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kfahchan Tasty morsel
Posts : 6 Join date : 2014-05-03
| Subject: Kfah's Stories-in-progress Mon May 05, 2014 11:13 am | |
| Hello, as a few of you know, and I'm sure the rest of you can gather, I'm new here. I hope we can get along. In any case, I'm quite interested in writing stories under the Felaryian setting, but I'm as new to writing as I am to this forum. For that reason, I have created this thread. Below, I have an excerpt of the start of my first attempt at something. What I want to know is, is it interesting? Does it make you want to read more? And, should you be willing, what exactly about it is off? Too much description? Too little? Is the tempo off? Anything jarr you as you read it? Glarring spelling/grammatical errors? Really, any feedback is appreciated, so please let me know if you do have any. The Introduction: - Untitled Work:
“Fate” was something that Anthony had struggled with for most of his short life. He didn't like it. To him, were there a god, then it was a being of evil. A sadistic monster that scoffed at the very concept of fairness. If there were such a being, Anthony was ready to declare war upon him. It was this mindset that kept him with a calm demeanour. He didn't have time to worry; because, at any moment, he might need to take on that battle. Most others in the room carried the same steadfast determination. It was as if their entire lives had been for this expedition.
The room itself was vast. Walls of chiseled stone worn smooth over hundreds of years and in its centre a circular stone platform. It was currently littered with computers and cables, hooked up to what could best be described as a metal door frame. Around it, people were bustling quickly. Checking and modifying data. This wasn't the first time these engineers had done this. Anthony wouldn't be here if it was.
In front of him, his hands gripped the handles of a wheel chair. On his back, a pack of supplies. In the wheelchair, a young girl sat; her green eyes shone with the same hardened conviction. Her motives were different from Anthony's. He knew it. He had spent the last six years living for her. This endeavour was for her too. But, to her, this was for their foster family.
The Val'veeras were a wealthy family and had sponsored the entire project. It wasn't easy, or legal, but the Val'veeras were used to dabbling in the forbidden and failure was practically bred out of them. If it wasn't for the link between Jess and the family head's son, both she and Anthony would still be stuck in the orphanage. Or adopted out to a more modest family for whatever, most often selfish, reason. But he wouldn't dwell on it. That attribute, that had spared them a fate of mediocrity, was the greatest curse he knew. And, it was why he hated the world.
The middle of the room lit up. A loud humming noise filled the room and echoed off of its solid walls. It was nauseating. The source of the light, the large door-like metal frame, now had a shimmering quality to it. But, it wasn't just light; it was an image. Green, lush, plant life as if it were a portal into another realm. That is, of course, because it was. A few in the room betrayed looks of wonder at the majesty of the situation. To most, inter-dimensional travel was nothing more than fiction. Yet, here they were, prepared and in formation for just such an experience. And so, those within the room began their procession into the foreign world.
When Anthony exited the portal everything went silent. He was shaky; his hefty gear pack and firearm nearly bringing him to his knees. The only thing stopping him was his sister's trust and well being. It was amazing how much power had went into stabilizing the portal from the other side; how amplified it became in the closed off stone chamber. Yet, none of that seemed to escape the portal into this jungle landscape. The next thing Anthony noted was the enormity of everything. He expected it, of course. It was in the advanced group's report. So was the healing properties of this land. That's why the whole operation had taken place. It was why he was here. Why Jess was here.
Before he knew it, the leaders of the group, platoon leaders, had been updated by the advanced group and they had set to work on setting up tents and barricades. Camp was mere feet from the portal, now gone, but its place was clearly marked. There were hordes of people in the camp. Mostly soldiers, they worked with precise co-ordination. There was good reason for the extensive training that went into the project. Despite its serene nature, it was known to be a dangerous world. So much so that their people had not wandered it in a hundred years. But that was the gambit of the rich; and they were the pawns.
Anthony was quick at work as well. Across from him, a woman in her early 20's. She wore a restrictive maid uniform. Frilly white apron-like design over black cloth ballooning out at the sides, yet still managing to conform to her gorgeous figure. Anthony's uniform was a sharp suit of the same scheme. It had been a condition for his living with the family; to train as a servant, but his abilities could not match someone who had been raised with the family. Especially not when she had over half a decade on him.
Jess sat a short while away, still in her wheelchair, a thoughtful expression painted across her face. It pained Anthony when he saw that look. It reminded him of how she lamented her condition. To be struck by guilt when she couldn't help with work. It only added to his scorn of life. Beside her was Ali, a brother to both of them but far worse for wear. Like Jess, he was also confined to a wheelchair. He was the visage of what would come for her if this last-ditch effort proved equally fruitless.
Meanwhile Elizabeth, the maid, had already pinned half of the large tent. As always, he was having trouble keeping up. He furrowed his eyebrows and picked up his pace. The strong energies of his desire to prove himself targeted to the task at hand. To him, Elizabeth had been a teacher for the three years she had worked with him. She had only just graduated the Val'veeras' standard servant training program but her seemingly endless skill-set continued to dizzy him even today. That majesty had not come without sacrifice, and at the time it was a breaking point for Anthony's youthful idealism.
