My first attempt at a char (constructive critisicim PLEASE)

Name: Roxanne

Race: Giant Naga

Age: ? (Need help with ideas that fit her charecter)

Height: 105 feet

Appearance: Roxanne is a odd sort of naga, appearing completely black in her lower half, with faint red accent lines. She always wears a small, revealing top, but never goes nude (reason explained later)

Breif bio: When Roxanne was young, her mother was killed in... mysterious circumstances. The now orphaned nagaling (who never knew her father) fell through a dimensional rift, accidently ending up in a village where they had never seen nagas, and didn't know the danger of adopting one.

As the years passed, Roxanne far surpassed her friends ing growth, and in hunger. It was about then that farm animals started going missing. Roxanne denied any connection, of course.

One day, as Roxanne walked with her friend (name: Delix Nickname: raindrop) they came across another dimensional portal. Roxanne suddenly had a flashback, she remembered seeing one many years ago...

"This is it." She said, looking at it with shock on her face.

"What?" Raindrop could never keep up with her, and it showed. He huffed up beside her, and then he saw it.

"This is where I came from."

"You mean... Whatever is on the other side of this... portal..."

"Is my home. Go back to the village. I will explore this."

"No way. This is you and me. If you go, I go."

"It might be dangerous. If there are others like me..."

"Oh, please. You're harmless."

"What about that one time-"

"C'mon! She deserved it!" Raindrop chuckled to think back at that time Marla, the town queen bee, tried to pull a prank on Roxanne, and very nearly ended up in her belly.

"I almost went through with it!"

"But you didn't. I'm sure the others will be no different."

"You- You sure you want to come?"

"Yes. We are friends. That's what we do."

And with that, they went through the portal. As the days passed and they explored deeper into this facinating realm, Roxanne noticed that people tended to skirt around her. "I wonder what their problem is." Roxanne thought aloud.

Their adventure was short-lived, though. One day, as they were travelling, Roxannes stomach grumbled.

"Go catch something, Anne. I'll wait here."

"You sure?"

"Yes. what could happen?"

but somthing was destined to happen. When Roxanne returned, Raindrop was no where to be found. She called out his name, and there was no answer, she looked around, but he was not there.

She searched for three days before she found them. Slavers. They had Raindrop tied up, and she could tell he was hurt. Probably beaten into submission.

Rage hit roxanne, harder than ever before. She pouncedfrom her hiding spot, destroying the party and crushing the slavers. Finally, it was down to her and one other.

"Leave now! Or he dies!" The slaver grabbed Raindrop, holding a knife to his throat.

"You let go of him!"

"Or what?" the slaver smirked.

"Or... Or... Or THIS!" Roxanne quickly grabbed him, and did what came naturally. She threw him into her mouth, and swallowed.

Boom! The taste was exquisite, but nothing compared to the feeling of something struggling inside her. Her predatory instincts took over, and the entire party, slave and slaver, were devoured. It was only then that she realized what she had done.

Roxanne still laments the death of Raindrop, ecpecially since it was at her hands. She sobbed for days and nights, until she met up with a group of faries. They taught her hunting, and how Humans were food, not people. She eventually gave up on people as anything more than a snack, though she still feels horrible about Raindrop. She still wears her shirt, as a reminder of her best friend.

Personality: Roxanne is fircely loyal and protective of her friends, going to the point of laying her life down for them. However, most of the time she is very lighthearted, and will make jokes even if someone's life is on the line. She is completely honest, and if she says she wil do something, you better believe it will happen. Kind to those she likes, though cruel and cat-like to those she preys upon, Roxanne is a force to be reconed with.

(Thanks for reading! Leave criticism below!)

I'll try, if you'll let me.

Roxanne wrote:

Age: ? (Need help with ideas that fit her charecter)

Well, she was living amongst... humans, right? If it was a village, doubt she'd have been allowed to hit twenty without getting married. We'll assume nagas hit 105 feet when full grown at 50, so she'd need 50. We can do the maths on how big she was at every stage later. There's also Tora044's Negeyari, who grew faster because she wasn't in Felarya, but I dunno if you'll want to follow suit.

Roxanne wrote:

Appearance: Roxanne is a odd sort of naga, appearing completely black in her lower half, with faint red accent lines. She always wears a small, revealing top, but never goes nude (reason explained later)

This might sound lecherous. I don't intend to. I think a skirt would be more important than a top; have you seen the Felaryan design for nagas?

Roxanne wrote:

Breif bio: When Roxanne was young, her mother was killed in... mysterious circumstances.

NOoooOOO! When will they find a cure!?
On the other hand, Devil's Thorn is mysterious enough, if you would check the wiki's plant life section.

