Plus Plusminus: Day 0: The Begining *Oh look, an update*

Prologue:
The night was dark and clouded. The sounds of night were strangly missing. The sky was unstable, changing between diferent skys every few minutes, as if it couldn't deside. In a small clearing, a human lay on the ground, pinned by their own sword, which was stabed through their chest. They were still moving, trying to gather their fading strength. They reached for the hilt, and, as they gripped the hilt the sky blacked out. A few seconds later the sky changed to a strange starscape with a green full moon. The person had risen to their feet, using the sword as a support. They reached into their shirt, and pulled out a type of medical salve. They put this on their cut to stop the bleeding. Once this was finished, they started to walk to a safer place, using the sword to stabilize themself. After walking for several minutes, they walked into a clearing where the moonlight shown through. Now they were luminated well enough to see. It was a boy, who looked almost 18, his spiked electric blue hair covered with blood. His clothes were damaged, as if from a fight, and shown with his blood from the wound the sword he was using for support inflicted. His skin was ghostly pale, and he staggered each step he took. His breathing was shallow and pained. His electric blue eyes reflected his state, distant and lifeless, yet determined not to give in and die, that defience in the face of known impossibility. He walked for several feet before his wound opened up again, causing him to fall to his knees and shift some of the salve to the wound. He stood back up and tried to continue. However, after just 3 steps his body hit its limit, and he fell over, knocking the sword flat under him. With his last moments of consiousness he tried to make his body stand up, before slipping into unconsiousness.
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The prologue to one of my stories.

Interesting. A couple spelling errors, but pretty good sentence flow and idea start. On a side note, you may want to break this up into paragraphs so that people don't get intimidated by a wall of text.

Grammar/Spelling errors:

"skys" in the third sentence (skies)

"Deside" in third sentence (decide)

"stabed" fourth sentence (stabbed)

"defience" in sentence 18 (defiance)

Otherwise a good start.

Thanks. Spellings not my strong suit. I posted that on my dsi, so splitting paragraphs can be difficult.

Ch. 1: Part1
The boy started to regain consiousness. It was morning, and he was in a cave, lying on a bed. His wounds had been proplerly bandaged, and the blood had been cleaned off of him. He sat up, attempting to hold in his organs, glad for the bandages.

He looked around the room, evaluating the danger level of the room around him. He noted that his bed was on a cabnet of some sort. Judging by the size of it, whoever owned it was at least 80 feet tall, a fact that slightly alarmed him, untill he remembered he was still alive, so whatever had found him hadn't killed him. He couldn't begin to fathom their reasons, but he guessed he was safe, at least for now.

His sword was sitting next to the entrance, blood cleaned off, shining black with a hint of blue in sun. The sky was a bright blue, more so than skies normally are. The sun was yellow, but it was very greenish. He looked at the sky with a fondness usually only seen when someone meets an old friend. The moon could still be seen, shining green in the sky. If someone had a telescope or really good eyesight culd see the green came from the forests that covered most of the surface.

He attempted to stand up, but was met with intense, agonizing pain. He wisely desided not to try that again until he was healed.

"Hey! Lay back down! Your not healed yet! Your wounds are gonna open again! Do you want to die?" A large naga came in the entrance, yelling at the top of her voice. "It's really hard to close a wound like that, even more so when your so small! Do you know how lucky you are to be alive? I couldn't figure out how you were alive when we found you, much less how you survived while I sowed you up!"
"Just who are you? Most nagas I've met would hav-"
"Sep told me one of her friends was in trouble, so I helped you at her request. Not to mention that I'm not like that anyway. I mostly eat fruits and the like, and sometimes I eat some of the animals around here. A girl's gotta keep up her strength, right?"

Good piece. Just some spelling errors again, and you repeat a few words a bit too much in a few lines. (ie: "room" in sentence five and "sky" in several lines). Still, interesting and I'm curious to see how the naga and the mentioned Sep fit into this.

Keep going and good job on the paragraph splitting.

(Critiquing the prologue here).

You're starting off well here, a nice description with a negligible spelling mistake.

between diferent sky
Should be
between different skies

Now you've got a human laying in a clearing here impaled by their own sword. This is usually a fatal would. Being stabbed through the chest is a major injury. Even if it misses the heart it will puncture a lung or even get the windpipe, which is fatal. It's even possible that the ribs cut by the blade would puncture the lung too.

