1001 things that Felarya characters can't do

For those of you who read Mr. Welch's list, or the SCP foundation's "things that Dr. can't do anymore", I was thinking we could start one ourselves. So just think of something funny to say about a character... I'll give you something to start up.

Please don't take things seriously! This is just for fun.

#1. Telekline is not a master of the hands-on approach.
#2. Voidfingers does not have potential applications as a bathroom curtain.
#3. Namesta can't use the character wiki as a "to-do" list.
#4. Neither can Vivian. No, really, think of those poor humans.
#5. No matter what anyone says, Crisis is not a ninja.
#6. Vivian didn't ask Anna for phone sex.
#7. It's Alvar, not Man-var.
#8. Telekline can't give Alvar a wedgie.
#9. Alvar does not get his pants as trophies of the swordsmen he's defeated.
#10. Telekline does not find Anna's lack of faith disturbing.
#11. Neither does Lily.
#12. She doesn't get experience for killing humans, either.
#13. Kallisti did not win Felarya.
#14. Anna doesn't hunt with a shotgun.
#15. There is no relation between nagas and naginatas.
#16. The number of heterosexual females in the wiki doesn't take one hand. No, really, I checked.
#17. #16 is not a masturbation metaphor.
#18. Neither is #1.
#19. The fact that Vivian's page is the heaviest in the wiki doesn't mean anything.
#20. You don't mess with the Crisis.
#21. Yelling "But I'm pregnant!" won't work if you're male.
#22. It won't work, period.
#23. The only person who'd enjoy shipping/pairing Alvar and Telekline would be Vivian.
#24. Alvar doesn't have eye lasers.
#25. Vivian doesn't have boob lasers.
#26. Anna probably does, though.
#27. "Situational homosexuality" doesn't help clear things up.

#28. Anna is not always on her period, I'm not even sure if nagas have periods.

#29. Humans are the "yield" traffic in felarya.
#30. Fairies always have the right of way.
#31. Tonorions aren't your father, even if they're black, and wear armor.
#32. #31 wasn't a star wars reference. just like #16 and #1 weren't masturbation references.

#32. No matter how much of a pain in the ass they may be, Othemites are sapient beings as well. So don't deliberately lead them to Crisis.
#33. Fairy hunting...bad idea.
#35. While it may be hilarious, slipping nekos catnip tends to result in scratches later.
#36. Before stripping off a drider's fancy clothes and putting them on a naga while they snooze, you might want to ask why driders and nagas have this feud thing going on...
#37. While you may find following slug girls around with giant salt shakers hilarious, they sure don't.
#39. Before you adventure out wearing ONLY plate mail, and nothing else, please remember that fire nagas have been talking about "canned food" lately. Consider insulation.
#40. While he may be hilarious, channeling Deadpool will shorten your lifespan dramatically. You aren't immortal after all, and except for harpies no pred likes you sassing off to them.
#41. Before you perform a spell, please MAKE SURE you have the correct quantities of ingriedients for it, if needed. This means YOU, alchemists!
#42. Especially if your ingriedients involve explosives.
#43. In the same vein, when casting a fireball, make sure you can actually control WHERE it explodes.
#44. You cannot "befriend" predators by subjecting them to massive, overwhelming firepower, so stop trying.
#45. You can't give them Stockholm syndrome either.
#46. If your plan was in any way, shape, or form inspired by Gunther, consider it vetoed. We want to live too.
#47. Stealing predator eggs=BAD IDEA.
#48. If your plan was inspired by anime, consider it vetoed. This goes double if it was inspired by a man with impossibly cool shades.**
#49. In the same vein, your fellow adventurers would appreciate it if you kept "hotbloodedness" to a minimum. Preds love it, however.
#50. Your companions are not "ablative shielding", and shall not be referred to as such.
#51. Your companions are NOT to be given nicknames in a foreign language which reference the following: meals, food, or flavor. It never ends well in Felarya.
#52. Fairies don't die if you say "I don't believe in fairies". So don't try it (and expect to live).
#53. Mermaids aren't good eatin'. So loose the oversized filleting knife-we don't want to give them ideas.
#54. Never, EVER say "Watch this!" It's tempting fate. (If you don't ebelieve me, look at the Darwin Awards.)
#56. Harpies aren't intimidated by cookware, and driders aren't intimidated by oversized fly swatters. So we don't need either.
#57. The same goes for mermaids and frying pans.
#59. Casting a massive fire ball barrage on a Tinie is a gross misuse of the power. Save it for the nagas.
#60. There is no such thing as a "Fuck the world" lever in Felarya. The guardians made damn sure about that, so don't bother.
#61. Disease doesn't exist on Felarya. So you can stop shooting party members who have been bitten by vampires or zombies.
#62. Fairies are not attracted to glue traps. This issue is now closed. Permanently.*
#63. Dol not try to smoke the Miaxi hive, even if it works for bee keepers. Nagas have been killed for attempting the same stunt.
#64. Similairly, spraying cans of insecticide at gypsas won't work either. Poison is in the dosage.
#65. Gekkotas do not sell caravan insurance.
#66. Icthys are not sahagain. So stop firing lightning blasts into the water when you see one.
#67. When a mantoid asks you out on a "dinner date", it would be wise to reflect on the mating habits of praying mantises.
#68. Making fun of a Razia's "underdevloped features" is not conducive to good health. So do it on your own time.
#69. Nagas do not appreciate "Crocodile Hunter" parodies. For that matter, neither do saurotaurans.
#70. There is no Jane Goodall of Felarya, so no camp out next to the bloodclaws to gain their trust. Suicide is NOT an option.
#71. No character shall dip themselves in capsaicin in an attempt to make themselves Too Spicy for Crisis. Odds are, you're just right for some other predator.
#72. Arthronodes do NOT have a weak spot to attack FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE. They do, however, find you nutritious and delicious.
#73. Tanya is not Evangeline A.K. McDowell. So no bugging her to teach you forbidden magic-you're likely wasting your time.
#74. Tanya is not fond of Twighlight. So don't give her body glitter as a gift.
#75. Dangling Neeras in front of a neko from a piece of string is in extrodinairly bad taste.

*read: Let's not piss them off, shall we?
** Felarya isn't kind to HOT BLOOD. Same applies to rule 49. For that matter, it isn't a world for "The power of friendship" or any of that other stuff.

Byakugan01 wrote:

A list that totally wasn't taken from this

Seriously, be original.