Roxanne wrote:

As the years passed, Roxanne far surpassed her friends ing growth, and in hunger. It was about then that farm animals started going missing. Roxanne denied any connection, of course.

Was... there anything else to her diet? What else did she eat besides farm animals? According to my calculations, a naga eats for a small metropolis. You could raise the angst factor by pointing out that the farm animal disappearances were reaching critical levels and she was acting guiltier (or not) every day: it'd give her more of an incentive to wander into a portal. Also, it would be necessary for her to have someone with a LOT of farm animals to mooch off. That kind of people is easy to piss off, you just have to eat their farm animals without paying for them- or eat their farm animals, even the ones that aren't meant for eating, like horses or oxen.

Roxanne wrote:

And with that, they went through the portal. As the days passed and they explored deeper into this facinating realm, Roxanne noticed that people tended to skirt around her. "I wonder what their problem is." Roxanne thought aloud.

I'd... sooner let a sleeping dragon lie, miss, but giant nagas aren't skirted around. Giant nagas aren't even to be skittish around. Giant nagas aren't something you avoid eye contact with, in Felarya, giant nagas are like grizzly bears or wild buffalo. You make sure you never meet one, because the moment you do you might very well die. Most people who meet one die.

Roxanne wrote:

"Go catch something, Anne. I'll wait here."

Wait. He used to call her Anne?

Roxanne wrote:

but somthing was destined to happen. When Roxanne returned, Raindrop was no where to be found. She called out his name, and there was no answer, she looked around, but he was not there.

She searched for three days before she found them. Slavers. They had Raindrop tied up, and she could tell he was hurt. Probably beaten into submission.

Congratulations to her, then. Not only did she manage to search for 3 days, but also she actually found them! You might want to point out that she has some skill at tracking, or some special ability, so that you might have a little more about her.

Roxanne wrote:

Boom! The taste was exquisite, but nothing compared to the feeling of something struggling inside her. Her predatory instincts took over, and the entire party, slave and slaver, were devoured. It was only then that she realized what she had done.

Roxanne still laments the death of Raindrop, ecpecially since it was at her hands. She sobbed for days and nights, until she met up with a group of faries. They taught her hunting, and how Humans were food, not people. She eventually gave up on people as anything more than a snack, though she still feels horrible about Raindrop. She still wears her shirt, as a reminder of her best friend.

Hmm. I think you forgot to point out what was his relationship to her shirt. Also, I think we need more slavers, at the rate they're getting eaten we're gonna run out of them. The background doesn't work without them, though: who else would take him away and keep him alive? I don't think a tribe of cannibals would do the trick.

Roxanne wrote:

Personality: Roxanne is fircely loyal and protective of her friends, going to the point of laying her life down for them. However, most of the time she is very lighthearted, and will make jokes even if someone's life is on the line. She is completely honest, and if she says she wil do something, you better believe it will happen. Kind to those she likes, though cruel and cat-like to those she preys upon, Roxanne is a force to be reconed with.

Her too? Most of those things are something we assume around here unless given data to the contrary. Flaws in character would be more meaningful, even quirks. I take it she's judgemental. On the other hand, you might want to point that she isn't the type to give up easily- really, 3 days of tracking? Congrats there, that's more important to point out than laying down your life. Also, being willing to eat farm animals that didn't belong to her has to play a role there. Did she pick someone she didn't like to eat his farm animals, or was she guilty about eating them off people she did like?

Roxanne wrote:

(Thanks for reading! Leave criticism below!)

Nope!

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There's also Tora044's Negeyari, who grew faster because she wasn't in Felarya, but I dunno if you'll want to follow suit.

Just to clarify. Negeyari aged at an accelerated rate due to an artifact inside the wizard's tower she used as a home. That artifact was shut down once everyone figured out what was going on.

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That kind of people is easy to piss off, you just have to eat their farm animals without paying for them- or eat their farm animals, even the ones that aren't meant for eating, like horses or oxen.

Also, depending on the size of the village, that could begin to cut into everyone's' food supply. Would probably be best if she learned to hunt, and went out and preyed on large, non-farm anilmals. Deer, bears, etc etc.

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I'd... sooner let a sleeping dragon lie, miss, but giant nagas aren't skirted around. Giant nagas aren't even to be skittish around. Giant nagas aren't something you avoid eye contact with, in Felarya, giant nagas are like grizzly bears or wild buffalo. You make sure you never meet one, because the moment you do you might very well die. Most people who meet one die.

Yeah, there'd be a lot more yelling, screaming and bargaining for their lives, assuming they didn't just outright hide from her until she passed.

