Blue comedy quotes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
Jeff: Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]
Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
[pause]
Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd know that already. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]
Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ron White: Some states are trying to abolish the death penalty... my states puttin in an express lane.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: Get alode of this -
[Ron is asleep in a waffle house]
Jeff: You know you're a redneck if youve ever slept in a waffle house.
[writes it down]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour, you might be a redneck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ron White: Yesterday I'm sitting in a bean bag chair, naked and eating Cheetos.
[pauses while audience cracks up]
Ron White: I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televanglist from Dallas, and he said this: He said, 'Are you lonely?'
[Ron shrugs]
Ron White: ...Yeah. He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"
[Ron takes drink of scotch]
Ron White: This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos!"
Ron White: [Ron dead stops, face frozen] *Yes, sir!* "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry The Cable Guy: Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
Jeff: This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
[starts to cry]
Jeff: I'm so proud!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: If you think N'Sync is where your dirty dishes are, you might be a redneck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: If you missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty, you might be a redneck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
Bill: [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
Jeff: [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
[high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ron White: So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight. Couldn't make it with that equipment. He came over the intercom and said "Hey, we're losing oil pressure in one of the engines," which I couldn't understand why he did, because he could have just turned around and said, "Hey, we're losing oil pressure." *"heard'ja"* Everyone else started freaking out, but I had been drinking since lunchtime, so I was like "Take it down! I don't care! Make sure y you hit something hard, 'cause I don't want to limp away from this!" The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to "live for". He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour! We're haulin' ass!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[finishing off "Here's Your Sign"]
Bill: But the best one... The best one I've seen yet happened in Los Angeles, California. I got stuck behind a big rig that wedged his trailer up underneath an overpass and me and the trucker are waiting on the side of the road on the tow truck driver. Well, the highway patrolman pulls up and looks at the guy's rig and he looks at the trucker and I'm thinking, "Oh, Dear God, he can't say it," 'cause I'll start laughing. Sure enough, he goes, "You get your truck stuck?" And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope. I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas. Here's your sign."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ron White: [On DeBeer's diamond slogans] The new slogan now is "Diamonds: Render her speechless." Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds: That'll shut her up... for a minute."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill: [while the guys are all getting individual spa treatments] Larry remember, when you have to go to the bathroom, get out of the tub!
Larry The Cable Guy: [Farts] Too late!
[Bill laughs]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
Bill: [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
Jeff: Why, did that happen to you?
Bill: No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: Let me guess, one of your relatives.
Bill: My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
[cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
Jeff: Mama sure looks good, don't she?
[Ron joins him]
Ron White: That ain't Mama.
[Larry joins them]
Larry The Cable Guy: No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
[Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
Larry The Cable Guy: Forgot my beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: If you ever used a barstool for a walker...
[Everyone looks at Ron, who slowly raises his hand]
Jeff: You might be a redneck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: [telling a redneck joke on Bill] If you ever emptied the bed of your truck by backing up real fast and slamming on the brakes...
Bill: [Raises his hand] That's how we moved!
Jeff: You might be a redneck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: If you wear a dress that's strapless with a bra that isn't, you might be-
[Ron points to Larry, who has raised his hand, his head hung in embarrassment]
Jeff: Try to envision that when you fall asleep tonight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soda Vendor: So, who's the actor in this group?
Ron White: Oh, there are no actors. Believe me, this is an actor-free enviorment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill: [about trying to quit smoking] I tried everything. I tried the gum, I couldn't keep it lit... I tried the patches, they pulled the skin off my lips... Finally my wife goes "Why don't you try acupuncture?" and I go "Woah woah woah woah!" I go "is that where they screw those little needles into ya" she goes "Yeah" and I go "Why don't you try waking up? I'm not gonna let somebody screw little needles into me" she goes "Bill it's your last option". So we found this lady, her name was Dr. Chang. I had one question for Dr. Chang, anybody know what that question would have been?
[Audience]
Bill: Does it hurt.
Bill: Does it hurt. She goes:
[Chinese accent]
Bill: "Oh no. It no huurt." From a door 3 feet away from me I hear a grown man go "OW OW!" And I go "What was that?" and she goes "Oh, he big baby!" I said "weil I'm a big baby!" So the next thing I know I'm lying on this bed in my underwear, she has screwed a needle into the top of my head, three in each earlobe, one in each pec, one in each of my shins and three between each of my toes. And I'm lying on that bed thinking "Dear God I could use a cigarette right now!" And I can hear her and her partner talking in Chinese, but I don't speak Chinese. And then they start laughing and I'm like "Oh my god! They're filming this!" So she comes in at the half-hour mark. I think she's gonna take the needles out... *No.* She puts a cotton ball on each of the ones in my legs, lights it on fire and *leaves the room!* Well now I'm freakin' out, man, because all I can see is smoke drifting up from between my legs, and I cannot inhale it, Okey-dokey? Finally at the hour mark she comes in, she takes the needles out and goes
[Chinese accemt]
Bill: You come back tomorrow for another treatment. I said "Well let's just book that right now! Hey after that I'll schedule a prostate exam, just be a big ol' day for me!" So I put my ball cap on, I'm gonna go home and take a shower 'cause I've sweated through this whole ordeal. I get home, I'm standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror and I took my cap off and I went "Ow ow!" *SHE LEFT THE NEEDLE IN MY HEAD!*
Bill: [extended version] I swear to God. And I am freakin' out, man because I look like Cindy Lou Who with that little antenna that comes out of her head. And I don't know if there's like an Oriental way I've gotta pull it out and if I do it wrong my whole body's gonna go oh-gah-ooohruhruh... So I called her and I go "Dr. Chang you left the needle in my head!" and she goes
[Chinese Accent]
Bill: Oh don't be big baby, just pull it out!"