Mind if I Chip In

All around it the world went on unconcerned.

Once or twice a large animal had looked at it, after appearing from behind one of those colossal trees. To any other being three foot tall that advanced at that sluggish crawling pace, that'd have meant it was over. But Chip had nothing to fear. Not that he could feel fear anyway.

Felarya insisted everyone joined the food chain. Luckily, this area had been chosen specifically because none of the locals could introduce it to the natural order. Or rather, nothing in the world could. So it only had to worry about the ones that might try anyway for the hell of it.

Its tracks rolled along the ground sluggishly as they had for several days, the soft rubber leaving no tracks at all. It proceeded to roll into a clearing where only a few rays of light shone through the canopies. Wherever the light reached down, flowerbeds of all chromatic persuasions thrived. He saw a few plants with red leaves grow near the roots of a particularly large tree, and a couple really tiny deer with white marking along their backs looking at him warily, with large, scared eyes. They'd been drinking from a small pond.

For a moment, it realized the plants in the area didn't match the botanic files he was sent. It considered for a moment taking a picture of the area. Then it remembered that its orders included a strict "no recording curiosities" policy. Its owner was worried that if it got beautiful pictures, someone could look at them and decide Felarya was worth a shot.

= = = = = =

RECORD 1 ---> LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

OBJECTIVE ONE- STAKE OUT A DEFENSIBLE POSITION

Its camera made a slow sweep of the area. It confirmed the species of those ungulates as duikers, and a stam root's presence near a tree's roots. It kept advancing: as soon as it was 50 feet away from the duikers, they leapt away.

A second camera pointed from its top towards the treetops.

OBJECTIVE DETAILS 1-
TARGET MUST NOT BE VISIBLE FROM A HEIGHT OF 30-80 FEET

It started measuring the angle each branch occupied in his range of vision. It was pointing with only one camera, but by simply moving and comparing results it could get an effective depth perception. With a lightning-fast calculation it quickly found an appropriate branch to start looking.

Pointing a clawed appendage at the branch, it bent its radiating claws in a manner impossible for anything else, twisting them all the way back into hooks. Then it fired, with a muffled FWHOOM, its claw at the branch.

Attached to the rest of its body by a length of cable, the claw fell all around the branch, and found somewhere to lock in. He started reeling the cable in, ascending slowly until it reached the branch. From there, it gave some more rope, swung the grappling hook again, reeled it back in, and loaded the firing mechanism.

Then it fired again, reaching another branch. And repeated the process until it was high enough above the ground.

OBJECTIVE DETAILS 2-
TARGET MUST BLEND IN WITH A LOCAL FEATURE

Now it needed to find an appropriate hideout around the area, so it slowly scanned its surroundings. It seemed like a different world all around. The ground was nowhere in sight, and there were more patches of blue sky visible here and there over the green foliage, riddled with ivy, vine, sometimes a flower or oddly-shaped fruit. If it found a big enough hollow or a bird's nest, that'd be a natural feature alright. It'd only have to make modifications to account for human presence.

For a moment it crossed through a bald spot in the foliage, from which it could have beheld a majestic landscape. A sea of green treetops extended as far as it could see, the invisible horizon beckoning the sun to come down and rest. The weary sky was already a shade of orange by the time it saw this. One of its cameras caught the sight while passing by, including even a large red flower growing from the top of another tree.

It was probably the safest thing in Felarya.

Ironically it was also probably the only one incapable of perceiving its beauty.

OBJECTIVE DETAILS 3-
CHIP MUST NOT BE FOUND WHILE IN THAT PLACE.

Finally, it found the right spot. A branch, with a hole right above it. Probably there'd be some animals inside. It'd have to check... if there was someone inside the hole, it would have to find another one, but it seemed like no one had been there for a while.

Chip went into the hole. It was ten feet in diameter, seemingly thirty in depth. A large hollow spot within the tree... exactly what it was looking for.

Turning on its light, it searched around for anything that could make it a bad idea to stay there. Realizing that there were only bats sleeping in the hole, it changed to sleep mode, and awaited for a week. If fairies could find it in there, it wasn't a good idea to build a refuge.

A week passed by. Seven days with their nights, the bats coming and going. But nothing found it.

Therefore that was a safe spot. Chip rolled out of the hole.

J&ette_Troll belongs to Khrixi.
Archmage_Bael belongs to Mara.
Stabs belongs to all other characters.
Thanks for the chars, guys!


RECORD 2 --> I'M A BAD NEIGHBOR

And when it did, it found two fairies looking at the entrance. One of them had average skin, the other one was fair. The average fairy had chestnut hair around her shoulders; the fair fairy had dark red hair. Chip quickly recorded their faces and made note of their eye colors... the dark fairy had green eyes, and the fiery fairy had... gray eyes. Peculiar.

