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 'She Who Dares Wins'

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jedi-explorer
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Ilceren
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeSat Jul 13, 2013 6:09 pm

I see you are consistent in that you write pretty long chapters XD Now that I'm kinda free, I think I'll have time to continue reading your story, as I promised. You've got some critique coming (soon)!
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeSat Jul 13, 2013 7:18 pm

i know the chapters are quite large XD, but I find in this kind of story it's needed if the reader has any hope to understand what's going on. A story like this can get easily convoluted and over complicated (probably already is, but noone has said anything so far) so I find the extra wordage is required to let the story breath, and to let some information be visualy communicated and flow naturly and comfortly, if I tried writing the stories shorter, then alot of the plot would have to be squeezed into info dumps and everything would be just told to the reader, not experaiced.

And I rather not split the chapters up into smaller segments and have it become like 'DragonBall Z' where it takes several chapters to cover one story point. It would make a single chapter not very satifying in my opinon.

Though dispite the size I do hope the story doesn't lag, I do make every effort to make sure almost there is no padding.
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeSun Jul 14, 2013 6:55 pm

Well, I read the second chapter. I think you've been able to convey the right atmosphere when it was needed, and it was funny to see the two Nekos going around about the Tinies. The thing about narrating Stewart's digestion up to that point may hurt a few people, but you already know that. I also like how you portrayed the characters during the flashback.

The little things I corrected are as follows (if you'd prefer that I sent you this through PM instead from now on, just tell me):

She slowly crawled across the room along the front wall, being careful not to tear a hole in her Opaque tights, knocking around the flooring as she went.
She slowly crawled across the room along the front wall, being careful not to tear a hole in her opaque tights, knocking around the flooring as she went.

-
She found where the floor felt lose and wrenched the plank lose using her fingers.
(Those two "lose" may be a bit too close to one another.)

-
The Tomthumbs barely acknowledged Rachel’s existence, [...]
The Tomthumbs barely acknowledged Rachael’s existence, [...]

-
She fully backed out from the table, got up and placed the jar on the nearby window still and then turned to her attention to the tabletop.
(Maybe you meant "window sill" instead of "window still".)

-
I am not going to change simply because it contradicts the viewpoint of an Neko born on another world, [...]
I am not going to change simply because it contradicts the viewpoint of a Neko born on another world, [...]

-
And though experience you know, as much as I do that the creatures out there are just as sapient as any other humanoid.
And through experience you know, as much as I do, that the creatures out there are just as sapient as any other humanoid.

-
But none of that doesn’t stop you from taking on messages while I am away, making sure I complete the assignments, balancing the budget, helping with the research or enjoying the salary!
But none of that does stop you from taking on messages while I am away, making sure I complete the assignments, balancing the budget, helping with the research or enjoying the salary!
(I think this double negative is wrong, but check it just in case. The other option would be just deleting "none of" and keeping the rest the same.)

-
Winona turned around and started marching towards her office, taking a moment to unsling her handbag from her shoulder and threw it onto one of the drawing room’s sofas
Winona turned around and started marching towards her office, taking a moment to unsling her handbag from her shoulder and throw it onto one of the drawing room’s sofas.

-
“That Sociopath does my head in!”
“That sociopath does my head in!”

-
She reached over for her closed ISD issued work laptop that she kept on the desk, planted her index finger over a small sensor built into the lid and the laptop unlocked.
(You have used the "that she kept" just at the end of the previous sentence, so it may be a bit soon to use it here. I suggest a "had" instead of "kept".)

-
Winona shutdown the laptop and closed the lid.
(I think that "shutdown" should be written "shut down", but maybe I'm wrong.)

-
She removed the draw completely from the desk, revealing that the floor underneath it’s space had the floor planks removed, She reached down and pulled out a jar of Tomthumbs out of the secret compartment below.
She removed the draw completely from the desk, revealing that the floor underneath its space had the floor planks removed. She reached down and pulled out a jar of Tomthumbs out of the secret compartment.
(I don't think you need to repeat that it is below, it may be a bit redundant.)

-
Two of them young men and one was a young woman; they lay at the bottom of the jar.
Two of them were young men and one was a young woman; they laid at the bottom of the jar.

-
[...] startling them into waking up and making them press their backs against the inner wall of the jar, staring up at jar in fear.
[...] startling them into waking up and making them press their backs against the inner wall of the jar, staring up at her in fear.

-
Your mission is to taken into containment in the tight and secure location of the construct you see before you.
Your mission is to be taken into containment in the tight and secure location of the construct you see before you.

-
She lightly pats her belly.
She lightly patted her belly.
(Tense consistency.)

-
She gets a grip of the jar with one hand, and then twists the lid off with the other.
She got a grip of the jar with one hand, and then twisted the lid off with the other.
(Tense consistency.)

-
She held the creature between her index finger and her thumb by the neck of it’s jacket and brought it up to her face.
She held the creature between her index finger and her thumb by the neck of its jacket and brought it up to her face.

-
And with that she slowly opened her jaw wide open, sliding her tongue out as she did.
And with that she slowly opened her jaw wide, sliding her tongue out as she did.

-
That wouldn’t be another helpless Tinie you’ve just put in your mouth by any chance would it?
That wouldn’t be another helpless Tinie you’ve just put in your mouth by any chance, would it?

-
She opened her jaw wide and stuck her tongue out, giving Rachael a good view of inside her mouth to exemplify her point.
She opened her jaw wide and stuck her tongue out, giving Rachael a good view of the inside her mouth to exemplify her point.

-
“Alright,” Rachael said reaching her arm out and held her hand open “Hand me the jar.”
“Alright,” Rachael said reaching her arm out and holding her hand open “hand me the jar.”
(Not sure about how commas and capitals work when split by a narration.)

-
“Oh, This table?”
“Oh, this table?”

-
“So you want me to hand me over the jar of Tinies that is on the table that is in front of me?”
“So you want me to hand over the jar of Tinies that is on the table that is in front of me?”

-
As a chair-person of the Tinie support movement I have to remind you in this house I am the one with jurisdiction [...]
As a chair-person of the Tinie support movement I have to remind you that in this house I am the one with jurisdiction [...]

-
[...] able to just about make out the words out of the Neko that he was inside over the sound of it’s own heartbeat and breathing; the other voice was too inaudible to make out.
(The "make out" expression is repeated twice with little space between them, I suggest you change the second occurrence. On another hand, I think a voice is very well heard in every point inside a person's body, since the vibrations are transmitted more efficiently through solids and liquids than air. Besides, if you mention her breathing to be an oclusive factor when he's trying to listen, then the voice should be about as loud as that breathing. Maybe some consonants would be harder to make out, but the vocal sounds should be pretty clear.)

-
Suddenly Stewart’s surroundings started moving, everything moving like an earthquake as he was flung to and through about the stomach, being knock over right into the surrounding liquid every time.
Suddenly Stewart’s whereabouts started moving, everything shaking like an earthquake as he was flung to and fro about the stomach, being knocked over right into the surrounding liquid every time.
(I took the freedom to change the repeated words. Check to see if you like the ones I chose.)

-
Winona gave out a cry of surprise as went down as well.
Winona gave out a cry of surprise as she went down as well.

-
Gareth emerged from under the surface of the fluids, sitting up.
Stewart/He emerged from under the surface of the fluids, sitting up.

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Winona lost grip of the Jar when she feel flat on her face on the ground, the Jar rolled freely across the room, The two Tinies inside enable to do anything but scream, pinned to the inner surface of the jar as the force of the acceleration forced them to roll with the jar at the same felicity.
Winona lost grip of the jar when she fell flat with her face on the ground. The jar rolled freely across the room. The two Tinies inside were unable to do anything but scream, pinned to the inner surface of the jar as the force of the acceleration forced them to roll with the jar at the same velocity.

-
The Tinies fell down to the side the Jar now rested on, their heads still spinning from the experience.
The Tinies fell down to the side the jar now rested on, their heads still spinning from the experience.

-
Winona gasped; she wiggled her legs out of Rachael’s grasp and started crawling on hands and knees towards the direction of the Jar.
Winona gasped; she wiggled her legs out of Rachael’s grasp and started crawling on hands and knees towards the direction of the jar.
(I'd say the bolded text is not right. It should be more like "crawl towards the location of" or "crawl in the direction of", I think. Maybe "crawl towards the jar" is the simplest and best way to put it.)

-
Winona screamed in pain
Winona screamed in pain.

-
Rachael maintained her Grip of Winona’s tail while getting up to her feet; [...]
Rachael maintained her grip on Winona’s tail while getting up to her feet; [...]
(Also, just a comment, maybe there are a bit too many semi-colons in this part of the narration.)

-
Rachael yelped, raising her leg up so she could hold it. Hopping on one leg in agony.
Rachael yelped, raising her leg up so she could hold it. She hopped on one leg in agony.

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Stewart was thrown side to side of the dark chamber as everything started shaking, the liquid contents hitting them every time he came in contact with it.
(The second part of the sentence, the one after the comma, doesn't make much sense. What does the liquid hit? The only plural I see in the sentence is "everything", and it doesn't fit the liquit to hit everything if and only if the tiny comes in contact with it.)

-
Winona’s eyes widened open, she brought her hands to her throat and started coughing and spattering.
Winona’s eyes widened; she brought her hands to her throat and started coughing and spattering.

-
The male Tomthumb was caught inside the Larynx, preventing any air from passing through it.
The male Tomthumb was caught inside the larynx, preventing any air from passing through it.

-
Stewart, who’s clothes had pretty much had dissolved and was in great pain as the fluids around him worked on his flesh, [...]
Stewart, who’s clothes had pretty much dissolved and was in great pain as the fluids around him worked on his flesh, [...]

