Felarya's Darkest Hour

THIS IS CURRENTLY POSTPONED IM HAVE SOME OTHER THINGS I WANNA WORK ON (Dusting off my writing skills being one them XD)
Ps Just ignore ch.1 its not really that important and its written terribley

I take it this story will be non-canon since I don't think Karbo will simply allow you to just END Felarya or kill off characters.

Jakethecardsculptor wrote:

I take it this story will be non-canon since I don't think Karbo will simply allow you to just END Felarya or kill off characters.

Yeah its non-canon just a story im making

Tenebra Maze
2100 hours a group of Negav Mercenaries are Exploring the maze lost and confused theyre running out of options then one of them had an idea
"Lets just blow the hell out of that wall there" Merc068 said "Good idea" Merc879 replies pulling out a Rocket Luancher blasts down the nearby wall.
"That should do it" Merc068 says Then the eyes of several Wandering Nightmares open "Holy shit" Merc068 said before ducking down as the Nightmares rush out of the room.
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
"879,966,214 you ok guys? guys?" Merc 068 said before looking up seeing the room full of tresure. "Maybe them being gone is good more of this tresure for me!" Merc 068 said before grabbing a bunch of tresure "What do you think youre doing" a voice come from a dark part of the room "Its my tresure MINE!" Merc 068 yells into the darkness "I geuss I should thank you for releasing me" the voice replied "YES you should let me have all this tresure" Merc 068 replied "No I have a better plan" the voice replies before reviling herself as a darkness elemental "What could be better then this?" Merc 068 asked "Not having to live through what im gonna do next now that im free" the darkness elemental replied picking up the mercenary "W-w-w-what are you gonna do to me?!" Merc 068 asked the elemental didnt reply just putted him in her mouth and swallowed "Now to get back at the rest of Felarya" the darkness elemental said before leaving the maze "Wait.Who are you talking to?" Merc 068 asked from inside the elementals stomach

I agree exactly with what Ilceren said.

I'll offer a bit of basic advice that I seem to give quite often: Don't rush us through the story. A story is not simply a rapid succession of events. Take your time in writing it. Space it out. Take the time to give us a sense of the setting, the atmosphere, and who the characters are.

Draw us gradually into it. When we're reading a story, we want to feel relaxed, eased into it at a natural and comfortable pace. Or, we may want to feel stressed anxious because of suspense. But we certainly don't want to feel rushed! That's rather like being hurried through a museum by a tour guide who's saying "Don't stop and look! Keep going, keep going! Come on, hurry up, we have to reach the exit.".

Watch your narrative style. A written narrative is not told in the same way as a short oral anecdote that you tell your friends in passing. Read several stories by Felarya's best writers, to get a sense of how they do it.

Mind your spacing, punctuation, grammar and spelling. Errors are a distraction; they prevent the reader from getting into the story. People are only going to read something that they can enjoy. A potential reader is likely to think that if an author hasn't put much effort into the basics, he or she (the reader) has no reason to put any effort into deciphering it.

Those are just a few essentials... Good luck, and enjoy!

Well like I told Ilceren im rusty as fuck its been years sence ive wrote a story

Evernight Forest
2100 Hours
A slight slithering can be seen in the darkness,silent & deadly but calm & peaceful at the same time.
He appers from the shadowy forest,a mid-sized male naga,around 115 feet tall,his long black hair is rugged an slightly tangled.
His long purple tail with a black underbelly is his strongest physical abllity and his upper human body is toned and has scars schattering around it.His left eye is a light blue while the other is covered by an eyepatch,He sits down at the edge of the forest,staring at the moon silent as if he was waiting for something.His name is Dusk and hes alone but not for long.
A sudden blasting noise comes from the forest. What hell was that then a streak of darkness zips by guess answers my qeustion
As Dusk fallows the blur he is soon stopped as three Wandering Nightmares apper materalizing from the blur with apperences like hellhounds with snarling mouthes,peicing red eyes and dark arua surrounding them.

