Mac's Felaryan adventures

This is were i am going to post all the stories about Mac's in Felarya, im probably gonna create a separte thread to show all the events in Mac's life on his home world of Endor. Critisim is welcomed but please be directional and spefic about it, i may rename the thread " The Chronicles of Mac:" and now without further a due Mac's felaryan adventures chapter one
*August 14th, 2018 A.U.*
It was a beautiful morning the birds started their morning song as the sun genteelly raised in the sky. The predators of the night were going to rest and the day predators were just beginning to wake from their slumber. It was a beautiful start of the day in Negav as the markets began to open for the day. Fishermen in the topazial sea began to look for their catch of the day. As they began their hunt a rippling disturbance began in the sky. Confused the fishermen watched as the disturbance became stronger until the sky itself look as if it were boiling water. Then it suddenly stopped, but before the fishermen could return to their tasks a blinding white light illuminated them soon afterwards a terrifying wave of thunder and unbearable heat washed over them. They watched on as a colossal wave of water followed close behind the wave of sound. The last the fishermen saw was foam of white water.
*Mac's POV*
There was an intense burning feeling all over my body. It felt like I was flying through the air. I can hear a tremendous roar in my ears. So I opened my eyes and saw orange haze all around me. That’s when I realized that I was on fire from the explosion. I checked to see if I still held on to my only remaining friend. He was still there, I was glad but the air around me was extremely hot. Suddenly I feel something tear off. I look to the left and see my 200 cal fly off. At that point I realized that I was going extremely fast through the air. I was hoping that things wouldn’t get any worse, but then I start hear the sound of metal beginning to peel and I knew exactly what was making that sound.
I screamed at the top of my lungs when I saw the first piece of armor fly off. As soon as the first piece flew off the burning in my back grew. It wasn’t long before the next piece of armor flew off. Trying my best to see where I was, I turned my body. Past the orange haze I could see a jungle. What I didn’t realize was that the heat was starting to melt my visor until it shattered inwards and into my face. I let out a painful cry and tuned and twisted in pain. I felt two armor layer chunks fly off. I knew that it wouldn’t be long before I burned up. But suddenly the burning stopped. Relived I look "up" only to get a tree top to smash into my face. Right before I passed out I felt my grip on Pocco loosening and my body smashing into another tree top.
*** Mac is unconscious as he smashed through tree after tree before finally hitting the ground, at that point he let Pocco go as they both bounced and finally carved trenches in the ground with the momentum their bodies had landed, and they landed in what is known as the fairy kingdom. It wasn’t long before the first fairies came to investigate the scene, but it was 6 hours before they got close due to the great heat coming off the soldiers bodies was too great for them to approach. When 6 hours had passed they took the closer look to see the strangest humans they had ever seen. Little to their knowledge the soldiers were about to wake from their unconscious stupor. ***
*Mac's POV*
"Oug what the fuck happened? I feel like I was set on fire then shot out of a cannon." I moaned. Then the events of what happened before I blackout came rushing back. I try to move my leg and feel a sharp pain come from it."Damn it" I said knowing the bone was broken.
"Holy shit he's alive!" I hear coming from behind me. I turn and see a little girl floating in front of me. My eyes which weren’t focused fully yet, made it look like she was floating. "Who or what are you?" I said. "Silly human I'm a fairy" She said. The glint in her eyes made me wonder what’s she was going to do next. I see her wave her hand and I feel a tingle in my skin, then my nose. I couldn’t hold back the sneeze.
"Achoow"
"Gazoonetight" said someone I couldn’t see.
"What was that?" I asked noticing the shocked looks on the girls in front of me. It was at that point where my senses came back into full focus. That’s when I truly noticed the wings on the girls' back, which reminded me of creatures of myth my mother told me about when I was a child. I look around to take in my surrounding, there was a pond to my left, some huts to my right at the 10 o’clock position then I realized I’m in a village. I asked one of them
"Where am I?"
"You’re in Felarya" answered a young one.
At this point I noticed the hungry looks on their eyes. "What’s with the hungry looks in your eyes?" I said in a semi-demanding voice. "Oh nothing" said the one in front of me. "Yeah right, like I'll believe you. I’ve seen enough deceivers to know when someone is trying to deceive me." I said now preparing for battle; I knew what was coming next.
What caught me off guard was the fact that one of them grew and tried to grab me. Her hands grabbed me but her grip was so weak that she could not hold my arms to my sides tightly. So by freeing one arm I pulled the other out and tried to open her hand. I was surprised on how easy it was to pry her hands apart despite from what I could tell she was trying her best to keep a grip on me. I grab her wrist with both hands and to my surprise I threw her 20 ft, even though she had grew to being nearly 3 times my size. I realized I could probably take them all on but when one of them threw a ball of fire at me I knew I was in trouble. The very fact that I was severely injured and my best friend was still vulnerable made me decide to retreat, not to mention the fact that I had 1 knife on my person and lost most of my gear on the descent didn't help either. The fact that these people knew how to use magic didn't help much either, nor the fact that I was out numbered 39 to 1. So I settled on the one option I had if I was going to survive, Haul ass out of here.
So I ran Over to my friend Pocco and by his crater I see my assault rifle, I pick it up as I ran by it, pulled a clip that was still on my assault vest and slammed it into the rifle, pulled back the charging handle and fired a burst of .50 cal slugs at the strange winged people by my friend. One bullet caught a wing and tore it off, another struck a fairy in both wings and took them both right off, and the last bullet was too high and only ripped some hairs off one of these fairies. I pause for half a second to scope up some gear and Pocco, and ran, ran like my worst drill sergeant was right behind me, ran like the devil was behind me. I kept running until night fall were I looked for shelter for the night.
It was maybe 10 minutes until I found a suitable cave. After testing to see if it were a trap I set Pocco down then went out to find material to set some traps, it didn’t take long to find what I needed. I found some vines, and some strong tree limbs, I dragged the materials back to the cave and began making some traps to deter any fairies that may have followed me. I found some boulders and I picked them up, I was surprised on how light everything felt, these rocks which were the size of my chest should have weighed 120 kilos easy, but they felt like 24 kilos. After setting up traps at the entrance of the cave and camouflaging myself, Pocco and whatever gear we had left, I took the boulders I had gathered and closed the entrance to the cave save for a hole big enough to see through and allow air to come in and out. After walking back to Pocco I laid down and I fell asleep thinking "just where the hell am I?” And so I began my hellish 2 week treak through the jungle to reach Negav city.
*present day Felarya, in a field outside the Bulvon woods*
"And that Fiona my dear was how I arrived in Felarya and how my first day went." I said with a tone a father would use with his daughter.
"Oh please tell me more I want to know more." Fiona asked me in a pleading voice.
"Not tonight Fiona, I’m tired and you still need to get to sleep, I’ll tell you more tomorrow night ok." I told her like a parent trying to get their child to go to bed after a story.
"Alright" she said to me sounding defeated.
I watched as she rested her hands on her head and promptly fell asleep. I took my boot and crushed the hot coals of the fire and scraped some wet dirt over it to finish it off. Pocco had already fallen asleep and Fiona’s head. So I picked up my rifle laid against a rock and fell asleep, my dreams were full of haunting revisions and ghosts that have followed me for my entire military career.