-
As he did he lost all senses and slipped out of consciousness.
As he did, he lost all senses and slipped out of consciousness.

-
[...] the two Tinies flew out her mouth like a bottle cork, shoot across the room and went straight through the windowpane by the game desk [...]
[...] the two Tinies flew out her mouth like a bottle cork, shot across the room and went straight through the windowpane by the game desk [...]

-
Winona sat legs crossed on one of the Sofas in the drawing room.
Winona sat legs crossed on one of the sofas in the drawing room.

-
Her head still throbbed, even though ten minutes had past.
Her head still throbbed, even though ten minutes had passed.

-
She mumbled, closing the mirror lid down by closing her hand.
(The two "closing" are a bit close to one another.)

-
She calmly stabs her joint into an ashtray that was on the table and stood up.
She calmly stabbed her joint into an ashtray that was on the table and stood up.

-
“Heh, See? Tears, Just like what I said.”
“Heh, see? Tears, just like what I said.”
(I think you should decide to keep either the "like" or the "what", but not both.)

-
If your acts get out to the public and he higher-ups come down on you [...]
If your acts get out to the public and the higher-ups come down on you [...]

-
When Rachel had gone into her bedroom. Winona bent down and [...]
When Rachael had gone into her bedroom, Winona bent down and [...]

-
She put on the ring on the index finger of her right hand and picked up one of the picture portraits with one hand, gently caressing the face within.
She put the ring on the index finger of her right hand and picked up one of the picture portraits with the other hand, gently caressing the face within.

-
The frame held the photograph of a young blond haired male Neko, with brown eyes and tanned skin
The frame held the photograph of a young, blond haired male Neko, with brown eyes and tanned skin

-
“Sorry I haven’t talk to you in a while, I am sure you know how busy I’ve been.”
“Sorry I haven’t talked to you in a while, I am sure you know how busy I’ve been.”

-
She places the Portrait back down and reached into one of her waistcoat pockets and pulled out a pack of trading cards.
She placed the portrait back down and reached into one of her waistcoat pockets to pull out a pack of trading cards.

-
She places the new pack along with the collection of cards.
She placed the new pack along with the collection of cards.

-
[...] and stared longingly at the empty seat on the other side of the table. Remembering the person that used to sit there, who should still be sitting there.
[...] and stared longingly at the empty seat on the other side of the table, remembering the person that used to sit there, who should still be sitting there.

-
Your defensives are falling and soon you will be mine!
Your defenses are falling and soon you will be mine!

-
[...] and loosening a few of the top buttons to her yellow pajamas, slowly revealing her bust.
[...] and loosening a few of the top buttons of her yellow pajamas, slowly revealing her bust.

-
[...] while she watched Shaun get up from his seat and walked over to the phone.
[...] while she watched Shaun get up from his seat and walk over to the phone.

-
“Make sure nothing disturbs the peices while I am gone.”
“Make sure nothing disturbs the pieces while I am gone.”

-
As he turned away Winona wrapped her arms under his underarms, clinging onto him from behind.
(Did you mean "forearms" or are you referring to a piece of clothing? "Armpits", maybe?)

-
[...] gently grabbing his tail playfully and felt it as it slithered through her fingers.
[...] gently grabbing his tail playfully and feeling it as it slithered through her fingers.

-
[...] while staring at the chess pieces that are still in the same place as they were back then ten years ago.
(I'm inclined to change that "are" into a "were", since the narration is talking in a past tense. However, I think it'd be better if I just point it out then let you decide.)
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeThu Jul 18, 2013 4:27 pm

Thanks for your corrections Ilceren, and while I am at it, thanks for everyone that comented so far. Very much appreciated!

Ilceren wrote:
The thing about narrating Stewart's digestion up to that point may hurt a few people, but you already know that.

Well not sure if hurt would be the word I'd use. But I definitely wrote it like that to challenge the reader, and I am clearly not doing it to criticize the main core aspect of Felarya as I clearly into the vore stuff myself. It's that for a character like Winona, I don't want to glose over her actions by having stewart be digested quick and cleanly like other writers would do. It makes her more ambiguous as a vore character if I make her actions have more apparent consequances.

I don't think something like that would upset anyone as long as it's clear that I am not trying to wreck the world Karbo created, and I think I've shown enougth respect for the world by trying to root the characters into the lore and keeping many of the typical Felarya themes such as amusing characters and a sense of adventure and danger.

Ilceren wrote:
I also like how you portrayed the characters during the flashback.

Yes, so far that flashback has to be the most enjoyable to write. It was a nice change of pace to show Winona in a different light as a more fun loving, sassy woman before the loss of her husband changed her. Also it differs from other stories that explore deceased loveones because most felarya stories I've read focous on the grisly death of said characters, not so much on who these characters were and what they meant to the surivor. So with my flashback I tried to convey the relationship as much as possible in the short time I had, I don't really have to show how Shaun died, the sense of lost is enougth.

Ilceren wrote:
On another hand, I think a voice is very well heard in every point inside a person's body, since the vibrations are transmitted more efficiently through solids and liquids than air. Besides, if you mention her breathing to be an oclusive factor when he's trying to listen, then the voice should be about as loud as that breathing. Maybe some consonants would be harder to make out, but the vocal sounds should be pretty clear.

Not so sure, the Lungs would be right on top of the stomach while the vocal cords are up in the throat, so I thought if anything the sounds of outgoing air would be louder than the sounds from the throat. Though really no Felarya story is 100% realistic in this area, most writers seem happy to have their characters inside a predator to be perfectly audiable to everyone outside enougth to have conversations (and yet the stomach walls are too stick for them to cut through)
But other than that I've corrected most of what you have pointed out.

I am fine with keeping the comments to the thread
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 16, 2013 4:17 pm

You have some more corrections coming! XD
I liked this third chapter a lot as well, very clever. There are some nice ideas for gear and items too, I can see you've put much thought into these things before writing the chapter. Saskia must have a good eye judging people, what would have happened if they turned out to not be greedy and just took off with the fairies? It could have been trouble XD

Here you have the corrections. If you find this system a bit time-consuming when correcting, then drop me a note and I'll see what I can do. I just do this because it's fast and easy to use while reading.

Audree fumed, causally pointing a finger to herself and zapping himself back to three inches.
Audree fumed, casually pointing a finger to herself and zapping herself back to three inches.

-
Audree cut of mid sentence and turned her head.
Audree cut off mid-sentence and turned her head.

-
This is a ploy to tag me when I least suspect it isn’t it?
This is a ploy to tag me when I least suspect it, isn’t it?

-
No seriously, pay attention, it’s faint and I didn’t notice it before but it’s there.
No, seriously, pay attention. It’s faint and I didn’t notice it before, but it’s there.

-
Kyle paused for an moment and consentrated, his face lit up.
Kyle paused for a moment and concentrated. His face lit up.

-
Oh your on!
Oh you're on!

-
As Audree shot past tree, a steam like gas engulfed her, one breath of the weird fumes was enough to make her cough and spatter uncontrollably. Kyle, only a few seconds behind had no time to react to the gas […]
As Audree shot past a tree, a steam-like gas engulfed her. One breath of the weird fumes was enough to make her cough and spatter uncontrollably. Kyle, only a few seconds behind, had no time to react to the gas […]

-
[…] looking through the inferred scope that was attached with his automatic shotgun.
[…] looking through the infrared scope that was attached with his automatic shotgun.
(Infrared is the word I think you may have planned to use. If not, then ignore this.)

-
Tiny pin head sized breathing holes in a circular pattern morphed into the metallic lid and a series of green lights built all around the side of the lid lit up a green glow.
Tiny, pin head-sized breathing holes in a circular pattern morphed into the metallic lid and a series of green lights built all around the side of the lid lit up with a green glow.

-
The Gwen said to her partner, giving him the thumbs up.
Gwen said to her partner, giving him the thumbs up.

-
[…] make some cash on the side, but these two are all we need”
[…] make some cash on the side, but these two are all we need.

-
Guess she appreciates how hard and expensive it is to capture the little bastards.
("appreciates" seems to me like it doesn't fit much in the context of the sentence. Maybe "knows", "realizes"; maybe even a past sentence like "learned" or "discovered".)

-
She most likely wants to play it safe and not gamble putting us in big much of a risk of trying to capture a load of them.
She most likely wants to play it safe and not risk putting us in much danger by trying to capture a load of them.

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[…] but then again most our clients tend to be tight lipped on their intentions.
[…] but then again most of our clients tend to be tight lipped on their intentions.

-
“Be glad to get back home, something about this trip seems off.” Gwen said, reaching for an device that was stuck to the trunk of the tree just above her head height.
“Be glad to get back home, something about this trip seems off.” Gwen said, reaching for a device that was stuck to the trunk of the tree just above her head.
(I don't really get the "Be glad" part. Is she telling that to her partner? Judging from the context of the rest of the sentence, I would have expected her to talk about herself; "I'm glad to be going back home", rather than that. On to another matter, I took out that "height" at the end because it seemed redundant. Give it a thought.)

-
Jarrett said carrying on walking to the tree opporsite and detaching an simular device that was placed there.
Jarrett said carrying on walking to the tree opposite and detaching a similar device that was placed there.
(That "carrying on walking" seems odd, but maybe it's just me.)

-
You’re paranoid, if something was […]
You’re paranoid. If something was […]

-
And woulden’t they have walked right into our trap?
And wouldn’t they have walked right into our trap?

-
a voice came from behind him.
A voice came from behind him.

