Leonardo the Sakavai and Sakavai culture

This is the main charactor of a story that I really want to add to Felarya. His name is Leonardo Ventaqual. He is a human from a culture of supersoldiers called the Sakavai who have a great sense of honor and morality who go to different worlds to help people.

First let me get Leo described. Leo without his armor can be described as a seven-foot white male with a very athletic body. His eyes are blue and his hair is short, brown, and a little messy. Leo's armor is a fully armored bodysuit. Its not like a big clonky tank its really more of a multi-piece suit that you can put on like any other clothes. It is light silver in color with a white trim. His helmet is very samurai- like and shaped like a normal head.. On top are three knife- like protrusions that are about 8 inches in length. The middle one points backward at a 45 degree angle. The two side ones also point backward at 45 degrees but slightly tilt to their respective sides. The helmet's visor is shaped like a thick V with both ends touching the far back of the helmet. From the bottom of the visor to the tip of the chin there is a thick vertical white line. On the back of the helmet there is an automatic pressurizing/ breathing system that connects to two tubes that run from the back and along the lower jaw up to the white line. This allows Leo to survive and breath in outer space and deep water for about 30 minutes. His chest piece is a snap on- snap off vest. The asthetic design on the front is made to vaugly resemble chest and ab muscles. The shoulder pads are flat, shaped like an upside- down pentagon, and cover only the bottom half of the shoulder. Leo's arm and leg pieces are flat and unremarkable. He likes to wear heavy boots and on his right wrist he has a built- in communications device.

Leo has a pleasant personality. He is kind, polite, reasonable, and smart. He won't go walking fully armored into a bar like he owns the place and start harassing the customers. No- he'll go walking fully armored into a bar like any regular guy, sit down, make small talk with the bartender, order a drink, and leave(Sakavai always go fully armored everywhere). When in a fight the severity of his actions depends on who he is fighting. If he's fighting petty criminals or someone he needs alive, he'll simply just knock them out or immobilize them. But if he's fighting a crime lord or some evil demon, he will show no mercy and kill them. He is very well educated so don't play him for a dunce. He is skilled in martial arts, acrobatics, swimming, melee weaponry and shooting. His personal weapons of choice are the traditional foot- long Sakavai armor wrist blades; which are built into his and literally EVERY Sakavai's armor which can pop out automatically thanks to a nerve- infused implant device; the Sakavai magnum pistol, automatic machine gun, and sniper rifle.

Now let me tell you all about the Sakavai. The Sakavai are the only culture of humans on an Earth- sized planet called Sakavios. Although they appear to be very militaristic and brutal, the Sakavai are actually a very peaceful and respected people. The best way to describe their culture is to start with a Sakavai's birth. As newborns Sakavai are raised by both parents with love and affection. On their second birthday Sakavai are slowly taught how to walk and talk. On their fourth birthday they start training. No they don't go running through the woods doing backflips, the parents simply start teaching them basic aspects of Sakavai society. They are taught how to obey "good" orders and disobey "bad" orders- which basically develops their moral-based decision making skills. They are taught how to hunt and properly cook animals and how to treat wounded animals. They are taught how to properly defend themselves, how to count, how to read, etc. Sakavai are basically home schooled at a steady pace. But that all changes on their tenth birthday. It is then that a Sakavai recieves their armor for life. The child actually gets to personally design their armor and the adults make it. But Sakavai armor is not made out of regular metals. You see, just 100 feet beneath the surface of Sakavios is a thick layer of magic- redundent metal called Savoretal.

Nobody knows why Savoretal is invincible against magic, but what is known about it is that it is incredibly light in weight. The average Sakavai suit only weighs five to 15 pounds! Savoretal ranks 8 on the MOH scale of hardness. Fortunatly, there are rich diamond(10) mines scattered across the planet that the Sakavai use to dig up the diamonds they need for forging their armor. Savoretal has a curious expanding effect when worn by someone. This helps explain why Sakavai wear the same suit for life, because it never stays the same size. A beneficial side effect of wearing Savoretal is that some of the anti- magic powers of the element rub off on and are absorbed by the user. But this can only happen if one has constantly worn a suit for several years and only works against minor spells such as size- changing or levitation.

Anyways- once the Sakavai child has recieved their suit, they are placed into the Sakavai version of military school for the next 10 years of their life. There they are taught Sakavai combat, who are their allies, who are their enemies, etc. But its not like they are brainwashed into mindless husks. They are also taught Sakavai culture, art, music, and even cooking recipies. It is also here that most romantic Sakavai relationships begin(though many Sakavai don't here and instead find love out in the stars; human or not ^_^).

