The Secrets of Pro

I've written down a few stories so far of Felarya so I thought I'd go ahead and link em here for everyone! ^^

I'm not what you'd call a master writer so, please go easy on me! I'll update this post when I have a new chapter!

Awaken

What the heck is going on here?!

The Mystories of Pro!

Twists and Turns!

I've added the third chapter in Pro's story! Yay for me! ^^ Took a while to get around to it but..... ^^; It's done now!

This is well written. I look forward to the next chapter.

However, you've made some mistakes in spelling. I've taken the liberty of correcting them for you (I hope you don't mind).

In chapter 2 (What the Hecks going on here?):

"Damn dirdder has no respect for anyone!"
should be
"Damn driddler has no respect for anyone!"

"This woman wasn't only giant, she had to be 60 feet tall, AT LEAST! And also very beautiful, her long block hair and brown eye's"
should be
"This woman wasn't only giant, she had to be at least60 feet tall, She was also very beautiful, her long black hair and brown eyes,"

I mean "neko's" don't do it for me! Ewww!"
should be
"I mean, "nekos" don't do it for me! Ewww!"

"Unlike Marrama over there, I don't like to teas my food! It ruins the flavor!"
should be
"Unlike Marrama over there, I don't like to tease my food! It ruins the flavor!"

In chapter 3 (Mysteries of Pro):

Leaving both his buddies in sock and fear!
should be
Leaving both his buddies in shock and fear!

Pro said in sock and horror at what she'd just done.
should be
Pro said in shock and horror at what she'd just done.

I've updated chapter four now! Please check it out if you would!
Also sorry for lack of activity! Life kind if gets in the way of things! ^^;


Anime-Junkie@ Well I thank you for taking the time to do that! It's super nice of you! I'll try and work on them when I have the time!

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

I've updated chapter four now! Please check it out if you would!
Also sorry for lack of activity! Life kind if gets in the way of things! ^^;


Anime-Junkie@ Well I thank you for taking the time to do that! It's super nice of you! I'll try and work on them when I have the time!

Glad I could be of service.

Mistakes in Chapter 4 (Twists and Turns)

She glared at Pro with cold uncaring eye's of steel.
Should Be
She glared at Pro with cold uncaring eyes of steel.

The woman said coldly as she reached into her top and pulled out a small pistol from her bra(Which Pro thought was an interesting choice to but a gun)And aimed the small handgun right at Pro who was in shock at seeing someone pointing a gun at her.
Should Be
The woman said coldly as she reached into her top and pulled out a small pistol from her bra. (Pro thought it was an interesting place to but a gun). She aimed the small handgun right at Pro who was in shock at seeing someone pointing a gun at her.


The woman pulled back the trigger of her pistol, there was a loud bang that followed! Pro shut her eye's tight and waited for the fatal shot to end her life! But as a hand full of seconds went by, Pro didn't feel anything. Was she dead already? She wondered to herself. Pro opened her eye's a little to see someone standing in front of her now.
Should Be
A loud bang echoed through the street as the woman pulled the trigger. Pro shut her eyes tight and waited for the fatal shot to end her life, but as a hand full of seconds went by, Pro didn't feel anything.
"Am I dead already?" She wondered to herself. Pro opened her eyes a little to see someone standing in front of her now.

His eye's were hidden beneath the shadow of the bill.
Pro could tell from the hair that was not covered by the cap he had brown hair that was short.
Should Be
His eyes were hidden beneath the shadow of the peak.
The hair that wasn't covered by the cap was brown and trimmed short.

"Where am I.....? Howed I get here? GAH!!?"
Should Be
"Where am I.....? How'd I get here? GAH!!?"

And she thought Marrama was busted!
Should Be
And she had thought that Marrama was busty!

I thik you desciption of Vivian is also slightly off.
'Her hair was such a light blue it almost looked white and her skin was a light purple color.'
Vivian has purple hair, not blue. (I assume you're describing Vivian here, who else could it be? )

My only other qualm is that you use exclamation marks a bit too much.

Other than that, this is great! can't wait for the next one

Anime-Junkie wrote:

I'm very glad you'd take your time for helping me fix my errors!

And yes that was Vivian! None other! X//3
I based the description off of what was on the wiki. It did say she had very light blue hair that was almost white and light purple skin.

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Anime-Junkie wrote:

I'm very glad you'd take your time for helping me fix my errors!

And yes that was Vivian! None other! X//3
I based the description off of what was on the wiki. It did say she had very light blue hair that was almost white and light purple skin.

It does..? Well, I can't fault you for taking it from the wiki.
I was looking to Karbo's art for Vivian description. In his art she has purple hair.

Anime-Junkie wrote:

I thought that at first too myself. But I'm still grateful for your help! Maybe you could become my editor? ^^
Well, ya kind of already have with my last three stories! I think I can make some interesting story ideas... But I feel I fall short on the grammar part of writing... ^//^;;

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Anime-Junkie wrote:

It does..? Well, I can't fault you for taking it from the wiki.
I was looking to Karbo's art for Vivian description. In his art she has purple hair

I thought that at first too myself. But I'm still grateful for your help! Maybe you could become my editor? ^^

Of course! I'd Be happy to.