-
Jarrett instinctively span around raised his shotgun.
Jarrett instinctively span around and raised his shotgun.

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Sophie untied the string and opened up the bag and pulled out a rainbow pearl.
Sophie untied the string, opened up the bag and pulled out a rainbow pearl.

-
Be Hasty though!
Be hasty, though!

-
We can get double the amount that we were orignally going to get.
We can get double the amount that we were originally going to get.

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Aw Gwen, your so naïve!
Aw, Gwen, you're so naïve!
(I'm assuming that "your" is not slang, since a fairy also used it earlier.)

-
she placed the container on the ground in front of her.
She placed the container on the ground in front of her.

-
Now give the pearls.
(Not sure about this one. I'm tempted to either make it "give me the pearls", but it may be part of her slang.)

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Oooooh, Hello small people!
Oooooh, hello small people!

-
[…] of the container, looking the terrified creatures up and down.
[…] of the container, looking at the terrified creatures up and down.

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It let’s them out.
It lets them out.

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Gwen said, pocketing the bag of pearls and walked back to where Jarrett stood.
Gwen said, pocketing the bag of pearls and walking back to where Jarrett stood.
(If you'd rather keep the past tense, then I suggest adding a comma before the "and".)

-
The woman didn’t get to far before she felt the end of Jarrett’s gun poke her in the back.
The woman didn’t get too far before she felt the end of Jarrett’s gun poke her in the back.

-
Jarrett said lowing his gun before gesturing for Gwen to come over.
Jarrett said lowering his gun before gesturing for Gwen to come over.

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Gwen was surprised to look down to see two unhappy faces staring back at her from inside the unsealed container.
Gwen was surprised to look down and see two unhappy faces staring back at her from inside the unsealed container.

-
Knelling down onto the grass, she dropped Jarrett’s shotgun […]
Kneeling down onto the grass, she dropped Jarrett’s shotgun […]

-
Pleased with the find, She grasped her hands together and looked up to the heavens.
Pleased with the find, she grasped her hands together and looked up to the heavens.

-
She was gulping down the contents of Jarrett’s Whisky Flask.
(I don't know if whisky is written with capitals in English, do as you see fit, but there's no mistake about flask XD)

-
Gwen then was falling; she closed her eyes and waited for the evitable.
Gwen then was falling; she closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable.

-
Mmm, the texture is delightful is it not?
Mmm, the texture is delightful, is it not?

-
Yeah, the plant disguises they were wrapped in really adds an arousing combination of flavors.
Yeah, the plant disguises they were wrapped in really add an arousing combination of flavors.
(Arousing, really? XD)

-
If only they all come like this.
If only they all came like this.

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They stared at her with uncertainly.
They stared at her with uncertainty.

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“Yeah, I am kind of an rarity.
“Yeah, I am kind of a rarity.

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Her hair grew down her back down to her back.
Her hair grew down to her back.

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She purred, grinning to show of her cat canines.
She purred, grinning to show off her cat canines.

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[…]if I am thinking about luring some delectable’s your way […]
(You sure that apostrophe is needed?)

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Audree grinned, putting the ring on. “We’ll be in touch.”
(I don't really see a fairy saying such a typical human [or humanoid] phrase, to be honest)

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I didn’t get you names by the way.
I didn’t get your names by the way.
(Not sure if it's slang, but well…)

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Since your giving a good pay, I’ll […]
Since you're giving a good pay, I’ll […]

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Saskia said, lifting her brandy glass and swigged it in one go.
Saskia said, lifting her brandy glass and swigging it in one go.
(Same as before, if you want to keep the tense instead, I suggest a comma before the "and".)

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You don’t mind if I was to enquire why you are so desperate to get your hands on some fairies?
(I don't think this sentence is wrong, but it could use a rewording maybe, more so considering it's coming from a fairy hunter. Sounds very 'Higher Tier'.)



P.S.: I'm starting to think we're going to beat some record on the length of a single forum page XD
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Nov 01, 2013 12:17 pm

I finally read the last chapter. A nice story again, DarkOne, good job. I see some of the pieces are starting to fit, even though we don't have many as of yet. I got a good laugh when I saw there again the two guys Winona had used as bait before. Poor folk. And we get to see her being crafty again with that interrogation, the thing with the fire was quite funny too. Though maybe the guy should be a lot more pained than you describe him to be, I think it's due to the enchantment Winona mentioned the cell to have, right?


I found few errors this time, here are the ones I noticed:

The head then shoot up to look at Daniel, caching off guard.
The head then shoot up to look at Daniel, catching (him?) off guard.

Solon slowly nodded, reached out and pushed two sheets of paper that was on the table towards Daniel.
Solon slowly nodded, reached out and pushed two sheets of paper that were on the table towards Daniel.

[...] of our special offer where we take the targets into the forest and let a nine foot Dridder eat them alive.
[...] of our special offer where we take the targets into the forest and let a nine-foot-tall Dridder eat them alive.

He then placed the stand on the on the table and then the globe on top of it.
He then placed the stand on the table and then the globe on top of it.

Pour the blood onto the globe and it will then from that point on show you their whereabouts until they die.
Pour the blood onto the globe and from that point on it will show you their whereabouts until they die.
(Rephrased for easier reading)

The moonlight light that managed to penetrate through the giant [...]
The moonlight rays that managed to penetrate through the giant [...]

One of Your predecessors is still recovering in therapy because of what she did to him.
One of your predecessors is still recovering in therapy because of what she did to him.

She slipped him an paralyzing drug, covered him with Paper mache [...]
She slipped him a paralyzing drug, covered him with Paper mache [...]

The door sign ‘ISD Director: Lord Cyrus’ briefly crossed their view as Bishop pushed opened the door into the office.
The door sign ‘ISD Director: Lord Cyrus’ briefly crossed their view as Bishop pushed open the door into the office.

He placed the phone onto it’s holder on his desk, and then run his fingers through his short dark blue hair.
He placed the phone onto its holder on his desk, and then run his fingers through his short dark blue hair.

I think we really should discuss your appalling behavior you’ve had over the last few months.
I think we really should discuss the appalling behavior you’ve had over the last few months.

From underneath the control panel she pulled out the breathing mask from before and loosely place it to her face.
From underneath the control panel she pulled out the breathing mask from before and loosely placed it over her face.

Daniel yelled, jumping to his feet and stretching out his arms towards Winona, he opened his hands and his palms started to glow.
Daniel yelled, jumping to his feet and stretching out his arms towards Winona. He opened his hands and his palms started to glow.

The provided wooden chair was the first to be consumed on it’s way towards Winona.
The provided wooden chair was the first to be consumed on its way towards Winona.

Now that’s Interesting,
Now that’s interesting.

After a few moments, water starting to rain down on Daniel from the ceiling sprinkler, extinguishing the fire.
After a few moments, water started to rain down on Daniel from the ceiling sprinkler, extinguishing the fire.

I not intimidated by you Mr. Bailey.
I'm not intimidated by you Mr. Bailey.

No matter, I’ll get you a more sturdier one.
No matter, I’ll get you a sturdier one.

[...] taken fifteen victims out into Dridder Forest and left them for a nine foot Dridder to externally digest them alive.
[...] taken fifteen victims out into Dridder Forest and left them for a nine-foot-tall Dridder to externally digest them alive.

We really didn’t expect it to as easy as going through the list of known assassin clans and sending agents to investigate.
We really didn’t expect it to be as easy as going through the list of known assassin clans and sending agents to investigate.

The only reason no one had caught you before was because you wasn’t a high priority [...]
The only reason no one had caught you before was because you weren’t a high priority [...]

You didn’t even do any background checks on your new clients when any of them could had been an uncover agent [...]
You didn’t even do any background checks on your new clients when any of them could had been an undercover agent [...]

Oh, and a little tip for you, Any killer that is a professional would had asked to be paid upfront.
Oh, and a little tip for you, any killer that is a professional would have asked to be paid upfront.

She found us and proposed that she would sell us an idea for an special service we could run [...]
She found us and proposed that she would sell us an idea for a special service we could run [...]

So this Elf, Did she ever give you a name?
So this Elf, did she ever give you a name?

As I said, She came to us.
As I said, she came to us.

Rachael said, “Placing a couple of papers onto Cyrus’ desk.
Rachael said, placing a couple of papers onto Cyrus’ desk.

Satisfied with it’s placement she then leant back in her seat.
Satisfied with its placement she then leant back in her seat.

Either way, Cyrus wants us back at H.Q so we can discuss our next move.
Either way, Cyrus wants us back at H.Q. so we can discuss our next move.[/u]
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DarkOne
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DarkOne


Posts : 967
Join date : 2012-04-27
Age : 39
Location : Smart predators don't reveal their positions

'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeSat Jan 25, 2014 2:48 pm

‘She Who Dares Wins’

Chapter Five: Identity Disorder



Saskia looked up at the great Negav city wall, she was so close she could barley see the large buildings that from a distance would be visibly towering from behind it. The new day was barely an hour old and so it was still dark. Strategically placed fixed glowing orbs lit up the massive city stone bridge over the Motamo River that Saskia had just crossed to get the city.

“Next!” called out the voice of one of the gate guards.

The person queuing in front of her went towards the stationed guards at the gate checkpoint. Saskia gazed over to the other side of the gate bridge, watching a horse drawn carriage exit the checkpoint from that end, heading the way out the city the way she came. Saskia reached into one of the pockets of the black and purple Hell Bunny Rock Tartan Dress that she wore and pulled out a pocket make up mirror. Flicking it open she admired her latest shape shifter disguise, Curly red hair instead of her usual black, cute green eyes where her purple ones used to be, and freckled fairly tanned completion replaced her ghostly white skin. She grinned at herself, loving her new pearl white teeth, much more attractive than her natural yellow ones.