Once their 10 years of military school are finished though, the single most important event of every Sakavai occurs. At the age of 20, every Sakavai is knighted by their general and sent out on the legendary 20-Year Crusade. The 20- Year Crusade is the most honored of Sakavai traditions, going thousands of years back when their civilization first started. What makes it legendary is that early on, a Sakavai would travel the globe for 20 years by foot, performing good deeds. But when the Sakavai acheived space travel, almost every other noticeable civilization in the galaxy took notice. And so it was that a Sakavai was to travel the stars for 20 years, performing the deeds of a hero. Since the Sakavai population is approx 5 million strong, it can easily be said that the Sakavai as a whole have been in almost every situation imaginable. But they know that this universe is endless, and that there will always be those in need. It should be noted though that Sakavai are by no means invincible. They are just as prone to being killed as any other organic creature. In fact only 3/5 Sakavai survive their 20- Year Crusade. But if they do, the Sakavai is to return to Sakavios. There they are honored for their completion of the 20- Year Crusade and a big party is held. After that, the Sakavai is free to do whatever they want. They might want to settle down and raise a family, or return to a certain world they liked, etc.

Sakavai are suckers for romance. When two have fallen in love- nothing can break that bond. It is usually custom for a pair to marry just before their 20- Year Crusade. Sometimes they have a child, sometimes they don't. But eventually they will. If a Sakavai doesn't find love at training and instead out on their Crusade with a non- Sakavai, the results are kind of contraversial. Just because one is married to a Sakavai, doesn't make them one. But if they have children, then the children are considered Sakavai. To be called a Sakavai is inherited, not given. Even more contraversial is if a Sakavai marries a non- human, as most other species tend to eat other sentient species. Sakavai aren't racist, they're just very exclusive in their culture.

Sakavai are a little different from "normal" humans. First of all- they naturally average 7 feet in height. Many people think that the armor adds a foot to them, but it really puts on only a couple of inches. In fact the shortest Sakavai ever known was 6 foot 2", and the tallest known was 9 foot 6"! The average life expectancy of a Sakavai is 100 years. And just to add more bragging rights, Sakavai don't lose any of their flexibility or mobility until they're 75. The Sakavai themselves don't know why they have these physical advantages, and are a little embarassed by it for whatever reason. A popular rumor among non- Sakavai is that these natural gifts are a result of thousands of years of good karma.

Sakavai have a simple political system- which is a democracy. Every 10 years the planet's population votes for a new president. However the term "president" doesn't strictly refer to one as simply the top political figure. On Sakavios- the term "president" is the highest possible rank in their society. After the president are the seven generals, then the admirals, and from then on the brigadeers, commanders, lieutenants, captains, majors, officers, warrent officers, seargents, corperals, privates, and the recruits. Despite having a strictly military controlled government, it by no means ever tries to take away the freedom of Sakavios' citizens, if you can call them that. Their govt. also never bothers to invade other planets, as that would go against just about every code of honor the Sakavai uphold. They have many starships at their command, fully armed with hyper powerful lasers and thick armor. The average Sakavai starship is 800 meters(2,400 feet) in length and 300 feet in height. Vehicles that Sakavai have in their society include cars, turret mounted jeeps, tanks, atvs, motorcycles, dropships, helicopters, planes, cruise boats, fishing boats and speed boats. Their weaponry is surprisingly limited. Among the traditional weapons the Sakavai have are their infamous wrist blades. These blades are put into every set of armor and can come out automatically at the mind's command. A single blade comes out of a slit in the armor on the top-side of both wrists. They are both one foot long and never become dull, so there is no need to sharpen them. Other melee weapons also include swords, spears, combat knives, axes, and sais. Sakavai also have bow arrows and crossbows. Sakavai also have guns, but they have like to have just one gun per role. They have an automatic machine gun, a semi- automatic rifle, a shotgun, a sniper rifle, a magnum pistol, and even a rocket launcher! But just because they like to keep it simple doesn't mean they don't upgrade every few years...