The fact that the human is just lying there with no enemy in sight implies that he has been left there to die for a while. Which he should have with wounds like his, as I just explained.
There is no foreseeable way that a human could pull out the sword that was pinning their body to the ground. Pulling it out is going to be very painful, having a sword through the chest interferes with muscles that have to do with arm movement, they're not going to be able to do it., They'd have to pull it straight up to minimise any further damage. Even then, pulling it out is just going to kill the person faster because then blood will be able to rush into the lungs, drowning them, assuming they didn't bleed to death first.

It is impossible for that person to sit up and apply healing salve (as if salve would do anything to wounds that grievous anyway).

A boy of 18 is not going to be able to do that at all.
Now I know that this is an elemental hybrid, but there are limits. If someone is mortally wounded, they're mortally wounded. Dead.

If we ignore the impossible and assume that the healing salve healed the skin (Salves are usually meant for minor wounds anyway), that the boy DID manage to get up and walk off, when he collapsed he would be dead for sure. Internal and external bleeding, the punctured lung and fluid seeping into the lung would have finished him, no questions asked.

Now to your writing. You're actually not too bad, however I would remove the 'for' in this sentence:

He walked for several feet before his wound opened up again, causing him to fall to his knees and shift some of the salve to the wound.

This part I've highlighted in orange I'm not sure about, shifting salve to the wound is technically a good thing, as having healing salve on a wound is what he wants.
I'd assume you meant that the impact wound cause his clothes to rub the salve off the wound.

The last sentence I have a qualm with is this;
With his last moments of consiousness he tried to make his body stand up, before slipping into unconsiousness.

You've spelt consciousness and unconsciousness incorrectly.
But my main problem with this sentence is that the use of consciousness twice makes it sound repetitive.

You should consider what I've written here before you write any more.

I appriciate the feedback. However, not everything has been explained yet. He would have died if left alone, but the reason he didn't hasn't been revealed yet. That's actually a plot point. Also, the lack of the sounds of the night tells you it hasn't been that long since the fight. I still have many secrets of the story I haven't given up. Give it time and all will be revealed, alright?

Sorry for the weird cut-off on the first part. I'm writing this on my dsi and it will only hold so much text at once. Just bear with me.

Ch.1: Part 2

"I guess..." the boy said. "I'm just glad I'm not on the menu."
"I don't see how it can be heathy to eat so many humans. Not to mention that it feels so weird to have your food moving when you eat it," the naga replied. "Now you need to lay down and rest. You can't have many divine interventions left. It took me and Kata two hours to get you back to a state you could heal from."
"Kata?"
"She's a friend of mine. A fairy who shares my take on you little people. She used quite a bit of healing magic to keep you alive, and used some size-changing magic to get you big enough I could fix you up."
"Wait, you said she's a fairy. I hate those things. They spent years tormenting and trying to "cross-breed" with me!" He tried to get up, and over-exerted his body. He fell to his knees and threw up blood. "Damn. I guess my insides are still torn up."
"Calm down. She's not like that, and if you keep moving, your gonna kill yourself." The naga folded her arms over her blue shirt. It was slightly too short for her, and seemed too tight for her. Then again, everything here is inhumanly well endowed, he thought. And it must be hard to find shirts for someone 100 foot tall.

"Do you how much someone has to care to be willing to fix someone's wounds from the inside?" the naga asked, snapping him back.
"Wait, did you mean she shrunk herself and crawled into my body?! That's ju-I mea-"
He was interupted by the blood that filled his mouth from vomiting. This time it was from the thought of someone inside his body, moving around. He forced himself to not think about it anymore.
"I feel so violated," he said as soon as he could speak again.
"Don't worry, nothing happened. She's a trained healer. Although, she did comment on the fact that you body didn't match up to what she learned. I gotta say, you're really fucked up, Rai."

Quote :

I appriciate the feedback. However, not everything has been explained yet. He would have died if left alone,

Quote :

Also, the lack of the sounds of the night tells you it hasn't been that long since the fight. I still have many secrets of the story I haven't given up. Give it time and all will be revealed, alright?

Yes he would have died if left alone. He was left alone. That naga (I'm assuming human size since you didn't say giant) was too late to save him. He should be dead.
I have just proved to you you that it is impossible for him to survive that. As for the length of time after the fight, it's still long enough for the enemies to be far enough away that they can not be seen or heard. That's pretty far, especially in Felarya. A clearing in the Felaryan jungle is quite large.

Quote :

but the reason he didn't hasn't been revealed yet. That's actually a plot point.

