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 Mara's Adventures

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Stabs
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeTue Dec 07, 2010 8:06 am

Mara's adventures part 1-

Wielder. It's as you say indeed, it was unexpected that she actually talked to them instead of eating them. If you hadn't told me the reason somewhere else, I'd have thought it came from left field.

Part 2-

Again, Irvin's hate of predators came from left field. You said nothing about it until his boss ratted him out to the audience.
On a sidenote, your area transition has no sequence. That's a mistake.
Though you got better in the next chapter, judging from Karbo's words, your choice of words is completely stoic here. You merely describe the situation; as a reader, all I get to say is "oh, that sounds about right." Try fluffing out your paragraphs a bit, don't just tell us how things felt. Make us feel some of it.

I won't bug you about how Irvin got to Negav alone and so quickly. That's up to you.

Part 3-

It's super effective! Bael fainted.

Meanwhile on the outside of the city. Glad to know you got... a little bit better.
The edition I read still had most of its typos and tense inconsistencies. But other than that, I think everything checks out.

Part 4-

I'm getting all sleeeeeeeepy...
The true protagonist here was the architecture, I guess.
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Archmage_Bael
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeTue Dec 07, 2010 8:34 pm

I've never really gotten transitions. English teachers have told me that before, but outside of just changing from scene 1 to scene 2, I'm not sure I understand how to do it, even after reading many other stories. I often just try and copy how they do it, I guess my main concern is what do I use in between from "group one is here" and "group 2 is there" a description of scenery?

Also I must point out something else. I've had someone tell me that it seems that the interrogator shouldn't "just know" that Bael has association with predators. While that may be a good point for any other person, an interrogator does not need to know whether or not the person he's interrogating is guilty or innocent of anything, his job is to get the person to admit to what he's being accused of regardless of whether or not he's innocent. Granted I may need to put that in as an explanation, but I thought that general interrogation concepts like that would be common knowledge.

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Shady Knight
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeWed Dec 08, 2010 5:15 am

Bael, you do realize you just spoiled something?
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Archmage_Bael
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeSat Jan 15, 2011 9:54 pm

Here is what I have for part 7. There's probably going to be a few grammatical errors, I always seem to miss those. I just hope there isn't anything like what happened a few chapters ago with the name mixup @_@ that was terrible...
_____________________________
Kaian took a deep breath among the cold night air. He stared straight down the narrow street, the buildings on either side stood a few stories tall, with ledges to walk across on each level. On the ground were wooden crates and other supplies littering the edge of the walkway. Only one or two people walked down these mazes of buildings and streets every so often, which was good.

He was sure he was looking at the right house, partly because of some of the voices coming through the walls. Walls in Negav weren't exactly sound proof; they were just thick. He turned quickly and walked back in the other direction in a quick pace. There were still guards stationed in various spots along the major streets. With luck, he would be able to get a handful to follow him on this brief rescue mission.

He stepped out onto a main street, and thought to himself. This had better be worth it, he doesn't like playing dirty, but some times it must be done to quickly overcome an obstacle like what they were facing. It would have been equally wrong to just leave the cafe owner to handle this by himself.

A couple guards stood in place about a dozen yards away. One looked dreadfully bored, the other intently followed the movements of those around him. His eyes attached to Kaian, saluting once the Captain came within range.

“Good evening sir.”

“I need you two to come with me for a little side trip, so to speak.”

“Sir?”

“We might need another pair as well. I'll be waiting by the entrance to that street down there, go get a couple guards nearby and meet me there. I'll brief you when you're back.”

Meanwhile Mara lay against the wall with boxes all around her. She didn't try to break free in this situation, without access to her spells it would be impossible. It didn't stop her from looking around carefully though. She went over what happened earlier; a meeting with Kaian, a talk of strategy, then these thieves broke into the cafe. In an attempt to disband them and save the owner, she will be acting as a hostage. She had to trust Kaian, even if it might seem a little soon. He's a friend of Bael's after all, and that means he'll arrive in time to save her.

Just then the door to the room opened quietly. A young man stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. He was wearing loose clothing with folds layered one over the other, and had black hair with a young face.

“You look familiar...” Mara thought to herself. Her eyes squinted as he passed through the boxes over to her position. He was not with the three who tried to kill the cafe owner, though he looked like he was one of them.

“Well well well...I had heard about the possibilities...” He chuckled to himself, and turned around to make sure the door was locked.