Okay, where to start.

Firstly, you REALLY should have had this edited before you posted this. Now, I'm not just talking about spelling - I'm talking about grammar, flow and formatting. There is no breaks and spaces which is really difficult.

While we're on flow, the point of view constantly switching is distracting, especially the way you do it here. And when you jerk out of the first person, you can't seem to decide wether you're using the past or present tense.

For the part where you are writing in first person, it comes off as awkward and stilted. Mac is just listing events that happen to him. It's all very stiff and there's nothing here to make us care about the character.

Another reason to get this edited is the awkward phrasing. For example - "At this point I noticed the hungry looks on their eyes. "What’s with the hungry looks in your eyes?"" You just repeated the same thing twice in different ways.

Another big problem is lack of description. You tell the audience everything in short, bland terms and don't give any indication of what the characters are like, or where they are is like.

A lot of stuff you put in is unnecessary telling - the worst part is the really awkward paragraph where you tell that they fell into the fairy kingdom, and fairies hung around for six hours. It's not really needed for the audience.

Another thing is the ridiculousness of the "combat" with the fairy. There is no tension built up at all and it feels just like going through the motions of a scene. Also, you state that Mac's leg was broken, but in a short while he is running while carrying another person. This lack of attention to what you're writing just before really breaks it up. Also, you mention this "Pocco" person but he plays no real part in the story - as well, Mac doesn't really indicate him as anything important. We don't get much from Mac as a character so we don't know this. Even at the end when Pocco is not unconscious he is just sort of there for no reason - dead weight.

