Story: The Lost Unit by Dragonjaj

Prologue: The Lost Unit

Japan, 1868

“Damn, it’s another rout! Call the withdrawal!” Shouted a man on horseback. He had short brown hair and deep blue eyes, and was wearing a long brown trench coat over a blue shirt, with gray pants and a blue Union cavalry hat. On his left hip hung a sword and pistol, as he rode through a Japanese city in the dark of the night, on a massive 20 hands high shire horse, with fur as red as blood and black mane, tail and socking fur at its ankles. It wore dark blue armor and a brown saddle, both had gold trim. Next to him, on a Kiso gray horse, was another man with black hair tied in a top knot and brown eyes, wearing green armor. On his head was white head band with a green iron plate on it bearing a family crest in gold, on his left hip sat his family daisho (katana and wakizashi) with tanto, and on his back was M1868 Spanish Peabody rifle. He looked back and shouted the orders to troops behind them in Japanese. Their force was in retreat, and they had lost most of their force in the battle. Now, they were riding through the city on horseback trying to escape. Most of the men wore dark blue Japanese cavalry uniforms and had Spencer repeating rifles on their backs, as well as Smith & Wesson Army No 2 revolvers on the officers hip.

“Jay, you know where we are going?” Shouted the samurai to the lead rider in front.
“Toshi! When do I ever know where we’re going?!” Answered Jay.

The force rounded a corner and found a dead end. A woman with short red hair, three long white horns on her head, a scar across her face, golden eyes and tanned skin wearing a Black kimono with a fire pattern on it, groaned “Great job commander, it’s a dead end!” as she rode up next to Jay. Before he could respond, another girl with blond hair and white skin, one blue eye, with a scar over the left side on her face, wearing boys clothes and a eye patch over her left eye, shouted in a French accent. “The enemy is upon us!”. The commander looked back to see a double line of riflemen.

Toshi looked to Jay. “Okay brother, any good ideas?!”

Jay looked around. “No, but I have a stupid one!...”

He pulled out an ancient artifact it was a round disc with a gem in its center and covered in strange runes. “You’re not going to use that?! We do not know what it does!" shouted a girl with a Russian accent, black hair, pail gray blue eyes, pale green skin, wears a gypsy outfit, the vest was blue, over a red blouse, with a white skirt and a pink sash with stars and suns and moons on it.

“We have no choice!” said Jay as he activated the relic, it glowed, then gave off a flash of light.

After it faded, the Cavalry Unit was gone, leaving only a crater. And the bewildered riflemen looked around puzzled.

Jay and his men found themselves in a dry mountain area under a clear blue sky, along with part of the ally they were in. Toshi looked at Jay. “Brother, where are we?” Jay looked around. “Not sure, but maybe Texas or Arizona...”.

special thanks to hard working editor The Rev

Woot! Here it is!

Interesting start. I'm excited to see how a Japanese cavalry troop will do in the middle of Felarya.

Kudos to both of you.

MrNobody13 wrote:

Interesting start. I'm excited to see how a Japanese cavalry troop will do in the middle of Felarya.

Kudos to both of you.

*Hug* yaey frist prase of my writing thats not from a teacher or my mother. =3

Ok, let's start at the beginning.
“Damn, it’s another rout! Call the withdrawal!” Shouted a man on horseback.
You can't call the withdrawal if you're being routed because when an army is routed they are running away, disorganised, every man for himself in complete disregard for command.

He had short brown hair and deep blue eyes, and was wearing a long brown trench coat over a blue shirt, with gray pants and a blue Union cavalry hat.
Now here you are using the word 'and' where it is not needed. In addition, a comma is not used before 'and.'
I think that this sentence and the previous one need to be rewritten. You should have the description before the sentence spoken by the man.

You also have him riding a shire horse. This makes no sense as this is obviously an officer of some sort. Shire horses are not warhorses by any stretch of the imagination. They are workhorses, meant for pulling large loads. They don't more that fast at all. I doubt that they could charge.

What I said before about rewriting the description applies to this entire paragraph. I'd even say that you should split this paragraph in two.

The way you're writing your descriptions is quite clumsy. They are over-long and read mre like a list.

This is especially apparent in the next paragraph The force rounded a corner and found a dead end. A woman with short red hair, three long white horns on her head, a scar across her face, golden eyes and tanned skin wearing a Black kimono with a fire pattern on it, groaned “Great job commander, it’s a dead end!” as she rode up next to Jay.
In addition, you have the action with the description. You should write:
“Great job commander, it’s a dead end!” she groaned as she rode up next to Jay.

On the note of dialogue, these characters are not speaking in a Japanese manner. I'm not talking about which particular language they're speaking. What I'm talking about is the manner and courtesies they show when speaking to each other. Japanese people (this is in general) are very polite when they speak. Especially in the military, they are very strict. There would be no joking around, no friendly insults.

Lastly, I must ask how exactly a Japanese person, would know they were in Texas or Arizona. I find it believable to think that they would recognise America, but as for state names, unless they had particularly studied it, I do not think they would know where about they were. (Of course, I know the place they find themselves in is most likely Felarya)

reed the chearicter bios jay the leader is from the usa toshi is his sworn brother not blood relation also Jay dose not speek japanese but toshi learned english so he traslates the orders to the troops thats what it hapened in the start rather then jay giving the orders him self.

I was ging to put him saying the order in japanese wrighting but was told it was a bad idea.

He rides a shire horse cus he wanted a big horse and he had it fore a while as he crosced over land from erupe and the others are on the standered japanse war horse. Pluse you git kicked or stoped by a shire you ant giting up.

Plus its only the prolog and its the 3 rd story i have ever writen in my life.

Ps only Japanese solder that spoke was toshi the second in comand

others that spoke where

Jay the amercan

Oka japanese oni

Natalya russian zombie

Bernetta from france

Onli ones that have milarty traing of those 5 are Toshi japanese traned but speachs frendly with Jay do to a close friend ship, Bernette who posed as a guy to join the french arm but was kicked out, and Jay who served in shermans cavalry doing the US civil war so hes little more then a traned cowboy.

(Don't double post like that. You can edit your previous post to include any addition information).

People shouldn't have to read bios to understand a story. You should be able to convey what's happening through the narrative itself. Bios are mainly for role-plays and related things.
If you tell people to 'read the bio" then you need to revise your work to adequately convey what is happening. Your prologue can be expanded and rewritten to include all relevant information about the present characters. That's usually one of the points of a prologue, to establish characters and/or background of said characters before getting to the first chapter.

Lol, Jay is a f'n fool! I love him. With his logic, he might just end up being the last one left standing.

(Background information and history not touched on by The Rev)

I thought the point of the prlog was to start the story and you seem to be the only one that thoght the hole grop was japanese

dragonjaj wrote:

I thought the point of the prlog was to start the story and you seem to be the only one that thoght the hole grop was japanese

I never said the whole group was. But it is logical to think that because you declare that it's starting in Japan, I would think that they would be speaking Japanese. Having one person translating for a big group like that is inconvenient on anything other than short visits to a country.

And no, a prologue is meant to introduce the story. The first chapter starts the story.
Stab' "All Fun and Games with Elsie" story has a pseudo-prologue. It is easily possible to start from chapter one of that story and still understand everything that's going on, except the references to the sign. That prologue introduces the characters, gives a them a bit of background and puts them in place for the actual story to begin. But as I said, it's not absolutely necessary for the story. It's still nice though.

Do to difacltys beond my controle the next part of the story will be delayed (suffering writers block i know what i want to write but my hands refuse to right on the paper TT_TT)

Aww.. oh well, take your time XD