“You look exactly like her. That fairy, and if I hadn't been watching you, I wouldn't believe it either.”

“You couldn't have been watching me! I was going all over Negav, and besides I don't even know who...you...” Mara trailed off. For some reason her mind flashed back to the group of people she helped rescue from the mantoid attack. He looked like the merchant's assistant. Why was he with thieves? He said he was watching her? He must have gotten lucky in finding her.

“I made sure to wait for you as soon as I could get back to the city entrance. I tracked your initial movements myself before waiting in certain locations.”

“Sounds more like luck to me.”

“Watch your mouth! This moment I've dreamed about.” He walked closer to Mara slowly, and kneeled down a few feet away from her.

“Do you think when they attacked it was coincidence? I know who you're after, and you wont be able to rescue him. I've hired these guys to make it seem like they're robbing the cafe as a way to trap you two.”
He lost eye contact for a brief second. He hoped all six of them would go, but they said they had something else to do. On the chance Mara would recognize him, he didn't go with the others, but waited in a back room.

“None of that matters now though...” Irvin put a hand on her ankle, and she replied with a sudden kick to the stomach, sending him over backward.

“You bitch!”
“Don't touch me like that!” Mara bowed her head a little, her eyes traveling between the floor and Irvin. She remembered the person from the elevator in the mage buildings who kept blushing at her. It seems a lot of humans thinks she's pretty. A compliment she doesn't need right now. She looked up at him fiercely, and scowled; he seemed determined to have his way.

Kaian turned his back over to see four guards standing behind him.

“Ah, you're all here. Follow me.”

He walked down the narrow side street, and spoke quietly with them.

“There's a group of thieves hiding out in a house ahead, with a girl captive. Our objective is to take them by surprise, and round them up. A couple will be wounded already, from marks given when I fought them.”

“You fought them?”

“Yes, they tried to rob a cafe, and Knocked one out, and wounded the other.” He paused and made a motion to stay silent. He pointed down the street, to indicate the house was just ahead. It was lucky the residence didn't have windows on the lower floor.

They continued on down the street, keeping clear of the boxes and other potentially noisy obstructions. The house ahead looked like it was made out of stucco, with wooden frames around the door, and a little balcony up on the second floor, with an arched bridge spanning across the tiny street to what looked like a second level of a pedestrian street. They were in a dense residential area, and many tens of thousands of people lived in this compact area. It bore no resemblance to a commercial zone, even though one was really close.

Kaian crept up to the door, with the other four guards standing behind him. He put his ear up to listen, but heard little. It was just talk that could be discussed by anyone, but he recognized a voice with one of the thieves from before.

Without warning Kaian put his hand on the door knob, and twisted. It was locked. There was no time, it may be unorthodox, but bashing in the door was his next best option. He did just that, the door opened from one end, and damaged the hinges on the other side. There was a crack down the other end where his body made contact with the wood.

Kaian drew his sword and rushed in, followed by his four guards. The four men in the main room stood up, suddenly, and ran to grab their weapons. Kaian ran to the closest thug, and slammed the pommel of his weapon into the man's backside, knocking out. The guards drew their weapons, and met their opponents in a five on three fight.

With a couple of the guards double teaming, they had the upper hand. The thugs were trying to react quickly to counter their opponents, but the guards held them at long range with two spears. The thug who went one on one with the guard shook with confidence. He picked up something from the coffee table and threw it at his opponent, then bashed him with the sword, sending the guard off balance.

Kaian still felt anxious, his thoughts drifted to Mara's safety while he helped to pin his opponents down. He wanted to make sure he had more men just in case he ran into a little trouble.

Kaian saw the guard next to him rush in to strike the thug, and side stepped as he tried to flank. The enemy stepped backward, as he held up his weapon to block. His fight took place in a three foot radius, and the guard next to him with a spear was beaten back by their opponent. Kaian quickly moved in on the side and struck their opponent with a fist to knock him out instead of killing him. The other 3 guards teamed up and quickly overwhelmed the cornered thug, who threw down his weapon and surrendered, the guards quickly seized his weapon, which he then rushed to get and thrust into the guard taking the weapon. The guard holding the weapon tried to move, but received a miniature puncture wound on his side, as the chainmail and terrible angle blocked most of the blow.

“Death!” The thug yelled before getting stabbed by a guard.

Kaian rushed over to help the last fighting guard with another squad mate running behind. Seeing his friend killed, he threw down his weapon in front of him and backed up in a surrender, preferring life over death.