Now, at the end, I assume that you're using Fiona the naga? I hope that you asked permission for that. If you did... you don't give any indication what she is. Someone not very familiar with Felarya would assume she is a little girl. This going back to my point before - there is really nothing to indicate this is the world of Felarya - you mention stuff like the Fairy Kingdom and Fairies but don't do a good job on description.

Anyways, I'd really advise picking a tense and getting this edited before you post more.

One thing I'd suggest is to maybe try to write in a more narrative style. All of the "_'s POV* and then using first-person just makes it seem more like an RP you wrote down than an actual story. There's even a couple parts where you switch between first and third-person POV in your writing, and that's just a no-no. You only use one of those at a time, and you only use one tense at a time in a story.

Don't forget your spacing either. In its current form, it is a bit tough to follow and read at times. In general, its good to double-space between lines of dialogue, and start a new line when a new speaker starts talking. If you have multiple speakers saying things in the same paragraph it just ends up looking really messy and jumbled. So yeah, think about using a more flowing style without the asterix's, maybe thing about using third-person, and work on your spacing.

Also, Im pretty sure you never asked to use Fiona. Could just be forgetful though. Be careful about that in the future. (If this is my Fiona you were using. I assumed it was since you mentioned Bulvon Wood as the location)

Heh, JT and Cliff beat me to this, but I agree with everything they've said. There's not too much point repeating it.
I do have a bit to add though.

You seem to have ignored our past critiques telling you to tone down your characters and Endorian species. Until you heed those, I can not really give any more regarding them.

Anyway you have Mac smashing through multiple Felaryan trees. I've got to say that no matter what organics he is made of, he wouldn't of made it through the first one. The trees that make up the Felaryan jungle are huge.

As cliff said, you switch between first and third person and then use asterisks to convey an action. This is not a good thing, it's flow breaking, looks bad and shows that the author couldn't find any way to convey something.

All that has been said by myself, Cliff said JT so far lead me believe that you don't know the basics of sentence flow or how to write a story.

Quote :

All that has been said by myself, Cliff said JT so far lead me believe that you don't know the basics of sentence flow or how to write a story.

Aj, calm down. No need to destroy all his efforts. Stop belittle him. you too jaette. your comment was fine cliff

Critique is not belittlement. It'd be a problem if he was told something like "you're terrible, stop trying" but they pointed out the flaws for him to work on if he so chooses.

Krisexy26 wrote:

Quote :

All that has been said by myself, Cliff said JT so far lead me believe that you don't know the basics of sentence flow or how to write a story.

Aj, calm down. No need to destroy all his efforts. Stop belittle him. you too jaette. your comment was fine cliff

I fail to see which part of my post was belittling.

Also, luke had welcomed criticism: "Critisim Criticism is welcomed but please be directional and speficspecific about it"

there is ways to make a critique and you cleary dont have it. my opinion.

Krisexy26 wrote:

there is ways to make a critique and you cleary dont have it. my opinion.

Krisexy, this thread is for the discussion and critique of Luke's story, not complaining and accusing people of bashing. Or telling them how YOU would critique, while not actually giving any critique yourself. If you have an issue with how someone's post is worded, maybe drop them a PM so this thread can keep on topic.

all i see is people saying theyre better than him. its not right

Please calm down...
I thought the comments were a little blunt but mostly fine in this case.
I just think it would be nice once you have two people making the case, to not have a third one coming right after and hitting even further.

The point is taken. Adding even more looks a little un-necessary and can be pretty overwhelming if you are in the shoes of the original poster.

Anime-Junkie wrote:

All that has been said by myself, Cliff said JT so far lead me believe that you don't know the basics of sentence flow or how to write a story.

That last sentence was a bit uncalled for...

Karbo wrote:

Please calm down...
I thought the comments were a little blunt but mostly fine in this case.
I just think it would be nice once you have two people making the case, to not have a third one coming right after and hitting even further.

The point is taken. Adding even more looks a little un-necessary and can be pretty overwhelming if you are in the shoes of the original poster.

Anime-Junkie wrote:

All that has been said by myself, Cliff said JT so far lead me believe that you don't know the basics of sentence flow or how to write a story.

That last sentence was a bit uncalled for...