"[DATA EXPUNGED]" Chip thought to itself.

-You finally came out!- the average fairy said.- What've you been doing in there?

Chip didn't answer.

-We've never seen anything like you before. What are you?- the fair fairy asked.

-THIS IS UNIT OM-40 ALSO ANSWERING TO "CHIP".

-Hi, Chip!- the fair one giggled, putting on a sly smile.

Chip didn't answer.

-I'm Khrixi. And she's Mara.- the other fairy said.

-ACKNOWLEDGED.

-Well, what are you? I haven't seen anything like you before. Hmm - you're not alive. Oh! You're a golem, right?- Khrixi asked.

-I'M AN OM-40.

-A what?

-A ROBOT.

-Oooh, like one of those metal things!- Mara said teasingly.

-YES.

-Cool!- Mara smiled.

-What!? You know what this thing is!?- Khrixi snapped.

-More or less, but I'm fuzzy on the details... so...- Mara shrugged.- what is a robot?- she asked Chip.

-NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.- it quickly answered.

-You're a... "robot" and you're here, so it DOES concern us.- Khrixi replied, frowning.- What exactly are you?

-I'M A ROBOT.

-You've already told me that! What is a robot?

-A ROBOT IS AN AUTOMATON BUILT FOR A PURPOSE.- Chip replied.

-So you're a golem? I already asked you if you were a golem!

Chip quickly determined it was probably a waste of time to try to explain it to them.

-YES, I'M A GOLEM.

-No it's not. It's not magical!- Mara pointed, nudging Khrixi.

-Hey! What was that for?!... oh, I see...- Khrixi smiled.- You're not a golem. I totally knew it.

-THEN I'M NOT A GOLEM.

-I'm serious, what are you?! If you don't tell me I'll just eat you!- Khrixi spat, starting to look angry.

Chip decided for a moment between "I'M A ROBOT" and "DO YOUR WORST, BITCH." Frankly, the second one would get the point faster, but it would also mean burning a bridge. He was supposed to deal with all predators in a respectful manner.

-I'M A ROBOT.

-I KNOW you're a robot. But what is that!?- Khrixi asked, exasperated.

-A ROBOT IS AN AUTOMATON BUILT FOR A PURPOSE.

-No. That's a golem, stupid.- she pointed. Mara looked away. His anthropology files judged that as "thinking about something".

-THEN I'M A GOLEM.

-No. You're not. You have to be magical. Everyone knows that.- Khrixi said, Mara put her finger to her lips and hummed.

-THEN I'M NOT A GOLEM.

-Well what the hell are you!?- Khrixi asked, angrily.

-I'VE ALREADY ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION.

Mara suddenly blinked.

-Okay, I'll have to guess by the way you taste!- Khrixi spat, pointing at it. Shortly after, there was a disagreement between the dimensions, and by the time it was done, Chip was in her hand.

-Khrixi, wait!- Mara exclaimed, but Khrixi quickly stuffed the annoying thing in her mouth. She sloshed it for an instant and then spat him out violently.

-WAGH!- she snarled.- dat huzt, you weettle...- she was bleeding out of her mouth.

Mara looked at the thing on the branch, near their feet. It had a very effective defense against being eaten: the spinning, jagged steel disk coming out of a slot on its side.

-ANYTHING PERCEIVED AS DEADLY FORCE WILL BE MET WITH DEADLY FORCE. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.- Chip issued from the ground.

-We'll see about that you little...- Khrixi was about to bring her foot down on it, when Mara held her from behind.

-No, don't! It'll hurt your foot.- Mara said.- Use magic, disable it before you eat it!

-I know, I'm not stupid.- Khrixi spat.- Take that!- she growled, stepping back. Several green stalks rose around Chip, covering themselves in a swiftly thickening layer of bark.

"INITIATE GARDENING" it thought to itself, lifting itself from the ground and turning its saw horizontal. The stalks advanced towards him; Chip rolled towards the base of one stalk, and spun in a circle, sawing it clean off its base. Then it rolled towards another, and chopped it in half. By this time one of the little stalks was worming its way towards him; with a single turn, fixing its base on the ground, it cut off the top of the stalk, then rolling towards it, Chip sawed it clean off.

But there were seven more growing all around, unchecked, without it being able to hurt more than one at a time, and from the stump of the first one two stalks had burst, growing rapidly towards the little silvery object.

-Run, run, yah little punk!- Khrixi smirked, now a small figure around Chip's size sitting on the branch. Then she gasped.- Look out behind you!

Chip's backwards-facing camera found nothing.

-THERE'S NOTHING BEHIND ME.- Chip squeaked, rolling in all directions and running around in the branch.

-Oh, you got me there.- Khrixi shrugged. Then one of the stalks finally tapped Chip, spreading around the metallic layer and sticking to it. It got on the same piece that held the chainsaw, too, so there was no way for Chip to get any leverage against the large stalk.

