Deimos

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Deimos is incredibly strong and has a heightened sense, many of her fellow soldiers believe quite strongly that she could go toe to toe with a hydra.

I feel I should mention here, I do not mean to say she can beat something as big as a hydra I was merely trying to give a view of how her fellow warriors see her.

Well, I can't say I've seen too many greek-inspired characters. So points for creativity there.

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She is flat chested and bare chested as is the culture for her nations soldiers

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and bare chested as is the culture for her nations soldiers

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bare chested

*looks up to the top of the bio*

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Age: 14

Yeah... Either the age, or her attire is going to need to change. We can't really have a topless, 14-year old girl running around. I'd vote for the age, personally, since the "incredibly young, combat-prodigy" type of character has been done many, many times before. In the end, what you edit is your choice though.

Also, Spartans DID wear armor on their chests in combat. Armor on their torsos, armor on their arms and legs, armor on their head, and then their shields. They were pretty much the walking tanks of the ancient world. Agility wasn't a real concern, since their whole military strategy revolved around coordinated formations of soldiers.

I believe they had height limits as well, since, in order to form a proper shield wall, all the shields would have needed to be held at the same height. I just think, being so short, this character would be extremely hindered in a phalanx, which was the Spartans' primary battle tactic.

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Weapons: On her left non sword arm she carries with her a bullet/flame proof typical spartan sheild.

Since you haven't given background on New Sparta yet, what's the tech-level? Given their dress, and the fact that they still use swords, they don't strike me as modern. Spartan shields weren't bullet-proof, they were just a sheet of bronze over a layer of wood. It MAY stop an old flintlock pistol, but any kind of modern type of firearm would rip through it easy.

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Skills: Deimos is 'Blessed' with what her culture describes as 'the strength of the gods' superhuman strength granted to her by Zeus after she bathed in the sacred waters in the pool of Delphi. Deimos is incredibly strong and has a heightened sense, many of her fellow soldiers believe quite strongly that she could go toe to toe with a hydra.

As long as she isn't like, superman strong, this may not be that much of a problem. It just depends on how far you intend to take it. On the bright side, her strength won't matter as much in Felarya, since someone could just shoot her, or blast her with magic. Just don't make her strength TOO extreme.

It may also be good to keep in mind that Spartans were not really trained heavily as independant soldiers. They were expected to be part of the Phalanx. Sure, they were quite formidible fighters, but fighting alone would definately be out of their comfort-zones.

There could be some decent potential with this character, assuming she's handled right. I mean, the Spartans were facists. Raised to fight and die for the state, to hate weakness, hate deformity, hate what isn't spartan, etc. Getting tossed into a world, alone, without her comrades and with no way to get back to her home state would be pretty devastating. Tack onto that the dangerous creatures, the more advanced weapons, and the magic that are far more powerful than her sword and shield, and there is the potential for her to have a massive culture-shock, and realize that all her training doesn't necissarily mean a lot on Felarya.

Just depends how the character is handled. Spartans can be kind of hit or miss, since the "noble, honorable" idealized image of the Spartans has become so prevalent lately.

mmm I see what your saying....I loosely based the charactor on spartans and the culture loosely so some things are different from the real world version.

Finnaly properly finished ^^

Down to business.
You may want to change the name of this character, considering that Deimos is a male name.
Additionally; you say she was given her powers by Zeus. Well, that's weird, considering that she's too young for Zeus to be "interested" in her and that Zeus wasn't one of Sparta's patron deities.
It would make far, far more sense for her to be given her gift by Artemis a patron god of Sparta and/or or Ares who along with Artemis are linked with war and warriors.

Lastly, I really recommend that you make her older.
The reason for this is that while a young character with superhuman strength could be interesting, it's hard to do correctly. A kid with that kind of power isn't going to be all noble and heroic. They're going to do kid stuff. Getting what they want and playing.
On top of that she's a lone wolf. As anyone with military training can tell you, lone wolves do not belong in the military.
Spartan military training required soldiers to stand in formation, to obey orders unquestioningly.

Any commander would consider such a child a liability because they wouldn't follow orders if they didn't like them. Children aren't disciplined. Adults are.

This character would be seen as a dangerous loose cannon and possibly outcast.

Now to her tech and equipment.
Assuming she wasn't outcast or at least exempt from the military, she's got these super advanced weapons.

Now, this is the part where I think you have added on advanced tech as a solution to a problem. You want her weapons to be better than just the bronze that Spartans had, right?

