoon was peaceful. These sunlit waters just off the Malyra fen were filled with life. From the mangrove forests close to the shore to the sponge reefs and seaweed forests surrounding the small islands, life thrived here in a variety of forms. Numerous fish of a variety species, magical and otherwise, swam about alone or in vast shoals, while sea turtles and seals lazily basked on the shore. All that appeared to be lacking were major predators, save for the rare shark or young sea naga. It seemed like a paradise.

It held a dark secret.

The great white swam into the lagoon, its ampullae of Lorenzini luring it there. Something was slowly dying, its muscle spasms being like a diner bell to the shark that at that point could smell the blood in water. It didn’t take long for it to find the source.

A young cachalot lay dying near the surface, just barely managing to take in an agonizing breath every few minutes. Its spinal cord and most of its tail had been crushed, preventing it from moving. It would soon drown, but for now it still managed to stay at the surface, though its struggles were weakening. It would not last the hour.

To the great white it was a feast. Slowly approaching the wounded animal, it prepared to take a bite when it suddenly sensed something heading directly for it. It turned just in time to see its own death coming for it.

A massive pair of jaws opened wide, causing a powerful suction as they did. Instead of the ivory white gleam of sharpened teeth, only a pair of gnathal plates sharpened into a deadly beak were visible. Behind them was only a void of inky blackness.

The shark never stood a chance. In an instant it was sucked towards the open maw, unable to react in time. The last thing it knew was pure darkness enclosing it followed by a sharp, crushing pain. A flurry of foam and bubbles, followed by a mass of broken teeth and cartilaginous bones showering the sea floor. As suddenly as the attacker had arrived, it was gone once again.

The lagoon was peaceful once more.

------------------------------

Meanwhile, less than fifty miles away…

Her body refused to move in the presence of the oncoming leviathan, that massive mother whose child she had bitten. Unknowingly and in self-defence, yes... but would that matter to it? Was it fear of a parent's wrath that had caused her muscles to lock up? Or the knowledge that her death was likely at hand?

Then Tylosaurus’ fight-or-flight response kicked her paralysis in the head, and she was gone.

With a swish of her tail she fled, hoping to outpace the enraged mother - who was steadily catching up to her. The shallows could be her sanctuary. Her pursuers great size would prevent it from following her there.

Hopefully.

Despite swimming at top speed, she could feel the presence of her fish-tailed pursuer right behind her. The slightest glance back confirmed this, and revealed that it had opened its vast mouth, surely in preparation for swallowing her. Banking hard to her right, she narrowly avoided becoming little more than a snack as that massive maw snapped just inches beside her.

It meant the leviathan's forward-facing eyes couldn't see her.

Spared, she dove deep, hoping confusion would delay her pursuer whilst it attempted to relocate her.

It worked. Momentarily.

Then she was grabbed by an outstretched hand. Her pursuer had caught her. Slowly, the vice-like grip dragged her back towards the fish-like creature's wide-open mouth.

She was doomed then and there - then her struggles allowed her to slip through her captor's fingers. It was at that point when her lungs began to burn from lack of oxygen and she knew should have to surface. In the back of her mind she hoped that the other fish-tailed creature wasn’t waiting for her there.

She bolted for the surface, rocketing out of the water with the most tremendous splash. As she filled her lungs with air, her hope of survival was renewed as she saw that she was close to land.

Suddenly this thought was shattered as the water behind the Tylosaurus exploded. Thousands of pounds of leviathan mermaid burst out of it, soon to be followed by its daughter as it playfully leaped beside Tylosaurus', having almost forgotten about the reason for chasing her already.

She hit the water head on, vanishing beneath the surface within seconds. She realized that she was being overshadowed as her pursuers massive frame momentarily blotted out the sun. The Tylosaurus expected to die. But something pushed her out of harm's way, out from between the creature's very jaws as they chomped down. The force of the creature's splash had worked against it.

This was her chance to escape. Perhaps her last. She noticed a series of massive rocky outcroppings ahead. Whilst her fish-tailed pursuer was busy relocating her, she dashed towards them with renewed vigor. Several schools of fish startled at her approach. They fled as her two pursuers began to chase her once again.

She weaved her way through multiple rocky pillars, her goal a towering stone mound that lay just beyond them. If she could find some crevice or hole within it then she would be safe. A rumble echoed from far behind her, and a quick glance revealed that the larger of the two creatures had attempted to simply swim directly through the pillars – and had gotten stuck in the process.

She was filled with relief when suddenly a shadow fell over her. This caused her to look aside, revealing to her that the smaller creature was now swimming beside her. Her eyes widened in terror at this, knowing that she was within range of an attack. What she didn’t know, however, was that the child was viewing the confrontation not as a hunt anymore but rather as a race, one that she was determined to win.

Despite her muscles tiring from the strain, she attempted to speed up. Her life depended on it. She had almost reached the stone mound when she saw something rising up from behind it. Several massive tentacles appeared, reminiscent of those of the octopuses she had fed on in her youth. However, whatever owned these was much larger.

Too close to veer aside, and with certain death behind, she did the only thing she could. Swimming the gauntlet offered her the only hope of life. But it, too, probably meant death.

She narrowly dodged the massive tentacles, swerving through them. One nearly caught her, and likely would have if she had not possessed a serpentine body. Instead the tentacle grazed her back, though luckily for her no suckers caught hold.

As she reached the other side, she glanced back. What she saw caused her to come to a stop as she realized she was no longer in danger.

Wide-eyed, she saw a massive creature crawl out of a hole in the side of the stone mound. It resembled the fishtailed creatures she had encountered save that its lower body was like that of an octopus instead of a fish. It paid no attention to her though, preoccupying itself with the smaller fish-like creature that it had enmeshed in its tentacles.

This attack didn’t last, though, as the larger fishtailed creature slammed itself into the octopus-like creature, causing it to release its catch as both went tumbling. It was at this point that the Tylosaurus decided it was time for her to get going, or else risk attracting the attention of whoever would be the victor of the battle.

With a flick of her tail she vanished into the blue, the shallows being her destination.


Last edited by Jasconius on Wed May 12, 2010 11:16 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jasconius' Stories   Jasconius' Stories Icon_minitimeWed May 12, 2010 1:42 am

Great chapter ! you really manage to describe very well the action here, it was almsot like watching a movie lol!
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