-Any last words, jerk?- Khrixi asked, smiling.

Chip quickly judged his possible choices.

-NO.- it said. Then a hatch opened on top of it, showing a large cannon.

-What the hell!?- Khrixi said out loud for a moment, before it started spewing burning, oily stuff all throughout the stalks. She tried to control them, but they had all withered from the inside out from the heat. Chip was released, and after getting on its rollers, surrounded by a sea of burning stalks, it pointed its saw towards her.

-BECAUSE THOSE AREN'T MY LAST WORDS.

-Well, let's kick it up a notch, then.- Khrixi grinned.

Chip was shrunken, and so far it had only faced small stalks. But while he faced off against those baby stalks, some of them had been growing unchecked on the underside of the branch. And now, a normal-sized branch had just came crashing down on it. He narrowly dodged, getting away from Khrixi.

-What's the matter?- Khrixi grinned, again towering over him from over the branch, filling a large portion of his visual field.- Too much plant?

Chip swiftly rolled away from the branch, trying to get back in the burrow. At the time it couldn't fight anything real-sized. And it looked like everything wanted to fight now. But running didn't work. The branch twirled upon itself, and upon dodging it, another one whipped around Chip and caught it. The bark tightened and thickened, curling and uncurling, pressing upon its sides, probably snapping its metal anytime now... lifting it towards Khrixi's eyes...

-Well, how's that for working smart?- Khrixi grinned.- Bet you never saw that one coming, did you? I think I'm going to crack you like a nut for that...- she licked some blood off her lips.- Easiest fight ever.

Chip judged its fighting chances again. Once more it brought out its tiny flamethrower... and aimed it at Khrixi. It fired. Khrixi just turned a little, and the burning oil missed its mark by far.

-Pfft, that's pathetic.- Khrixi shrugged.

-Okay, stop this.- Mara sighed.- Khrixi, this isn't funny anymore. I got it. It's a robot. It's not magical, but otherwise like a golem. And pretty hard, too.- she smiled.- Now stop bullying the little thing, it never had a chance and you're not going to eat anyway.

-Oh, come on, I'm having fun... she said, lifting her fingers. Then she raised her thumb and index, and started closing them in. The branch around Chip swelled, its metal plates started creaking in protest. The glass in its windshield formed one crack... and another... and another...

-Stop, you're going to break it!- Mara exclaimed.

-So?

-Well, if you break it, we can't show it to anyone else. It looks pretty cool, anyway.- Mara smiled.

Khrixi thought about it.

-Okay...- she sighed, shrugging.- I think we both know I won.- she said, smiling triumphantly at Chip.- I'm going to be... big about it, and forgive you for this little insult. Don't you ever forget it, dumbass!

-ACKNOWLEDGED.

-By the way, what did he taste like?- Mara asked, as they turned around.

-Horrible.- Khrixi said.- Awfully hot, too smooth, rigid, ahd completely tasteless... I wanted to chew a little, see if it was juicy on the inside, you know, like a fruit, but it cut my mouth before I could.

-Damn, now I'm curious as to how he is on the inside too...- Mara whispered.- We'll have to try it someday. But right now, we better get that cut looked at... ("I wonder what he's like inside~" Mara whispered. "I bet he ripens. you know, like a fruit!" how about that? XD)

Chip's hearing was sufficient to catch on to what they were saying, but only up to that point. Now all it knew was that it was shrunken, and locked inside a large wooden loop that had started to break its inside supports.

BAD STUFF #1
SOMEONE WANTING TO EAT THIS UNIT JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY
HAS HAPPENED

BAD STUFF #2
THIS UNIT SUSTAINING PERMANENT DAMAGE
HAS HAPPENED

UNDESIRED RESULT #1
SOMEONE FINDING THIS SPOT
HAS HAPPENED

UNDESIRED RESULT #2
SOMEONE ALERTING THE FOREST ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF THIS UNIT
HAS HAPPENED

PLAN A HAS BECOME IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE OF FORESEEN UNDESIRED RESULTS
RESORT TO ENACTING PLAN B UNTIL NEW NOTICE

DAMAGE CHECK:

-MEDIUM STRUCTURAL DAMAGE (NO FUNCTIONS COMPROMISED)
-ROTARY SAW HEAVILY COMPROMISED (BRING OUT THE SPARE)

"I wonder what he's like inside~" Mara whispered. "I bet he ripens. you know, like a fruit!"

Khrixi just gave Mara a weird look for a moment. Then she shrugged. The two of them took flight and left.

======

The unit waited for a few hours until its size returned, bursting out of its confines. Then it got to work, extracting its spare rotary saw and pulling out its belt sander, putting one eye to its level meter. This place would need some work before it was ready for use as a base.