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Roxanne still laments the death of Raindrop, ecpecially since it was at her hands. She sobbed for days and nights, until she met up with a group of faries. They taught her hunting, and how Humans were food, not people. She eventually gave up on people as anything more than a snack, though she still feels horrible about Raindrop. She still wears her shirt, as a reminder of her best friend.

Personally, i feel this is the biggest weakness in the bio.

This is a woman that grew up around humans, was raised by them and was best friends with one. I just can't see any sane person just dropping all that because a bunch of fairies said so. It just seems a little too...convenient. She just gives in and becomes another run of the mill naga. I just feel like you're missing out on a lot of potential. She's a human-raised naga in a strange land. Her friend is dead and most humans (the people she was raised by and probably considers HER people, more than nagas) only see her as a deadly monster. There's a lot to work with there. Guilt, for example. Not just the simple guilt of killing her friend, but potential guilt for bringing him along in the first place, for urging him into the situation, for being so concerned about herself that she let a friend fall into danger and die. Maybe she thinks coming through the portal was really a terrible idea? Maybe all she wants to do is go back home? Maybe, after actually seeing the land of her origin, she realized it wasn't all she thought it would be? Maybe she hates it?

Just random ideas anyway. Having her go "Well, humans aren't really people. Omnomnom" and then basically becoming another average naga living in the jungle just seems like a waste, especially considering the origin story you set up for her.

When I wrote that last bit, I was incredebly tired (past 2:00) and forgot to add some things. Roxanne was raised by humans, yes, but spending time in Felarya had made her cold and insensetive. still, it doesn't seem to make sense, does it?

/me goes to work on a re-write

Thanks for the comments! They are rally helpful.

It's alright IMO except for the part where she eats Raindrop... it deosn't make any sense. Why was her badass-sounding "OR THIS!" not followed with her eating the slaver instead? It would be much more productive in terms of her goal of rescuing her friend and allow just as much for her "predatory instincts" to kick in meaningfully.
I understand, though, the significance of him being killed somehow - perhaps she eats both of them in a bloodthirsty rage, or finds him dead already? Those were the first things to pop into my head, perhaps you can think up a better one, but either way I recommend an alternative.

Maybe if you had her ALMOST eat raindrop, and eat the rest of the slaver party? She would at least see the slaves as human, maybe even the slavers too. Feeling them get digested and almost eating her best friend would still be fairly traumatic. If Raindrop stuck with her (that's what friends are for!) afterwards then maybe she has to struggle with not eating him every time she gets hungry? And maybe the fairies are villains, or just a fairy, who try to convince Roxanne that humans are food by eating her companion?

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afterwards then maybe she has to struggle with not eating him every time she gets hungry?

It doesn't even need to be that extreme. Honestly, the fear of it would be the worst part. The fact that she could actually do it, the fact that she almost did it, and that her friend could do nothing to stop her. You don't need to have huge physical urges to show the issues human-raised (or human-sympathizing) preds have. You can do things more subtly, more psychologically.

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And maybe the fairies are villains, or just a fairy, who try to convince Roxanne that humans are food by eating her companion?

Once again, it wouldn't even need to be that simple. A fairy who doesn't view humans as people isn't necessarily evil, she's just...a fairy. They have a very peculiar way of looking at the world. I doubt she'd try and eat Raindrop if she befriended the naga. Fairies are not the strongest-built hybrids around, but nagas are. It would be sort of like Crisis and Anna's relationship, with one of them sympathizing with humans, and the other just not getting it because of her upbringing.

EdgedWeapon wrote:

Maybe if you had her ALMOST eat raindrop, and eat the rest of the slaver party? She would at least see the slaves as human, maybe even the slavers too. Feeling them get digested and almost eating her best friend would still be fairly traumatic. If Raindrop stuck with her (that's what friends are for!) afterwards then maybe she has to struggle with not eating him every time she gets hungry? And maybe the fairies are villains, or just a fairy, who try to convince Roxanne that humans are food by eating her companion?

I have to say on the subject of the slavers, and with Raindrop this seems like the most logical option and way to go with things. That's at least my thought on the matter, I hope we can see somethings get fixed up here.

I have to say this is a interesting design. I thought she was fairl;y basic when I saw her bio until I read it. o.O Amazing how you fit a dramatic story into a bio. I mean I was captivated. I was a little saddened when she ate him, but isn't that the point of what you were tying to convery? Anywho the part where she just lets fairies tell her what to do isn't realy all that realistic. I mean a naga who lived with humans may have a slip up, but it doesn't mean she has to change in one day. Like maybe have her contiously have to choose between "Food or freind" would be better. Just my two cents worth.

Personally, I feel it's a bit abraisive to put a story like that in the bio. As a reader, I'd look for something more consice in a bio, but then again, I'm very impatient. ^^;