Maybe you should revise your plot. I can't see what would cause him to be able to do the impossible short of a big dues ex machina and that is a sign of a bad plot.
It is anatomically impossible for a human that has been impaled through the chest by a sword to remove said sword. Muscles that are required to move the object are not able to function because of the damage and presence of the sword. Even then, the amount of pressure that would build up would make removing the sword difficult even for someone else, not to mention the person themselves trying to remove it from such an awkward angle, if they didn't black out from the pain of trying to move it in the first place.

In responce to your points, I say that you do not quite have the whole story. At the begining of the story, only one or two minutes have passed. Also, the blade in question missed any vital organs, such as the lungs and any bones. Also, he was found just minutes after he passed out. There are also several other factors at work I still haven't revealed.

sparkythechu wrote:

In responce to your points, I say that you do not quite have the whole story. At the begining of the story, only one or two minutes have passed.

Ok, I can accept this.

sparkythechu wrote:

Also, the blade in question missed any vital organs, such as the lungs and any bones. Also, he was found just minutes after he passed out. There are also several other factors at work I still haven't revealed.

I can not accept this. I suggest you do a quick bit of research because a blade pinning someone to the ground through their chest is going to have to go through ribs, possible a shoulder blade or the collarbone. The chest is an area that is well protected by bones because it is closely packed with vital organs. A blade through the chest is going to hit either the heart (But it obviously missed in this particular case), lung, windpipe and oesophagus. It's a mortal wound, no questions asked.

Geez give him a break, it's only the start of the story... We know practically nothing of that boy yet and where he comes from

Lol he feels violated from being healed. What religion does he follow I wonder. (B5 reference)

Any way interesting first chapter already got a lot of blood on the floor. And unique character I always prefer the solid snake type personally.

On another note I should Realy think about putting something here keep at it!

Karbo wrote:

Geez give him a break, it's only the start of the story...

It's easier to fix something like this earlier rather than later. There's far less rewriting to do at this early stage.

I see your point. Trying to jam proof in someone's face doesn't work, it just alienates them.

Sorry Sparky, I'll lay off.

Thanks guys. Actually, he felt violated from the fact that the fairy had crawled inside of him. And to answer your question, he's his own religion.

(I finally got the motivation to write more, so I will)

Ch.1 Part 3

"Heh, yeah," "Rai" said. "By the way, could you hand me my sword? I would really like her back."
"Sure. Wait, HER? What do you mean her?" the naga questioned.
"Her name's Mazike. I made her myself. She just always struck me as a girl."
"Rai, you make less sense then Kata, and she's weird even for a fairy," she said, handing him his sword.

Rai spun the blade around, before putting it away in its sheath behind his left shoulder. He then took the sheath, and used it to stand himself up.

"I can't believe that I got up without hurting myse-" He was cut off by the flow of blood from his internal injuries. "Damn it. I jinxed myself."
"You idiot! Stop moving so much!"
"Could you carry me outside? I need some fresh air...I can't believe I forgot to ask you name."
"Saki. My name's Saki. I'll only let you go out if you stay in my hand."
"Shoulder. I want to sit on your shoulder, Saki. I have several reasons I don't want to sit in your hand."
"Alright. Alright. I can tell from your scars you've had some bad run-ins with the locals here," Saki said, holding one hand next to him.

Rai slowly walked onto her hand. She carefully move her hand to her shoulder and placed him on it. He noticed that, unlike most the people here, she was quite muscular, much more so than usual, like what you would expect someone who worked out constantly to be like. He could tell this was going to be one hell of an adventure, and one hell of a day.
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Chapter 1 is finally done. Now I just have to start chapter 2, which I will start next time I get the motivation.

He sounds very stubborn to me like. Cool to have the full chapter to read XP

So the naga is called saki? (currently thinking of the goon show world war 3)

Look forward to see what happens next.

Oh yeah the hole thing about religion (Babylon 5 had a family who believed it was wrong to have the body cut. They saw it as an act of cannibalism in short they saw themselves as beings beyond our level of medicine. I believe there religion involved having a bit about if the flesh was cut the soul would escape. Just reminded me of that episode is all.

Like you have now have me thinking of The Goon show World War 3 fighting the Japanese in a that tree.

He can take stubborn to a new level. He is the kind of guy who wouldn't let a missing limb slow him down. He's completely fucking insane. You'll see.

Ch. 2: Walk

"Ahh, the sun feels nice today."
"Why's it green though?"
"Who knows, Saki. Who knows."

Rai was laying back on Saki's shoulder, proped up against her neck. He had his sword laying on his legs. He took in the sights as Saki wandered through the forests. Every once in a while, she would stop to pick some fruit and share some with Rai.