The Sakavai have mixed feelings with various sentient beings, and vice-versa. Sakavai are the hero- type, and they stand for the rights of all sentient beings, even those they don't like. And if its one thing that really irks a Sakavai, its sentient species eating other sentient species. The very thought of it sparks an angry fire inside of every Sakavai, and out of all the jobs the Sakavai perform- one can easily say that they specialize in saving people from being eaten by bigger people. So it comes as no surprise that Sakavai and tinies are on very good relations. The Sakavai as a whole have a very soft spot for tinies, and love to go out of their way to protect them. In fact in the center of the Sakavai capital city on Sakavios- Karoush- there is a full sized mini city made just for tinies! So it comes to no surprise that Sakavai have strong feelings of hatred toward the Snackagirl (French Snack's creation) industry. They find the very premise disgusting, and do ANYTHING in their power to save any Snackagirls they see. If they see a pile of Snackagirls in a candy store, that place is thrashed. If they see someone eat a Snackagirl, they- regardless of the eater's age- either make them vomit or cut the victim out. In fact on some planets several Snackagirl factories have mysteriously been destroyed overnight. In all cases the building was reduced to rubble, the employees were all dead, and all the Snackagirls were gone. The Snackagirl corp. has repeatedly tried to sue the Sakavai, but have failed for three reasons: to sue one is to sue the whole population; they don't have any evidence for the factory "accidents"; and if they try anything against the Sakavai, they might as well just ask them to destroy the Snackagirl industry without any legal reprecussions.

It also isn't a shocker that Sakavai and nekos do not get along well. Countless nekos have lost entire meals of tinies because of the Sakavai, and the Sakavai resent anyone who accepts eating people. The two groups have a natural distrust of each other. Same goes for every other species. Nagas, Mermaids, everyone. But of course its not like a Sakavai instantly hates someone for being a species that is know to eat people.They are fully aware that humans too tend to eat people, just not everyone. So, why can't the "not everyone" rule apply to other races? Of course they'll still be distrusting of strangers, they'll give them a chance to show their true colors. But by far the most contraversial of all Sakavai- non Sakavai relationships is their rivalry with the Angels. I am dead serious.

Its really the Sakavai who started the whole ordeal. The two groups used to be on good terms, what with both of them being upholders of justice. However, it was when the Sakavai discovered that angels ate people, they split. The Sakavai expected better out of the angels. For these heavenly beings to go about eating people, some of them not even sinful, was unacceptable. They saw the angels as hypocrites from that point on, only barely held in higher regard than the succibi. The angels did not take this broken alliance harshly, in fact they brushed it off. But it was when an angel one day actually tried to eat a Sakavai but failed when the Sakavai brutally injured her, that the relationship officially turned poisionous. The Sakavai now had even more reason to hate the angels and the angels were angry that one of their own was critically injured, but nothing could be done about it. The reason for this is that in acient times, when the Sakavai culture was still relativly young, they slowly began to drift away from both the powers of heaven and hell, and eventually formed their own religion. The Sakavai religion is not a religion that has a god, so worship is not required. What happens is this: when a Sakavai dies, their spirit is instantly transported to Sakavios(if they died off world) and they essentially become something of a gaurdian spirit of both the planet and the Sakavai culture. Sakavai and angels rarley meet of course. But when they do, one can feel the air drop about 10 degrees. They will have a short stare down, talk about the relevant topic at hand and part ways. The two only fight if one side thinks the other has been doing something that goes against what they stand for. Its always the Sakavai who starts the fight however, when they catch an angel in the act of eating someone. And in every dual it always ends in a tie. The Sakavai walks off with the could have been victim to deal with them, and the angel flies off frustrated. However, there have been several cases where the two groups have briefly set aside their differences to fight a common foe, such as a succubus or some other great demon.

A curious thing about Sakavai is that they have a habit of adopting children. And not just human children. Really just about any orphan of any species of any size is fair game. The main reason why they do this is because its the right thing to do. When a Savakai finds a lone child crying out in the middle of nowhere with nobody else around, I can absolutly garauntee you that the Savakai is going to feel sorry for the kid, and become their adoptive parent. They also do this because if the child is of the giant kind, they can save them from the fate of becoming a man-eating monster and hopefully spark some kind of revolution of peace between all species in the future.

The Sakavai find Felarya(Karbo's creation) to be one of the strangest worlds that they know of. They consider it a dimensional freak-accident. Add the fact that the place is controlled by giant predators and millions of people die there every day, there is nothing they would like better than to simply nuke the place. However, they see that Felarya has some purpose in this world, but they don't know what. They consider Felarya to be a kind of dumping ground for them. The Savakai know the coordinates of Felarya's dimensional gates. So if they ever have a giant predator they have captured alive but don't want to personally kill, they will simply load them onto one of their starships, go to Felarya, drop them off in the northern parts, and go back. They also consider Felarya to be a lost cause. There are simply too many predators and too many dangers to deal with in that place. And even if they SOMEHOW got rid of all that, they would have to deal with the Gaurdians. Even though the Savakai are invincible to every kind of magic no matter how powerful thanks to their armor, they are still human. So they are incredibly puny compared to the Gaurdians- who could easily just squash them. And even if they SOMEHOW, AGAINST ALL LEGIT ODDS, beat the gaurdians(pff yeah right), they would still have the dimensional portals to deal with. In the end it would not be worth it and they would all more than likley all die if they tried. But that doesn't stop them from coming anyways. When a Sakavai comes to Felarya, it is always because they are on some important mission. They will go there, save some people, get the job done, stay a short while, and then leave. When a Sakavai returns to Felarya, it is never because they missed it.