The guards rounded up the two remaining conscious people, and tied them up, along with unconscious thug, who was sound asleep.

“Keep watch over them, I'm going in the back to search.”

A few minutes ago-

Hearing the racket, the leader of the group stood up quietly, and snuck out a back door, leaving it open as he ran off in a hurry, leaving Irvin the only one left.

Irvin was bending over Mara and put his hands to her legs to try and pin them down. Once her legs were pinned together, he sat over them, and moved his hand up to her neck.

“With you, that Mage is as good as dead, if I deliver you to them, he will be sentenced to death in the mines...and you will receive a life time imprisonment, it will be fun to get information out of you.”

“You're just like every other rotten human out there!”

“I'm rotten? Look at what you do to us! It's disgusting! You say I'm rotten...with you here...” Irvin trailed off, and didn't finish.

“With me here, I'll rescue him, and you'll be as good as gone!”

There was a crashing noise in the back, and a battle cry as men engaged in a fight.

“Damn that was quick. It looks like I've gotta run...”

Irvin wrapped his forearms around Mara's back, and held him close to her. His strength held her firm against his chest as he started to undo the main chain that attached her arms to the wall, but left her wrists together. He cackled to himself as he tried to back off. Mara put her legs against any vertical surface she could find, and once she found one, pushed hard in an attempt to knock Irvin over.

They fell to the floor with a thud, and he let most of his grip go. Unfazed, Mara sat up, and hopped clumsily over to the door, but her shins ached horribly, and her walking strength was naturally weak.

Kaian seemed to be taking his time, but after the fight was done, he ran over to the back to check the rooms, calling out Mara's name. As he went further back, he wasn't able to see any particular part of the wall, it was covered up in some picture, decoration, cloth, even the floor has pads in various locations. Each of the rooms seemed to be used as storage for weapons and supplies. One of the room he barged into had some guns on a rack, but there wasn't any ammo to be seen.

“Well that answers that question...”

Meanwhile, Irvin looked back at Mara as he lay on the ground. She focused her attention on the door., and it was his mission to grab her no matter what. He got to his hands and knees and crawled over to the back window, silently reaching up a hand to slide it open. Irvin then pulled himself up and turned around to sit with his rear on the windowsill and faced Mara...

Kaian turned back to the hallway to hear voices from his men as they restrained the thugs. He had nothing to worry about, except Mara. He made his way through the littered hallway, and up the stairs to see two doors, one was open, and looked more like an office with a bed than anything else. There was a door in the back of that room that was also open. Whoever was there had escaped, he hoped it was not Mara, but some how knew that she still had control of the situation, it certainly seems like she would.

“Mara! Are you here?”

“Kaian! Get me out of here! The door's locked!”

“Get back! I'm breaking down the door!”

Kaian waited a few seconds for Mara to stand back, as a precaution before charging the door. It crashed down, with cracks in the side where he blew the hinges off the door. It hit the floor, the air underneath blew out the dust all over the room.

Then there was a high pitched scream. It broke through the air, reaching any nearby person. Kaian glared ahead at the Irvin, who had Mara in his grasp near the window. Immediately realizing the weakness, the man grinned and chuckled.

“Oh come now, you dont actually think you'll get away like that do you?”

“What are you smirking about? I'll knife her if you come any closer!”

“There we have your little problem, you're at a window. Try stepping over that window without making sure you wont fall off the ledge behind it, and even if you do, both your feet will be on that ledge.”

Irvin realized it, but also knew. It was his only means of escape. Once the guards broke in, it made things a lot more difficult for him to get out of there. Why did Mara have to resist him? She was chained up and in his grasp. He remained scowling at Kaian, knowing he won this round. Slowly he stepped forward, with his knife against her soft neck. Kaian had his sword drawn, and so Irvin tossed Mara directly at that point suddenly.

“You want her? You can have her!”

Kaian was forced to drop his weapon to catch Mara without stabbing her. As Kaian caught her he saw Irvin jump through the window, and heard him run across the ledge.

“Shit! We have to get him...”

“Kaian...you must go! I'll be fine!”

“You're injured!”

“I'll wait here, find out where he's going! Forget protocol for now!”

Kaian knew that as well as she, and did not need her to tell him. The truth is just that he's very worried about her safety.

“Lets look at who we're talking about Kaian...” he thought to himself as he ran toward the window. He looked back and nodded, his face expressing his concern, and she knew that he'd be back real soon.