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| | | Nyaha Eternal Optimist
Posts : 3845 Join date : 2007-12-09 Age : 31 Location : Canada. ^.^ Goooooo Snow!
| Subject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress Mon May 05, 2014 3:54 pm | |
| Well, I do think you show promise. You're definitely one of the better beginner writers I think we've had around here. ^_^ I'm Nyaha by the way. Welcome to the community. For reference, I'm the friendly one. Yes, THE friendly one. Everyone else around here is friendly but I'm like SUPER-friendly. It's not weird, though, I'm Canadian. ;D
I think, right off the bat, you've showed that you've done your homework on the setting. You have a basic idea of what Felarya is and why people might travel there. It's different from other beginners in that most of them, as I hear, tend to write their characters accidentally falling into Felarya, whereas yours have arrived there both intentionally and, if I read this right, not of their own free will, which is interesting.
I have to say, though, I'm having some trouble following Anothony's thought processes. I might just need someone to explain them to me, or you might need to do a better job of describing them. Personally, I think some description of facial expressions would help someone like me follow along immensely.
The story is kind of interesting. I'm curious to see just what makes these people worth writing about. Why did they come to Felarya, what's going to happen to them, and how will they deal with it?
I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors which makes me very happy. I tend to make long posts pointing out every little error. XD | |
| | | kfahchan Tasty morsel
Posts : 6 Join date : 2014-05-03
| Subject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress Tue May 06, 2014 10:35 am | |
| As it turns out, I also hail from "The Great White North". Not so white at the moment, though. :3
Thank you so much for your feedback! It's really helpful. Is it possible to give a few examples of what you feel is keeping you out of the character's head? I would be eternally greatful! Also, please don't be afraid to bring out the big bits of critism. I can take it.
I'm also feeling that my main character here is a bit too whiny. And I seem to have made a habit of ominous cliffhangers at the endings of my paragraphs. This inhibits its flow; almost making it too choppy and regular. I'm trying to tone that down as well without declawing the story. Rythm is hard when you have so much to focus on. x.x
I wanted to have a second draft up the next time I posted but, as it happens, writing is tricky. But I did want to thank you. I'll do my best to turn that "sort of interesting" into "I can't put this down". ;) | |
| | | Archmage_Bael Mara's snack
Posts : 4158 Join date : 2009-05-05 Age : 36 Location : Shatterock Caldera
| Subject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress Tue May 06, 2014 1:29 pm | |
| - Nyaha wrote:
- It's not weird, though, I'm Canadian. ;D
So is Shady Knight. ...Anyway, you show promise I agree, very good at expressing yourself and what you know, which by the way seems to be a lot more than usual. We're used to people showing interest in getting further involved in the community, and joining the forum before reading the wiki (vice versa has happened to, apparently which is what you must've done - there's no rule for or against that).\ That being said you could practice making use of commas with your periods so your story flows better, and work on expressing the five senses as much as possible (but overdoing it is possible, like "long-wall-of-text-paragraph-overdoing-it"). Welcome to the forum | |
| | | Nyaha Eternal Optimist
Posts : 3845 Join date : 2007-12-09 Age : 31 Location : Canada. ^.^ Goooooo Snow!
| Subject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress Tue May 06, 2014 2:05 pm | |
| - Archmage_Bael wrote:
- Nyaha wrote:
- It's not weird, though, I'm Canadian. ;D
So is Shady Knight. Well then he is not true Canadian. But at least he hasn't reached Justin Beiber levels of un-Canadian-ness. :3 | |
| | | jedi-explorer Felarya cartographer
Posts : 1474 Join date : 2011-12-06 Age : 36 Location : Fantasy Land ^_^
| Subject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress Sun May 11, 2014 11:25 am | |
| This is weird. o.O I dreamed an RP sceenerio like this up years ago but abandoned it. I don't even think I told anyone of it, but man the similarities are amazing. Not to say you stole it, in fact it's a little better written and less Indiana Jones or Mummy-like that my idea though just as a cool....Though I wonder. What is the girl, Jess, in the wheel chair for? If her legs are broken there's a chance the healing factor will work, but if it's dissiase? I think it's be canonically esbatlished you could come to Felarya with cancer or some other genetic illness and the healing factor can't save you? I do seem to remember that somewhere...Then again this place changes the rules only a little less than Doctor Who! XD So who knows? Either way you have me hooked for now! Do more than the sampler and I'd be happy to read it. | |
| | | kfahchan Tasty morsel
Posts : 6 Join date : 2014-05-03
| Subject: Re: Kfah's Stories-in-progress Thu May 15, 2014 7:17 pm | |
| - jedi-explorer wrote:
- If her legs are broken there's a chance the healing factor will work, but if it's dissiase? I think it's be canonically esbatlished you could come to Felarya with cancer or some other genetic illness and the healing factor can't save you? I do seem to remember that somewhere...Then again this place changes the rules only a little less than Doctor Who! XD So who knows? Either way you have me hooked for now! Do more than the sampler and I'd be happy to read it.
It would be good to know if this was true or not as, yes, a pivitol point of the story relies on this. I had thought the healing properties would make you asymptomatic. By my understanding, if you had a genetic disorder that caused your digestive system to convert lactose to poison, then this process would be inhibited. In this case, you could eat dairy on Felayra but not when you leave... best not to leave less than 14 hours after that glass of milk. Though in the case of a genetic disease that is dormant until triggered, it might return you to a "good state" and you could be effectively cured as long as you avoid being re-introduced to the trigger... that sounds like a fun idea. A character that has to run to Felayra to "reset" their body state every time their disease gets triggered. The amount of days/months it takes to reset is how long they need to survive the jungle. And then you made me come across the back story of Lord Thelandros and suddenly I feel like the back story of another character I have planned is ripping other characters off. ;.; PS: Still working on this but I've been a bit busy lately. Been reading up a lot on writing techniques too. @.@ Thanks again for the feedback. I can never understate how helpful it is. | |
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