In fact Felarya is where Leonardo just happens to be going when we first meet him! At this point in his life, he is exactly at the half- way point in his 20- Year Crusade, so he's 30 years old. He's seen a lot of stuff already in the galaxy. Some nice, but most ugly. He's a hardened fellow, but by Sakavai standards he's still a little light hearted and humorous. The reason why he is going to Felarya is because he is searching for a villian.For some reason this villain thought it would be a good idea to hide out in Felarya for a while. Now most villians in Felarya are simply dicks with plans of world domination or something. But this guy- he's- disturbing. Even the Felaryans would find him cruel and sick. You see, this guy(I don't have a name yet for him) is a cannibal. He is a human serial killer who hard vores his victims. Raw. And it just so happens to be that he and Leo have been arch enemies for a few years. And that's the premise for my story! Oh- and when Leo gets to Felarya he quickly loses his guns, so he's stuck with his blades, his bare hands, and his wits.

Now I just want to say: I have no intention for Leo and the Sakavai as a whole to be UPC's. My intention for these characters is to expand the universe. Not to have some super soldier jumping through the trees killing everybody. This guy is stronger than the average human believe me, but he has no chance in beating a giant in a wrestling match. He is as capable of dying as any other guy. And he's not going to be some cold stereotypical cliche macho man, he is going to have a full backstory and he is going to have a personality.

Also if you guys don't mind- maybe when I'm finished with the main story and it recieves positive reception, I might do a spin-off series based off of Leo's 20-Year Crusade where we can get a look at other worlds besides Felarya. It would be a great oppritunity to flesh out the universe and show what other strange worlds there are!

Wow- my first post is a LONG one O-O

I have more characters planned so stay tuned!

Hmm... Reading this combination character-species bio, one thing is very apparent to me; you've rushed this. It's like you've got a whole mass of different ideas, traits and characterisations and then just hacked them together. There's no structure or to this bio; theme other than that of "these are the traits that I think are cool."

The result is an entire species of mary-sues.
At this point I'd normally offer point-by-point critique, but I'm not sure it would do any good. To make this thing workable you would have to start again from the ground up. That's what I recommend doing here.

You've gone into this blindly. I strongly recommend working out what you really want, the main theme of your character. If something doesn't fit with it; then discard it.

Also I recommend talking to people. Many people here have been around for a long time; they can and will help you if you ask. This is a community; nobody makes anything completely own their own.

I am going to have to agree with AJ here you're race is very Sueish. Examples of this include, but aren't limited to:
1) Their being of equal power to angels. Angels are divine beings possessing a great deal of magic, skill with a weapon, raw power, and lastly size.
2) The material "Savoretal" which you described that their armor is made is just over the top in terms of power. It's beyond light given the amount of coverage and on top of that it stops all magic and is very hard, requiring diamonds to mine it. The ability to stop all magic regardless of power is simply far too much especially with the lack of reasoning you put behind it. This is further amplified by the overabundance of such a substance with very powerful abilities.
3)It seems that the entire culture is set to provide help to all needy species without discretion this is a reoccurring Sue trait that I would rather see die than to resurface once more.

This bio is simply littered with these types of Sue traits that it would be easier to start over than attempt to salvage this, but before you do I would strongly recommend reading through the wiki in great detail and looking at how different pieces of the world fit together as a whole. When creating an idea you should not be looking at how my idea is going to be bigger, better, stronger than all the others, you should be looking at how your idea could fit in to complement the other ideas.

As AJ said talking with older members in the community can provide a great deal of help aquatint you with the setting, and helping to get a feel of how your ideas will do before submitting them for the whole community to view.

So kick back, relax, read through the wiki, and find an older member of the community to speak with.

Anime-Junkie wrote:

Hmm... Reading this combination character-species bio, one thing is very apparent to me; you've rushed this. It's like you've got a whole mass of different ideas, traits and characterisations and then just hacked them together. There's no structure or to this bio; theme other than that of "these are the traits that I think are cool."