The first one pounces as Dusk draws his blade,A sword with a silver serpent-like dragon coiling around the hilt.
As the pouncing nightmare get close to Dusk he slashes his sword,Cutting the front end of the beasts snout.
As the wounded nightmare steps back wimpering the other two hide in the shadows "Weak fool" Dusk said before preparing to exacute the beast.
Before his blade hits the back of the beasts neck the other two nightmares pounce onto Dusk clamping their jaws down hard.Dusk falls to the ground as the beasts bite away the wounded one joins in as Dusk cries for help "Help! I cant take them...Somebody!......Anybody?" Dusk begins to black out before hearing his cries being awnsered
"Worry not naga help is on the way" a voice comes from the forest behind him two of the beasts back off Dusk and attack the source of the voice.Dusk has nearly blacked out only able to see the silhouettes of the two nightmares and a fairy with a sword similar to his fighting them.
The fairy starts to talk "your ok theyre naga? Sir? Sir." The fairy turns his head to see Dusk unconscious on the ground.

To be continued....

As dawn drew near the fairy is now standing over Dusk,defending him from the pack of wandering nightmares thats now seven in all,the fairy slashes away franticly"stand back foul beasts!" The fairy yells into the pack. Then from the shadows of the Evernight Forest a blood curling houl calls the nightmares back into the forest. Theyre leaving.Why? his qeustion soon to be anwsered. A giant Wandering Nightmare comes bursting from the trees of the forest.
He heard it first: The sound of crashing trees and birds trying to escape it.
The beast had an apperence akin to a Kensha beast with three heads,three spike tipped tails,large paws with frightening claws and grusome skin that looks like its continuesly bleeding. It was like a vision but there was no time to stare it was upon him "Go back to the pit of hell where you came from!" The fairy said slashing one of its paws off.
Two drops of blood come from where the fairy cut it paw off then turn into a pair of paws themself "What the-" the fairy said before getting slammed by the nightmare's new pair of paws.The fairy tries to fly towards the beast but woth no aval the nightmare hit him to hard and is now flying into part of a mountain.The nightmare aprouches Dusk before getting blasted by magic,The fairy looks to his right to see who casted the spell A beautiful naga sorceress with pale violet skin and light hair."Stand back!" The sorceress shouted at the beast blasting it with magic again "Ma'dam i have an idea!" The fairy shouts "What is it?" The sorceress asked "Fallow my lead!" The fairy said slashing one of the legs "Freeze the blood!" The fairy shouts "Got it!" The sorceress replied freezing the blood.The blood shatters the beast growls and charges towards the sorceress "Smile you son of a bitch!" The fairy said slashing the heads off "Now!" He screams to the sorceress.the sorceress freeze the 6 drops of blood.
The beast body shaked violently the disappered into darkness.
"That was close" the sorceress said "Indeed it was" the fairy repiled "well its gone now. So swordsman whats your name?" The sorceress asked "Avlar yours?" Avlar replied "Vivian." Vivian said "got a place safe for this man the heal?" Avlar asked pointing to Dusk "Yes I do" Vivian replied "Bring us to it" Avlar said picking up Dusk

Dusk awakens with Vivian on top of him "Hello" She said calmly "Uhh...Hi?" Dusk replies "How are you felling?" Vivian asked smiling "Ok.....now can you get off me?" Dusk asked "Vivian!" Avlar scolds "I told you if he shows signs of waking up get off him!" Avlar continues Vivian shrugs "Fine" she said jumping of Dusk "Wait...You were ok with her getting on me when I was unconscious?" Dusk asked "Yeah so?" Avlar replied "Youre all a bunch of freaks" Dusk said "Yeah but a bunch of freaks for help is better then no help at all!" A blond haired naga said joyfully"True" Dusk replied "Anyways...Who the hell are you guys?" Dusk asked "Im Avlar" Avlar said "Vivian" Vivian said with a slight grin on her face "And im Crisis!" The joyful blond naga said "and this is Anna she doesnt talk much" Crisis said point to a Reddish-Pink haired naga "ah the buzz-kill of the group" Dusk said playfully "Shut-up" Anna retorted "I dont like this one to much" Dusk said "Well good maybe I dont like you!" Anna replies "eh..Youre no fun" Dusk said "anyways what the hells going on out there?" Avlar asked "I dont know but Ill tell you one thing. Im gonna find out" Dusk said "Weather youre comming or not!"
"Ill come" Vivian saiid
"Same here" Avlar said
"Ill come it'll be fun!" Crisis said happily
"I guess I have to come" Anna said
"Good now if were gonna figure out whats going on were gonna need more help then this" Dusk said
"Well whats wrong with us" Vivian asked
"Nothing dear" Dusk said
"Why did you call me 'dear'?" Vivian asked
"No fucking clue" Dusk said
"What are waiting for lets go!" Crisis shouts
They walk to the entrence of the small cove they where in "Buzz-Kill" Dusk whispers into Anna's ear "Shut-up" Anna retorts
To be continued

