Kitten's Charies

Name: Delta Ray
Age: 14
Height: Three inches
Sepcies: Human
Hair: Delta sports, boyish red hair, her hair hangs down to just below her chin.
Eye Colour: Electric Blue
Skin Colour: Caucasian
Weight: 7 pounds
Clothing: Starting at the top of her head Delta sports a pair of blue goggles that resemble swimming goggles. The goggles allow her to view heat signatures through them, they also function as binoculors, night vision goggles and of course normal underwater goggles. She wears a sleevless, white belly shirt and ontop of that she wears a blue sleevless denim Jacket, it is often wide open showing the shirt beneath. On her hands she wears a pair of black fingerless gloves with a blue eagle symbol etched upon it, using this she can lift up to twice her own weight, which isn't much considering her size.Around her waist she wears a large brown belt, which she likes to strap things to. On her legs she wears a pair of blue denim shorts that hugs closely to her, on her feet, she wears nothing, they are often bare and the soles are slightly dirty.
Weapons: Delta carries what appears to be a glock, but instead of firing bullets it fires, small globs of plasma that burns what it touches. The ammo for this weapon is scarce but Delta has moddified it so that each bullet fires out half it's normal payload and that if she has access to a power source she can recharge the ammo pack to fire more bolts of plasma.
Other: Delta carries with her a grappling hook that is attached to her belt.

Talents: Delta has incredibly high intelligance, she can paint with her feet and is proficient with the sword.
Birthplace: Delta was born on the Nomadic space faring fleet of Mayan ships, specificly the flagship Acropolis.
Personality: Delta appears to be confident, however she is saddened over the loss of her parents, friends and the fleet. Delta is relativly inexperianced in survival and ultimatly she is quiet naive, she cares for others and has a deep caring for nature having experianced very little on Acropolis. At times Delta can be quite reckless, she likes o make friends with others, even those who are much larger,hwever she is quite afraid of aproaching another person. Delta doesn't like to rely on others, she doesn't like travelling in large group because of this, she believes that everyne needs to pull their own weight in a group but doesn't want to rely on someone who may let her down.
Background: Delta was born on the Acropolis, she is a citizens of a highly advanced human civilisation known as the Mayans who left their old world in eons past for the vastness of space. Delta is the third and youngest daughter of the two captains of the ship, the ship in question Acropolis is around the same size as the city of New York. Delta in her lifetime crafted several usefull items for herself, such as her goggles and a robotic Bee around 2 inches. At the age of fourteen her current age, Delta took part in a phase shifting experiment, bee in hand at the time. Delta's world spun, she lost her footing and blacked out, when she awoke, the experiment appeared to have been a success only now she did not know where she was. Delta was now in the forests of felarya, she was lost and very small ina strange world she had never before witnessed.

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This be my first charactor, for roleplaying and I may write a story about her. I planto update her personality as I roleplay or write about her.

No offense, but this seems kinda like a Mary Sue. I'm basing that on the yardstick of "more text devoted to describing her appearance than her personality".

A good test of "Sueness" is to write WHO your characters are. If I use Star Wars characters as an example, Han Solo is a rogueish machiavellan, while Senator/Queen Amidala is... nothing really. I'm not talking about writing their jobs, history, or even personality - I'm talking bout writing who your character is.

Another test of sueness is their political views. If they have the same view as you, and come up against people who oppose your views, and prove these people wrong, then it is a sign of sueishness.

A good way to avoid sueness is to give your character a flaw. Not just any flaw though - a flaw that negatively affects them in the story, ie if they are impatient or reckless then have them rush in and screw something up, or if they have a temper then have them get angry and offend someone they need. You should also have the character be wrong occasionally, and have them know they are wrong.

This is just me giving you some advice I learned through experience. Feel free to ignore it if you want, but please consider what I've said.

Oh, and to add to what I said about flaws above, shyness doesn't count.

I disagree, this character is not a Mary Sue; she's just a bit underdeveloped. There are character flaws here; Delta is naive and inexperienced.
Would you say she's idealistic too? It's a possibility.

Quote :

The goggles allow her to view heat signatures through them, they also function as binoculors, night vision goggles and of course normal underwater goggles.

Those are some pretty damn advanced goggles, even for a space-faring civilisation. Was she a rich kid?

Quote :

delta took part in a phase shifting experiment, bee in hand at the time.

Why would a 14 year old, basically a minor, be participating in such a dangerous experiment?