Kaian jumped through the window, keeping his hands tightly against the edge. His armor helped gravity pull him down toward the street, and there was an annoying scraping sound as the metal brushed the side of the building. Without hesitation, he let his hands fall to the ledge that Irvin ran across, and then dropped from there into the alleyway with a thud. The metal boot hurt his feet as they met the paved street.

He endured it. Kaian took off running, and turned the corner looking to the right, which led further into the center of Negav along a main road. His assumtion was correct. His target wasn't looking back as he ran hurriedly down toward wherever his base was. Was he even going toward a base? It could just be his home, but he had a feeling this man was part of something bigger, which means there was a chance he'd flee to another organization.

It didn't matter, Kaian followed him carefully, running down the street, but his armor made him stand out. Kaian was careful to hide behind a large object or wall every so often in effort to make sure he's not noticed. The man just kept running forward though.

- - -

Bael remained clenched tightly with his limbs restrained and his magic restrained. He thought carefully, and rapidly, making sure to keep his mind in tact as a way to fight the de-grading impulses he felt itching at his mind. Those circular objects in the corner it seemed drained the magic in the area, so there was no way he could cast a spell. The chains prevented him from moving, so what could he do to escape? He cant just rely on Mara, even if he knew she was coming for him. He smirked in an amusing image of Mara stampeding through the building after learning she had him.

“It'd sure be nice if I could grow eighty feet tall...”

Wait that's it! The magic, like fairy wings are great focus points of magical energy, and much like the magic draining objects all around him, if they were broken one by one then he'd gain his ability to cast magic. Those objects he knew was made of a material with an inscription that drains the magic in the atmosphere around it, with a one-way protective shield to prevent the magic from going back out.

However, that was the weak point. The shielding material keeps the magic inside, but to do that, cant completely negate magic itself, because the magic can only be drained by magic, it also would hold trace amounts of it within the object, no matter how small. Otherwise it wouldn't be able to seal the whole thing off. Draining the magic requires a great deal of focus, he couldn't do it with magic at first, he'd need psionics. This was a skill he was not too proficient in, and there was another device near him that prevented him from thinking clearly. However, if he focused real hard...hopefully he could concentrate on using psionics to connect with the outer layer of the magic draining devices, and slowly drain the magic within that material. It would take a long time to do though. Nothing is completely and utterly devoid of magic.

Bael closed his eyes, and focused hard. There was intervention from the machine near him, but he continued to try. He breathed in a continued rhythm and his mind slowly gained focus on the device. It felt like there was tiny remnant of magic washing off the far side of the material in an effort to contain it.

It felt like forever, but he knew the process, and with it, he allowed a drop of magic to reverse it's flow, and transfer from the object he focused back into his body. He had to fight to keep it there, but that one drop of magic felt like receiving a drop of water in the middle of a desert. It helped give him energy to fight back against the faint external force attempting to suck his magic away. It hurt though, which made it difficult to concentrate.

Perhaps it's working now because he's gotten used to the days of pain, and mentally he's been learning to fight it on a subconscious level. There was no time to theorize, but it took him a good few days of imprisonment to figure this out. Here's hoping no one comes to see him soon. He might have to push himself more than his body can take in order to break free.

- - -
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Archmage_Bael
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeTue Mar 22, 2011 1:11 pm

Part 8! Rough draft, need editing help.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````


The streets of Negav were empty as Kaian ran across the upper sidewalk, alongside the main road. Ahead was his fleeing target, running frantically , trying to turn through various streets seemingly randomly in an attempt to confuse and loose his pursuer. Out of the entire debacle he’s been helping Bael’s girlfriend get out of, this was by far the most refreshing.

It was dark and cold; night had come. The human guard remembered an event from his days in the training academy. He’s chased many people since then. Not everyone was caught either – it was a skill, and an excellent case-by-case judgment of where the person turned, incorporating a little bit of tracking skill. It’s hard to leaven noticeable footprints on clean streets.

The target turned another corner as he followed on the upper sidewalk, and ran across a thin bridge that spanned from one side of the street to another. These parts of the residential areas were very dense, and walkways and bridges on many different levels lined and crossed the streets. It was easy for Kaian to track him up here, and when he got to an intersection he could tell which direction he went. There was no point in being subtle anymore, as both people knew that he was following Irvin.