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Well, ya kind of already have with my last three stories! I think I can make some interesting story ideas... But I feel I fall short on the grammar part of writing... ^//^;;

It's the other way round for me. I'm great at spelling & grammar, but I rarely have story ideas.

Anime-Junkie wrote:

Well, guess that makes us the perfect duo! ^^
You have an account on DeviantART?

_-ProCaw-_ wrote:

Anime-Junkie wrote:

Well, guess that makes us the perfect duo! ^^
You have an account on DeviantART?

Indeed it does.
Yes I have an account (although I don't really like the name that much >_>; )

Another thing, you've misspelt 'mysteries' in you link to the Mysteries of Pro in the top post.

Anime Junkie! (The Felaryaean Editor!)

EliteCreature wrote:

Anime Junkie! (The Felaryean Editor!)

Thanks!

You spelt 'Felaryan' wrong

your Welcome!

Interesting story you got here.

And dang Pro seems to be following the path of vore pretty quickly!

Well, it's a bit trippy... then again, if it gets trippier, it'll probably be for the best.

Trippy? Sounds like I should read this in earnest sometime...

i would say pro is going to the dark side...but on Felarya vore is the light side so....idk.

Here's the mistakes I found in the latest chapter. It's not posted on here, but I thought that I'd post these here anyway, since I can use code to highlight things.

Where I've used colour is to show that there's 2 different mistakes in one sentence. To prevent confusion I've combined both corrections, highlighting them so you know what's what.

If you want to talk about any of the corrections, just send me a note on dA or a pm here on the forums. We can use the chatbox here or the IRC if you have mIRC or Chatzilla.

After the dizziness wear off,
Should be:
After the dizziness wore off,

But how did she manage to find herself there? Was the only thing going through her mind at the moment.
You've made a bit of a complex mistake there, writing a thought in third-person and... It requires the sentence to be reworked is all. ^^;
"But how did I manage to get here?" Was the only thing going through her mind at the moment.


"Good to know I'm a rememberable guy! How's your gunshot wound?"
Would be better as:
"Good to know I'm a memorable guy! How's your gunshot wound?"

"My gunshot...? OMG!!! I forgot!"
No chat speak in serious writing.

Pro checked herself immediately to see how bad the wound was. To her amazement how ever, the wound was completely healed. There was not even a scar or anything.
Should be/Would be better as:
Pro checked herself immediately to see how bad the wound was. However,[color][color=green]to her amazement the wound was completely healed. Not even a scar remained.

"If it's one thing my jobs shown me kid, nothing is "impossible". Merely improbable"
Should be:
"If it's one thing my jobs shown me kid, nothing is 'impossible;' Merely improbable"

Pro sat there in silence for a while. She didn't know how to react. She just keeps waking up in one world after another every time she passes out and she keeps getting into this weird and bizarre situations. How's a girl supposed to act under these circumstances? After collecting her thoughts she looked over at the young man with the un breaking poker face and asked him.
This looks like first person introspection written in third person. Also, a spelling error.
Pro sat there in silence for a while. She didn't know how to react. "I just keep waking up in a different world and getting into bizarre situations every time I pass out. How's a girl supposed to act under these circumstances?" After collecting her thoughts she looked over at the young man with the unbreaking poker face and asked him.

The last thing she could remember was the giant pale woman at a lake and then...... Everything goes blank. She can't remember anything after that. Just waking up here in what she assumed to be a hospital bed
This should be written in third person or first person (First person would be easier, but maybe that's just me).
First person: "The last thing I could remember was the giant pale woman at a lake and then... Nothingness. The next thing I know is I'm waking up in what I assume to be a hospital bed."
Third person: The last thing she could remember was the giant pale woman at a lake. After that everything went blank. Then suddenly she's waking up in a hospital bed.

Pro paused at that. She had no way to explain what happened before, when she ate that guy she accidentally shrank some how. It was like pure instinct took over.
Pro didn't shrink. The guy did, it's better to write in chronological order.
Pro paused at that. She had no way to explain what happened before, she accidentally shrank that guy then ate him. It was like pure instinct took over.

She asked Jerid, he seemed to know an offal lot about her for some reason. He even knew her name the day she remembered first seeing him with her ever telling him.
Should be:
She asked Jerid, he seemed to know an aweful lot about her for some reason. He even knew her name on the day she first saw him, without her telling him.


And he also had a connection with that gun woman who shot her, Mallp. Who seemed to have a connection with Pro herself.
Would be better as
And he also had a connection with Mallp; gun woman who shot her. Who in turn seemed to have a connection with Pro herself.

So if anyone could give her same clear answers, it's the man she's talking to right now.
This would be better written as a thought, something like:
"So," Pro thought, "if anyone could give me some clear answers, it's this man I'm talking to right now."