“Next!” The guard called out again.

Saskia put away her mirror and walked up to the checkpoint, nearing the entry guard Saskia could see small group of heavily armed guards that stood on standby further in the gate, clearly to provide manpower if anyone who wasn’t welcome tried forcing their way in.

“Welcome to Negav.” The entry guard said, the soulless tone of boredom present in his voice, his eyes barely glancing away from the clipboard in his hands. “Have you already visited the city or is it your first time?”

“Och Aye, I’ve bin haur mony times.” Saskia said, easily dropping right into her current persona, complete with a distinct accent.

“Name?”

“Mah mammy named me Sheana Trotter. But a handsome laddie loch ye can caa me Shayshay.” Saskia winked.

“The guard lowered the clipboard and raised an eyebrow at her.

“Ms Trotter will do.” He said dismissively. “If you’ve been here before, then we should have your profile.”

He looked back down at the profile sheet on his clipboard.

”Sheana Trotter.” He called out.

The profile sheet morphed from the previous person’s into another existing profile. Saskia’s current face replaced the last person’s in the space reserved for mug shots and the details followed suit.

Name: Sheana Teàrlag Trotter
Race: Human
Gender: Female
Occupation: Traveling trader.
Residency: Safe Harbor.
Age: 35
Height: 4,9
Weight: 102lbs
BWH: - 36-24-36
Power Level: – ‘Non-existant’


“Is this information still correct?” The guard asked, turning his clipboard to Saskia. “Your occupation, your place of main residence, none of that has recently changed?”

“Th’ only hin ‘at has changed is ‘at mah chebs hae groon bigger.” Saskia said, placing both hands on her ample chest. “Reit fun bags they ur noo!”

“Yeah they’re lovely.” The guard said, humoring the weird woman. “Stand right between the gate to be scanned.”

Saskia did as instructed and walked right into the middle of the gate entrance.

“Strike a pose for your mug shot update.”

Saskia paused, smiled a huge cheesy grin and raised her hand up to her face, making a peace sign with her two middle fingers. A purple wall of energy shot from the left side of the gate, it phased through Saskia and disappeared into the right side.

“Appears that you’re not carrying anything obviously illegal.” The guard nodded, not looking up from the readings on his clipboard.  “The scan readings have picked up enchanted communication rings. I trust those are for your trading partners?”

“Aye, Ah am useless at hocus pocus myself.” Saskia smiled. “Ah tried readin' a speel book once, ah conjured a st'rm clood an' a lightnin' bolt stuck me oan mah erse. Ah didne e'en want a feckin' st'rm clood. Ah was actually tryin' tae conjure myself some neeps and tatties.”

“Really? How interesting.” The guard said uninterested, pulling a leaflet from a dispenser built into the side of the inside of the gate. “Here’s our our laws, terms and conditions, just in case you need to brush up on them.”

He handed the leaflet to Saskia.

“Have a good day.”

“Fare thee weel, my bonie lad!”

Saskia left the gate and proceeded further into the city. Wondering into the main street she casually glanced at the leaflet.

“Pfft!” She scoffed, crushing the leaflet into a paper ball with one hand and without even stopping to aim, she threw it over her shoulder, sending it flying back down the street and landed perfectly into a lidless litterbin twenty feet away.

“Swish.”



“This is a facial composite of the suspect based on further Intel gathered from Bailey and his clan.” Bishop said, handing out A4 sketches to the assembled group of agents and uniformed officers at their desks around the ISD boardroom.

Winona picked up her copy as soon as Bishop dropped it in front of her, the Elf looked as Bailey had described, long straight hair shaded in a teal shade of blue. Midnight blue shaded eyes. Very pale skin.

“She seems to be of Shamshi descent.” Winona said. “Possibly a crossbreed, her hair looks too bright to be a pureblood.”

“We tried running the census for any mug shots matching this sketch.” Cyrus said from his desk at the front, facing everyone. “No matches, which is why I’ve assembled this meeting.”

“Obviously anyone who can bypass our surveillance is a serious matter.” Bishop said. “Even if they give us false details, we should at least have the details of their gate scan on profile to match up with any witness accounts if they were to commit a crime. And the gates can detect any illusion shape-shifting magic or indeed any magic; no one comes in our out without us knowing something about them, not even our own agents. So the question of the day is, why is there absolutely nothing on the census about this ‘Sonya Tine’?”

“It’s obvious!” An agent said from the back. “The assassins clearly gave us false Intel, there’s no other explanation.”

“All members gave the same story as Bailey did, with a roughly similar description of the suspect.” Bishop said. “We’ve kept them apart since we captured them. The stuff that we sedated them with would have suppressed any telepathic or hive mind characteristics they might have possessed. They obviously never expected to be caught, so in all they shouldn’t have had the means or opportunity to plan a cover story between them and it’s highly improbable that all five members by chance made up the same story on the spot. And Bailey was interrogated by ‘Princess Flimflam’ over there.”

"Yo!” Winona gave him the thumbs up in response.

“And she’s better than any lie detector.” Bishop smiled and nodded back. “So the Intel must be legit.”

“Which only brings us back to the question of how the fuck this bitch bypassed the system?” Cyrus said, slamming his copy of the sketch angrily on his table.

“We all know the system isn’t perfect.” Bishop said. “Even if the high council likes to boast otherwise.”

“Our little friend must have tricked it somehow.” Winona mused, “Not with magic, it has to be something else. Something we haven’t encountered before.”

Cyrus sat in silence for a moment; right hand over his forehead. He took in a big breath and breathed out.

“Have you sent messages to our informers and contacts?” He then asked, his gaze not leaving his desk.

“I have ordered them to keep an ear out for the name Sonya Tine." Bishop said. "Maybe we will get lucky and our suspect will use the alias again at some point.”

“If she can bypass city security, then she could slip into the que for the Negav Dimensional Gate without being found out by the border control.” Cyrus said. “She could escape off-world without leaving any trails for us to follow. Heck, for all we know, she has already left.”

“But we have a massive advantage.” Winona said. “The public still thinks we are still searching for ‘Lady Theron’. No one outside the government knows she’s been found dead. So if the suspect is a local, she should still be in the city with no reason to suspect that one of her her assoicates was even involved with the kidnapping, let alone that it has been linked back to her. She won’t run as long as we don’t raise attention to ourselves."

“So where exactly do we go from here?” Racheal asked, sipping her mug of Tetleaf Tea at her seat next to Winona's.

“I say we have a little chat with the Dridder.” Winona said.

“The beast that you caught several days ago?” Cryus frowned. “Why talk to that wretched thing?”

“According to Bailey, our suspect befriended the creature before the whole scheme took place.” Winona said. “And since we have the creature now contained at the Research Division, we can simply send someone down there to persuade it into giving us Sonya’s true identity.”

“And how exactly are we supposed to interrogate a man eating monster lady?” Bishop asked. “Our Psionics can’t read their minds anymore than they can read mages.”

“I am sure I could convice the Research Division director to allow us to apply a little pressure on the creature.” Cyrus said. “As long we promise not to hurt it too much.”

“Forget it.” Winona said. “Dridders are a race culturally known for settling disputes with fights to the death. Not exactly the type that can be intimidated by violence to themselves. But I might have another way.”

“Well, what is it?” Cyrus asked.

A smug grin started to grow on Winona’s face, she licked the back of right hand twice and then rubbed it against her white Neko hair.

“Babies.” She purred.



Saskia stood before the large three floor stone building of the Negav police station. She was still in the form of ‘Sheana Trotter’. In one hand she held an almost empty large bottle of Vodka, which was getting her a few glances from passing citizens but otherwise everyone paid no attention to her. Putting a hand into one of her dress pockets, she produced a small handful of golden rings.

“Ugh...which one was it?” She murmured to herself.

Her face brightened up when her eyes laid on the ring she had marked ‘Fairies’ with an ultra fine black permanent marker.  She put away the other rings and placed this one onto her right index finger.

“Good morning Audree.” Saskia’s thoughts echoed while being telepathically sent to her new fairy friend.

“Morning Saskia!” Audree’s voice echoed back. “Whoa, these rings are trippy!”

“You’ll get used to it.” Saskia replied. “So, You and Kyle up for some human flavored delicacies?”

“Yes please!”

“Of course you do.” Saskia nodded. “Okay, I’ll give you the heads up when they are being delivered. See you then.”

“Buh bye Saskia!”

Saskia pulled the ring off her finger and put it away. She then raised the bottle to her lips and gulped down the remainder of her bottle, letting off a small-suppressed belch when the bottle left her lips.

“Pardonne moi.”

It’s time for the fun to begin. Saskia started to steadily climb up the flight of stone steps leading up to the building.

“In Five…”

She made her way up the stairs.

“…Four…”

She reached the top.

“…Three…”

She casually slid the empty bottle into a nearby dustbin at the top of the stairs.

“…Two…”

Headed towards the great doors.

“…One…”

Her perfect posture and steady footing broke into the act of an unsteady stagger and she crashed forcefully through the great doors, causing the two human police receptionists to jump out of their skin.

“Awrite officers?” She exclaimed loudly, falling back into character. This time her voice much more slurred and her steps disoriented.

“Ah shit!” One of the Police station receptionists said to her male co-worker when they saw the red haired coming their way. “Damn drunks.”

“A bit lost deary?” The other receptionist asked while the two got up from their post and made their way over to Saskia.

“Can ye help a lass?” Saskia said, wobbling side to side. “Ah want to report a crime.”

