The story of Geeran (Ideas discussion)

Basically I'm trying to decide what to do with Geeran at the moment, this will be my first attemt at writing a full story, and I would like to get any ideas from the crowd about any suggested direction before I plug into it blindly.

Geeran's profile

dont use the Geeran from the chatbox rps, and try to explane his past a bit more

So, no further chatbox RPs to confuse people, and elaborate on origins?

Got it.

Darkstorm Zero wrote:

So, no further chatbox RPs to confuse people, and elaborate on origins?

you can still use him in chat box rps but just stick to the original one
in your storys

Ah, yes... well, the chatbox version was just me kidding around

I suppose the next step would be to ask permission for the use of various characters for the later chapters of the story...

Obviously Karbo's permission is a must, but Zoekin and French Snack's characters I would also like to use...

Hmm... Looks like I need to wait till I get a new laptop before I can even start this off...

Still, I'm starting to compile a list of other peoples characters I will be using...

Intermission:
Exerpt from the thoughts of Lucien – “... Within the walls of the village of metal and machines... a demon will be born in the fires of dark tragedy and loss... A boy with a mind of both machine and nature with a strong sense of justice will be corrupted by an all too common occurance in this realm... all he ever loved will be consumed... and his heart with it... sense of justice with turn the torch of righteous fury into the hellfire of vengeance,... all he needed was a nudge in the right direction... instead, he will be thrown into the direction of my choosing... and soon, his heart will succumb to the need for vengeance... with my aid, he will become powerful enough to lure those who seek to obstruct my path from their posts... and I will reclaim what I lost so long ago.....

Still... there is something familiar about that boy.... I swear I can sense something familiar within his heart.... I do not yet know why, or what it means... but my heart tells me I must watch him and be mindful... This boy may yet prove to be something more than a mere human...”

fell free to use any of mine

10 years ago.

The small mining village of Kryton, nestled on the northeastern border of the Dridder Forest south of Negav. Nestled near the foot of the Ascariln Mountains, lies this home of an advanced technological group of humans. They mine precious metals from beneath the mountains for use in construction in various machines, but also to trade with nearby beings. Surprisingly, not all of their customers are human, or human sized beings, as many of the larger or smaller beings also covet the use of the ore mined in Kryton. Felaryan Metals are coveted by many, proving that metal is a valuable commodity, even Dridders desire it's use for making their weapons and armour, and trade silks and their protection for it. This made Kryton an excellent trading hub for the area, but also a lure for prey seeking the relative safety of the village. The place itself is well defended, equipped with turret weapons, many armed soldiers and vehicles, and the seemingly unbreakable Light wave energy shield dome.

Geeran Holden was a mere child by the age of 10, and right now, he was enjoying hunting in the nearby forest, seeking animal meat that Felarya seemingly gave in endless supply. The hunters ever wary of predators, held a time honoured tradition of instructing the young on the many tasks they will undertake throughout their lives, and Felarya's ever-present dangers where one of these. Geeran himself held little love for hunting, but he did learn all he could about survival out in the wild, this much he knew he needed to know. However, Geeran's true talent and passion lie in the design, construction, and use of vehicles and robotics.

Today, he was out hunting with his father, eldest brother, and five of the village's most experienced men and women, learning the skills of his people in a harsh and savage land.

"Well done little bro! You got that one like a champ!" Marcus said, hoisting the boys kill by it's hooves with his hands.

Marcus was his eldest brother. Geeran admired his brother, and felt embarrassed at his praise.

"Indeed, well done son... you have earned our family's dinner tonight." said Roth, Geerans father, as he ruffled Geerans hair.

"Ah, Dad!" Geeran whined a little trying to readjust his hair and keep his growing embarrassment from showing... "Yours was the shot that brought it down dad...,” he quickly added, pointing at the finely crafted arrow shaft protruding from the animal's chest.

"But it was yours that stunned it son, don't be so modest" Roth said with a warm smile.

"Alright, we have enough, the forest has provided us with a feast, and we cannot be greedy. Let’s go back home" the father told the group, five of the group where carrying their catches, indeed, this was more than enough food.

Geeran quickly input the co-ordinates of the village into his wearable wrist computer, and the group made the hour-long trek back to their home.

1 hour later.

As the hunting group returned home, finally feeling their tensions relax upon entering the defence grid of the village. Today had been fortunate for them, no predator encounters, and they all silently praised the guardians for such fortunes. Even for the inhabitants of a trading hub like Kryton, Felarya was a most dangerous place, for there are many predators that care not for such things.

Geeran quickly ran for home, anxious to greet his mother again, and his other siblings, while Roth and Marcus prepared their catch for cooking.

"Mother! We're home" Geeran cheered happily, and was embraced immediately by his youngest sister Maya, the only member of the family younger than he was.