DuskTheNaga wrote:

Ilceren wrote:

I see. You have all the time you need to 'refresh'. However, I must place emphasis on punctuation. It really is the difference between a story that is readable and something that is basically a huge pile of words next to one another.

Just saying so since I see that you don't even write them in your normal speech.

Yeah but my memory has been shit recently ill have a good idea then 10-20 minutes later im like "Fuck what was that idea again?

A good cure against that is to do what I do: First, write an outline of your story (main events and situations and interactions; possibly a few notable lines of dialogue...). Then, go over them carefully to see whether they make sense and to see whether they make a good, coherent potential story. Lastly, with your ideas now written down safely and no longer subject to the risks of memory loss, take your time calmly and serenely in writing the actual story, fleshing out the narratives and setting and characters.

In any case, even if you write a story quite quickly (which you shouldn't), that's no reason not to proof-read it and tidy it up afterwards.

DuskTheNaga wrote:

Spoiler:

Better already. You didn't rush immediately into confusing action, but took the time to set things a little at the start.

Quote :

A sudden blasting noise comes from the forest. "What the hell was that?" Dusk asks "Talking to myself again really! I need some freinds" then a streak of darkness zips by "Geuss that answers my qeustion" Dusk says watching the streak fly by "...Damnit talking to myself again!".

I wince every time I see characters do that. For some reason, having characters who constantly comment out loud on everything that they're thinking and doing is a common trope among bad writers. It happens far too often in stories, and it never makes sense. Please avoid it.

Quote :

As Dusk fallows the blur he is soon stopped as three Wandering Nightmares apper with apperences like hellhounds with snarling mouthes,peicing red eyes and dark arua surrounding them.

They appear? How? Out of where? Did they materialise out of the blur? Remember to give readers enough description and information to understand what's going on.

The present tense is difficult to use convincingly in a narrative. Unless you're an experienced writer going for a deliberate and well-constructed effect, use the past tense.

Lastly: Check spelling, grammar, punctuation (capital letters should not appear randomly in the middle of sentences) and vocabulary (I don't think you really meant to say that Dusk was "pasted out").

Dusk climbs to the top of a large jungle tree look out into all the darkness ahead "What do you see?!" Anna calls to him "Well Misses Buzz-Kill is see Darkness,Death and Destruction" Dusk replies "Any chances of survivors Fuck-Head?"
Anna asked "Probably not Bitch-Face" Dusk answered before sliding down the tree "Well it will help to look!" Crisis replies joyfully "True" Dusk said landing at the bottom of the tree "So were looking for survivors?" Avlar asked "Indeed Bitch-Face over here will probably die" Dusk answered.
Anna slaps Dusk "So im a bitch eh?" Anna asked "Yup" Dusk answered punching Anna knocking her to the ground "Oww you ass that hurt" Anna said holding the side of her face "And you thinking slapping me didnt hurt?" Dusk asked "No!!" Anna answered "Correct it didnt hurt Ive just wanted to punch you in the face sence I first met you" Dusk replied not being able to keep a straight face "And your friend here found it funny as hell" Dusk continued pointing to Crisis who was luaghing her ass off.

LATER

"Why did you punch me in the face!" Anna asked Dusk whinning "Oh shut up that was hours ago" Dusk replied Anna kept nagging on until a Giant Serpent like Wandering Nightmare comes up "Dont worry I have an idea!" Dusk said "And that be" Anna asked "This" Dusk anwsered punching Anna in the face again .
Then the Serpent comes charging down towards the group mouth wide open "Taste my blade slithering scum!" Avlar said slashing the roof of the beast mouth. The serpent clams his mouth down on Avlar. "Dont worry Avlar we have a plan!" Dusk calls out to Avlar "Whats that?" Vivian asked? "Bail" Dusk said softly as they run the serpent chases after intil the reach a small cove. Then the nightmare leaves.

