YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
* You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
* Your neighbors think you're a detective because a Deputy always brings you home.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
* You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 80mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
* Breakfast consists of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
* There are 13 dogs under the front porch and you have papers for one.
* A museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.
* Your Momma knows how to make Roadkill stew.
* Your truck has more colors than Jeff Gordons race car!
* You have ever been shot at by the law.
* You have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.
* Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
* You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
* You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
* You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
* You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
* You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
* You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
* You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
* You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
* Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
* The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
* You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
* You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
* You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
* Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
* You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
* You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
* You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
* You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
* The strongest smell in your house is butane.
* Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
* You think paprika is a Third World country.
* You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
* You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
* None of your shirts cover your stomach.
* You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
* Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
*Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
* Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."
* You judge a trips' drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
* Your home has more miles on it than your car.
* You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
* You think the stock market has a fence around it.
* Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
* You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
* You own a homemade fur coat.
* Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
* You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
* Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
* Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
* You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
* You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
* Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
* You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
* You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
* You clean your fingernails with a stick.
* Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
* You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
* Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
* You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
* There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
* You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
* The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
* You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
* You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
* You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
* The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
* The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
* You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
* You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
* You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
* You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
* You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
* You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
* You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
* Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
* You own a denim leisure suit.
* Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
* The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
* You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
* You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
* You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
* Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
* You cut your toenails in front of company.
* You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
* You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
* You call your boss "dude."
* You have grease under your toenails.
* You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
* You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
* The primary color of your car is "bondo."
* You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
* The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
* The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
* Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
* You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
* You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
* The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
* You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
* You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
* You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
* You've been too drunk to fish.
* You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
* You ever used a weedeater indoors.
* You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
* You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."
* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
* Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
* You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
* You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
* You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
* Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before I flush it!"
* You mow your lawn and find a car.
* If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
* You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
* You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
* You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
* You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
* The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
* When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
* You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
* Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
* Your huntin' dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
* Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
* You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
* It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
* You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
* Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
* The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
* When you see a sign that says, "Say No To Crack!" it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
* Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
* The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
* You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
* You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
* You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
* Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
* You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
* In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
* You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball..."
* Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
* You can belch and say your name at the same time.
* You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
* You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
* You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
* You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
* Your bike has a gun rack on it.
* The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
* Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
* You ever had sex in a satellite dish.
* You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
* You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
* Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
* After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
* You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
* Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!"
* Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
* You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome."
* Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it.
* You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
* The family business needs a lookout.
* You've painted a car with house paint.
* You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
* Your mama can back down a biker.
* You ever named a child after a dog.
* Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
* Your sister's education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
* You walk your dog and you both use the same tree down on the corner.
* A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
* A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee's.
* All of your four letter words are two syllables.
* Birds are attracted to your beard.
* Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
* Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
* Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
* Your idea of foreplay is, "Get in the truck, bitch!"
* Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
* People hear your car a long time before they see it.
* The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
* Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
* You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
* Your mom french kisses better than your sister.
* On Sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and you're not.
* When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
* Your mother has gotten into a fist fight at a high school sports event.
* Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
* You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
* You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
* The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
* Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
* Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
* You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
* You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
* Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
* You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
* You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
* You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
* You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
* Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6."
* You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
* The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.
Subject: YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.... 
Mon Apr 07, 2008 6:05 am