Rather than give Spartans a coat of nanotech-paint, work with what you have.
For example, you could go with industrialised blessings.
That is; in order to make their weapons better, new spartans call on their gods.
This links back to spartan mythology. They would offer sacrifices to their gods for blessings.
Want a sword that never breaks? Have it blessed by the gods. Fireproof shield? Gods.
Just be sure to sacrifice the right animal.
(Their factory-temples work by the will of the gods!)

This is far More fitting with the spartan theme than nanotech.

With this, you can easily keep the spartan theme while having them be a bit better/more advanced than the original spartans.


As it stands currently, there is a great deal of dissonance between cultural and technological themes. It just doesn't make sense.

Or you could just do as I did and accept that your weapons don't match up well against some weapons.

rcs619 wrote:

Well, I can't say I've seen too many greek-inspired characters. So points for creativity there.

Well, the city of Torin itself and all my characters are all inspired by ancient Rome and Greece. Few people are familiar with Torin and my stories though. It's just the price of not being an attention hog.

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You may want to change the name of this character, considering that Deimos is a male name.

I am aware that Deimos is a male name, I simply chose it because it was interesting, I also feel having a girl with a guys name is a little different I like the name I Think I will keep it.

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Lastly, I really recommend that you make her older.

I made her seventeen now which makes her a more apropriate age.

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Rather than give Spartans a coat of nanotech-paint, work with what you have.
For example, you could go with industrialised blessings.

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It would make far, far more sense for her to be given her gift by Artemis or Ares, both of which are patron gods of Sparta and are linked with war and warriors.

I see what you mean her I have changed several aspects around these quotes however Athena has granted her the gift, as she is more closely linked to warfare than artemis.

Tesla wrote:

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It would make far, far more sense for her to be given her gift by Artemis or Ares, both of which are patron gods of Sparta and are linked with war and warriors.

I see what you mean her I have changed several aspects around these quotes however Athena has granted her the gift, as she is more closely linked to warfare than artemis.

Wait... Athena gifted a Spartan warrior with super strength?

The same Athena who was the patron goddess of Athenians?!?!

Black Aquila wrote:

Tesla wrote:

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It would make far, far more sense for her to be given her gift by Artemis or Ares, both of which are patron gods of Sparta and are linked with war and warriors.

I see what you mean her I have changed several aspects around these quotes however Athena has granted her the gift, as she is more closely linked to warfare than artemis.

Wait... Athena gifted a Spartan warrior with super strength?

The same Athena who was the patron goddess of Athenians?!?!

I know what your saying here but there are loads of olympian gods......besides my charactors homeworld does not follow exactly the same stuff as the real world and I don't suppose it matters realy which greek god blessed her.

Tesla, I'll be frank; you sound like you're making excuses when it comes to details. If you're using Spartans; use them.
Your error with Athena shows that you are not doing the research when it comes to this.
I strongly recommend that you do some research, as it will make your character far more interesting. Using a historical people like Spartans means that people will expect certain things. They will expect you to have a certain degree of accuracy.
If you don't you break the willing suspension of disbelief.

Anyway; I'm glad to see you took my advice and made her older. As for her name, I suppose that works. I wasn't sure if you were aware that it was a male name.

Tesla wrote:

Black Aquila wrote:

Wait... Athena gifted a Spartan warrior with super strength?

The same Athena who was the patron goddess of Athenians?!?!

I know what your saying here but there are loads of olympian gods......besides my charactors homeworld does not follow exactly the same stuff as the real world and I don't suppose it matters realy which greek god blessed her.

Bwah... za.... GAAAAAAHHHH!!!

NO!
Just... no.

Athena was tied into the very founding of Athens, the traditional military and ideological rivals of Sparta.
She embodied the more cerebral aspects of war, such as strategy and generalship as opposed to her brother Ares, the War God the Spartans actually worshiped, who stood for strength and savagery in battle.
The idea that Athena of all gods would bless a Spartan warrior is ridiculous!
You're better off just having Ares do it.

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I made her seventeen now which makes her a more apropriate age.

Could we please get one more year out of her, if she's really going to run around barechested? 17 is still technically considered underaged in a lot of places.

Also, the only way a Spartan warrior would be barechested in Felarya was if it got brought there while not at war, which raises the question as to why she still has he sword and shield. Spartans wore armor. Armor all over. They were walking tanks.