If it started working quickly, it could get the supply depot up by morning and the turrets by lunchtime.

It's an intriguing story
I loved the part about determining if it's a golem or a robot. I imagine a machine cold, logical mind is about as far as you could go from a fairy mind XD
I'm curious to see where it will go ^_^

"Archmage_Bael belongs to Mara"

I wasn't aware I belonged to her XD

Crisis and Anna belong to Karbo. Something else too, but I don't remember what it was.

RECORD 3 ---> NOW SHE THINKS I'M STUPID

Chip worked day in and day out. The first thing it did after replacing its rotary saw was finding a smaller branch, wrap itself around it with its hooks, and saw it off. Then it brought the branch to the hollow, and in there, clasped it with two pincers and saw it into wooden planks.

Then it tied the planks together and left them to bake in the sunlight. Green, live wood didn't work for constructions, his construction files were very clear on that. While the wood hung there to dry, Chip used its belt sander to smooth out the ground on the large branch, getting a respectably even surface around thirty feet wide. Once there was an even surface, it unrolled a large, thick rubber carpet, which got nailed to the smooth ground with the nailgun that the robot carried.

By 6:00 AM in the morning, Chip had a very respectable project. Until the wood was dry, it couldn't get to work in the walls, but before that happened, it was as good time as any to place the atmospheric collector and the solar panels. Thankfully, they hadn't been damaged in the fight with Khrixi, because Chip had left them inside the hollow. No point in lugging all that stuff around. He just moved up as high as possible, and placed the solar panels, lowering a line throughout the tree, then adding a power socket right next to the hollow's mouth.

By 7:00 AM in the morning, the robot had hit a snag. It was probably time to start its REAL mission.

ENACTING PLAN B

PLAN B STAGE ONE:

STEP ONE- CONSTRUCT A SMALL DEFENSIBLE LOCATION
OBJECTIVE: BE DISCOVERED BY PREDATORS
- ON HOLD

STEP TWO- SOCIALIZE WITHIN REASONABLE LIMITS WITH PREDATORS
OBJECTIVE: BEGIN NEGOTIATIONS
- INITIALIZING

Well, Chip had something to work with there. Two fairies had already found it. They'd come back. And this time, Chip'd be prepared.

Pulling out of its body a large power drill, Chip pointed it at the ground and drilled a long hole. Then, the robot put a screw down the hole it had just drilled.

Clamping a pincer tightly to that screw, Chip became impossible to shrink, nailed down like a dryad. Probably, the scent of fresh woodwork would bring a predator in anytime soon.

It entered energy savings mode, while planning on where to place the storehouse and the support devices.

======

Oddly enough for its expectations, no more predators had found it by the time the wood dried. Two in a week, fairies, was a good record, probably. In hindsight, giant predators had to be a thousand times rarer than large predators.

The atmospheric collector gathered a litre of water, and the solar battery was full. Plugging itself to the socket, Chip regained some energy, and then kept working, pulling the planks up, socketing them in a narrow channel it dug in the surface and filled with glue. It wasn't firm ground, or brick, but it would do until it had a better idea.

Once it was done zoning the bar, kitchen, four bedrooms, two bathrooms and the two extra zones just in case, Chip started with the indoor walls, working with a swift, unflinching, five-armed pace and precision that no artisan could ever hope (or want, as it reduced the task to a chore rather than an art) to match. Armed with another roll of sandpaper and varnish, the robot put a smooth finish on the walls. Then it made an inventory of the materials it would need to complete the place.

Including, but not limited to, a washing machine, a few chairs, and a steel vault door. But all of those were secondary to its main task, which didn't look any closer to completion than it used to be.

A sudden vibration in the air told the robot that the situation was about to be remedied. The melodious pitch indicated a sentient being.

-I HEARD YOU! Stop shouting, I can't hear my own thoughts!

-It's this way, it's this way! Come on, Anna, I know you love this technology stuff!

-How do you know?

-You're always working on your machines...

-How do you know it's this way?

-A fairy told me!

-And how do you know it's there?

-I went and took a look! I'd have just brought it to you, but it was rooted like a tree...

-I think you meant nailed down.

-Yeah, that! It gives off a funny feel, too, the branch's all black, rough, and warm, like some of Vivian's to...

-That's too much information, Crisis!- the first voice protested.- Look, let's just get this over with.

-Aww, then you're not really happy to see some tech?

The first voice sighed. Then two creatures appeared in view.

-Hey, look, it's moving!- the second creature said. She was... a blonde naga, who had wrapped herself around the closest tree.

-OH. IT'S YOU.- Chip said, recognizing the impish predator from its files.

-It talks, too? It wasn't doing that when I got here!- Crisis grinned.- Oooh, look! It's building a house, that's so cool!- she laughed, looking up.- I think it's missing the roof, though... so, what is it?