Later.

"So what the plan with the survivor idea?" Dusk asked "What if there is no surviors. We'll have to repopulate!" Anna replied panicing "Im fine with that" Dusk replied "B-b-but lets keep looking!" Anna quickly replied "Awww" Vivian said dissapointed.

Later (again)

"DING Fries are done DING Fries are done DI-" Dusk is singing while they travel the ruins "Shut Up!" Anna shouts annoyed "Buzz kill" Dusk quickly retorts they keep slithering on untill the see a pregnant naga laying on the ground crying "What the hell is your problem?" Dusk asked seeming not to care "Dude your an ass" Anna said "And i was alone in the darkness for 100 years I dont know how to behave!" Dusk replied "your are the first group of people ive meet sence my mentor" the pregnant naga stood up "its just I lost my lover Ajab due to the darkness" she said
"Awww you lost your fuck-buddy thats sad" Dusk said "Pardon my friend here he talks harpy sometimes" Vivian said "How did you know? Have you been stalking me you weirdo. Then again a sexy naga stalking me isnt so bad" Dusk said "I just made that up on the fly." Vivian whispered to Dusk "Wait you think im sexy?" Vivian asked holding onto Dusk a loud dinging noise is heard "does that anwser your qeustion?" Dusk asked. Vivian looks down to see armour
over Dusk's crotch. Vivian starts giggling "Not right now!" Dusk said "Ok" Vivian replied winking.
"So pregnant naga chick whats your name?" Dusk asked "Jissy" Jissy answered "Face" Dusk said putting his hand over Jissy's face "So whats your names?" Jissy asked moving her face from Dusk's hand "Im Dusk thats Vivian clinging onto me" Dusk said "Im Crisis!" Crisis said joyfully "and im Anna" Anna said "No your name is bitch-face!" Dusk said playfully "My names not Bitch-Face!" Anna said whinningly "Sarcasm:The bodys natural defence ageinst stupidity" Dusk replied "Oh your were being sarcastic!" Anna said "yeah i was playing with you the whole time" Dusk said with a smile on his face "why dont you ever play with me?" Vivian asked whispering into his ear "Becuase i like you to much" Dusk whispered back

To be continued......

Hello

Ilceren wrote:

In this forum, there can be long periods of time when no one replies. It's normal. A bit demotivational, tough. It's also normal for you to get comments just in the few first chapters, then none at all. It's hard for people to keep commenting on each new chapter, they don't like to repeat it's good (or bad) again and again. So don't expect people to comment after each and every one of your chapters.

If you want an idea of how many people have read your story, then go to the "Stories discussion" subforum and check the "Views" count of your thread. If it rises, it means people are reading it. Of course, take care to count off your own visits to your thread.

Thats my problem I visit my forum try to write a chapter then my nook glitches out and I lose my work and it counts to my visit number.

DuskTheNaga wrote:

As dawn draws near the fairy is now standing over Dusk,defending him from the pack of wandering nightmares thats now in a group of 7,the fairy slashes away "stand back foul beasts!" The fairy yells into the pack.

Other than grammar, punctuation and tense, the main problem here is with the structure of the sentence. Again, it's something that I've seen many times before in writers who are just beginning: the tendency to write a long, string-along, rush-along sentence, which should in reality be broken into several, for the sake of pace as well as grammar.

To be more concrete: Here's how you could have done it:

As dawn drew near the fairy was standing over Dusk, defending him from the pack of wandering nightmares, now seven in all. He slashed away at them frantically. "Stand back, foul beasts!"

See the differences? Among other changes, I've removed elements that were superfluous (from the point of view of structure); this will enable you to emphasise other parts of the narrative that are more significant.

Quote :

Then from the shadows of the Evernight Forest a blood curling houl calls the nightmares back into the forest."Theyre leaving. Why?" The fairy asks his qeustion soon to be anwsered.A gaint Wandering Nightmare appers with the appers of a Kensha beast with three heads,three spike tipped tails,large paws with huge claws and skin that looks like its constantly bleeding. Comes rushing out of the forest charging towards the fairy

Grammar. And proof-read before posting! (A gaint Wandering Nightmare appers with the appers??)

Your character (a different one this time) is unaccountably talking to himself again. To avoid this, there's a very simple but very nifty narrative technique : indirect speech.