“Do you now?” The female receptionist asked as the two got hold of Saskia by both sides and started guiding her further into the building. “Well let’s put you in a cozy cell for now and you can tell me about it later once you’re sober.”

“Anyhoo, mah ex-best frein’ has only gain an’ swiped aw mah bevy!” Saskia said, continuing to ramble regardless. “Ah am absolutely livid ah am!”

“That’s tragic.” The male receptionist said in a patronizing tone.

“’Er name is Sonya Tine.”

“What did you just say?” The two receptionists asked in unison, finally looking Saskia in the face. “Did you just say that her name is Sonya Tine?”

“Aye, She’s a feckin fannybawbag, that’s whit she is!”

“That’s the woman the feds are looking for.” The male receptionist said.

“Let’s put her in the most secure cell.” His female partner nodded.



“Would ‘Lord Archimedes’ like a carrot?”

Cyrus stood in the main ISD worker office room, a small carrot in hand while looking up at the division’s pet miniature Jaykay bird that had perched itself onto the top of one of the book cases.

“Alakazam!” Archimedes squawked, waving his rainbow colored featured wings in excitement.

“My lord,” Bishop said, hastily entering the room and making his way past the workers at the desks. “The Negav police have sent us someone who claims to be an associate of our suspect, a human called Sheana Trotter. Seems like they had a little spat and she is willing to turn her in to get back at her.”

“Sonya Tine and Sheana Trotter?” Cyrus frowned, reaching up to Archimedes for the bird to take the carrot.

“Yummy!” Archimedes grasped the vegetable with his beak.

“Yeah it’s weird how they both have the same initials.” Bishop said. “But the police have made damn sure that she has no illusion spells or enchantments in effect. And let’s just say she hardly looks the part of a scheming criminal, more like an unsophisticated boozehound. I’ve just spent ten minutes questioning her and she wouldn’t shut up about her stolen drink and how large her breasts are. Besides, if she really was Sonya, then why would she report herself to the law under a different alias?”

“Good point.” Cyrus said. “Have you checked the census for this Sheana?”

“She’s a traveling trader. Resides at the small settlement of Safe Harbor and according to the market census she has been frequently coming to Negav to trade salvaged items with the adventurer guild for the last several years. She’s also a valued customer at ‘The Lit Ciggy Bar’.”

“Any criminal record?”

“The police never even encountered her until today. I think she simply has made a few bad choices when it came to friends. She looks the sort of simpleton that Sonya would prey on, just like she did with Bailey.”

“Barley?” Archimedes stopped nibbling on his carrot and looked about excitedly.

“Bailey, not Barley.” Cyrus said to the bird.

“Barley?” Archimedes asked again, starting to bounce up and down. “Want some Barley!”

“Does she know where to find Sonya?” Cyrus asked Bishop, ignoring Archimedes.

“She claims that Sonya has a hideout in the Chomikai Commons.”

“So she’s been hiding in the forest around Negav has she?” Cyrus said in thought. “Okay, once Sheana sobers up, get her to lead two of our uniformed officers to the hideout. Get an Isolon Fist squad to escort them safely through the area and provide backup just in case they need it. But the important thing is that I want Sonya alive so we can make her explain how she’s been dodging the census system.”

“Understood.”

Archimedes jumped down on Cyrus’ head and started thrashing his wings about.

“Squawk! Give me Barley! Give me Barley! Give me Barley! Give me Barley!”



Winona and Rachael followed Lab officer ‘Doctor Khan’ through one of the underground ‘Investigator Research Division’ wide stone arched corridors. Not far behind was another lab technician pushing a self-levitating fifty-five gallon container labeled with a biohazard sign. The place illuminated by a combination of glowing orbs and built in light bulbs.

“Can get a bit gothic down here.” Khan said, his voice echoing off the dank brickwork. “In such a dangerous place like Felarya, you don’t get much chance at expanding the city. So if you want a secret lab right underneath the higher tier you have to work with the already existing architecture. This place used to be the original fallback network built over millennia ago, they have long since dug out bigger and longer tunnels so now this is a secret testing ground.”

Khan turned his face to Rachael.

“So Agent Bittersweet, this is going to be your first time seeing a Felaryan beastie in person, right?” he asked, brushing his light brown tweed waistcoat and loosening his dark blue bowtie.

“Yeah.” Rachael nodded. “Have seen plenty of them in photographic documents, but since I am not an field agent I’ve never actually seen one in person. I am just here today to make sure Agent Mousetrap treats your lab with respect, complying with your conditions of giving us access.”

“Jeez, you guys act as if I was going to blow up the place.” Winona rolled her eyes.

“This installation has a substantial Skevol value attached to it.” Khan said. “And while we here at Research don’t judge too harshly the shady type of people you recruit into your Internal security, we aren’t exactly keen on allowing them to poke their fingers about either.”

“Don’t worry, she normally behaves when on the job.” Racheal said. “It’s when she’s off duty that you have to watch out for. We would have sent another agent, but no one knows predator behavior better than she does."

“Well, while I am familiar with Mousetrap’s infamous underhanded exploits, I know almost nothing about you.” Khan said. “So don’t blame me for being cautious, you look like the enabling type to me.”

“I can control my agent.” Rachael said defensively.

“Lets hope so.”

They stopped at a large metal door guarded by two heavily armored uniformed officers armed with assault shotguns.

“The agents have clearance.” Khan said to one of the officers. “Let them in, please.”

One of the guards silently nodded and then knocked into the metal door a number of times in a Morse code like fashion. After the last knock was entered, the door started to emit a series of loud clunks while a series of locking mechanisms unlocked one after another ending with a small click of the door handle. The guard then pushed the door open, making the door give out a deep metallic whine. In reaction to the door, lights within the room beyond started to flick on one by one, each giving out a click sound as they went.

“Go right in.” Khan said once all the lab lights were lit.

Winona confidently strode right in without hesitation and Rachael cautiously crept behind. Doctor Khan waited for the technician to pass by with the container and then was the last to follow them in; the guard closed the door behind him, the door giving out a loud clang.

The laboratory, though built inside a large stone chamber, did a better job of looking habitable than the hallways. Featuring wooden flooring, smoothed walls and of course filled with lab desks and equipment. At one of the chamber was a massive pitch-black screen like window.

“I’ve had the team clear out of here in advance so there won’t be any interruptions.” Khan said.

“This is what the Agency’s new carnivore labs look like?” Rachael asked.

“Yup, if this trial using the Dridder turns out to be a success we might see more in the future.” Khan said. “This particular facility is for creatures ranging from six to twelve feet in height. Many Felarya predators come in different sizes, so there is a lot to learn by studying the smaller counterparts. And of course the smaller ones are easier to catch and are not so much effected by Negav’s Anti-giant predator field.”

The technician pushed the container into the centre of the lab.

“Anything else Doctor?”

Khan glanced over at Winona, who shook her head.

“No, that’s all, thank you.”

The technician nodded, walked to the back of the laboratory and sat down at a bench, waiting to be called upon again. Winona, Rachael and Khan then slowly walked up to the large black window.

“I take it that the Dridder is in there somewhere.” Rachael said. “I can’t see anything, even with my Neko eyesight.”

“The holding cells magically recreate the creature’s natural habitat to reduce stress and to discourage any thoughts of attempting to break out.” Khan said. “The Dridder thinks that she is currently in an underground cavern. It’s almost completely dark in there, just how they like it.”

“‘The Gilded Cage’ approach.” Winona said matter of factly. “Some methods never go out of style, even if their execution changes.”

“And the window is one way?” Rachael asked, “So the lab’s lights won’t bother her?”

“Yup, the other side just blends into the illusion. The creature has no idea that we are here.”

Khan walked to a nearby lab storage tray, pulled out a handful of green-lensed vintage round spectacles and passed them around.

“We use a low level of light in there that only the Dridder and these lenses can pick up.”

The three of them simultaneously unfolded the golden temples of their spectacles, brought them up to their faces and planted them over their eyes. Through the emerald green hue of their glasses, the black window became transparent and they could see beyond into a damp stone cavern about the size of a football pitch. Many of the walls were covered in thick webbing and embedded in it were Pigs of varying sizes, struggling to free themselves.

“Oh my god…” Rachael whispered, raising her hand to her mouth and taking a few steps back from the window.

“Ugh…yeah…we are trying to see if we can condition her towards processed meat rather than live prey.” Khan shifted uncomfortably. “But so far she won’t touch the stuff, so we are trying to let her acquire a taste for pork using these live domesticated pigs and then hopefully once she’s accustomed to them we can scale it down to raw meat.”

“So all that would change is that humans would be killing the pigs before handing them over to her?” Winona frowned. “Want to keep the thrill of the slaughter to yourselves?”

“Ignore ‘Captain Cynical’.” Rachael said to Khan. “For what it it’s worth, I think your trying to do the right thing.”

Rachael drew closer to the window, looking back and forth around the chamber.

“So where is this Dridder then? I can’t see her…”

The view of the Dridder’s undercarriage appeared right in front of Rachael from above while the creature wall walked downwards on the other side of the window.

“…RRAAAGHHH!” Rachael leaped back in surprise.

“She’s a beauty isn’t she?” Winona grinned, watching the creature’s abdomen pass by and move out of sight underneath the widow.

“’Creepy as fuck’ is the term I would rather use.” Rachael said, quickly taking her glasses off.

“Well that’s a unfair assessment considering all you’ve seen of her is her groin and arse.” Winona smirked. “Once you’re more familiar with them, you can appreciate their charms. When a Dridder puts her all into the hunt, it can be quite exhilarating. Shame this one was spoiled by the assassins; they encouraged her to be lazy and predictable.”