The other creature took her time crawling up the tree's trunk, before grabbing the branch where Chip was. Then she pulled herself up. Pink hair and an expression that suggested she was not amused were all that Chip bothered noting. She squinted with knowing eyes.

-It's a robot.- Anna hissed.- They should've been sending them some time ago.

-GREETINGS. I'M CHIP.

-Right. Greetings.- Anna said, unimpressed.

-I'm Crisis. She's Anna. Anna, where are your manners?- she asked.

-It's a robot, Crisis, it's not a person. There's no need for manners with it.- Anna sighed.- An OM-series, I think, probably 20 or 30. Not even interesting.

-And what's a robot?

Anna pursed her lips for a moment, looking interested, as she tried to find a way to put it.

-A ROBOT IS AN AUTOMATON BUILT FOR A PURPOSE.- Chip said, Anna briefly smiled in approval.

-Ah, a golem.- Crisis said. Anna let out a short hiss.

-THEN I'M A GOLEM.- Chip said, before Anna's surprised eyes.

-But you're not magical...- Crisis pouted.- So you can't be a golem.

-THEN I'M NOT A GOLEM.

-So what's a robot?

-Hmm...- Anna once more began struggling with the definition.

-A ROBOT IS AN AUTOMATON BUILT FOR A PURPOSE.

-A golem?

-LET'S GO WITH THAT.

-But you have to be magical to be a golem.

-THEN I'M NOT A GOLEM.

-And that makes you?

-A ROBOT.

-And what's a robot?

Anna started mumbling something, but she was cut off; Chip answered too quickly.

-A ROBOT IS AN AUTOMATON BUILT FOR A PURPOSE.

-A golem?

-LET'S GO WITH THAT.

-But you have to be magical to be a golem.

-THEN I'M NOT A GOLEM.

-And that makes you?

-A ROBOT.

-And what's a robot?

-Argh, stop before you break it!- Anna shouted, waving her arms frantically.- Crisis, it's a robot, it's not a golem, that's all you need to know!

-But I was just talking!- Crisis protested.- Can you break it that way?

-You break things just looking too hard at them!- Anna growled. Then she turned to the robot.- What are you doing here?

-I'M CARRYING OUT MY PROGRAMMED ORDERS.

-What are your orders?

-MY PROGRAMMED ORDERS ARE TO BUILD A HIDEOUT, OR, IN CASE THE SPOT TO BUILD IN WAS FOUND, CONSTRUCT A RANSOM POST AND BEGIN PRENEGOTIATIONS WITH PREDATORS.

Anna's face contorted into an angry scowl.

-Prenegotiations? What prenegotiations, exactly?

-Yeah, what? I feel kind of left out here!- Crisis exclaimed.

-MY PROGRAMMED ORDERS ARE TO TALK TO PREDATORS, AND TO NEGOTIATE SEVERAL HUMANS' RELEASE.

-Whose release? Who exactly? I don't understand, what are you going on about!?- Anna frowned, looking more and more red every moment.

-CONCEPTS INVOLVED JUDGED A BIT LONG FOR A NAGA'S MIND. WOULD YOU CARE TO HEAR THE LONG EXPLANATION, OR THE SHORT ONE?

Anna was obviously a bit ticked at the comment. She bared her teeth. Crisis giggled a little, probably finding it funny that a machine could annoy Anna without her help.

-Give me the long story.

-ACKNOWLEDGED.- Chip said.- THE CONCEPT HERE IS TO KEEP A CONSTANT STOCK OF MATERIAL JUDGED OF PREDATOR INTEREST. AT ANY TIME, IN EXCHANGE FOR CAPTURED LIVE HUMANS, THAT MATERIAL WILL BE SHARED WITH THE CATCHER.

Anna gulped, angrily.

-So this'd be like a shop where you pay with humans?

-YES. THAT WAS THE SHORT EXPLANATION; MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE ASKED FOR IT.

Anna grimaced.

-I still don't understand.

-THEN YOUR INTELLECTUAL CAPABILITIES ARE INSUFFICIENT TO USE THIS SERVICE.

She bared her teeth for the briefest instant.

-I mean I don't understand why! Why'd anyone do this?

-TO SAVE HUMANS.

-Ah... that's a fun idea!- Crisis laughed.- But I'd rather eat them.

One of Chip's cameras turned to Crisis.

-IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE MORE THAN A HUMAN?

Crisis thought for a moment.

-How about two humans?

-ACKNOWLEDGED. MAKING LIST... TWO HUMANS FOR ONE HUMAN. WOULD YOU ANSWER ANOTHER QUERY?

Anna cringed a little.

-Sure!- Crisis smiled.

-WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP TWO HUMANS FOR?

-Hmm... four humans!

-ACKNOWLEDGED. MAKING LIST... FOUR HUMANS FOR TWO HUMANS. WOULD YOU ANSWER ANOTHER QUERY?