"Geeran! You came back! I was worried a monster had gobbled you up!" piped Maya, nuzzling her brother’s chest affectionately.

Geeran smiled a little and said "Nope, I'm ok sis... all parts accounted for, and we brought back dinner."

"Really? You are a good hunter after all Geeran! And you said you didn't like it" Maya reminded him.

Geeran's smile faded a little, and chose his response carefully. "I... I don't... but that doesn't mean I can't do it..."

"Well, I'm glad you can, I'd hate to live on those ration thingies from the machines... they taste... yucky..." Maya said, sticking her tongue out. "But the fruit and vegetables from the fields are nice though. I like the sweet ones best."

“Well you should be eating all we can give you Maya, so you can grow up big and strong eh?” Geeran teased a little, noogieing Mayas head a little while smirking.

“Ow! Hey!” Maya whined elbowing Geeran in the ribs a little.

Geeran simply laughed and walked into the kitchen to greet his mother.

Krysta greeted her son warmly with a hug. “Geeran, welcome home, how was your first hunt?” she asked.

Geeran sighed, exasperated a little and said “it was fine mom, although I don’t enjoy killing, I did get my first successful kill today, although I still think Dad got the kill shot...”

Krysta frowned at her sons words, Geeran was a shy boy, but very capable with technology, weapons, and even piloting various small machines. Yet he just said he does not like killing.

Geeran could see the look on his mother’s face, and somehow knew what troubled her.

“Mother... I simply don’t agree with killing defenceless animals when we have other means to live... it just seems so cruel...” Geeran explained.

Krysta smiled a warm, but sad smile. Geerans heart was true and just, but naiveté in this world was punished harshly... and the food chain cannot be broken by any normal means. Geeran would have to face these realities soon...

“Geeran, I know how you feel, and your heart is true to your sense of justice and fairness... but before justice and righteousness, there is survival, for only the living can claim to pursue such noble goals, and Geeran...” Krysta leaned down to look her son in the eye.

“Sometimes, to survive, one must sacrifice the lives of others to continue living... it is a sad, harsh truth of mortality...”

Geeran looked at his mother, then at the ground, trying to process this... it wasn’t a fair thing at all... he swore to himself that he would change that endless cycle of ‘survival of the fittest’ methodology if he could, there were other ways now, such a primitive way of existing didn’t have to continue any longer, even here in Felarya did it?

Disturbed by this train of thought, shook his head, and sat down at the dinner table to wait for his father and brother to finish preparing their dinner for cooking.

After Dinner; later dusk

Geeran sat in front of his workbench working on a small remote droid, a toy for Maya, even though she had just tried to steal his best soldering tool. Nevertheless, that was all right, she just wanted attention, and he was happy to give her some.

The workbench was set out a little ways from the village interior, as he liked the outdoors, the stars, and the trees calmed his soul a little, as he worked. Assembling little machines, droids, weapons, appliances, gadgets and other equipment. Geeran loved to create things, make life easier, he developed weaponry only as a means of self defence... he loathed the idea of killing for any reason other than to protect lives.
Suddenly, a loud whine and bright purple flashes emerged from the village’s main power plant... then...

The entire structure detonated in a bright white, blue and purple flash! The ground quaked fiercely, knocking Geeran to the ground, along with most of his tools and parts.

Almost immediately, the large turrets went dead, as did the energy shield projectors... Kayton’s protective umbrella fell in mere moments. Moreover, within minutes, trouble was upon them.

A vast number of hungry predators swooped into the village, taking full advantage of the now virtually defenceless village. Dridders, Harpies, Mantids and more... it all happened so fast that Geeran thought every predator in the entire Ascarlin region was simply waiting for this moment... this chance... to claim their prize.

Geeran quickly rose to his feet and took shelter in the foxhole that had recently been dug out and secured. It house a powerful long range fusion cannon as a manual fixed weapon, and it was battery powered, but Geeran was too young and too weak to operate the heavy weapon, and instead relied on the small bunkers sturdy construction to protect him from the giant predators now swooping on the near defenceless villagers.

As Geeran watched, he could see the predators very quickly consuming the scattering civilians, grabbing and gulping them down by the handful, the giant monsters tore into houses and buildings for more.

A brave few soldiers mounted attacks, and weapons fire screamed between the predators in dazzling flashes of light and sound, but most proved useless against the armour many of the ground bound predators wore. Armour probably made from the same ore that was mined from Kryton itself, ironically. Still some weapons got lucky hits, causing glancing blows on flesh rather than metal, but even these hits did little more than cause the wounded great rage and invigorated their assault.

A few soldiers had slid into the bunker behind Geeran as he watched the events unfold with utter terror gripping his heart, these soldiers screaming into their comlinks trying to obtain orders and organize a resistance. Geeran could not hear them though... his mind focused on something more unreal...