That said, her age may be a bit of an issue. 14 is quite young.

I agree with the idealistic part, as for Delta's goggles she was rich, however she is very inteligant and had access to some exellent along with the ships crew and AI, she would havebuilt the goggles herself with some help. As for the dangerous experiment, yes she is quite young, but you have to remember she is from a different culture, in her culture she has started to take on responsibilities around the ship, she could have volunteered for the experiment. The age thing I disagree with she is young, but that shouldn't realy make too much of a difference should it?

Kitten wrote:

I agree with the idealistic part, as for Delta's goggles she was rich, however she is very inteligant

Define 'very intelligent.' I can understand the want for a character who's not stupid, but be careful about a high intelligence character, it can slip into Mary sue territory if you're not careful.
That said, knowledge doesn't equal intelligence. You could have her know quite a bit due to her superior space age education without being some kind of genius; that's not something sue-ish at all.
A character doesn't have to be super intelligent/strong/etc to succeed or be a good character.

Kitten wrote:

and had access to some exellent along with the ships crew and AI, she would havebuilt the goggles herself with some help.

I can see her "making" them by following step by step instructions from someone. Those kind of goggles are quite complex. Sure, they could be made 'by hand'; for a given definition of 'by hand.' In reality, machines would have been doing a lot of the work, she would have been assembling the parts.

Kitten wrote:

As for the dangerous experiment, yes she is quite young, but you have to remember she is from a different culture, in her culture she has started to take on responsibilities around the ship, she could have volunteered for the experiment.

Ok, I can see that as a possibility; if the spaceship culture has a 'no dead weight' attitude then it works fine. However, her attitudes should reflect her culture, soemthing that can be quite interesting. If they don't match up, the backstory is worthless.

Kitten wrote:

The age thing I disagree with she is young, but that shouldn't realy make too much of a difference should it?

Believe me, it does. Be careful.

Name: Jane Smith
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Species: Elf
Height: 5ft
Hair: Boyish brown hair that hangs down to just below her chin.
Eye Colour: A piercing Emerald Green
Figure: Hourglass
Bust: C Cups
Clothing: On her feet she wears a pair of brown eskimo boots, she wears a pair of tight blue denim shorts. On her top she wears a purple belly shirt, over the top she wears a purple cloak that hangs down over her feet and the hood covers her brown hair when it is up.
Talents: Jane has shown she has vast potential for magic, she has learned a few spells and is extremely skilled with them, but she has not learned many spells and is still considered a novice to her peers. Jane can use her magic to fly up to five foot off the ground, she can fly for a while, however she does not fly particularly fast as it takes a good amount of concentration.
Personality: Jane is quiet, she likes to keep to herself, not that she doesn't like talking to others, however she will rarely go up and talk to others. She has a hard time trusting people, it's just how she is, she is happiest on her own, or with a good book in her hands. Jane does snack on other sentient beings, such as tomthumbs, when she can find them and even then only ones she can stick in her mouth. To Jane trust is something that must be earned, but once you gain her trust it doesn't take much to lose it, likewise Jane only tries to learn other people's trust if she feels it neccasary.

Background: Jane is unwilling to share much of her past with others, however what is known about her is.... That she spent three years training in the earth city of Bejing, two years training in the capital of Ma'ra Jon Jon. She spent ten years in an unknown location and three years wondering the forests of Felarya.

Character Removed For now

Well time for me to jump in here...

Let's look at Jane first in nice bullet format
- Eskimo boots, denim shorts, and a purple cloak? I'm sorry now I may know practically nothing about fashion... But that sounds like a fashion disaster of the highest power...
- There's a lot of redundancies in her bio... "Extremely proficiant in magic, yet considered a novice" That's worded a bit awkward, so let's rephrase it to "Jane has shown she has vast potential for magic, she has learned a few spells and is extremely skilled with them, but she has not learned many spells and is still considered a novice to her peers"
- Another redundancy is "she likes to keep to herself, not that she doesn't like talking to others, however she will rarely go up and talk to others." so let's rephrase that to something more along the lines of "Jane likes to keep to herself, however she does not mind having conversations with people from time to time"
- Now this part is probably the most important, but while not forbidden, it's usually a bit of a faux pas to have your characters spend time on Earth, especially if the character in question is not human. I find it rather hard to believe that she could spend 3 years in one of the most populated cities in the world with those pointy elf ears without somebody noticing, it's just not sensible. Plus traversing between Earth and Felarya is extremely shaky at best, since the only way in and out from our planet is complete random luck that she is standing on a patch of land that gets sucked into Felarya. Try keeping her on Felarya for the sake of not using some obnoxious explaination to how she got there. But I'll leave that hole for AJ to fix.
- She may not say much about her past, but that doesn't mean we can't know. Hand waives like that are generally bad ideas.

