Ivan's deillema

Right now I'm still working out some kinks but here is the most current draft.


A lesson taught in a stomach?
by ~Komandr2465

Ivan led his squad through deep Naga territory. Ivan was always on guard and gripped his rail rifle firmly. Behind him the Naga Ameril, a close friend to say the least, stopped dead.

"I smell a Naga," She said quietly,"no several."
Ivan froze with fear, His squad had taken down Naga before, but never more than one at a time.

"Where are they can you see?" Ivan whispered to her.

Ameril stretched out her body her beautiful stomach showed under her 4th Guards coat. Ivan wondered if a human had ever spent their last moments dissolving, screaming for a death that couldn't come soon enough. He was snapped back to reality when Ameril spoke,"There are bout five child Naga crying over in a corner. I think they are under attack.

"By what?" Ivan relaxed, baby Naga were usually less aggressive than their older counterparts.

Ivan's question was answered by the characteristic rattle of automatic weapons fire. The perpetrators were Humans likely trying to get some Naga skin which apparently sells for a high price.

Ivan's squad moved up Nikolai and Ameril stayed back to watch for other dangers after all a Giant Naga would look at such a scene and see dinner.

One last Naga was clinging to her butchered sister. The three Humans closed on her with rifles in hand. The last Naga whimpered and looked in Ivan's direction, she must have smelt him.

Ivan saw the sadness in her eyes. He then took two steps our of cover blocking the Humans shot at the Naga child.

"What the hell you doin?!" one of them grunted.

Ivan spoke without emotion, in the poise of a true arbiter,"You two have murdered four people and were about to make it five."

The little Naga hatch-ling slithered around his boot trembling. "Aww how cute, the little wallet thinks that this human will protect her."

"Thinks?" Ivan raised an eyebrow.

"Aww what the hell guys lets just shoot this prick!" The three readied their rifles.

A trio of pops was heard and each of the men fell screaming to the ground blood leaking from their hands. Kosov was something of a marksman.

"The fuck is this?!" the man screamed in both pain and anger.

My friend was leveling the field,"If you want to kill a Naga you'll have your chance in a moment." Ivan gestured to the brush.

Ameril slithered out slowly letting the three men gaze on her towering form. She smiled licking her lips.

"But, why? Why would you save this Naga over three of your own?" One of the hunters stuttered.

Ivan let a look of obvious anger cross over his face,"My own you say? No if you were like me you would never do this to a fellow being, let alone a child."

"These things that you seem so fond of are monsters, nothing more! They aren't people and deserve only to be exterminated!" This was the one Ivan guessed was the leader.

Ivan approached the man in a fit of anger, but his tone was icy cold,"On my home, a hundred years before I was born, a group of people began to think of another group of people as inferior. The other humans simply ignored the problem, my home country even went so far to ally itself with those scum." He paused to let the weight of his words sink in,"Only later when my people realized how big of a threat they were did we attack."

Ivan paused as the tiny Naga had climbed his coat and curled up on his head."Over the next several years sixty million people lost their lives, it was the greatest war my kind had ever fought."

"When the camps were found it was discovered that these 'inferiors' were being forced into small chambers and being gassed. So you will die like one of those in my history, slowly in a confined space, screaming to be let free only to be killed in a slow painful way."

"Wait you don't mean..."

But Ivan turned away and Ameril swallowed the man whole. Kosov then turned and shot the two others in the head.

The squad regrouped and sat quietly in the grass, eating various things. Ivan took a small slice of fruit and held it above his head. The tiny Naga eagerly gulped it down and then coiled around Ivan's arm.

Ivan looked at Ameril, then her bulging gut. He wasn't sure what he felt about that. Sensing his discern Ameril began to slither away. "Whoa don't leave!"

Ivan then addressed her bulging abdomen, "What do you think?"

The human answered, "It's excruciatingly painful, but that's not what worries me. I need to know, did Humans really do what you said?"

Ivan frowned,"Sadly, yes."

"Oh god, and you think I'm like that?" The voice was pained both physically and emotionally."I know it's no good but, I want to say I'm sorry!"

This caught Ivan way off guard he stopped for a moment, unsure. Eventually he said softly, "I know you are, but it wont save you."

"It's okay you know, I'm fine with it. I will die a better man then I lived." The tone was still pained but deep in it Ivan heard a trace of happiness.

The squad just sat there in silence. Ivan looked on as the bulge decreased in size. Not once during which had the man let out a whimper.

The group moved on to a small cave where they sat. Ameril slithered around Ivan, and he rested his head on her belly. A bad man was killed in there, but in his last moments he realized the error of his ways and died in peace all while displaying a tremendous resilience.

That was quite sweet and unexpected actually! Being trapped in a stomach is always depicted as being a place for frantic struggle, cursing and grief. To have the man actually genuinely repent, not from trying to save his own skin, but for peace of mind was quite touching. Nice job!

Thank you, I was also considering Ivan to become something of a father figure to the baby Naga.

I had a lot of trouble reading this, for various reasons. The dialog was pretty wooden, the characters had virtually no fleshing-out, and while the spelling was fine, the grammar made it amazingly difficult to read. Also... it was kind of anvil-tastic with its message and actions, a straight-up "Nazis are evil, and this character is against them" kind of thing. Also, if you're going to nod towards Earth's history to that ridiculous extent, you are much better off just mentioning them by name.

You did not describe any of the characters, at all. You didn't paint a picture with words, you... well, I don't entirely know how to describe it. This story somehow managed to be cluttered and barren at the same time, and had what I, personally, would consider to be a truly disgusting lack of subtlety. Everything was clear black-and-white in terms of morals, the characters weren't organic, it was very short, and nothing was explained or described in any way.

As for improvements, I would suggest just being more vivid and less blatant. That is, if you want to put a moral in a story, remember to not be that forward with it, build it up a little. Describe events and characters. I'm not saying you need to use a bunch of adverbs and adjectives, just don't let your words just lie there like this. Everyone needs practice, just keep working at it.

Very blunt but filled with good advice, Ill take a look at fixing up some things, this was only a draft after all