Thus, instead of

Quote :

"Theyre leaving. Why?" The fairy asks his qeustion

You'd have:

Quote :

They're leaving. Why?

(Italics, to indicate unvoiced thought.)

Or:

Quote :

They were leaving. Why?

(No italics, because it's indirect speech integrated into the narrative.)

Suggested alternative for the whole passage:

Quote :

Then from the shadows of the Evernight Forest a blood curling howl called the nightmares back into the forest. They were leaving. Why? The fairy's question was soon answered. A giant Wandering Nightmare rushed out from between the trees, bearing down upon him. He heard it, first; a great crashing sound, and the flapping of birds hurrying out of its way. Within a moment, it was almost upon him, and fully visible in that split second before he could react. It was akin to a kensha beat, but bore three heads, and three spike-tipped tails. Its large paws sported frighteningly huge claws, and its skin appeared ravaged, bleeding continuously. For the most part, though, it was a flash of a vision, a glimpse of something vicious and truly monstrous - and then there was no more time to stare at it. It was upon him.

Okay, so Dusk was alone for 100 years and that's why he acts like an ass? Is that surposed to be a real reason, or just Dusk talking bullshit? Because I am certainly thinking along the lines of bullshit, mostly because that despite him claiming that he was by himself for 100 years, he can still speak fluidly, hasn't lost toucth with social trends such as sarcasm and flirting and more importantly, hasn't succumbed to any mental characterstics one would associated with social exclusion. After a hundred years I'd think he should have lost all grip on reality all together, unable to communicate or even be aware of anyone that isn't in his fantasy world.

If anything he is very socialy functionable, he's just an asshole. If his excuse is surposed to bullshit then fair enougth, but if it isn't, then you might want to rethink it.

DarkOne wrote:

Okay, so Dusk was alone for 100 years and that's why he acts like an ass? Is that surposed to be a real reason, or just Dusk talking bullshit? Because I am certainly thinking along the lines of bullshit, mostly because that despite him claiming that he was by himself for 100 years, he can still speak fluidly, hasn't lost toucth with social trends such as sarcasm and flirting and more importantly, hasn't succumbed to any mental characterstics one would associated with social exclusion. After a hundred years I'd think he should have lost all grip on reality all together, unable to communicate or even be aware of anyone that isn't in his fantasy world.

If anything he is very socialy functionable, he's just an asshole. If his excuse is surposed to bullshit then fair enougth, but if it isn't, then you might want to rethink it.

Dusk was alone for 100 year ture
He acts like an ass when things go wrong,change or hes lost all knowing whats going on
In this case its number 3. A random explosion and then a dark blur comes cuasing the end of the world
Dusk's mind is in the WTF Is going on! Status
Now Dusk is socally unstable in this time and like he said to Anna. He does it in playful way (im not the best at writing emotions)
He will get better when he gets a better clue on whats going on.
He'll be calm,nice and happy but still serious.
Now about the speaking thing Dusk is 125 years old he had 25 to learn talking and his magic mentor helped him with that

I have to be honest. You're losing me with this one.

You have a great idea. I too have kicked around the idea of a scenario in which the world of Felarya could possibly be threatened or destroyed. In fact, before I started on my "Ayralef" project I almost went forward with this idea instead. I'm sure lots of authors in this group have had similar notions.

But it's a delicate subject, even if we are talking about a non-canon story. People are going to be openly critical of the very idea going in, and you have to change their minds. You have to do it with coherent story flow, outstanding characters, and intelligent dialogue. To say nothing of the action content of the story itself.

I'm sure you've been seeing French-Snack's helpful tips sprinkled throughout this thread. You would do very well to take his advice and apply his recommendations to your story before you completely lose your audience. Otherwise, I would suggest you practice your writing style on some less ambitious projects before starting something as important as this story.

Jakethecardsculptor wrote:

I have to be honest. You're losing me with this one.

You have a great idea. I too have kicked around the idea of a scenario in which the world of Felarya could possibly be threatened or destroyed. In fact, before I started on my "Ayralef" project I almost went forward with this idea instead. I'm sure lots of authors in this group have had similar notions.

