Tour!

Well, this is my new story! I know the prologue is a bit underwhelming, but... I guess I need practice. Here goes.


-----
Tour!
-----

Travelers are a by no means a rare sight in the ancient city of Ur Sagol. The Great Interdimensional Gate brings them there often, usually by will, sometimes by accident. The party that now stepped through the shimmering ring was a little bit of both.

It was a large group, compared to the usual, consisting of about twenty individuals. There were a large number of species among them, too- there were a few humans, two “giants” standing at about 20 feet each, three odd-looking insectoid beasts, a rabbit-man packing stereo equipment, a globular mound of goo, and a few bird-like men. All those that were even vaguely humanoid wore a dark grey military-like uniform, bearing the word “Rhea” on the chest.
Each stepped out into the mid-day sunlight from wherever they came from confident and strong… however, as each looked about, their faces grew confused, then worried. When the group was fully out of the portal, they stood, looking at each other, for about a solid minute, before one last figure appeared from the ring.

This one was certainly human, but… there was something “off” about him. He exuded a feeling of heaviness, with thick clothing and a wide, tall body. Grooved gauntlets hid his forearms and hands, heavy boots covered his lower legs, and some odd drapery hid his neck. All the flesh one could see on him was a smoke-grey face, which showed neither age nor youth, and was growing a short shock of darker grey hair. The man, in short, looked unnatural. Unnatural and visibly upset.

“What in the world…?”

“Sir!” said the little rabbit-man. “I think we’ve been sent to the wrong place!” He had already passed from confusion to panic, apparently.

“You don’t say?” said the large human, condescendingly. He looked up to one of the giants, who had sat down and was now looking at the ruined, twisted landscape of crumbling buildings ahead. “You have the anomaly detection equipment, Macre. What happened?”

The large humanoid startled out of his trance. “Oh, uh, yeah! Give me a sec.” He placed the huge pack of machinery from his back onto the ground in front of him. Numbers and pictures swarmed the screen projection almost as soon as he started it, all green or purple. “This is weird. There are plenty of anomalies, but the destination codes seem fine. We should be in Ur Sagol.”

“Oh?” The man seemed to be even more greatly agitated. “That is odd.”

One of the human party members, a woman, spoke up. “But the Old One said that it would be a thriving community. Maybe we put in the wrong-“

“No.” The other giant, also a woman, interrupted her. “Look around. It may be in ruins, but there certainly used to be a city here.”

The group spread out a little, looking around. The grey-faced man in charge, meanwhile, considered the giantess’ words. He had personally asked the Old One about Felarya before he had even begun to plan the trip there. He, or rather it, had told him that Felarya was a beautiful place filled with wonders and dangers, and that the crowning jewel of the whole world, the human city of Ur Sagol, conveniently had a powerful interdimentsional portal within its own walls. After hearing that, he had utterly forgotten to ask the vital question, ‘when was your last visit?’ That was, he now realized, a fatal mistake.

The group spread out farther from the portal. It wouldn’t do much good to go back, now. They might as well press on and confirm whether or not this was, in fact, their destination. The order was to stay within 40 feet of each other at all times, of course, and they stuck to that part of it.

A bird-man went up up to the grey-faced man. “Lord Zan, what do you think? What is this place?”

Zan looked at the man and quietly said, “I made a mistake, I think. We’re in Ur Sagol, as it is now. We expected it to be as it was in the ancient past. I suppose we should’ve sent an investigation team in first.”

The bird-man’s eyes widened. “So… this is it?”

“In all probability, yes.”

A scream rang out from about 100 yards ahead of the two.

-

Things went... downhill from there. In two days, Zan would find himself starting from scratch in Felarya, bereft of the support of his empire and men. Still, his goal was one which he wouldn’t give up on; he would press on.

-----

Well, I could use some feedback, since I'm kind of new to writing. Comments?

I found it to be an enjoyable story to read. A little more practice and I think you'll make a good writer. As for improvement, well... I am not the best at giving feed back on others writings, but I think you should do a little more work on the ending. Rather then giving a synopsis actually tell a little bit about what happened other then just saying, "this person was eaten by that" or "so and so was mauled to death by such and such". Again like I said I'm not normally the best at giving feedback on stories. So take what I say with at least two grains of salt rather then just the one.

I like the conditions in which they were bought to Felarya. It looks good so far.