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Slimetoad
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Slimetoad


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PostSubject: Not so scary   Not so scary Icon_minitimeSun Sep 26, 2010 7:01 am

Swim. He had to swim. He had to swim or he was dead.

His limbs hurt so much. His tail felt like it would fall off. He could barely breathe, he could barely see where he was going to begin with. But he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t absolutely stop. It was right behind him, he could hear it glide, waves bubbling, jaws snapping. Faster, faster, he had to swim faster.

“Grendel! Over here, over here!!”

Between the foam and the splashing, he saw his siblings. They were high in the branches of a small tree, roots standing above the water. They cheered him on, yelled at him to swim, put even more hurry in his mind. He had to get there

Swim. Keep swimming. He could do it. He had to do it.

Come on, keep swimming

It was getting closer

Keep swimming, you runt, keep swimming.

Shadow slowly growing behind him

You have to reach that tree, come on…

Come on, come on, come on, come on….

Yes!!!!!

In a matter of seconds he dug his claws in the tough bark, climbed upwards as fast as his body allowed him to. Arms were quick to raise him to the branches. He was safe.

He looked back to the water. The exovole was turning back, giving up its ruthless hunt. Big unblinking eyes seemed to stare directly at Grendel before submerging and disappearing under clumps of floating weeds.

“You okay, Gren?”

“Hahah, dude, we should bring one of those when we hunt! You’d never lag behind!”

“Dryrm, shut the HELL UP! Don’t worry, runt, it’s over now. It’s all good.”

Yet the little squamataur barely heard any of that, shaking in fear. He still clung to the branch for dear life, looking down at the plant-choked river, even as it remained serene. Never taking his sight away...



The exovole crossed the Jewel River silently, stretched fins in an almost majestic image. Gems on the riverbed bathed it with their glow as it swam above them. Large eyes searched every corner in its path. It was hungry and nothing was going to stop it. Perhaps it would run into those floating things filled with tasty critters it loved to gobble so much. Or maybe some bunch of fish compact enough to swallow in one gulp. One could hope.

A disruption in the surface caught its attention. Something heavy had fell on the water, something that broke into little pieces as it floated. A slab of meat, it looked like. Already decomposing, but enticing regardless. Not bad at all. Lazily, the great fish fluttered its fins towards the surface and opened its mouth, ready to scoop up the chunky treat.

It certainly didn’t expect the dark shape suddenly hauling it out of the water, sending it flying on the surface

It hit the ground with a wet thud. Couldn’t see. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Madly it flopped and thrashed around in sheer confusion and fear. Panicked movements answered by something huge and heavy coming down on it. Again. And again. And again.

It still tried to struggle, and sharp teeth tore on its side, ripping off a large chunk of flesh. Inmense pain, blood gushing out without cease.

And as it lied there, dying in this blurred and water-less world, a monstrous shape came into view, with great shaking footsteps. Lifted it off the ground so effortlessly

“Hehe…..not so scary now, are we?”


A wet crunch, and darkness followed.


Last edited by Slimetoad on Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:24 am; edited 2 times in total
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French snack
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PostSubject: Re: Not so scary   Not so scary Icon_minitimeMon Sep 27, 2010 4:10 am

Grendel seems to be very much a creature of instinct. Which is understandable, given his circumstances. It's so easy to feel sorry for him, and yet... Good work on showing the exovole's perspective at the end. Felarya can indeed be a very cruel world.
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Slimetoad
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PostSubject: Re: Not so scary   Not so scary Icon_minitimeMon Sep 27, 2010 4:19 am

It can't be a bad thing to let your instinct guide you when everything is out to eat you, I think


And well, at some point the tables had to turn XD
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Anime-Junkie
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PostSubject: Re: Not so scary   Not so scary Icon_minitimeMon Sep 27, 2010 5:45 am

Indeed. French Snack has already commented on the narrative and I agree with him.
As my comments on that topic would be redundant, I will focus on the structure of the story.

Quote :
It was hungry, and nothing was going to stop it.
Grammatically speaking, a comma is never used preceding the word "and." However I and many other accept it's use in some situations because when spoken there is a pause before the "and." This is not one of those situations.

Quote :
Perhaps it would run into those floating things, filled with those tasty critters it loved to gobble so much. Or some bunch of fish compact enough to swallow in one gulp.
This particular part isn't worded too well. The "or" makes the second sentence seem like part of the first sentence, which is too long anyway. Again I'm commenting on your comma use, I think that the comma after 'things' is unnecessary.
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Slimetoad
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PostSubject: Re: Not so scary   Not so scary Icon_minitimeMon Sep 27, 2010 6:23 am

Aaaaah thanks for pointing it out. I'm not really as good writing in English as i'd like to ^^;

Will fix it now
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Stabs
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PostSubject: Re: Not so scary   Not so scary Icon_minitimeMon Sep 27, 2010 8:59 am

Slimetoad wrote:
It can't be a bad thing to let your instinct guide you when everything is out to eat you, I think
Depends on whose instincts we're talking about. Look what the exovole's instincts did to it.

Slimetoad wrote:
And well, at some point the tables had to turn XD
The turnabout theme sure is popular with kids nowadays. Just ask Phoenix Wright.

This turnabout hunt was sure enjoyable. Specially for Grendel, I surmise... not so much for the exovole. I mean, it wasn't even the same exovole. That thought only makes it funnier, though...
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Slimetoad
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PostSubject: Re: Not so scary   Not so scary Icon_minitimeMon Sep 27, 2010 12:36 pm

Stabs wrote:
Slimetoad wrote:
It can't be a bad thing to let your instinct guide you when everything is out to eat you, I think
Depends on whose instincts we're talking about. Look what the exovole's instincts did to it.

I didn't say they were good either XD
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