The result is an entire species of mary-sues.
At this point I'd normally offer point-by-point critique, but I'm not sure it would do any good. To make this thing workable you would have to start again from the ground up. That's what I recommend doing here.

You've gone into this blindly. I strongly recommend working out what you really want, the main theme of your character. If something doesn't fit with it; then discard it.

Also I recommend talking to people. Many people here have been around for a long time; they can and will help you if you ask. This is a community; nobody makes anything completely own their own.

Thank you for your overview. Criticism is good. But let me just get one thing clear: Sakakvai are not an alien species. They're humans. Humans who have been isolated on an alien planet and have developed their own culture. But looking back I gotta admit I was pretty messy on this. I should've been more simple. And I'm thinking now that I should tone down the power of Savoretal so that it repels all magic up until the generally high class stuff. I only really made up that mineral so my character doesn't have to worry about being picked off by a fairy. And I should make it softer. What are some other specific things I should change?

And yeah they kind of are a bunch of mary sues I guess- I should make them less perfect.

The other day I posted a really long post on a new character and new human culture I have in mind. Unfortunatly- the whole thing just turned into one giant compilation of "cool" traits. Its in the new character section, and its a mess.It shares the same title as this post. Somehow I turned a human culture entirely made up of badass super soldier freelancers into a club of goody- two shoes. The actual main character- Leonardo- turned out pretty okay. But its his culture and the explanations behind it that are so wrong! Please you guys I'd really appreciate it if you gave me your honest no pulling- punches opinions. Here are the main problems:

1.) The natural material that the Sakavai culture mines- Savoretal- is like invincible to all magic and ranks an 8 on the MOH scale, so they mine convienant diamond mines to forge it. Okay I am for sure lowering its power so it just deflects average magic and bumping down its hardness to a 7.

2.) A Sakavai being able to beat an angel in a fight. Oh my god what was I thinking. I established that the Sakavai people had unintentionally broken away from the powers of heaven and hell and have created their own afterlife- but I must've been high! A mere mortal human taking down an angel to save someone from being eaten. Sooooo many flaws and holes in that.

3.) The Mary-Sue attidude. Um- I know this sounds weird but- should I make them racist towards some species? Not in a blind evil way but in that they distrust other species because they eat sentient beings (giants, nekos, nagas). I mean if these guys can hold a hostile grudge against the angels for eating people then shouldn't they be a little mean towards other creatures? And there should be some douchebag Sakavai. I made them way too nice.

Please guys if you see this- go read the first post, come back, and give me any change suggestions you have. I don't want to be the noob of this forum.

First of all, I need to give you serious props for being able to take that criticism, see the flaws in your work, and be open to hearing suggestions to tweak or change them. That takes a lot of maturity, and you would be suprised how many people never reach that step, or take much longer to get there.

Quote :

1.) The natural material that the Sakavai culture mines- Savoretal- is like invincible to all magic and ranks an 8 on the MOH scale, so they mine convienant diamond mines to forge it. Okay I am for sure lowering its power so it just deflects average magic and bumping down its hardness to a 7.

The main issue with body armor is often weight. There is always a trade-off between weight and protection. Like, today, we DO have better, more protective kinds of armor we could give to our infantry, but the weight of said armor would be so prohibative that it isn't worth it. Modern warfare places a very high emphasis on mobility.

It is also important to consider the role of infantry, which is to take on other infantry, capture and secure targets, and occaisionally take out vehicles with specialised weapons. Once again, using today's military as an example, there is no armor you can strap on an infantryman that will let them survive a tank shell, or artillery round...so, all their armor needs to protect against is small-arms fire, and other infantry weapons.

Basically, it tends to cme off as overpowered, or poorly thought out when one material, and one set of armor is protection from everything. There are nearly always going to be trade-offs and weaknesses in just about every offensive and defensive system made for warfare.

As for deflecting magic...well that is a bit trickier. Having magic resistant armor isn't going to help you if a geomancer flings a 1 ton boulder at you. It isn't going to keep a fire mage from burning you to death with a jet of flame, an ice mage from impaling you with ice shards, or a water make from being able to just outright drown you. The only thing "magic deflecting" armor would be useful for would be to protect against curses, enchantments, and other forms of magic that don't use physical means to attack you.