Kaian ran down some nearby steps and transferred to the first level to continue following. He noticed that slowly but steadily Irvin was making his way toward the center of the city – where areas were more crowded, which would make this harder to accomplish. Also whatever building he was running to would probably be the location of the headquarters of the organization that’s persuing Mara, and have imprisoned Bael. The problem with this chase is that Irvin was wearing cloth and possibly leather underneath if he wanted to conceal armor of any kind. Kaian was wearing platemail and that drastically cut his speed down.

However, he was keeping up with the light weighted target, and very well. His legs were built heavily for endurance as he wore armor a lot of the time. This served as an advantage, because he could see his target slowing more than him, and they passed another turn. It was coming real close, much closer to the downtown area where people would notice. Suddenly Irvin took a wrong turn that started to lead back in another direction, and Kaian knew this street. He went up the stairs to the second level, and took a risk at cutting a corner, coming out luckily right next to Irvin. He jumped down hastily, catching the human, his armor smacking against his body, and his feet nearly giving into the pavement underneath his hard boots.

He winced slightly at the pain, but knew Irvin was smacked to the ground under the force of his armor. Recovering quickly, Kaian reached down and gripped the man’s collar, and pinning him against the wall.

“This is it.” Kaian spoke at last, his voice containing some heavy breathing after the long chase from the house.

“Now I ask, and you answer. You got that?”

“what?” Irvin said, coughing slightly.

“Good. What’s your name?”

“I-Irvin” He said with another light cough.

“Good. Not that I care what your name is anyway.” It was true, what mattered about his name right now? That could be found out later. It was important to get him talking.

“Now that we got that taken care of, what’s your goal? Where are you headed? Where’s the organization you’re associated with?”

“They’re watching you know. They’re everywhere. They’ll get-“ Irvin responded vaguely before being smacked by Kaian.

“I don’t have time for your games. You answer me correctly and I might let you go.” Kaian knew no organization could watch every little thing all the time. Even with assistance it was very sketchy.

“Hah, if you think I care about living then you have another thing comin’!”

“I don’t care what you care about, I need information. Tell me what’s going on or I’ll make your next few moments exceedingly painful.” Kaian responded with a bit of convincing anger. Of course Kaian was angry, but it was not his style to torture. He hoped his act would convince Irvin to tell him.

“Fine, get your breath out of my face before you kiss me.” He responded sarcastically. Kaian yielded no response.

“Okay fine, just stop staring. I hired a small group of mercs to act like criminals to draw you guys out. I’m with a security organization that deems you a threat.” Irvin knew he wasn’t actually one of them anymore, but his ‘help was appreciated’.

“What else? Where is your headquarters?!” Kaian spoke back harshly.

“let me tell you a little secret…” Irvin said quietly, and leaned in to answer Kaian, then all of a sudden threw all his weight against him to break free.

Kaian turned to watch as he stumbled a bit and Kaian took his arm at the last moment, throwing him around back toward the dead end. As Irvin was flung, Kaian drew enchanted sword. Irvin wobbled as he stood and drew his gun. Kaian ran forward with his sword up in what appeared to be a pathetic block. Irvin fired his gun, and the bullet ricocheted off what appeared to be an invisible shield of some kind that covered a small radius around the sword’s width.
As he swung his sword Irvin tried to roll out of the way, clutching his side where Kaian smacked him earlier. This was a losing fight on Irvin’s part. Kaian turned quickly to kick Irvin’s body in reply, the closest limb he could find.

Softly the atmosphere started turning wet. Both of them noticed little droplets of water falling softly on their heads as they fought. Irvin came back and opened up a shield from a piece of thick metal on his arm, and tried to reach up and bash Kaian, and shoot from behind the cover of the shield, but Kaian flew his foot further up his body in an effort to prevent him from using that gun as much as possible despite his sword-sheild.

Kaian stabbed his sword right through the center, but missing vital organs. Irvin coughed again, clutching his center, completely fatigued. Kaian looked up at where the rain was coming from.

“What the-?” He replied, seeing a hose dangling over the edge a roof near some planter boxes. Apparently someone was watering their roof garden and left the hose on. Shrugging, Kaian reached down to carefully pick him up. He never hit anything vital, but it was still dangerous to be rough. He relaxed a bit, carrying the ‘lightweight’ Irvin back to the house he left Mara at.

A half hour later Mara was sitting on the couch as the other guards either monitored the offenders, or examined the house for any evidence of some kind to be used. Kaian knocked on the door and stated his name before being let in, and Mara stood up, her face relaxed a bit as she saw him.

