My character

this is my new guy

name - Mel Oznap
species - Human
sex - male
age - 20
height - 6" ft
hair colour - black
eye colour - brown
occupation - Weapons dealer

Mel was a recon soldier in the middle east of Earth working on finding terrorists.One day he was chasing one who went in a network of caves that was probably filled with munnitions. Sure enough it was, but that's not all that he found.He found another way out, but when he exited the cave he was in a steaming jungle.He then saw some weird creatures closing in on him. He quickly shot them all and ran for his life.He realized he needed to be somewhere safe when the ground beneath him caved in. He then decided to use it as his base camp. Mel then left his base when he came upon the City of Negav.There he sold weapons to sharp - shooters. Then he turned his base is now a secret weapons store where his fixes, buys, sells, and trades weapons of various kinds. His store/base is not far from Negav.He is a kind and compasionate person who likes to talk to new poeple. He himself is a very good sharp - shooter and can shoot up 900 yards. He likes music of any kind, he even sings and plays the guitar. When it comes to money that is all he can think about but will not do anything bad for money. He has met Crisis on his first exploit when he began to tell her stories about Earth and how he ended up in Felarya. She was moved then to be sure he was not to be eaten Mel began to sing some of his favorite songs. Crisis loved him and let him live. Crisis is one of Mel's first freinds and he hopes to find more.

How many places on this site do you intend to post him?

Alright, where to start. At least you didn't make him an unstoppable super-soldier/mage. That's always a good sign.

The backstory is different at least. Although, some explanation might help. Was this a random dimensional alignment to Felarya? Or something created by the terrorists he was chasing. I find the latter unlikely though, given the general lack of high-end technology among most terrorists. You aren't about to power a dimensional portal in a cave in the desert. lol

Lets see. When he first came to Negav, where did he get the weapons to sell? I seriously doubt anyone would sell their own.

As for his business. I can understand fixing weapons, tinkering with them and such, but I doubt the potential of a weapon store. The main issue is supply. Guns and ammo just don't appear out of thin air. That really leaves two options. Steal guns from other people to sell, leaving them with no way to defend themsevles (and making a lot of enemies and building a bad reputation).

...or looting what predators leave behind, since they aren't going to be eating the weapons. This presents its own set of problems, since he would have to go into the jungle and actively hunt for signs of predators. Even then, finding anything useful is unlikely at best. No one is bringing tons of weapons to Felarya. Most people who come there are random people with bad luck, or scientific expeditions. Really the only military powers of any kind are the Delurans and Miritans, and they aren't about to give up their guns.

I just don't see where there's a large enough supply of guns for someone to set up shop. Odds are there are already several weapons dealers in Negav itself anyway.

I also wonder about his fixation on money. Money of any kind of largely worthless on Felarya. Really, you only need it if you plan to live in a human settlment. Other than that, its completely worthless. If he's getting most of his supplies from Negav, I could see the need for an income. But if he's going to be reliant on Negav, why live outside the safety of its walls? If you mean for him to be self-reliant, money is useless.

*groan* I am still firmly against people arbitrarily meeting Crisis and befriending her like its some kind of rite of passage. You don't need to meet Crisis, know her, or be her friend for your character to be good. At least you give a reason he didn't get eaten, that's better than most. Im just saying, its a BIG jungle, and there's lots of other people to interact with besides Crisis. Maybe make up some predator characters of your own if you want him to befriend them.

There are some good ideas here, but also a good bit of inconsistancy. Also, there is very little mentioned about his personality besides the fact that he's a nice guy and likes music...which is a trait shared by roughly 80% of original chracters who befriend Crisis. Maybe think of a way to make him stand out more.

Terrorists are not trophy game animals to boost your characters badassery. Having a fictional character, and certainly an obvious Self-insert character kill them habitually is insulting to both Middle-Easterners and the people who've been harmed by terrorism. And it's also just kinda stupid.

Listen to what rcs619 said too, he has a lot of valid points.

gtslover100 wrote:

He is a kind and compasionate person who likes to talk to new poeple.

A "kind and compassionate" weapons dealer? Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron? He chose to go into that trade, didn't he?

I was going to ask how he was able to set up his trade in the first place, but rcs619 has covered that in detail.

Maybe I'm just tired of new characters being good at shooting things.

Sorry of this sounds negative. But the character needs quite a bit of reworking, I think. For starters, if you want to make him appear as a "good guy", don't have him deal in weapons.