Malahite's Criticism and Advice thread

Incase there's any misunderstanding with the title, I am looking for Criticism / Advice for my own works (And maybe every once in a while handing some of my own out as well). I might work on some Felarya art in the future, though likely neither for a long while or with any vore (A rarity, I know), limited / no nudity (Even more rare!), etc.

First two chapters of my current work:
'Home' Chapter One: Grand Entrance
'Home' Chapter Two: A Brief New Sun

Any criticism or advice, again, is helpful and wanted.

I SEE A GENESTEALER GETTING OWNED BY A CATACHAN JUNGLE FIGHTER!

Rythmear wrote:

I SEE A GENESTEALER GETTING OWNED BY A CATACHAN JUNGLE FIGHTER!

Don't worry, I'll try to lay off the Catachan wank. Stories ain't fun when none of the characters die.

Dude, Catachans die all the time - that's why they live.

UPDATE: Yeah, been a while, but I'll be returning to this. Partially.

Firstly, I will be making a new DA account (Similar name, likely a simple name modification). Why? Forgot the old one's password, the old email is also invalid.

Secondly, I will be rewriting the story. While the first one was descriptive, it was too much so. Similarly, in was spread out too much, was given pointless filler, stretched belief, etc.

Thirdly, a question: Which should I go with?

I can either write what I originally intended (40K crossover, pretty well planned out but not with my own unique persons [Or universe, at least]), or the 'original' I was going over in my head (Less planned, though non-reliant on other universes).