Amidst all of this, Geeran spotted a single lone man, dressed in black cloaks and hood, obscuring his face in the darkness, walking around the battlefield apparently oblivious to the extreme danger he was in. The man striding with confidence between the various predators, sometimes between their legs, and slipping between the blasts of the weapons fire from the humans with an obliviousness that transcended mere arrogance.

Geeran watched astonished as the incredibly lucky cloaked figure strode towards the edge of the village, when he seemingly stopped, and starred straight at Geeran... the complete darkness of the face shrouded by the hood seemed to draw his gaze. Then, Geeran saw something that froze his blood, a pair of deep purple lights appeared in the darkness of the hood, his eyes! They bored holes into the deepest recesses of Geeran’s mind. He could see things, hear things... all his senses came alive at that one instant. He could see everything around the village... he could see the deaths of every single one as though he was standing right there... these monsters where slaughtering his people to a man, and he was a very unwilling witness.

These beasts where swiping people off the ground, ripping open homes and plucking people out, and ripping open vehicles, slurping, sloshing, gulping down helpless humans by the handful as the predators gorged themselves on a rare feast of flesh. Soon patting bloated and full bellies with hand or wing or claw, pleased and satisfied with themselves.

Soon, the horror show faded from Geeran’s eyes and his vision returned to normal, the man’s glowing eyes turned to face a new direction... With a point of his finger, Geeran’s gaze was drawn to look. And what he saw brought new fear into his heart.

A large Dridder was assaulting his home. The Giant spider woman had already plunged her hand into the structure, and was in the process of withdrawing it holding the last known occupant of the home, Maya.

“MAYA, NO!” Geeran shouted, instinctively junging to exit the foxhole, but the fast reflexs of the soldiers proved to be superior, they grabbed the child before he could scramble out of the hole and get himself killed. Geeran was pinned against the porthole, watching with horrified awe as the massive spider lady lifted his sister to her mouth. The Dridders lips parted and slowly licked and slurped the frightened girls legs into her mouth, and for a moment, Geeran thought he could hear Maya’s frantic screams. The Dridder ‘s lips encircled Maya’s torso and arms as she slowly slurped the girl into her mouth to savour her.

Geerans eyes widened, his entire world turned blue to his eyes as Maya’s form slowly disappeared into the fleshy abyss. As soon as Maya’s face disappeared between the Dridders lips, the Spider woman started sloshing her around, mixing her with the build up saliva, soaking her tastebuds in the girls flavour. In a few moments of self gratification, the Dridder moved Maya to the back of her throat and swallowed deeply.

Geeran’s vision turned grey, he saw the squirming lump that was Maya move down the Dridders neck into her chest... and with it, Maya’s muffled screams ceased... Geeran’s face became one of utter horror... “MAYAAAAA!!!”

The soldiers let Geeran go now, becoming distracted by their own priorities for organising extraction. As soon as Geeran was loose, his face twisted into a mask of rage and pain that defied being human, his eyes bekame slits... his pupils became long and narrow, like a cat or reptile... and his canines became long and sharp... His little body spun around, and he grabbed the weapon of the soldier right beside him, a large beam rifle with an expansion slot. Geeran yanked the weapon and the power cables from the mounted turret with a speed and strength beyond his years..., sliding the feeder plugs into the rifles expander. He took quick aim before the soldier could react, and fired.

The streaking beam of bright blue light soared true, as the Dridder who comsumed his sister raised another person to her mouth, the beam struck home, hitting her right cheek with a surpise and unexpected blow. Her cheek sizzled and bubbled furiously, and smoke rose from the wound immediately as she screamed clutching her face desperately at the searing pain, collapsing to the ground howling, dropping her prize in the process.

Two other dridders quickly approached their fallen bretheren, concerned for her safety, they picked her up from the ground, her trambling legs barely supporting her weight, her shaking hands covering her face as she sobbed and grunted with the burning pain. The others tried to get her hands away from her wound, to see if they could help her, but gasped when she moved her hands away... her cheek was burned black and red, the skin chared and blistered badly... there was no way such a wound was not going to scar permanently.

The tears in her eyess stung her face, but seeing through the blur of pain, she saw where the shot had come from... a small boy holding one of those blasted energy weapons... his face twisted and consumed with rage. “It... was him!” she pointed at Geeran, who dropped the now melted rifle to the ground as the soldier grabbed him and retreated to a large APC that had pulled up behind the foxhole to retrieve them. Geeran was thrown hastily into the vehicle, and placed in a seat inside the vehicle filled with five other people, mostly soldiers. The hatch closed as the vehicle swiftly moved into the northern jungles, retreating form the lost battle.