"Saki, this is great. I love getting to ride on your shoulder."
"Don't get too relaxed. Even I have dangers I have too watch out for."
"True, but it's still way safer than if I was walking."

Rai yawned and streached out. However, he threw himself off balance and fell off her shoulder. He quickly grabbed her shirt in an atempt to stop his fall. However, his momentum was too much and all he succeded in doing was spining himself. He swung himself several more times to land himself in her shirt pocket.

"Are you ok, Rai?"
"I think so. May have cracked something, but other than that I'm fine."
"Did you enjoy yourself?" Saki said, anger showing through sarcasm.
"Not really. I did almost die. Not to high on my to-do list. Can you get me out of this pocket?"
"Sure..." she said sarcasticaly.

A few minutes later, Rai was back on his perch, caution increased 20-fold.
"I think I hurt myself," Rai said, leaning over her back. He threw up more blood, commenting, "Yep, I hurt myself."
"Rai, one day you're gonna get yourself killed."
"Well, it's not like I plan to live forever."

Several hours later, Saki had caught a small animal (well, small for her), killed it, and eaten it. Rai was sleeping on her shoulder, having finally succeded in sticking himself to her through magnetism, his failures due to his injuries. Saki continued towards her secret spot, being only a short distance away. And so the duo's adventure began.

Ch.2 is finished. I'll begin work on Ch.3 now.

All name characters are mine unless otherwise stated. Awesome ninja recovery© is mine as is the current Felaryian sky.

I guess I got to show why I'm a bastard sooner or later.

Interesting chapter very short though, try working on fluff to fill in spaces. More character banter between the 2 would be nice. The suicidal tendencies of your main character are strange, is he really clumsy or cursed? Or both?

Yes very short chapter. Just my opinion if it isn't to your liking well tough boobies XD

Actually, neither. He's just not used to being hurt like he is. I know it was short, that's because chapter 3 is going to be much longer.

Ch. 3: Secret Spot

Saki poked Rai gently to wake him up.
"Uhh, why'd ya do dat?" he asked, still quite groggy.
"I want to show you my secret spot. Here it is."
"Um, Saki, dat's jus' steam. Ya woke me up for steam?"
"Wow, sleep really gets to you doesn't it? Where do you think the steam comes from?"
"Heat."
"Hot what?
"Water, of course."
"So what does that mean?"
"We're someplace with hot water. Hot spring, maybe?" he asked while stretching and yawning, sleep finally wearing off.
"Exactly," she said matter-of-factly.
"You went all this way for a hot spring?"
"Not just a hot spring, one big enough for me."

Rai sighed. "No use arguing," he thought. "Besides, a hot spring might do me some good."

"Hey, Saki! Could ya put me down? I'd like to stretch a bit first," Rai yelled to her.
"Oh, OK."

She put one hand on the ground and looked over at him. He was standing up, clearly trying to walk down. However, he looked like even doing that hurt. After only a few steps, he turned to the side and threw up again.

"Damn it. Not again," he said to himself, wiping his mouth. "I hate being hurt."

Saki giggled to herself at this. After all, who doesn't hate being hurt.

He finally got down to the ground, using her arm as a bridge.
"Hmm...I should probably take off my shirt, since I don't want to get it wet. And these bandages," Rai said to himself, yet loud enough for Saki to hear him. He took off his shirt, fully revealing a large black scar on his right arm. His arm was black all the way up to his elbow, where the scar split into four parts thinning as the spun clockwise around his arm all the way up to his shoulder, where it finally tapered off. The scar seemed to emanate an energy similar to his own but twisted, darkened. Saki shivered at the sight of it, wondering what could have possibly done something like that.

"No human could have done that. It's like his very being was damaged," she thought to herself.

Rai noticed her staring at his arm. " It's rude to stare you know. If you've got a question, ask," he told her.
"What? Oh. I was just thinking about that scar..."
"This scar?" he asked, motioning towards his arm. "This thing is what happens when you successfully block a forbidden attack. I was lucky to ONLY get it. The attack was supposed to shatter my soul. Compared to that, this is nothing."

Saki's brain was overloaded at the thought of shattering someone's soul. "After all, isn't that impossible?"

Rai, meanwhile, was taking off the bandages. "AW FUCK!" he yelled after opening his wound again. "HEAL ALREADY, STUPID WOUND!"