“You find something like that, charming?” Rachael asked, putting a good distance between her and the window.

“I would be bad at my job if I couldn’t appreciate the form taken by my natural competitors.” Winona said. “Or have you never heard of the phrase, ‘Keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer?’ I can’t exactly learn their behavior and outwit them if I am too busy looking away in disgust.”

“But there is such a thing as getting too close.” Rachael said.

“I know my limits.” Winona said. “Wait till I am running around naked trying to eat everyone in sight, then you can worry. Anyway it would be highly advisable if you dropped the attitude when I speak to her, she already wants me dead for putting her in here in the first place, let’s not antagonize her further or there will be no chance of her cooperating.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep quiet and let you do your thing.” Racheal said.

“Right then, Doctor Khan,” Winona said, spinning round hastily on the spot to face Khan. “Is there a way to communicate with the Dridder from here?”

“There’s the sound system we use to communicate to cleaners when the cells are empty.” Khan said.

“I would prefer to talk to her face to face if possible.” Winona said.

“Well I guess I could deactivate the window camouflage. Hopefully she won’t freak out too much.”

“She will freak out alright.” Winona said, taking off her green spectacles and folding the temples. “Just the sight of me should put her in a blind rage.”



Charlotte the Dridder was trapped in this place looked like a place she would love to live in, a vast dark carven. But she knew it was some form of human constructed prison, and the way out of this place was sealed off. But at least the food was tasty. Charlotte dropped down onto the cavern floor and headed towards the sounds of one of the struggling piggies that she had webbed up on the cavern walls at floor level. The creature, having heard her coming, started to squeal loudly and fought harder to escape its bonds, it’s sound echoing within the cavern.

“And this little piggy went ‘wee wee wee’ all the way to my tummy!” Charlotte giggled, licking the droll from her lips.

She grabbed the creature with both hands and effortlessly tore it free from the wall webbing. Staring down at it with hungry eyes she then drew it towards her watering mouth.

“Salutations Miss Dridder.” A loud familiar voice came from nowhere. “I apologize for interrupting your meal.”

A bright glaring white flashed on from somewhere above and behind her. Even though it wasn’t directly in her face, it still made her flinch.

“What the…?”

Charlotte turned and squinted upwards. When her eyes adapted to the light and her vision cleared she could see that the figure who was fifteen feet up the cavern wall did indeed looked familiar, a Neko with short white hair, black and white garments. With a satchel like thing slung on her shoulder...

“Mousetrap!” Charlotte fumed, carelessly releasing the pig and letting it fall to the ground. “You’ve got some nerve to show your face!”

“Aw she remembered my name.” The Neko said. “I must of have made quite an impression on you. And that’s saying something since you carnivores find it hard to tell us ‘delicacy’s’ apart.”

“That’s definitely you!” Charlotte said. “I know that smart mouth anywhere! Now prepare to feel my wrath!”

Charlotte leaped fifteen feet into the air, flying towards the Neko with all eight legs stretched out while screaming a Dridder war cry.

“SSSCRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCTTHHHHHHH!”



Winona watched as the purple haired, Nine-foot-tall Dridder collided with the viewing window, the rebounding bang echoed through the chamber and the shatter proof glass vibrated in it’s frame while she fell back down to the cell floor with a heavy thud.

“Fuck!” The creature cursed from below.

“Well we certainly felt that.” Winona smirked. “Though I have to say your wrath is somewhat lacking in punch.”

“We weren’t supposed to hurt it.” Rachael said.

“Oh come on,” Winona smirked. “That was a mere pratfall to a tough girl like her.”

After a moment, The Dridder popped from under the window, having wall crawled back up. She stared at Winona, and then perplexedly glanced about the lab before curiously tapping the window with her right index finger.

“What kind of sorcery is this?” She asked, pressing her face against the glass.

“It’s called a window.” Winona said.

“Damn you and these ‘Windows’.” The Dridder cursed. “Stupid things!”

“So, has your time in our lovely cavern been a pleasant one?”

“I am offended that you think you can distract me from the fact that I am a prisoner by giving me a nice home and giving me piggy treats.” The Dridder said pulling her face away from the glass.

“But not offended enough to refuse the treats?” Winona asked.

“Well it would be a shame to let them go to waste.” The Dridder shrugged.

“The Dridder doth protest too much, methinks.” Winona said, pulling nearby lab stool close to the window and sat down before the nine-foot-beast. “Now Miss Dridder...”

“My name is Charlotte!”

“…Right, Charlotte.” Winona nodded. “The thing is, we have heard about this friend of yours, the one that arranged for the humans to feed you. We would like to know about her.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Charlotte said. “I’ve had no friends since my tribe banished me.”

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Winona sighed and waved her hand dismissively. “Now that you have gotten the most predictable response out of the way, how about you answer again but with the truth this time?”

“I am not lying!” Charlotte growled.

“Fluctuation of voice pitch, visible increased pulse rate in your neck, your pale skin has become even paler, sudden perspiration coming from under your armpits.” Winona said. “And I’ve just seen you angry so I know they aren’t angry signs, most of these were not even present until I mentioned your friend. So you’re definitely trying to hide something.”

“I am still not going to tell you anything!”

Winona just sat in silence for a moment, staring directly at the Dridder.

“Well, if your going to be like that, then I will leave.” Winona said, getting off her seat.

“Is that it?” Charlotte asked. “You’re giving up?”

Winona walked back to the large container and with a little struggle she removed the lid. She then reached in and pulled out a white, football sized, gelatin like spare.

“I will just put these back into storage then.” She said. “Sad really, after all this effort to get them here, and I really was looking forward to witnessing the joyful reunion.”

“My babies!” Charlotte cried.

“That’s right.” Winona said, carefully holding the Dridder egg to her chest while getting closer to the Window.

“You kept your promise?” Charlotte asked, not taking her gaze from the egg before her.

“Well they did prove to be a good leverage last time, didn’t they?” Winona said, gently stroking the egg. “I figured it would be worth going back for them in case I needed to coax something from you again. You were a prime culprit to the crime I was investigating after all.”

“So you’re using them against me again after I let you have my mother’s necklace?” Charlotte said. “That’s cheating!”

“Not at all, I just thought I could offer an expansion of the deal.” Winona said, walking back the container and gently putting the egg back in. “Now, I’ve promised that the eggs will not be harmed and will be re-adopted. But what would you say if I was to offer you a chance to spend a moment with them before they go?”

Winona walked away from the container and back to the window to face Charlotte.

“I don’t think I could sleep at night without offering a separated mother a chance to say goodbye to her unborn children.” She then said.

“Laying it on a bit thick aren’t we?” Rachael murmured to Winona.

“Piss off.” Winona murmured back. “Damn critic.”

Charlotte frowned at the two Nekos.

“You seriously think I would just turn my best friend in for some time with my babies?”

Winona smiled and quickly nodded.

“Go jump down a giant’s throat!” Charlotte said, stubbornly looking away, crossing her humanoid upper arms.

“Come on Charlotte,” Winona said. “She is not one of your kind. By your standards she should be in the food category. Why pass up this chance just for her sake?”

“She’s not like the rest of you prey.” Charlotte said. “She doesn’t judge me. She doesn’t walk about like she owns the place and she certainly wouldn’t have put me in a cage and gawk at me inside a magic wall! She rescued me from this small group of Dridder hunters, and since then has helped me with my pregnancy cravings by getting that nice group of humans to fetch meals for me. As far as I am concerned, she has the soul of a Dridder who had the misfortune of being born as prey. She even has a Dridder sounding name, Saskia. That’s a name of inner strength if I ever heard one.”

Winona’s ears perked up.

“So that’s the name she gave you?” Winona asked.

“Oh shitty webs!” Charlotte cursed, realizing what she had slipped out. “I didn’t realize you didn’t know her name!”

“Good chance it’s still not her real one.” Winona said. “But thanks for giving us a lead.”

“Well, no matter, it’s just a matter of time before she comes to rescue me and tear you a new asshole!” Charlotte said, shaking her right fist.

“That’s wishful thinking I think you will find.” Winona said. “For starters, She wouldn’t have any idea as to where you are, she probably found your cave empty and figured likely that something bigger came along and ate you.”

“That’s what you think.” Charlotte said. “You know my necklace? The one you took as a “Memento”? Well it allowed me to talk to her with my mind, I managed to secretly tell her I was caught just before you took it off me.”

“Pull the other one.” Winona smirked, waving her hand dismissively. “Your necklace was a Dridder heirloom and I know for a fact that Dridders aren’t exactly good at dabbling in magic. Communication spells and devices are extremely rare for anyone outside the Negav corporations and powerful mage groups. Your necklace simply couldn’t have had such an enchantment.”

“Saskia was nice enough to take it to someone she knew who could place the enchantment on it and then returned and gave it back to me. Just in case I ever wanted to talk to her.”

Winona just stood there wide-eyed, a seemingly everlasting awkward silence followed.

“…………..Ah.” Winona finally said softly. “…Bugger.”

“Not feeling so clever now, are you?” Charlotte smirked. “So much for misses smarty-pants. Your just a stupid, weak little Neko.”

“So you told Saskia that someone had caught you, was that all?” Winona asked, not dignifying the Dridder’s childish remarks with a response.

“And that my captor was hunting the people that were feeding me.”

“Okay, so she would figure the captor had it in for Bailey and his clan.” Winona said. “But still there’s many factions and groups in the city, she wouldn’t immediately conclude that it was the government looking into it. She would more likely assume it was another clan.”