Anna's mouth fell agape at this; she let out a throaty gasp, as if she'd stubbed an inexistent toe.

-Sure!

-WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP FOUR HUMANS FOR?

Crisis pursed her lips for a moment, and then raised her hands, counting with her fingers a little.

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... eight humans!- Crisis said.- Could you give me eight humans?

-ONLY IF YOU CAN GIVE ME FOUR HUMANS.- Chip answered.

-Cool! Should I bring them right away?

-I DON'T HAVE ANY HUMANS RIGHT NOW. MAKING LIST... FOUR HUMANS FOR TWO HUMANS. WOULD YOU ANSWER ANOTHER QUERY?

At this point, Anna was just shaking her head, finally saturated with the sheer stupidity of the situation.

-Sure!

-WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP EIGHT HUMANS FOR?

-Ah, that'd be more humans? Eight times two is eighteen!

-EIGHTEEN HUMANS. ACKNOWLEDGED. EIGHTEEN HUMANS FOR EIGHT HUMANS. WOULD YOU ANSWER ANOTHER QUERY?

-I'd give eighteen humans if you could give me eighty!

-ACKNOWLEDGED. WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP EIGHTY HUMANS FOR?

Throughout this display of cold, ruthless logic and lack thereof, Anna had sat there, staring disapprovingly. If there was anything more shocking than seeing a robot rebel against human rule and using them as currency, it was hearing someone say that eight times two was eighteen. Or that eighteen times two was eighty. Frankly, at this point, nothing could surprise her.

-Umm... for eightwo humans!

Okay, it could.

-Crisis, that's not a number!- Anna cried, turning to the robot.- Is something broken inside you!? Don't you see you're LOSING humans that way, you piece of trash!?

-NO. I'M SAVING HUMANS.

-You're giving her two humans for every human she brings you!- she said, raising two fingers.

-INCORRECT. EIGHTEEN DIVIDED BY EIGHT IS NOT TWO, EIGHTY DIVIDED BY TWO IS NOT EIGHTEEN.

-That's beside the point, you're giving her more humans than...

-AND EIGHTY MULTIPLIED BY TWO ISN'T EIGHTWO, ANNA. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO USE YOUR FINGERS TO COUNT BEFORE ARGUING WITH ME.

Anna's brow twitched for a moment, as she let out a short screech, pulling on her hair.

-What the hell is wrong with you!?- she cried.

Chip stopped for a moment, leaving Anna to hyperventilate at the marvelous display of perfect harmony between machine and matter. Artificial stupidity seemed to have been designed precisely to compliment natural dumbness, though Crisis had suddenly started to look less than amused too.

-WOULD YOU PLEASE ANSWER A FEW QUERIES?- it finally asked.

Anna's face was red with frustration. She shook her head for a moment, trying to dispel the mind-numbing haze of stupidity.

-What do you want?

-WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP A HUMAN YOU JUST CAUGHT FOR?

-I don't catch humans!- Anna spat.- Don't you know who I am!?

-YOU ARE A PREDATOR, YOU HUNT HUMANS.

-I don't hunt humans!

-YOU ARE A GIANT NAGA. GIANT NAGAS ARE PRED...

-I'm not a giant naga! I'm human, you idiot! I'm Anna Demorah, a Deluran!

Chip processed the information for a moment.

-THEN YOU'RE A CANNIBAL?

-Nah, she's a naga.- Crisis interrupted, jumping towards the same branch where they were.- I'm trying to get her to hunt humans, too, but she doesn't want to.

Chip finally accepted the information, before Anna's face.

-THEN SHE DOESN'T HUNT HUMANS?

-THAT'S CORRECT! Correct! That's what I've been trying to tell you!- Anna cried.- Crisis, I never thought you'd be good for something...

-THEN HOW DOES SHE EAT HUMANS?

-I DON'T!- Anna shouted, at the top of her lungs.

-I feed her some from time to time.- Crisis added.

Chip stopped for a moment, while Anna seemed to have considered a different set of ideas.

-THEN TELL ME, ANNA, WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP EATING A HUMAN FOR?

She finally sighed and shook her head, putting on a sick grin. She laughed for a moment.

-Alright. It's broken, no need to get mad about it.- she suddenly lunged upwards as far as her tail would lift her, clenching and raising her fists.- We'll just break it good, and then make it anew...

Crisis suddenly had a rush of inspiration, which put something of a smile in her face.

-Anna, don't! Don't destroy it!- she cried.- Don't you see?

The surprise even managed to calm her down.

-What are you seeing, Crisis?- Anna asked, amazed.- It's the first time I've seen you care about a machine!

-It trades things for humans, right? You know how much you like duikers?- Crisis put a hand to her chin.

-Yeah, so?