The above picture is much closer to what full Spartan battle attire looked like (Commanders had the hair fringe on their helmets running horizontally, to set them apart). The bare-chested, almost naked Spartans from 300 are not really that accurate.

Now, Spartans DID hang out in the nude before a battle. They would do excersizes, and style their hair with grease and beads. They were a bit vain, and liked to look good before going to war. But when that was done, they put on their armor.

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Athena was tied into the very founding of Athens, the traditional military and ideological rivals of Sparta.
She embodied the more cerebral aspects of war, such as strategy and generalship as opposed to her brother Ares, the War God the Spartans actually worshiped, who stood for strength and savagery in battle.

The idea that Athena of all gods would bless a Spartan warrior is ridiculous!
You're better off just having Ares do it.

Yeah, Ares really is the best choice. I suppose Zeus would be the second-best, since the Spartans considered themselves the descendants of Hercules. Although... If Zeus caught a young Spartan girl (Spartan girls were fabled to be the prettiest girls in ancient greece, thanks to their high physical fitness) naked in a spring, he's far more likely to seduce and/or rape her, than give her super-strength.

The problem I'm seeing here is the lack of research. When it comes to Spartans, people would go for Leonidas (300) or for Kratos (God of War).

You see, if you are going to adapt the Spartans to another setting, you better be sure of the basic knowledge on these people. Athens and Sparta were extreme opposites to each other, Spartans weren't the half-naked badasses popular culture tend to portrait them... well, I'm actually saying this because I agree with what AJ and rcs619 are saying.

It's not that the character is bad, but the background is pretty inaccurate. I hope the corrections and advices given in this thread are helpful.

Now, there could be a possible middle-ground to this.

If it is vital to your vision of the character, that she is walking around, in a toga, with her chest exposed... Then perhaps she got brought into Felarya while not at war?

Given the asexual nature of the New Spartan military, perhaps their society is a bit more like that as well. For example, perhaps it is perfectly acceptable for their women to walk around in togas (Im using the common, slung over one shoulder type of toga for this), which would leave one of their breasts exposed.

There is the possibility that a whiplash portal could have caught her, while she was practicing with her sword and shield in, or around, her home. That would explain why she has her weapons, but is dressed in casual-wear, not full combat gear.

Of course, you'd have to acknowledge this in your stories. Being away from her brothers and sisters in the military, and the state of Sparta (remember that Spartans were facists, for who the state was everything)...and being stuck in a dangerous wilderness with only her weapons and the clothes on her back, would be a very frightening experience, even for a Spartan. For once, she is forced to survive without her military brothers and sisters standing shoulder to shoulder with her, and without her suit of armor.

She would also have no food, no water, and no tools besides her sword and shield. She'd be forced to resort to the survival training she was taught back in military school.

Just throwing ideas at you. In the end, its your character, and your choice ^^

Tesla wrote:

Age: 17

Spartan training did not conclude until the age of 20.

Tesla wrote:

Weapons: On her left non sword arm she carries with her a bullet/flame proof typical spartan sheild. In her right hand she carries a short sword, made from steel and carved oak for the handle blessed by hephaestus a nearly unbreakable weapon. She also has a whip with a small knife attached to the end and the other end to her belt, that can fly out to at least 30 metres.

Where's her spear? The Spartan military revolved around use of the phalanx. The sword was simply a back up weapon in the case that the spear was knocked from the soldiers hand. As already has been said Spartan shields weren't bullet proof as they were simply made wood covered in bronze, and being nit picky Spartans never developed steel weaponry. They used bronze and iron.

Tesla wrote:

Skills: Deimos is 'Blessed' with what her culture describes as 'The strength of the gods' superhuman strength granted to her by Artemis after she bathed in the sacred waters in the pool of Delphi. Deimos is incredibly strong and has a heightened sense, many of her fellow soldiers believe quite strongly that she could go toe to toe with a hydra.

Delphi and Sparta are at two different ends of Greece, that aside the people of Delphi primarily worshiped Apollo, and the pools were also suppose to impart the ability to communicate with Apollo. Artemis is the goddess of the hunt, child birth, protector of girls below the age of marriage,the wilderness, and wildlife. There are two gods who primarily focus on strength Hercules and Cratus (also written Kratos).

Tesla wrote:

Personality: Deimos is something of a lone wolf, she doesn't like travelling/fighting with other people at her side as doesn't want people to be hurt trying to protect her or because of her mistake. In battle Deimos is a fierce and dependable warrior, her methods of attacks and the strategies she uses to beat her oppenants. Outside of battle she is sarcastic and fiercly independant, there are very few people whom she considers to be a friend.