Just before they where out of sight, the occupants of the vehicle could see the massive tanks roll into the village from the outpost, but it was far too late, the damage was done... Their cannons pounding away at the giant predators echoed into the distance, echoing into the minds of the survivors of the battle. and the remaining creatures finally fled the sight of carnage.

Chaper End

My first ever chapter... I hope I did well enough... What do you guys think?

Darkstorm Zero wrote:

My first ever chapter... I hope I did well enough... What do you guys think?

Not bad at all! Nice start.

Thanks Snack, coming from you, thats a real compliment. I should be getting into it more fully once I get my laptop

keep up the good work

Well this is a nice start I think. You set up the situation and went right into the action

I liked the story. It was a good starting point.

I did have a few issues. Keep in mind, you may have answers to these later on in the tale, but at first glance, they are what popped up while I read. Ignore them if they’ll be explained later.

The biggest problem I have is that it seems like the humans should have had a plan in place in case the shield/defenses failed. You have one shield and one power plant, and if either of those goes, you are doomed. Had no one thought about this? You mention they have advanced technology and there were many armed soldiers present, which implies military involvement (or at least training). Yet their defenses are tied to a single power plant, which means if it goes, everything else goes as well. That is a recipe for disaster. I find it hard to believe they would have made such a mistake. Was there a reason for this?

They actively went on hunts so they had to have experience dealing with giant predators. However, from the description, it sure did not seem like an experienced operation once their defenses fell. It read more like foxes being turned loose in a chicken coop. A 10-year old boy did more damage than all the soldiers combined, why is that? Were they all dolts with bad aim? Or just really unlucky? Had none of the humans ever seen the dridders wearing armor before? They seemed incredibly ill equipped to deal with it.

Another point is that all these armored predators were waiting to ambush the village, apparently quite close by, yet nobody noticed anything? Why were there no sentries posted? Where were the lookouts or patrols? Did they not have any external monitoring devices? Were all of these taken out/disabled without anyone knowing about it? Did they not bother with any of the above because of the impregnable shield?

If the humans relied entirely on the shield and power plant for protection, and were lax with all other defensive aspects, explain that in the story. As it stands that village, at least in my mind, was not “well defended.” It was a four-course dridder meal waiting for someone to pull the power plug to signal dinner was ready.
I realize this is just a quick back story to set up for Geeran’s “real” adventures, but if you’re going to mention that the settlement was technologically advanced, with heavy defenses, a large military presence with armed soldiers, vehicles, and a super-tech shield … it seems like there should have been a great deal more involved in taking it out.

Finally, if the predators were that well prepared to eradicate the village with relative ease and impunity (good planning, saboteur, etc.), why is it they did not bother to try to stop the APC from escaping? Compared to the rest of it, that should have been child’s play.

Ah thanks guys for your review, I'll answer your questions as best I can without spoiling the adventure.

#1: They did have a plan in place, but it relied on external assistance from allies. But all main power was dead, and heavy defences where down, plus the attack came within minutes of the shied dropping, there was no time to organise secondary defences. I did mention soldiers, but there weren't many... it was mostly mine workers and their families. And yes, the heavier defences (Splatterguns, shields, anything too heavy to be mobile) where tied to the power grid... But when all powerplants go down simultaneously... I set this up intentionally.

#2: That was my bad, I hadn't been descriptive enough on the soldiers skills, but it was a disorganised resistance at best, it was the first time in many many years Kayton had been attacked, and it happened so fast. Some did wound them, but I didn't want any pred fatalities on purpose.... injuries sure, but no fatalities.

(More in next post)

#3: Well, in my mind, I just think they didn't have time to pull in any heavy vehicles to replace the turrets before the assault took place, and I got Geeran moving before anything appeared from the base... I could rectify it in the next chapter, but by then, most, if not all the villagers are dead.

#4: Heh.... well, the assault itself wasn't planned by the predators, and neither was the powergrid explosion. But I shall not reveal more than to say "Watch the hooded man, and read the intermission."

Darkstorm Zero wrote:

Intermission:
Exerpt from the thoughts of Lucien – “... Within the walls of the village of metal and machines... a demon will be born in the fires of dark tragedy and loss... A boy with a mind of both machine and nature with a strong sense of justice will be corrupted by an all too common occurance in this realm... all he ever loved will be consumed... and his heart with it... sense of justice with turn the torch of righteous fury into the hellfire of vengeance,... all he needed was a nudge in the right direction... instead, he will be thrown into the direction of my choosing... and soon, his heart will succumb to the need for vengeance... with my aid, he will become powerful enough to lure those who seek to obstruct my path from their posts... and I will reclaim what I lost so long ago.....”

sounds like Saint Dane from the Pendragon Books

I've never read it.... and until you showed me in chat, I'd never even heard of it....

I have just posted Chapter 1 on Deviantart