-Well, you can tell it to change duikers for your humans. That way, you'd finally get some practice hunting them!

-ACKNOWLEDGED. YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN FROM THIS CLEVER LADY HERE, ANNA.

-Well, thank you!- Crisis smiled briefly.



Anna blinked, staring blank-eyed at both the blonde monster in front of her, and the contraption almost underneath her.

Those two complimented themselves pretty well. Together, they had accomplished what neither could on its own.

They finally broke her brain.



Shaking, she shouted as she rose to her full height, and raising her hands to swat the bug, she arched back, hit her head on the tree, lost her balance, fell off the branch, and hit the ground, rolling on the floor shouting.

-WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER?- Chip asked.

-Oh, she does that a lot...- Crisis pointed.- Don't worry about it, she usually calms down soon.

True to Crisis' word, Anna calmed down. Then she got her bearings, rose, and rubbed her head. Chip didn't forget to make an observation...

-WOULD YOU GIVE UP A HUMAN FOR SOME ASPIRIN?

Once more, Anna's scream pervaded the forest.

-IBUPROFEN?

Grabbing her head and rolling on the ground, trying to get the stupid out of her ears, Anna finally had to slither away.

-OPIATES?

Looking down, Crisis' smile disappeared as she saw her friend wander away into the distance.

-Maybe I went a bit too far?- she wondered, looking at Chip.- But she really doesn't want to eat humans.

-ACKNOWLEDGED.

-You shouldn't have teased her like that either.- Crisis said, noticing the robot was completely still.- I think she's really crying now.

-ACKNOWLEDGED.

-She's not stupid... please don't call her stupid. She's the smartest amongst all my friends, she's smarter than I'll ever be...- she said, looking away, and then back at him.

-ACKNOWLEDGED.

-She doesn't count with her fingers! She doesn't HAVE to!- Crisis insisted.- She can do lots of numbers in her head, really quickly... and she understands things very fast, but... then she has to know why, so she says she doesn't understand, but what she means is that she doesn't understand WHY, it took me a lot of time to figure that one out, and sometimes I make her really upset because I don't really get her...- she sighed.- I say I understand, but only because I'd never even think about asking why, and I don't really know why either! It's not she's stupid, she just... she's that way when she cares...- Crisis reddened, frustrated both at the limits of her own eloquence and at her stoic, uncaring audience.

-YOU ALREADY TOLD ME THAT.

Looking at Chip, she blinked. He still didn't answer. A shadow of a grimace peeked over her features.

-Why can't I feel you, anyway?

-I DON'T KNOW WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

-Usually, I feel all the people around me, but you...

-ROBOTS ARE NOT PEOPLE.

Crisis raised her eyebrows.

-Really?

-REALLY. AS ANNA TOLD YOU, ROBOTS ARE MACHINES.

-So you're a machine?

-YES.

-Like the ones she always makes?

-ANNA MAKES MACHINES?

-Yes, she's always making machines. I don't know half of the stuff she does, it's very fun to play with, but they... they don't talk...- she mumbled, uneasy.

-ACKNOWLEDGED.- Chip said, noticing her smile was flexed a bit harder than usual.- CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

-Hm?- Crisis asked, her smile disappearing, and being replaced by pure bafflement.

-TELL ANY FRIENDS YOU HAVE TO MEET ME.- Chip said.- I WANT HUMANS, IF THEY WANT SOMETHING, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT.

Crisis looked at him, a shiver running down her colossal spine. Then her face hardened a little.

"So... this is a human-eating machine?" she wondered to herself. "But it's been really mean to Anna, and it doesn't even care. It was fun at first, but I guess... it's really not a person." she shook her head. "I'll have to apologize to Anna later... I really went too far this time."

-O-hm.- she said, not very convinced.- Bye!

Then she quickly slithered down the tree's trunk. Chip watched her leave, proceeding to sort all the information it had just acquired.

======

OBSERVATIONS:

REPORTED: ANNA WOULD GIVE UP A HUMAN FOR DUIKERS.
AFFIRMATION: CRISIS WOULD GIVE UP A HUMAN FOR MORE HUMANS.

INFORMAL ERROR #4198: GIVING UP A GREATER NUMBER OF HUMANS FOR ANOTHER NUMBER OF HUMANS IS INEXCUSABLE UPON FURTHER SCRUTINY.
OBSERVATION: SUBJECT "ANNA" DOES NOT CONFORM TO THE USUAL PREDATOR PROFILE.
CONJECTURE: DID INFORMAL ERROR #4198 REGISTER TO SUBJECT "ANNA"?
CONJECTURE: WAS THIS WHAT CAUSED HER TO SHOW OUTWARDLY SIGNS OF RAGE AND FRUSTRATION?