“The link between my necklace and Saskia’s ring allows for her to know who is currently wearing the necklace. It reveals everything about the wearer.” Charlotte stuck her tongue out.

Winona’s mouth dropped open, her mind quickly rewinding backwards to when she first got the necklace.



“Why would you want that?” The Dridder asked. “It’s just something my mother made for me, it’s of no value to your kind!”

“It’s valuable to you” Mousetrap smiled. “I love mementos”

The Dridder stopped to think, conflicted over the choice of giving up the only thing left of her mother to save her babies.

“Okay okay okay!” She finally said, taking the necklace off and throwing it at Mousetrap, whom caught it with her spare
hand.

Mousetrap reached over her head and placed the necklace around her neck, the jewelry itself being intended for a bigger creature than her meant it dangled around her stomach as apposed to her chest.




“…I put the necklace on when I got it.” Winona grimaced, returning back to the present. “Then once I got back to Negav the first thing I did was…”



“I’ve got you a gift!” Winona said taking the Dridder necklace that she was wearing off and placing it on Rachael.

Rachael did not ease up at all, taking no interest in the necklace that hanged from her neck.

“You don’t like it?” Winona asked tilting her head.




“You tricked me!” Winona said astonished. “I thought I had simply coerced you into handing it over, but you also did it in the hopes that I would put it on and reveal myself to Saskia so she could save you…I think I need a sit down.”

Winona slowly walked away from the window, overcome with shock.

“Oh yes.” Charlotte said smugly. “Take that, bitch!”

“Put the window camouflage back on.” Winona said quietly.

“Aw is Mousetrap feeling a bit humiliated?” Charlotte jeered. “Poor baby!”

“I SAID TURN IT BACK ON!”

Khan quickly moved over to the Lab control panel and fumbled with the buttons, Charlotte’s constant taunting echoing around the room.

“Is Mousetrap going off to cry now?”

Khan pressed the final button and Charlotte’s voice was cut off and her image at the window was replaced by blackness again. Winona quietly pulled a stool at a bench and sat down with her back turned to everyone. She pulled out her catnip and rolling paper from her hand bag and started to prepare another joint.

“Ugh, can you not smoke in the lab please?” Doctor Khan said.

“…Fine…” Winona hissed, picking a small pinch of catnip out of its bag and sticking it directly into her mouth.

“You let her do nip while she’s on duty?” Khan frowned at Rachael.

“It’s prescription.” Rachael whispered back. “Calms her down.”

Rachael walked over to where Winona sat and pulled a stool besides her.

“So, the suspect knows the Negav government is on to her.” She said solemnly

“She also knows that we have the one witness who knows her real identity.” Winona said, swallowing the contests of her mouth and licking her fingers. “She is aware of me and knows what I am capable of. She would have realized that I would think about questioning the Dridder.”

“You caught Charlotte seven days ago, Saskia could long gone by now.” Rachael said. “We might never find her.”

“Not so simple.” Winona said. “We can use the necklace to track her down, but the problem is that Saskia might have already realized that. So rather than running away she would have immediately started to seek out a way to discourage us from even thinking of perusing her.”

“Discourage the Negav government? How?”

“Only she would know that.” Winona said.


ISD Officer Wilkes swerved his black jet bike vehicle to a halt, the trailing dirt cloud passing behind them for a couple more yards before settling onto the thick forest glass of Chomikai Commons.

“How much further is it Miss Trotter?” Wilkes asked, looking down at his side carriage where Saskia sat wearing a bright pink colored crash helmet.  “We are nearing the outskirts of Negav’s magical barrier. I thought you said Sonya was hiding within it?”

“We shoods be oan ‘er erse onie moment noo!” Saskia said. “Jist behin’ th’ next tree.”

Wilkes pressed a button in the side of his dark green helmet, activating the built in microphone.

“Okay, pass the upcoming tree and we should be there.” Wilkes recited the directions to the vehicle coming up behind.

An eight-wheeled armored personnel carrier came from behind and passed by, the Isolon Fist solider mounting the 20mm Autocannon at the top met his gaze and gave an acknowledging raised hand. Wilkes returned the gesture and watched the vehicle proceed further into the forest as Wilkes had instructed, easily driving beneath an arching tree root of the giant tree up ahead.

“Nearing destination.” Wilkes reported back to HQ.


Last edited by DarkOne on Mon Jul 07, 2014 9:57 am; edited 14 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeThu Jan 30, 2014 2:15 pm

Been meaning to respond to these comments for some time, I just thought that it would be better to get the new chapter up first.

Ilceren wrote:
I liked this third chapter a lot as well, very clever.

Yeah I am quite fond of the third chapter, perhaps because it's a deconstruction of the typical 'heroic' protagonist meets Felaryan predator and become freinds' storyline that gets repeated so much that I get sick of it. If you think about it, it's more likely that the sort of person who would befreind a Felarya predator isn't going to be a moral person, more like someone who doesn't blink an eyelid at someone getting eaten, like Saskia. Of course Rythmear has already somewhat explored this area with his 'Gunther' character which was partly the inspiration for Saskia. But I think Saskia differates herself from Gunther by being more comical and has bigger plans than simply conning strangers.

Ilceren wrote:
Saskia must have a good eye judging people, what would have happened if they turned out to not be greedy and just took off with the fairies? It could have been trouble XD

Well Saskia did spend a drink with Jarrett, and she most likely been paying attention to how well he responds to her original cash offer to measure up how easy he could be. Plus she's a shape-shifter, for all we know, she has already met him under another face. That's the benifit of being a shape-shifter, you can string people into a certain direction by using many identities, I don't know why you don't see that happen much with other shifters in fiction because it's a really good tactic.

Ilceren wrote:
The thing with the fire was quite funny too. Though maybe the guy should be a lot more pained than you describe him to be, I think it's due to the enchantment Winona mentioned the cell to have, right?

Yeah it's pretty much the enchanted cell, he will most likely will feel the burn much more on his way out to the medical bay. Winona would probably see it as an 'belated surprise."
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeSun May 11, 2014 10:18 am

Kind of a slow chapter I have to say, but then not every single one can be packed with things happening. I don't think it's a negative thing.

I have to say, I liked how you wrote Moustetrap's reaction to being 'out thought', if indeed that is really what happened here. Personally, I'm not so sure the dridder isn't bluffing. Or at the very least I'm considering every possibility. That said, it's an interesting break from her typical character, and it makes sense given how she usually acts and taking her situation into account. Very well done!

I have to ask, did you consult Karbo regarding the idea of a census in Negav? I would think turnover of the people in Negav would be huge, considering both all the interdimensional traffic and the outflux of adventurers off to find their fortunes (or demises). That would make a census of the city's population very difficult to perform, and the results would hardly be accurate even if it was.

I also have to commend you on your handling of Saskia's accents. Sure, I did have to read a few of her lines of dialogue more than once, but I was usually able to catch what she was saying despite the fact that few actual words were typed. And the few instances when I had no idea, I think I can chalk up to me being unfamiliar with British slang. All in all, good job.
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeSat Jun 14, 2014 10:05 am

Nyaha wrote:
Kind of a slow chapter I have to say, but then not every single one can be packed with things happening. I don't think it's a negative thing.

I think slow chapters would only be a negtive thing if it was clear that it was slow because I was padding it out with pointless scenes, which I don't think I've done here. I see this as a more of a world building chapter, we see more of how the ISD operates and the concept of them trying to study predators is expanded on. Plus we see Saskia setting up events that will lead into chapter six.

Nyaha wrote:

I have to say, I liked how you wrote Moustetrap's reaction to being 'out thought', if indeed that is really what happened here. Personally, I'm not so sure the dridder isn't bluffing. Or at the very least I'm considering every possibility. That said, it's an interesting break from her typical character, and it makes sense given how she usually acts and taking her situation into account. Very well done!

The Driddler isn't bluffing, I think Winona would have noticed if it was an blantent lie. Also Winona did point out that Dridders don't normally have access to things like communication spells so how could she bluff about something that she shoulden't even have any acknowledgement of (without it looking like she was making it up?) It would also be very cheap of me as author to have put a dent in Winona's ego only to go back on it and later claim it didn't actually happen.

But yeah, I've always felt it's important that I establish that Winona's methods don't always go as planned, there's no point in me writing her as this flawed person if she never suffers any set backs, after a while it would just look like I am glorifying her and willing to let her get away with everything, and given her anti-socail and sometimes cruel behavior that would make me look very bad.

And I think that's the ironic thing about Winona, She likes to feel confident and pretend she has complete control of things, but really she has very little control in her life. To her the way she asserts herself in front of her victims is a way for her to make herself seem influential and dominating, and so gets upset if it backfires. I think it's a more interesting contrast to the more typical Felarya characters in other stories (most of whom all seem to geniunly believe their superiority.)

Nyaha wrote:

I have to ask, did you consult Karbo regarding the idea of a census in Negav? I would think turnover of the people in Negav would be huge, considering both all the interdimensional traffic and the outflux of adventurers off to find their fortunes (or demises). That would make a census of the city's population very difficult to perform, and the results would hardly be accurate even if it was.

Most civilizations going back to anceint Egypt have had some kind of Census (Mostly to keep track of trade and taxation, you can't estimate the value of your socitey if you don't know who owns what on the street)

And no the system isn't accurate, Bishop even said that they arn't strangers to some false information ending up on it like false names and places, it's just Saskia is one of the rare cases of being able to completely defy the system completely by creating identifies that are completely false. No system is ever perfect, but the city trying to keep track of people has to be better than not trying at all, otherwise it means that the Magiocrats has absolutely no idea who is in their city, which would make it diffecult for them to enforce anything.