“How’d it go? Did you kill the jerk who tried to rape me?” Mara said that with a surprisingly accepting and calm voice.

“It’s not fatal. Men, I would like you to help me take these prisoners to our base.” Now they have saved the innkeeper from his place getting damaged, caught the violators, and Mara was find just like both of them knew.
Kaian turned to Mara after, “You should stay the night at my place, I expect them to come looking for you. It’s best if you don’t go back to Bael’s apartment right now.”

Mara nodded slowly and then walked over to Kaian’s side.

- - -

Bael felt a little bit of energy coming back to him. It’s been several hours he thought. He couldn’t go to sleep yet, he had to continue focusing even if he was tired. Magic is draining, but in this case, it gave him more energy than it was taking, and replenishing himself was the first step to escape. At the rate things were going it’d likely take him a while.

It was dark now, and he knew they wouldn’t come for him now, and that gave him the time of a few hours. He wanted to think about Mara, he wanted to remember the times they’ve had, the times they’ve embraced. It’s what keeps him going in a bad time, as corny or unbelievable as that sounded.

He knew that there would be time later to have a private moment with her, but not now. If he didn’t concentrate on what he was doing, he might never get out of here. So Bael continued working as hard as he could. His plan was going slow, but it would pick up pace quickly soon enough.

- - -

Night seemed to go on forever, with lights and people walking to and from different areas down town. Late night clubs were garnering a lot of attention, one particular club advertised a famous elven stripper who was visiting. Chatter was a constant noise that rippled the air with it’s sound waves.

Even though Mara wore normal middle class civilian clothing she still attracted eyes once in a great while if people were paying attention. However she just ignored them, focused on what was at hand. Up ahead she saw a building that looked attached to the wall. Most buildings weren’t as there was a street that lay on the inner edge of the wall, but this one was big, and had staircases leading up to various platforms, and a bridge with small crenellations for defense spanning across two areas. Was this the headquarters? Whatever it was seemed to have a lot of guard traffic come and go. It looked fairly intricate from the outside.

“Kaian, is that your headquarters way up in the distance?”

“Mine? Far from it. My office is just located there, that’s all. Since I’m an officer I can live in my own apartment, which is a minute walk or so down the street. You’ll see."

Kaian continued on toward where his office was. It was still a ways off, since the street they walked down went pretty straight all the way to the edge of a wall. The building was just tall enough to see in the distance, and street wasn’t too crowded as everyone walked along the sides. It would be a long walk, but a pleasant one – except that there was so much hardship in her life right now. She knew it was her job to stay strong.
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It looked longer on MS word >> I might go and try to add more to it. More descriptions or something. It's just to be a warm up though As it's been over 2 months since I released ch 7.
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asaenvolk
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeTue Mar 22, 2011 3:12 pm

Jætte_Troll wrote:
Yeah, this is Felarya - I don't think a lack of female protagonists is a problem at all.

In the manga, Voidfingers and Telekline are the only main male characters, with Alvar and Marken getting minor screentime. Crisis, Lea, Anna, Subeta, Fiona, Lesona, Vivian, Belletia, Anko - all the main cast is female.


Very Mad GENDER DISCRIMINATION! (ps I am not being serious)
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TheLightLost
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 25, 2011 10:05 pm


Editing help...

"Kaian drew enchanted sword," looks to be missing an "an."

"It was dark now, and he knew they wouldn’t come for him now," maybe only one "now" in that sentence would be better.


That's it. Well, actually there were a few more tiny issues with punctuation but I didn't bother suggesting improvements because I was worried about giving you the wrong advice. (XP)

It looks like a pretty interesting story. I still have to read chapters 1 - 7. Hopefully I didn't spoil too much by starting at 8 just now. Finally, as you said in your comments, the story might benefit from a bit more descriptions.
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Archmage_Bael
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeMon Mar 28, 2011 6:18 pm

Thanks. Though in all honesty I think you can ALWAYS have more description. Though for some reason I either have too much description or not enough. I put descriptions in the slow areas, but not a whole lot in the fast combat oriented areas. A slow combat scene makes you fall asleep.
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Archmage_Bael
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Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 35
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitimeMon Aug 08, 2011 10:53 pm

So for those of you unawares, I posted part 9. It's 16 or 17 pages on MS word. So far the entire story is at about 56 pages Smile

I forgot to post the link here.
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PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures - Page 2 Icon_minitime

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