But it's a delicate subject, even if we are talking about a non-canon story. People are going to be openly critical of the very idea going in, and you have to change their minds. You have to do it with coherent story flow, outstanding characters, and intelligent dialogue. To say nothing of the action content of the story itself.

I'm sure you've been seeing French-Snack's helpful tips sprinkled throughout this thread. You would do very well to take his advice and apply his recommendations to your story before you completely lose your audience. Otherwise, I would suggest you practice your writing style on some less ambitious projects before starting something as important as this story.

Ive been fallowing his tips and ive written before im just rusty as fuck

Some things to know-
-Milly and Subeta joined.
-Dusk was an ass like normal.
-Almost everyone is sick of it
And so our story continues (I skipped a bit becuase people are getting confused)

Dusk slithers his way into the cove.
"Hey guys" Dusk said walking in
"What the fuck do you want" Anna snaps at Dusk
"I came to apologize for the way I was acting" Dusk said remaining calm
"Oh you came to apologize for being a major ass!" Anna snaps back
"Why dont you just do us a favor and crawl back to the dark deep pit of hell came from" Subeta snapped
"Whats your problem? I havent been an ass to you yet." Dusk asked
"Anna and Ive been talking" Subeta answered
"You bitch" Dusk said to Anna playfully
"See this is what ive been talking about!" Anna said
"I was playing but fine ill go back to the 'deep dark pit in hell where I came from' " Dusk said drawing his athame making a oval like shape and put a mysterious symbol inside it drawing a portal to hell,slithered inside,looked at Subeta and flipped the bird "Im usally cool with insualts but that hurt me, I do it playfully. You meant it" Dusk said keeping a netural expression and then closed the portal "You think I pushed him to far?" Subeta asked "Its Dusk who gives a fuck." Anna answered

Meanwhile in Hell
(Some important info Twilight is a darkness elemental Alter ego,Transformation thingy now Twilight is the dark part of Dusks soul and made an essence of its own. So basicly Twilight is trapped inside Dusk and Dusk can use Twilight's body and all Twiight can do is torment Dusk so

Twilight is underlined
Dusk isnt
So there you go back to the story)


Deep dark pit in Hell ill show her Dusk starts thinking slithering through Hell Now look at you Dusk a
darker voice came in his mind
Alone again?
Naturally
Im not surprized they told you to fuckoff youre useless
Im not useless
You couldnt even take on three of these nightmares heh seems useless to me
Just stop!
Youre letting me win heh-heh-heh "Stop it just stop it" Dusk starts blurting out "What the fuck is wrong with you" A succubus asked "You just jealous that the voices talk to me and not to you!" Dusk retorted


To be continued.....maybe.....hopefully.....
BTW im Doing and .1 and .2 system .1=group .2=Dusk until Dusk rejoins the group

As the sun sets by the river and night draws near. Being lost is a death wish and unfortunately for our team thats where they stand.
"Does anyone know where the cove is?" Subeta asked worrying "Nope and if we cant get back before nightfall we'll be dead" Vivian replied "Vivian. Not the answer I wanted" Subeta said "So you wanted everything to be nice and peachy?" Vivian asked raising an eyebrow "....Yes" Subeta soon replied "This isnt happening" Crisis said the cheerful and carefree naga now panicing sitting on the ground rocking back and forth "Dont worry Crisis. We'll get through this we always do" Anna said putting a hand on Crisis's shoulder.

The moon has risen and the group is still lost but have set up a small camp "What happened before Dusk left?" Vivian asked sitting next to the fire "Ummm...He came in,He apologized,We told him fuck off,He left. The end" Anna said sitting on the other side of the fire "Subeta what was the last thing you told him and how did he react?" Vivian asked
"Well I kinda told him something that offended him" Subeta said sitting next to Crisis who was still rocking "That was?" Vivian asked "Why dont you just crawl back to the deep dark pit in Hell where you came from. Then he said fine,pulled out a knife,drew a portal,flipped me off and left. I want that knife" Subeta answered "Why are you so worryed about Dusk anyways" Anna asked "Well after Avlar went missing he was kinda the only male left so yeah" Vivian said "Oh so your thinking with your virgina again?" Anna asked "Yes. I mean no! I mean...can we just stop talking about it" Vivian said

Then out of the shadows a pack of nightmares apper with apperences of many types come crawling towards the group.

To be continued........