PURE WATER, the black death, two factions good Idea?

I had this idea for a while now, though I dont know if it fits in the idea or new ideas section, as im not looking to get it inthe wiki, I just want some feedback
If anyone wants to tell me, I'll move to the new ideas if I have to, if not then I'll post it here in a comment.

Why don't you just post it so we can see what it is?

Makes it a lot easier for us to give feedback.

PURE WATER
The city lay in ruin, as the few survivors pushed their way through the enemy defenses, so many people were turned, at this point they outnumbered the tunnel-dwellers by thousands.
Somewhere in the mist, a lone human and his friend picked their way into a large Iron door, a sing post above it read ARMORY
They weren't going to lay down and die, they were going to fight back until they die.
A group of survivors from a underground civilization, One day a great plague from another world passed through a rift in dimensions, and was manifested into a terrible being due to Felarya's unstable nature.
They aim to rid the now-dubbed "Black death" from the world, using all means possible
PURE WATER openly recruits any being willing to fight, as the black death is slowly claiming the outside world,
Fairies, nagas, humans, nekos, elves, anyone willing to get their hands dirty to save their homes are welcome.
The main leader Is Richard Urist, and his best friend (and lead Mage) is John Vatican.
The group is in shambles, however, and their equipment isn't the best, importing guns and swords from any source they can find.
As they are desperate for funds, they also have a separate paramilitary division located in Negav. They also have a small outposts located around the quarantine zone.
(I'll get more detailed if it gets a good feedback)
BLACK DEATH
Pain and death pain and death pain and death pain and death
The same message was repeated into the mans mind, slowly but surely, the darkness grew around him.
Then suddenly, he was dead, but no...His soul wasn't allowed to leave. He felt something force him to turn to his family, his loved ones.
He raised his gun
A terrible Plague that affected a long-dead world, the black death has manifested into a frightening supernatural form.
The plague itself was manifested into a towering, 200ft tall being called the Overseer
Then its tendrils shot out, and started to collect its hosts.
The woman tried to run, she ran as fast as she can, but the tentacle caught up to her.
She found herself being slowly swallowed from the legs upwards, and she screamed in a futile cry of help before her world faded into darkness
Pain and death pain and death pain and death.
Any creature who succumbs to the Black death becomes "turned"
They lose all will of their body, and are protected through a armor made of the Black deaths skin.
There is no hope fore the turned, they can not go to Heaven or Hell because of the "armor" keeping their soul in,
If they try to fight back against the madness, they're eaten by the Overseer
The turned have the ability to appear normal, but when in danger they reveal they're true, horrible form.
The adventurer heard crying, as he rounded the corner he ran into a beautiful woman laying on the floor,
when he approached, the body became a horrible creature, and he found himself being pulled towards it at a alarming rate
" I'm sorry" a pained female voice said, and then Darkness
Pain and death pain and death pain and death
(yet agian, I'll get mroe detailed later )

Well, for the time being, Hat, Pure Water sounds just like a generic brotherhood in arms that recruits people to fight against a supernatural threat. Well, the genericness won't hurt you for now, as we don't really have any- unless you count the Cult of Oth, but even that one has some moral ambiguity to it.

Black Death's a bit grayer, though. I don't know where does this thing for the souls come from for you, but it sounds to me like you're making undead. And we're trying not to make undead in Felarya, much less diseases. If they're just cursed, I'd recommend you to make it a bit more evident.

Stabs wrote:

Well, for the time being, Hat, Pure Water sounds just like a generic brotherhood in arms that recruits people to fight against a supernatural threat. Well, the genericness won't hurt you for now, as we don't really have any- unless you count the Cult of Oth, but even that one has some moral ambiguity to it.

Black Death's a bit grayer, though. I don't know where does this thing for the souls come from for you, but it sounds to me like you're making undead. And we're trying not to make undead in Felarya, much less diseases. If they're just cursed, I'd recommend you to make it a bit more evident.

yeah, I noticed a bit late,
I didnt have that much time to think on it, kinda busy with work.
Thanks for the feedback, I need to refine this a lot.