Quote :

2.) A Sakavai being able to beat an angel in a fight. Oh my god what was I thinking. I established that the Sakavai people had unintentionally broken away from the powers of heaven and hell and have created their own afterlife- but I must've been high! A mere mortal human taking down an angel to save someone from being eaten. Sooooo many flaws and holes in that

Yeah, Angels and Demons are sort of unbalanced. They are divine beings from different planes of existance. They also have access to all kinds of very powerful magic and artifacts. That's why I tend to keep away from them, personally. I just don't know what I could do with them. I believe some people have done alright with them in the past though.

Quote :

3.) The Mary-Sue attidude. Um- I know this sounds weird but- should I make them racist towards some species? Not in a blind evil way but in that they distrust other species because they eat sentient beings (giants, nekos, nagas). I mean if these guys can hold a hostile grudge against the angels for eating people then shouldn't they be a little mean towards other creatures? And there should be some douchebag Sakavai. I made them way too nice.

I don't think tacking on racism for the sake of racism is the answer. I just think they come off as TOO noble and nice. They're helping people for the sake of helping them, and don't really get anything in return for putting their lives in danger. For individuals (and superheroes) this can work, but for a whole species...it just makes them seem a bit...off. Im sure others can probably give better ideas on how to tweak them, because I just don't know. Building up a whole species, and a whole world, can be tough. It takes a lot of trial and error sometimes. Just stick with it, and always be looking for things you can make better ^^

Right now, they just come off as a perfect, noble, virtuous species of super-soldiers who always help the needy and always do what is right.

Only thing I did notice, is that they seem a bit too focused on stepping in and stopping vore. I dunno, it just seems odd that they're so involved in stopping something that really only happens on Felarya...and like a couple other worlds (Elle's is the only one that comes to mind).

Either way, the fact that you are so open to criticism, and willing to take it in stride is certainly a good sign. Just gotta keep hammering away at your idea ^^ Creation is a constnat process of tweaking and refining what you have already done.

rcs619 wrote:

First of all, I need to give you serious props for being able to take that criticism, see the flaws in your work, and be open to hearing suggestions to tweak or change them. That takes a lot of maturity, and you would be suprised how many people never reach that step, or take much longer to get there.

Quote :

1.) The natural material that the Sakavai culture mines- Savoretal- is like invincible to all magic and ranks an 8 on the MOH scale, so they mine convienant diamond mines to forge it. Okay I am for sure lowering its power so it just deflects average magic and bumping down its hardness to a 7.

The main issue with body armor is often weight. There is always a trade-off between weight and protection. Like, today, we DO have better, more protective kinds of armor we could give to our infantry, but the weight of said armor would be so prohibative that it isn't worth it. Modern warfare places a very high emphasis on mobility.

It is also important to consider the role of infantry, which is to take on other infantry, capture and secure targets, and occaisionally take out vehicles with specialised weapons. Once again, using today's military as an example, there is no armor you can strap on an infantryman that will let them survive a tank shell, or artillery round...so, all their armor needs to protect against is small-arms fire, and other infantry weapons.

Basically, it tends to cme off as overpowered, or poorly thought out when one material, and one set of armor is protection from everything. There are nearly always going to be trade-offs and weaknesses in just about every offensive and defensive system made for warfare.

As for deflecting magic...well that is a bit trickier. Having magic resistant armor isn't going to help you if a geomancer flings a 1 ton boulder at you. It isn't going to keep a fire mage from burning you to death with a jet of flame, an ice mage from impaling you with ice shards, or a water make from being able to just outright drown you. The only thing "magic deflecting" armor would be useful for would be to protect against curses, enchantments, and other forms of magic that don't use physical means to attack you.

Quote :

2.) A Sakavai being able to beat an angel in a fight. Oh my god what was I thinking. I established that the Sakavai people had unintentionally broken away from the powers of heaven and hell and have created their own afterlife- but I must've been high! A mere mortal human taking down an angel to save someone from being eaten. Sooooo many flaws and holes in that

Yeah, Angels and Demons are sort of unbalanced. They are divine beings from different planes of existance. They also have access to all kinds of very powerful magic and artifacts. That's why I tend to keep away from them, personally. I just don't know what I could do with them. I believe some people have done alright with them in the past though.

Quote :

3.) The Mary-Sue attidude. Um- I know this sounds weird but- should I make them racist towards some species? Not in a blind evil way but in that they distrust other species because they eat sentient beings (giants, nekos, nagas). I mean if these guys can hold a hostile grudge against the angels for eating people then shouldn't they be a little mean towards other creatures? And there should be some douchebag Sakavai. I made them way too nice.