Fact is though, this is an open forum and as long as the critique has some positive, constructive merit, anyone can come in and say whatever they want. Especially if the person posting the story ASKS for opinions and critique in the first place.

This bullshit where every single line of every single post gets hyper-analyzed for ANY percieved rudeness is getting old. All it does is make people paranoid about saying ANYTHING to ANYONE about ANYTHING.

We shouldn't have every post that isn't "OMG you rock! That was so sexy and good!" be looked at under a damn microscope.

Also, if you're going to post in a story thread, at least comment on the story. Posting in a thread to post about other posters' posts just distracts from the discussion. If you have a concern, handle over PM's so a thread doesn't get completely sidetracked, like this one has.

The point of my post is to avoid to pile up critiques onto another once the point has been made, which can be overwhelming for the original poster. and I'm taking in general here.

And if you dislike like my intervention I invite you to follow your own advice and to send me a PM.

Karbo, I understand that you're trying to keep the peace but I think its unnecessary.

We can't set a "maximum number of critiques" on stuff, or say that someone's critique is invalid because someone posted before them. If someone did not want their story open to critique, they would not post it. Everyone has an equal right to post critique as long as it is not flaming, which I don't see here.

No one here has ever said "your story sucks, we are all better than you."

The absolute meanest thing that one can do is to tell someone in need of improvement that their work is absolutely great without any sort of hint that they still need massive improvement.

Writing a critique is almost always an act of kindness. The critic wants to help the artist improve, so they highlight flaws and issues so that the artist can choose to improve upon those flaws. Being called out as aggressive after taking the time to critique a work can be incredibly frustrating to anyone, and it is the reason why nobody likes an artist who always lashes out at even the most lenient critics.

I know what it's like to be yelled at and called out when just trying to help (names will not be named as usual) and I can say from experience that it is a very, very bad feeling to have.

Hey! Hey listen!


This thread is about Luke's story. We can discuss the various merits/styles of critique all we want in vent, IM's or in another thread.

This thread is supposed to be about reading, critiquing and offering suggestions on how Luke can improve his story.

Anything else is just dragging the thread even more off topic. Let's try to keep some perspective here, people. Karbo, Krisexy and Aisu, you have all jumped into this thread to address other people, but you have not said a word about Luke's story. Don't you find that a little disrespectful? Let's get back on track here.

Alrighty, my thoughts on the first installment are sorta conflicting. There's the side of me that thinks Mac is somewhat over-the-top and should be toned down just a tad... or two. Then there's the side of me that smirked while I was reading because I enjoyed some of that over-the-toptitude.

While I admit that I feel he shouldn't be capable of doing some of the things he does, I also believe that your use of those abilities are just as important. I noticed you made an effort to show that Mac, in spite of his strengths, was still vulnerable and very much in danger. That helped me get through your story, instead of simply stopping and moving on to something else.

In my humble opinion, which isn't worth much these days mind you, you haven't taken Mac so far over the top that he's already standing at the bottom of the other side of the mountain. I believe that I can enjoy your stories as long as I don't take them seriously, and that is not meant to be taken offensively in any way.

Please do continue writing Luke. But take the advice to have your future stories edited. The critiques that I glanced at seemed fair to me and they offered a lot of good tips to help you express yourself better. It's just a matter of wanting to improve (don't be lazy like me).

Aaaanywayz, I'm looking forward to reading more of big Mac's adventures so hop to it.

thank you gt500x ^^ i will continue and this time i will go in depth into some of the things mac has to deal with

Note to all readers: i had a virus on my computer and it wiped out 3 chapters i had written , but thank god i had a near complete version( one which when reading over while typeing down gives me in my brian what fits and what doesnt) of them down on paper , though this means it may be awhile before the chapters get posted agian , this and the fact i have to use my bro's laptop to be online for my laptop for some reason cant connect to the web for some reason. ( we did a system restore to factory state, and for some reason the battery went dead and we had to try agian this time with sucess but still)
but if you gusy want i could post a preview of one of the chapters to come in the future * A story set 7 years ago, timeline wise*
well thats all for now chow

I think you should just post the full version

ok but thats gonna be awhile, since i have i refind where i placed that little piece of paper that had Mircosoft word 2007 product key on it so that i can fully reinstall word onto my laptop, when i can get internet working for it agian so my bro can get his laptop back.

Have you gotten permission from rcs619 to use his character Fiona? I'm only asking cause from what I've heard, he still hasn't agreed to that.