Now let's check out Will. I actually have not much to say since her backstory has yet to be revealed. But I do want to see an explaination about their possessions. Like how she's got that clothing and weapons of hers. Avoiding childhood nudity is one thing... But you do kinda need a reason, there aren't many tailors who cater to nagas after all.


As for the backstories, let me give you some advice on how to do it. Take each important aspect of the character you desire, any personal items, special skills, anything of the sort, and describe them using the aspects of "who what when where why", For example, Will's gun and dagger, explain who gave it to them, what it is (obvious, it's a knife), when they got it, where they got it, and why they got it. For example, say she had a mentor, they gave her the knife and gun when she was young, at their home in a small hut near Ur Segol, and it was given since he was mortally wounded and gave it to her as a token of rememberance. Just follow these aspects with each important facet of the character and you should be well on your way to forming excellent bios.

Name: Will
Gender: Female
Species: Naga
Age: 21
Height: 5ft foot, head to ground
Length: 17 foot, head to the tip of her tail
Skin Colour: Caucasian
Eye Colour: Her right eye is an electric blue colour, while her left is an Emerald Green colour.
Hair: Will's hair stretches down to just below her shoulders, it is a light blue colour, the tips of which are a shade of pink.
Scale Colour: Lovely shade of Pink.
Belly Scale Colour: Yellow
Clothing: On her human half Will wears a pair of oval shaped glasses to help with her reading, she is long sighted. On her hands she wears a pair of black fingerless gloves, she wears a white belly shirt that shows off the belly button on her human half. Over the top of this she wears a black denim jacket, with a pocket on either side she uses to store her pencils and her notepad. Her jacket is never buttoned, leaving it wide open to help with large meals.
Weapons: Under her jacket, Will carries what appears to be a glock,what it fires is a special kind of bullet that targets the nervous system. The weapon temporarily paralises human sized opponents and those around 15ft to less effect, to larger opponents it is merely an annoyance. Her fangs, Will uses her fangs when neccasary, mainly when her gun is unavailable, her fangs carry a paralysing venom. She only uses her fangs when absolutly neccasary or when subduing more difficult prey, as she considers this type of fighting to be barbaric.

Personality: Will is a charming young woman, she is not affraid to go out and introduce herself to others. She likes to have a good long talk with her prey, she is a scientist and wishes to learn more about the various species of the universe and Felarya. However, Will has an inflated feeling of Personal ability, she believes that she is a brilliant and a very good hunter perhaps much better than she actually is.
Where does she Live: Research Station Omega in the city of Ur-Sagol
Hunting Habits: Will has no problems unhinging her jaw to swallow human sized prey whole, she prefers to eat females, though she is not against eating males. Will also enjoys eating those of the tiny races, she treats them as a special meal, especially enjoying the way they struggle in her stomach, however she is not very good at catching them, so she savours them when she does catch some. aShe also has no problem eating other human sized nagas.

Background: Will was born in the month of Janur on the seventeenth day under the light of the three moons that orbit the world of Praxia seven. At the age of ten the young nagaling was accepted into the royal academy, where her intelligiance quickly brought her into the higher Praxia institute at the young age of fifteen. At the age of sixteen she began working for the A.O.S. (Association of Organised Systems)

Will became a succesfull woman and by the age of nineteen had rose to the rank of Cheif scientist, however as quickly as she rose, so too did she fall from grace. After several lab accidents and three failed expedititons, Will was let go from her position, at the of twenty she became stationed on the the research station Omega, a station that orbits a black hole. The station was privatly funded and their Will quickly rose in ranks becoming Cheif scientist, not the top position but still high ranking.

Will led an expedition using highly advanced Fusion technology to traverse the black hole, entering it and with some difficulty emerged onto the other side where she came into contact with a vast forest world. Will's team however encountered a problem, flying over the forest there transport encountered technichal problems and they were forced to make a landing at the edge of a ruined city, unable to get their ship working again, they settled down for the long haul, quickly turning the vehicle and one of the ruined buildings into a temporary research base, as of now only Will remains, the others haing mysteriously disappeared after several trips into the forest.