I don't think tacking on racism for the sake of racism is the answer. I just think they come off as TOO noble and nice. They're helping people for the sake of helping them, and don't really get anything in return for putting their lives in danger. For individuals (and superheroes) this can work, but for a whole species...it just makes them seem a bit...off. Im sure others can probably give better ideas on how to tweak them, because I just don't know. Building up a whole species, and a whole world, can be tough. It takes a lot of trial and error sometimes. Just stick with it, and always be looking for things you can make better ^^

Right now, they just come off as a perfect, noble, virtuous species of super-soldiers who always help the needy and always do what is right.

Only thing I did notice, is that they seem a bit too focused on stepping in and stopping vore. I dunno, it just seems odd that they're so involved in stopping something that really only happens on Felarya...and like a couple other worlds (Elle's is the only one that comes to mind).

Either way, the fact that you are so open to criticism, and willing to take it in stride is certainly a good sign. Just gotta keep hammering away at your idea ^^ Creation is a constnat process of tweaking and refining what you have already done.

Thanks for your input Hm, maybe I could just make it so that Savoretal is just resistant against magic like size- changing, levitation, curses, etc. And the armor isn't in big blocks. The armor peices are actually kind of flat and placed at physically agreeable angles. And besides in small amounts Savoretal only weighs a few pounds. And true the armor should be mixed with other materials.

Maybe I should just shrink down the Sakavai-Angel rivalry from hatred to simple distrust. Same for other species

And the anti-vore thing, maybe I should turn it into more of something the Sakavai frown upon. They'll still try to stop it when they get the chance but its not like its their main objective.

Well thanks and by the way just so you know- the Sakavai aren't an alien species. They're just humans who have been isolated on a planet for a long time who have developed their own culture and lifestyle. If you read the original post then you'll know that the Sakavai people travel the stars helping people for 20 years is their version of a rite of passage. During that time they can turn rouge or if they complete it they can do whatever they want for the rest of their life.

Quote :

Well thanks and by the way just so you know- the Sakavai aren't an alien species. They're just humans who have been isolated on a planet for a long time who have developed their own culture and lifestyle

Sentient life from another world with its own culture and lifestyle is pretty much the definition of an alien. The Delurans are aliens, the Miritans are aliens, the Vishmitals are aliens. The fact that they are human doesn't really affect that.

This should have gone in the existing thread. This particular subforum is for wiki change suggestions; not change suggestions in general. I'm requesting a mod merge this.

Anyway, you said you wanted the magic resistance so your character doesn't have to worry about being picked off by a fairy, curses, etc.

This is one of the worst ways to go about doing anything. Unfortunately it's a fairly common phenomenon I term "hard counter abilities."

Hard counter abilities are powers and abilities given by an author to a character in order to protect them from something specific. The ability exists solely to counter this particular thing and has no other reason for existence. How the character obtained this ability is usually very arbitrary or can even be intrinsic to the character.


This is usually the sign of an inexperienced author. If an author feels the need for a hard counter ability, it usually means they see a problem in their story or setting that the character will have to deal with. They try to solve it by having the character either be immune to the problem or be able to eliminate it through force.

That approach produces boring characters; often with poor characterisation. If a character always has a solution for everything; there's no story. Stories revolve around some sort of conflict or struggle; no matter how big or small. If a character is just immune to or can defeat every problem they have with ease; any story they are in becomes a boring series of events in which the character easily defeats anything they come across.

Hard counter abilities can represent a number of things. In more inexperienced authors it can show the want of the author to see the character succeed no matter what. This is usually because the author sees themselves as their character. Nobody likes to see themselves fail, so 'self inserts' as these characters are called, are successful at everything. They fulfilled the wishes of the author through fantasy. This is boring because nobody really wants to see someone else's blatant wish fulfilment

Character development occurs with characters solve problems themselves, rather than having an author bestow an arbitrary ability on them that solves the problem for them.
Struggle, conflict and opposition are required in a story to make it interesting. The presence of any problem is a story opportunity.

Anime-Junkie wrote:

This should have gone in the existing thread. This particular subforum is for wiki change suggestions; not change suggestions in general. I'm requesting a mod merge this.

Anyway, you said you wanted the magic resistance so your character doesn't have to worry about being picked off by a fairy, curses, etc.

This is one of the worst ways to go about doing anything. Unfortunately it's a fairly common phenomenon I term "hard counter abilities."

Hard counter abilities are powers and abilities given by an author to a character in order to protect them from something specific. The ability exists solely to counter this particular thing and has no other reason for existence. How the character obtained this ability is usually very arbitrary or can even be intrinsic to the character.


This is usually the sign of an inexperienced author. If an author feels the need for a hard counter ability, it usually means they see a problem in their story or setting that the character will have to deal with. They try to solve it by having the character either be immune to the problem or be able to eliminate it through force.

