The Adventure Friends

I decided to use links to Deviantart instead of posting the story here. Edit: The story is going forward and it's fun!   I also tried to improve my writing in every chapter, and I think it got better.

Chapter 1, part 1: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/Felarya-The-Adventure-Friends-Chapter-1-Part-1-500827017?q=gallery%3ASandishy&qo=2

1, part 2: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/Felarya-The-Adventure-Friends-Chapter-1-Part-2-500830021?q=gallery%3ASandishy&qo=1

2: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/Felarya-The-Adventure-Friends-Chapter-2-500862844?q=gallery%3ASandishy&qo=0

3: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/Felarya-The-Adventure-Friends-Chapter-3-502171566?q=gallery%3ASandishy%2F51536771&qo=4

4: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/Felarya-The-Adventure-Friends-Chapter-4-505524302?q=gallery%3ASandishy%2F51536771&qo=3

5: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/Felarya-The-Adventure-Friends-Chapter-5-511208107?q=gallery%3ASandishy%2F51536771&qo=2

Character bio for Trixella, the giant naga: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/Character-bio-Trixy-512096130

6: http://sandishy.deviantart.com/art/The-Adventure-Friends-Chapter-6-512386726?q=gallery%3ASandishy&qo=0

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Hey Jeij. This is the story you wanted some input on, right? Well, here goes.

First, I think you've got a pretty believable reason for the humans and nagas joining forces, but I think you may not have thought out the village defenses very well. First of all, if the humans have a group of giant nagas protecting them, why do they need anything else? Take Safe Harbor as an example. Last I checked, it's primary, or even only means of defense against predation is the lone giantess Jade and her fearsome reputation as a combatant. Whatever didn't avoid her territory out of fear can be handled by Jade herself. I think if they can pull that off, Victoryana could, too.

Second, it might be difficult to understand, but because Felarya never links up with Earth, English doesn't exist there, so technically "victory" isn't a word anyone knows. This complaint is pretty minor, since the evidence isn't hard or fast, but it's something to keep in mind when using wordplay or naming things like this.

You wrote:

She put it down on the small open area on the table with a bang and looked at him with one eye, smiling slugly.

I think you meant "smugly"?

You wrote:

These trees were just enormoys.

Enormous.

You wrote:

"Of course!" Trixessa said and started to move.

Isn't her name Trixella?

You wrote:

Trixella let Matt get off on a branch

Potential double entendre. Not a problem, just thought I'd point it out for fun. XD

I noticed a lack of your story addressing the dangers of the water. There's no defenses there, no mention of natura deterrents for mermaids' ilk, and you even go so far as to mention your main character surfing, as if there was no danger to be had. This is a huge hole, and you need to close it.

Not sure what to say about the story overall. It seems nice. Though I feel like Matt could stand to have a little more personality. He's not a terribly interesting character. Trixella seems like a good time, but altogether not really anything we haven't seen in a predatory character before. I guess we'll see how they turn out as you develop them.

Strange. Did I read this on Deviantart or something? Well, I am not really sure what I can add. It is a well thought out alliance, and I generally agree with anything Nyaha says. ((That is always best for my continued health.))