Nyaha wrote:

I also have to commend you on your handling of Saskia's accents. Sure, I did have to read a few of her lines of dialogue more than once, but I was usually able to catch what she was saying despite the fact that few actual words were typed. And the few instances when I had no idea, I think I can chalk up to me being unfamiliar with British slang. All in all, good job.

Writing Saskia's accents is fun, text isn't a visual medium and so a shapeshifter was quite challenging to portray, I figured most of it had to go into the act and Saskia having different personalities and accents is a easy way to differate her different disguises outside the description. In this chapter she was speaking with a scottish accent, which normally does take a little bit of getting used to XD
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 21, 2015 3:50 am

You know, if it wasn't for the fact that Ilceren made all the corrections earlier, I found a few (litterally) but i was so enthralled by the story of criminal espionage and getting inside these two characters heads, I got to say, very well done! I love the character design you did with wiona, She seems incredibly smart but a very self centered person with some obvious (in a good way) flaws that flowed right with the chapter. The twist you made in your latest one was well excuted to the title of the overall story. It was well pulled off enough that i had to check twice to see if i was reading a criminal thriller that isn't set in felarya. You also seemed to have a knack at knowing how to set up the atmosphere of the setting, The staff that you meet coming from the ISD. Now I really don't like the magiocrats and their views, but you made the whole investigator staff seem pretty competent in what they are dealing with in felarya, coming from immigration inflation to the good but flawed systems of the census tech to find databases on people (with magitech!) It was all very well thought out and intriguing.

Probably one of my favorite parts is Wiona's relationship with Rachael. I saw two different onsets of negav's society coming from those two interacting with each other. One was a born outsider and a comfortable resident of negav while the other one saw the more harsh reality of Felarya and has been there all her life. You were great to point out in Wiona's Defensive rebutles against Rachael on her views of justice and fabrication of surviving and the nature of it. Also a little bit of the predation side of things of why they eat people in a emphasizing stance of being a sapient eating inhabitant on felarya, and that i took quite interest in as it was a pretty well executed contrast of conversation. So much more to say but i will have to read over again to explain it cleary, great job of work! my only complaint is why did you stop and what's actually keeping you? I really want to know where this is going and hope it continues when you find the chance.

Also another thing you should probably consider is gues staring some people's OC into the works. Wouldn't be a bad idea for a chapter of two and it would definitely push your talents to the test if you are so willing. Highly recommend a read from anybody else looking at this review.
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PostSubject: Re: 'She Who Dares Wins'   'She Who Dares Wins' - Page 2 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 28, 2015 6:33 am

Bluehorizon wrote:
I love the character design you did with wiona, She seems incredibly smart but a very self centered person with some obvious (in a good way) flaws that flowed right with the chapter.

I always find it interesting how many people seem to like Winona when there are so many people in the community who complain about the typical felaryan predators being unlikeable, given that if unlikeablity was all there really was the cause of these complaints, then Winona should logically be the most loathed character.

Of course it might just be a case my story not having a enougth exposure to get that level of feedback, and the positive comments might easily change to negative if I was to put it on DA. Still, if I was to be optimistic, I’d say it’s proof that confirms what I’ve been saying about contextulation and repersentation. It’s not the predator’s behavior that really upsets people, it’s the portrayal. People sympathize with a character like Winona more because she is clearly in an anti-heroine role and the audience is never really forced to root for her, simply given the option. (Alternative view points such as Racheal’s are treated with as much devotion and sympathy, hopefully causing an effect where the reader never feels like having view points of either side shoved down their throats.) I think that the fact that Winona’s view points are not forced upon the audience makes her more enjoyable as a character, we are merely being asked to empathize with her (understand her motivations) It’s really up to the audience how much (if at all) they want to go when it comes to sympathizing.                                                                        

I think it also helps that Winona has taken on an definite role and context rather than just being an out of context femdom. She very obviously has taken on an femme fatle/trickster role, which makes sense given the crime thriller/fantasy themes. Not only does it remove her from being a femdom fetish for the most part, (though depending on how you see things, you could say it’s still kinda there, it’s just toned down and more subtle) but also makes her more than being simply being a “catgirl”, She’s not some cute girl with cat like features…She’s a metaphorical repersentation of an anti-social trying to fit in socitey, an animal trying to be human. With Winona I tried to take the Neko back to something resembling it’s folklore roots while adding a modern psychological twist to it.

On another level, Winona is an example of the ‘He Who Fights Monsters’ narrative, spends a lot of her time hunting and chasing down monsters (of the mythological and human kind) all the while ignoring, or more likely not caring that she is a monster herself. Her main opinon seems to be that using her impulsions and talents to help the authorties of Negav makes her better than the others.
One of the big questions I wanted to explore was the rhetorical question of a Predator helping humanity, does a social-darwinist become pro-social simply because he or she starts working with the authorities? Well that answer depends on the authorites and social structure in general doesn’t it? And in this case Negav is an authoritarian socitey, Technqually speaking there’s nothing wrong with Winona acting above the law, authoritean law means whatever the Magiocrats says is absolute, if it’s in the interests of the law makers to keep someone safe from persecution because they are useful, then they are safe, well…as long they don’t push their luck too hard (and cause rebellion) But by our standards (the readers) she’s still a predator, she is just hunting in the interests of the elite, picking off people they find troublesome while bending the law to do so…It’s still survival of the fittiest, she still is a predator. She’s still a animal that follows a barbaric law that allows all sorts of bad things…and when contrasted with this social context of authoritean curruption, the regular predators ideas and actions don’t seem so silly and unexplainable (even though they are indeed greatly exaggerated)
Preds and Humans alike are a product of their environment, as we all are to some extent, for better or worse.

Bluehorizon wrote:
The staff that you meet coming from the ISD. Now I really don't like the magiocrats and their views, but you made the whole investigator staff seem pretty competent in what they are dealing with in felarya, coming from immigration inflation to the good but flawed systems of the census tech to find databases on people (with magitech!) It was all very well thought out and intriguing.

Lol, well there’s a two very good reasons why I made the investigator’s as competent as they are, firstly to explain how they got Winona to work for them in the first place, it’s stated a few times she was a criminal before they forced her to work for them. If the ISD were incredably inept then it would have implausble that she would have been persauded to work for them.              

The second reason is so that Winona doesn’t completely steal the spotlight, it would have looked like I completely condoned her behavior and was glorifying her way of life if everyone looked like an idiot compared to her. I woulden’t even think Winona is the smartest amoung the staff, just the one who thinks more out of the box. The ISD seem to value her more for being a wild card and for getting things done in unconventional siturations.

Bluehorizon wrote:
Probably one of my favorite parts is Wiona's relationship with Rachael. I saw two different onsets of negav's society coming from those two interacting with each other. One was a born outsider and a comfortable resident of negav while the other one saw the more harsh reality of Felarya and has been there all her life. You were great to point out in Wiona's Defensive rebutles against Rachael on her views of justice and fabrication of surviving and the nature of it. Also a little bit of the predation side of things of why they eat people in a emphasizing stance of being a sapient eating inhabitant on felarya, and that i took quite interest in as it was a pretty well executed contrast of conversation.

Heh, yeah alot of other people have menctioned liking the relationship between Winona and Rachael. I think the appeal comes from how much more relateable their conflict and arugements are compared to those of a male human and a hundred foot tall naked female gaint you tend to find in other stories.                                                            
There's also the fact that they are simultaneously quite simular and yet so different, on one hand, they are both Nekos, both are woman, both more or less have the same career (Winona works on the feild, but than other than that...) both make snarky comments and both are intelligent in thier own ways.
The main major differance in their personalities is that one is Anti-social and the other is Pro-Social (or at least as pro-social as Negav allows Racheal to be at least) and yet that one thing can make a world of differance. In many respects Racheal is the type of person Winona would have become if she grew up differently, in that sense Racheal being an outsider from another world becomes a metaphor for having a different upbringing. Racheal being a Neko could be seen as a sign that she always had the same genetic vulnerabilities Winona has (since anti-social behavior disorders are surposeingly partly genetic) But Racheal's "predator instincts" must had been caught and disciplined out of her from an early age by surportive carers, while Winona proberly had a very confusing and contradictory type of discipline growing up.

Bluehorizon wrote:
My only complaint is why did you stop and what's actually keeping you?

Ah, that’s an complicated reason. Part of the reason was lost of motivation, years 2013 and 2014 weren’t excactly fruitful ones in terms of searching for employment and I was getting increasingly depressed. You can actually see the effect of those years in how my entries started slowing down. (2012, was still happy and churned out three chapters in four months in during summer and autumn. Then in 2013 I only did one chapter, four months after the last one. Then the next chapter took an entire year and didn’t pop up till 2014…then nothing since.  
So I figured to give the story a rest, at least till I sorted things out.
Then there’s also the increasing sense alienation from the Felarya community at large, for reasons that I’ve repeated far too many times now. It really puts you off.

Bluehorizon wrote:
Also another thing you should probably consider is gues staring some people's OC into the works. Wouldn't be a bad idea for a chapter of two and it would definitely push your talents to the test if you are so willing.

I tend to get nervous about the idea of using other people’s OCs, to me it’s like someone handing you their baby and you’re worrid that you’re going to drop it. XD
Because it’s always a balancing act of trying to make them fit the tone of your narrative vs trying to portray them in a way that is respectful to the intent of the orginal author. Which is in some cases impossible if their stories are in a completely different tone, in that case changes would have to be made to entergrate them into the story, but understandbly not all authors are happy to see their creations reenvisoned.  It’s something I woulden’t consider unless I had a proper conversation with the creator about my intent and got their blessing.
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