That approach produces boring characters; often with poor characterisation. If a character always has a solution for everything; there's no story. Stories revolve around some sort of conflict or struggle; no matter how big or small. If a character is just immune to or can defeat every problem they have with ease; any story they are in becomes a boring series of events in which the character easily defeats anything they come across.

Hard counter abilities can represent a number of things. In more inexperienced authors it can show the want of the author to see the character succeed no matter what. This is usually because the author sees themselves as their character. Nobody likes to see themselves fail, so 'self inserts' as these characters are called, are successful at everything. They fulfilled the wishes of the author through fantasy. This is boring because nobody really wants to see someone else's blatant wish fulfilment

Character development occurs with characters solve problems themselves, rather than having an author bestow an arbitrary ability on them that solves the problem for them.
Struggle, conflict and opposition are required in a story to make it interesting. The presence of any problem is a story opportunity.

Oh I see. So just because my character has one card up his sleeve- it means he is going to win every time. And so cleary he is going to suck. Well let me lay down some facts.

1.) I changed Savoretal from being invincible to being only able to deflect "simple" stuff like size changing and weak curses. But if my character gets into a fight with an experianced user of magic- he will be affected by it like any other person. And its not like every predator he runs into is gonna be a fairy. Or someone who uses magic.

2.) Why can't something like Savoretal exist in a universe as weird and diverse as Karbo's creation? With all these worlds, there is bound to be some kind of mineral that shows some signs of resistance against magic. Next thing you'll be telling me that a dimensional jungle world populated by hybrid giants can't exist in Karbo's world let alone a rock.

3.) I never had any intention of Leo being the kind of character who always win. He does lose every now and then. In fact the reason why he went to Felarya in the first place was because he failed to stop the villian of the story!

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this JPOAR, but in the end what you do with this character is entirely your choice, though I think AJ did bring up some good points.

The matter I want to speak on is the armor.

justpissoffalready wrote:

1.) I changed Savoretal from being invincible to being only able to deflect "simple" stuff like size changing and weak curses. But if my character gets into a fight with an experianced user of magic- he will be affected by it like any other person. And its not like every predator he runs into is gonna be a fairy. Or someone who uses magic.

The size shifting magic immunity makes it hard to embrace this character because the threat of being shrunken is part of what makes encounters with fairies in Felarya interesting. Though you said "deflect," that still read immune. I'd prefer the armor be "resistant," making the size shifting magic harder to perform or require more time to take effect. Almost anything is better than immune.

That's about all I'm going to say, short and sweet. Have fun.

gt500x wrote:

The size shifting magic immunity makes it hard to embrace this character because the threat of being shrunken is part of what makes encounters with fairies in Felarya interesting. Though you said "deflect," that still read immune. I'd prefer the armor be "resistant," making the size shifting magic harder to perform or require more time to take effect. Almost anything is better than immune..

Resistant. That's the word I was looking for. Thanks. And sorry if I took out some of the thrill in any fairy scenes I may have- its just that I don't want to have to deal with a constant size changing sub plot whenever a fairy pops up. Actually- I plan to use this fact about my char's armor as a humorous sub plot with some fairies.

Fairy magic isn't "simple." It's one of the most powerful forms of magic; that's why they need their wings to power it. Fairy wings are like focusing arrays that draw massive amounts of magic from the surroundings to power the size changing spell.

Everything I've said still applies. If you don't want to have to deal with a size changing plot (which would probably involve a lot of waiting, as it does wear off after a little while) then there are other ways of achieving it. Fairy size changing spells aren't instantaneous things. They're not gonna come along and instashrink your character. If you shoot, strike or otherwise distract them, I'm sure they'd drop the spell to defend themselves. It's still a short window of opportunity, but I'd say the magic resistance of the armour would slow down the effect of the spell giving your character a chance to strike; something that I'd imagine he's be able to do very swiftly.
That kind of thing will give you a whole lot of ways to show off your character's skill.

Fairy size changing spells aren't instantaneous things. They're not gonna come along and instashrink your character. If you shoot, strike or otherwise distract them, I'm sure they'd drop the spell to defend themselves. It's still a short window of opportunity, but I'd say the magic resistance of the armour would slow down the effect of the spell giving your character a chance to strike; something that I'd imagine he's be able to do very swiftly.
That kind of thing will give you a whole lot of ways to show off your character's skill.[/quote]

Hm, well put. Thank you for that info. Its cleared some problems and maybe even given my char a reason to be a little ruthless.