My Characters

Oh, poopy, I forgot to check that character out yesterday. Anyway, this is more of a nitpick, but the "wouldn't say her weight" or "it's rude to ask a woman her weight" is very old and uninspired. Just omit her weight entirely instead of putting something utterly meaningless in its place.

Now for the actual critique. I'm not gonna list the typos, because it's better if you're the one who looks and corrects them. First, I like her personality. I generally enjoy outspoken characters because I think they liven the story a lot. I also like how she's already shown character development. Hatred for a particular species after a tragic event, then realizes that he long-term goal is simply impossible and goes for something, if in her case it's marginally more realistic, more reasonable. Second, I do like the design of her sword. I assume it's similar to the Brilliant Energy ability in D&D, and if it is, I would put a note that while her sword bypasses matter, it's useless against magic barriers and such. Third, I enjoy how a tiny is used for what tinies does best. Making the best of one's natural features is always swell.

Now for the negatives. Her backstory bugs me, specifically the part where the nekos spare her. Why did they spare her and torture her exactly? It makes no sense they did it because it was her wedding. The nekos had nothing to gain from it. It feels like a contrivance to make them look like complete monsters for no other reason than to make us sympathize with her more.

If you want my suggestion, you should write that the nekos attacked at the wedding, and that her husband ultimately died trying to give her the chance to escape. Her particular hatred for nekos playing with their prey being, after she had gotten away, she looked back and couldn't help but watch as her husband was played around like a toy before being swallowed whole and alive. After that, Nina wandered around aimlessly in absolute despair. You get the same results, only it's more believable.

I'm sure you were expecting it, but you need to cut down on the explicit D&D references. By which I mean the Plane of Shadows. Things like a Shadow Jump and Darkvision are specific abilities, so referring them by name isn't that bad, I do it in my own bios, but in the case of the latter, as it's very close to using shadows to create illusions and turning invisible in darkness, you should condense such powers together into a single ability, mainly the manipulation of shadows.

In addition, you shouldn't refer to the Shadow creature as an undead, because it's going to immediately ring a bell that it shouldn't happen. I know that Shadows are not corpses, but to allow it to fit in better, you should instead refer to it as a creature made of pure darkness, similar to a darkness elemental.

Overall, it's a decent character and her only fault lies in an early part of her backstory. The other problems are only learning how to make her bio more polished, which aren't faults of the character, just tips that you gotta pick up to make her descriptions better.

Name: Nergal

Original name: Videl

Age: Unknown

Race: Human Male

Size: 5'7"

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Personality: Nergal is a calm, intelligent, and slightly eccentric individual. He does not anger easily, and prefers to deal with situations with as little bloodshed as necessary. While it may not
seem like it due to his fanatical devotion to the idea of bringing peace by killing everyone, he does not enjoy killing people for no reason. He believes that people should try to find whatever
enjoyment they can from life and live well so that they do not have regrets when the time comes for them to die.

He holds the lives of the people who serve under him in the highest regard, and will not willingly sacrifice them for no reason. Due to a case of PTSD brought on from his time serving in his country's military as a youth, Nergal is unable to feel love towards others, and has a hard time feeling emotions in general. It was also the war that brought on his PTSD that made him realize that true peace could only be found in death.

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Appearance: Nergal has short, dark brown hair, grey-ish green eyes, and lightly tanned skin. He wears a black cloak over his normal clothes most of the time. Under his cloak, he could be wearing anything, from a suit and tie to a tie-dye shirt and jeans. Really, he will just wear whatever he feels like, and does not care what others might think. The only thing that always remains on is his cloak, the belt he uses to carry his extra weapons and equipment, and a pair of black gloves that have
spindles of microfilament wires embedded into them.

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Equipment:  Nergal carries a variety of items, including  smoke grenades, herbs, and a few guns.

List of Herbs he carries.:

 

His main weapon is a pair of gloves with microfilament wires embedded into them. The wires are ultra-sharp, super-thin, and very difficult to destroy. They can easily cut through skin and some scales. He also carries a pair pistols.
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Likes: Power, knowledge, peace, bugging giant predators, sharing his knowledge with others, romantic comedies, musicals, books, most music, and playing music at seemingly inappropriate times.

Dislikes: Chaos, people who destroy knowledge, people who are too close-minded to learn anything new, horror films, pointless death, and country music.

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Abilities:

Nergal is a Psion, and as such, most of his abilities deal with attacking the mind. However, he can manipulate his surrounding
as well.

Abilities:

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Fighting Style: Nergal's main weapons are a pair of gloves with spindles of microfilament wires embedded into each finger on the glove. The wires  are very hard to break, can cut through skin and scales with varying degrees of ease, and are coated
in Crunierlon sap.

He uses his psionic abilities to manipulate the wire however he wants, kind of like how a Dryad manipulates their vines.  Alternatively, he can use them to create a small barrier around himself
that can be used to stop blades from piercing him, or tangle opponents up, kind of like a net would. This form is best used while standing still, however Nergal can move if he wants, though it will
make it more difficult for him to use the wires for more precise attacks.

He mixes this with Psionic attacks, particularly Psychokinesis, if he's fighting more then one person, and Mind Reading, if it's a one-on-one fight.

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Personal Quotes: Life is chaos, peace is death. There is an undeniable truth to that fact. I have never seen any species, no matter their intelligence, live a perfectly peaceful existence where they do not harm others. The simple act of eating involves killing and harming others. Death, on the other hand, is peaceful. I have never seen or heard of a dead person harming another.

Ok, finally got around to fixing up Nergal's bio to where he's usable. I had to change a few things about him in the bio to fit his actual personality better. Tell me what you think.

First off I can't believe he abandoned his saber and didn't make at least a substitute. >.< Second...Awesome bio! It's short, but informative and I like the choice of weapons and tools. Gives me ideas for his Dentverse appearance, even though there he will be Sith! =P Cause it'd be the first time one was one of Dave's party members. Can I expect a altered Valandil bio this awesome as well? Oh and I saw what you did there as tribute to your "Real Nergal" and "Darth Nergal" forms in Walfas XD Very funny.