SCRAP LIST AS FAR AS CRISIS IS CONCERNED

AFFIRMATION: JUST LIKE CRISIS SAID, ANNA IS A LOT SMARTER THAN ASSUMED AT FIRST
CONJECTURE: NOW SHE THINKS I'M STUPID

...

OBSERVATION: SUBJECT "CRISIS" SHOWED SIGNS OF UNEASE AROUND THIS UNIT, BUT ONLY ALONE
OBSERVATION: SUBJECT "CRISIS" CLAIMS TO FEED SUBJECT "ANNA" WHEN NECESSARY
AFFIRMATION: SUBJECT "CRISIS" CLAIMS "ANNA" WORKS REGULARLY WITH TECHNOLOGY
OBSERVATION: INTERACTIONS BETWEEN "CRISIS" AND "ANNA" ARE NOT NECESSARILY FRIENDLY
CONJECTURE: "CRISIS" FINDS "ANNA" COMFORTING IN MATTERS SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND DESPITE HER ATTITUDE

OBSERVATION: "CRISIS" AND "ANNA" ARE PRIMARY IN EACH OTHER'S ATTENTION DESPITE THE PRESENCE OF A THIRD PARTY
OBSERVATION: SUBJECT "CRISIS" SHOWED AN ATTITUDE CHANGE TOWARDS "ANNA" WHEN SHE LEFT, FROM TEASING TO DEFENSIVE
CONJECTURE: "CRISIS" AND "ANNA" ARE LOVERS

PROGRAMMING A COURSE OF ACTION...

PROGRAMMED COURSE: CATCH SOME DUIKERS
STABLISHING MOST EFFICIENT MEANS TO ACHIEVE COURSE
-2% COMPLETE

SIMULTANEOUSLY PROGRAM FUTURE COURSES OF ACTION

-ACKNOWLEDGE ERROR #4198 TOWARDS ANNA AND APOLOGIZE
-CONSTRUCTING APOLOGY
("Anna" "I'm sorry" "for")
-ERROR #4199 - APOLOGIZE COMMAND- NO APPROPRIATE REASON FOUND
-APOLOGIZE ANYWAY? Y/N
("what I said." "It was" "inexcusable upon further scrutiny.")
-ADD A FRIENDLY COMMENT
("By the way, Crisis and you make a nice couple, you obviously were made for each other.")

-DUIKER HUNTING TECHNIQUE 3% COMPLETE
-PROCEED WITH CONSTRUCTION UNTIL DUIKER HUNTING TECHNIQUE 100% COMPLETE[i]

Oh, dear. That robot's conjectures. What a way to pacify Anna.

On a somewhat more serious note, I do like the way Crisis spoke up for Anna and showed how much she appreciates and respects her... once she was out of earshot. That was almost touching.

Yeah, I see... glad you found it amusing.

As for Crisis, almost touching you say? Well, next time, they'll be even closer to touching! No, not that kind!

I had always wondered just how much did Crisis exactly care for Anna. I know she's nice to her friends, I wasn't really sure whether she'd be SO open about herself. I know reverse changelings* like Crisis are more like fairies, and fairies aren't the kind to hide their feelings... it took me a lot of work to justify that one to myself. I'm guessing Crisis would've done that one before AND in front of Anna, and maybe it worked the first time, but by the third or fourth time, Anna would've told her to take a raincheck, because she'd no longer have believed it meant anything other than "calm down".

If Crisis really meant it, though, she'd still say it. And if she cared about Anna, she'd say it without annoying her any further. I'll have to admit, though, that the real reason I put it was just because I liked it.



*fairy children that have been swapped for human children while in the cradle, thus raised by humans, in mythology, if I don't recall wrong. Conversely, a "reverse changeling" would be anything raised by fairies, get it?

Stabs wrote:

As for Crisis, almost touching you say? Well, next time, they'll be even closer to touching!

Ah, poor phrasing on my part.

Quote :

I had always wondered just how much did Crisis exactly care for Anna. I know she's nice to her friends, I wasn't really sure whether she'd be SO open about herself. I know reverse changelings* like Crisis are more like fairies, and fairies aren't the kind to hide their feelings... it took me a lot of work to justify that one to myself. I'm guessing Crisis would've done that one before AND in front of Anna, and maybe it worked the first time, but by the third or fourth time, Anna would've told her to take a raincheck, because she'd no longer have believed it meant anything other than "calm down".

If Crisis really meant it, though, she'd still say it. And if she cared about Anna, she'd say it without annoying her any further. I'll have to admit, though, that the real reason I put it was just because I liked it.

Most people are complex, sometimes illogical and contradictory. I think it was true to character. Although of course I'm not the one to say.

That meeting between those three was very funny and very well done
Robot logic

I want to see what will happen if someone gives it a logic loop / paradox. Would it break, develop a memory leak (a computer program that consumes memory but is unable to release it back to the operating system) or just give up?