Several minutes later, Saki had Rai patched up again, and he had taken off his magically insulated shoes that he "bought" when he went exploring in the Akaptor Desert. He had decided to just keep his pants on, since they dried quickly, and had kept on his metal headband, his metal armband on his right arm, and a small, black and purple stone necklace.

"Ahh, The water feels good," he said, slipping into the 150° F water, apparently unaffected by the extremely high temperature water. "Saki, aren't you gonna take of that shirt and belt?"
"Oh yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you? To see me naked? Pervert," she spat at him.
"Saki, I've lived here for at least 3 years. I've ran into countless hybrids. Don't ya think that if I wanted to see women topless, I could have by now. Granted, you do put most of them to shame, but come on! I have a succubus as one of my friends. A FUCKING SUCCUBUS! DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M JUST TRYING TO SE A TOPLESS CHICK!?!"
"...Point taken, but I'm still not taking off my shirt."

As much as I had planned to stay away from commenting much, if at all, I can't quite bring myself to ignore what's going on here without dropping a few lines. Even if people won‘t care, it makes me feel at ease that I‘ve said what‘s on my mind, you see.

First of all, I‘m loving the story so far Sparky, takes perserverance to bring one‘s self to write something. Trust me, I‘d know. Been in the shadows for quite a while, never even once did I consider writing a story – I don‘t have what it takes, namely the guts (so to say). Hell, that being said I can‘t quite imagine bringing myself to critique someone as harshly on their first posted story as some other people round here apparently do. It goes against my views, you see. Can‘t quite grasp it.

Anime-junkie, I will give you the benefit of doubt and assume that you‘re in fact trying to help the novice writers here improve. I can‘t quite make out how you do it though, when all I‘ve seen from you so far, in this specific thread, is hanging onto one little detail of the story and monotonously saying how said (recovering from a mortal wound) event is impossible to occur. This ain‘t the real world, and to be frank, even people on Earth on rare occasions manage to recover from such wounds, why wouldn‘t somebody who‘s being treated by magic be able pull it off? Not including the minor detail that everything‘s happening in close proximity, or to be more precise, ontop of soil with astounding healing properties. Doing what you‘re doing and then giving a half-assed apology doesn‘t really encourage authors to contribute and improve. You don‘t do that, you give suggestions on how they can improve. By not doing any of that, one turns into a bastard with a strictly consumer mentality who only takes the good stuff and gives nothing back. Only so much a fan can do, right? Do at least that. Writers such as Mrnobody here, well, words don‘t do justice how good they are. You enjoyed his works, right? He didn‘t start writing like that from day 1. You should follow his example in this thread, he does what he‘s supposed to do. In my mind at least.

What I‘m saying is, with enough support you can turn a decent, one-chapter-per-month author into a prolific mastermind. I‘ve had that happen, but I won‘t mention names. It only makes sense to encourage authors, so that in the future they‘ll have improved by following constructive criticism, instead of losing all their motivation and giving up before they‘ve ever reached the end. If you enjoy reading as much as I think you do (if it‘s correct to assume that by commenting a person shows some sort of concern, be it for the community‘s well being or his self interests, then you do so indeed – over 1800 posts would reflect that), then view following my advice as a solid investment for the future.

This is all I felt like saying, and in conclusion I‘d like to say that I‘m only human and what I‘ve said may not be justified, but I felt like saying it. Sorry for jacking the thread. Hey, Anime-Junkie, you know, there‘s only so much a fan can do to help this community, like I said, right? Why not show support and work for this amazing world‘s future well-being instead of scaring people away? Also, since I did assume you were SOMEHOW helping earlier in my comment, if you explain how it is so, I‘ll take all of this back.

In a nutshell, don‘t shut someone down because things you call dead haven't yet had the chance to be born.

p.s. Nice to meet you, everyone! >.> Guess I'm not making a good first impression, heh.

Thanks. I have actually been showing my friends my story as well, and the overall feedback from them is positive. I don't mind criticism as much as some people because, frankly, I need it. You should have seen my old works, they were terrible. I try to keep this story in some bounds: funny, some seriousness, with a good bit of insight into the characters, and that slightly perverted side while nothing actually happens with it. I mostly write because I like to, and because I hope to one day improve enough that I finally reach my own goals. So keep reading and give me some advice, I love to improve. Just don't shove it down my throat, I keep a lot of plot points and explanation to myself until I think the time is right.

Mhh it seems this character saw quite a lot already And I like Saki's slighty sarcastic nature, it seems she is not the kind to be bossed around XP

Shadeofheave : Don't reopen that please... Anime Junkie apologized, and Sparky accepted it so let's leave it at that.