Not fighting with others would be something that wouldn't be tolerated. The heart and soul of Spartan fighting was the phalanx which required every member to march in unison. To be frank there is no place for a lone wolf in spartan combat. Yes, each member needs to be able to fight individually, but that is not the plan during combat, they are suppose to fight in formation. There was a bond between the soldiers that was instilled into their training.

Tesla wrote:

Background: Deimos was born and raised in New Sparta, there is very little to say about her early life as the majority of it was spent training. It is known that when Deimos was not training she aquainted herself with the arts specificly the Lyre and painting. At some point in her life she bathed in the pool of Delphi where Artemis granted her the gift of strength saying that she would need it very soon. She once went toe to toe with the god of war and only won/survived due to Zeus's intervention.

As I have already said training takes place from the age of 7-20. Also they don't gain citizenship until they are 30, and at age 60 they may retire from the military. Thank you however for mentioning the arts. I would like to make this perfectly clear to everyone the Spartans were not just soldiers they did in-fact have culture outside of combat. The sentence about bathing in the pool of Delphi I covered already and from how it is written it sounds weak "at some point" is not a strong phrase. I would suggest that you remove the word won from the last sentence as well if you insist on including this.

Over all this needs some work. I see several problems in this that stem from a lack of research into the subject. I also am seeing that she has apparently gained the favor of two of the twelve Olympians. I am prompted to ask why. She is simply too young to have done anything remarkable enough to gain their attention as she would still be in training based on the education that spartan soldiers received. I'm not saying that she could not gain their favor, but I would like to hear an explanation as to why while keeping in mind each of the gods personalities.

Here, here, and here are links to some articles I suggest you read.

Black Aquila wrote:

Tesla wrote:

Black Aquila wrote:

Wait... Athena gifted a Spartan warrior with super strength?

The same Athena who was the patron goddess of Athenians?!?!

I know what your saying here but there are loads of olympian gods......besides my charactors homeworld does not follow exactly the same stuff as the real world and I don't suppose it matters realy which greek god blessed her.

Bwah... za.... GAAAAAAHHHH!!!

NO!
Just... no.

Athena was tied into the very founding of Athens, the traditional military and ideological rivals of Sparta.
She embodied the more cerebral aspects of war, such as strategy and generalship as opposed to her brother Ares, the War God the Spartans actually worshiped, who stood for strength and savagery in battle.
The idea that Athena of all gods would bless a Spartan warrior is ridiculous!
You're better off just having Ares do it.

Black Aquila before you go saying something is wrong please make sure that you are right first. The patron goddess of Sparta was Athena, this fact has been overshadowed however by the oversimplified version of Sparta where the Spartan people are simply a bunch of warriors. If you had done your research you would know that while there is 1 temple dedicated to Ares in Sparta, there are 10 dedicated to Athena, 6 to Zeus, and 5 to Aphrodite.

buddha66667 wrote:

Black Aquila before you go saying something is wrong please make sure that you are right first. The patron goddess of Sparta was Athena, this fact has been overshadowed however by the oversimplified version of Sparta where the Spartan people are simply a bunch of warriors. If you had done your research you would know that while there is 1 temple dedicated to Ares in Sparta, there are 10 dedicated to Athena, 6 to Zeus, and 5 to Aphrodite.

Ah, I apologize for my arrogance and ignorance.

I think I'll just make a simpler charactor ^^

I don't think it's hard to make this character work. The adjustments that have been suggested to improve Deimos are pretty small. If you don't agree, then just disregard them and move forward with your story. No need to scrap the character.

Not necessarily less complicated, just a little more... accurate. And maybe older.

Tesla wrote:

I think I'll just make a simpler charactor ^^

Tesla, I'm disappointed to see that you deleted this bio as opposed to attempting to make it work. Truly the only only problems with the bio were your characters young age and a lack of research on the subject. If you spent some time reading over Spartan culture and looked through the major 12 major Greek gods I don't believe it would have been too difficult to have revised this.

Also Telsa, character creation isn't suppose to be simple. There are a large number of traits that need to be presented in a character to make them interesting to read about. If you find making a character to be easy then I must say that you probably did it wrong.

I second Buddha's comments. As much as I want to see these characters and ideas be worked out, I'm not going to twist your arm to make it happen.