"you really dont wanna eat me"

hello forum people, I am writing a story with my character from this page https://felarya.forumotion.com/t2487-a-donation-of-a-character I am using the 1000yrs-5000yrs old one , yes he is powerful, & yes he can kill some of the best predators on faleyra, also note that I will not give a predators point of view, Lloyd appears to be a well muscled, 21yr old man who has platinum hair, well muscled, & is six ft five inches tall.

chapter 1: swallowed

Lloyd had been wandering back to his home when suddenly, he fell, some sort of epileptic hole had opened under his feet and he fell in. he had a feeling of weightlessness as colors streamed past his face, then his face hit dirt. picking himself up he thought aloud, "where the hell am I" looking around he noticed he was in a giant forest, several magnitudes larger than any he had ever seen, thinking to get a better look at the place he began to climb a tree when he heard giggle behind him, turning around he saw a giant foot. "you look tasty" the voice above him announced in a giggly voice. looking up he immediately blushed, standing before him was a giant woman, nearly 70ft tall, fully exposed, with transparent wings on her back, and short brown hair. "I can assure you that I definitely am not delicious" he shouted up to her. the woman then picked him up by his sword sheath and lifted him to Ice blue eye level. "I guess well find out then" she giggled. "don't say I didn't warn you he" announced, he said as she removed his sword and popped him into her mouth. being swallowed immediately, without time to rip a sword from his body, Lloyd punched his gauntlet-ed fist into the soft lining of the esophagus, using the clawed finger tips to fully immerse his fist into the now bloody flesh. he immediately heard a gagging sound as he started climbing up her throat. as he surfaced into her mouth she started to scream in pain. without a thought Lloyd sprint jumped out of her mouth.

air rushed past him along with more screaming as he hung on to a tree. climbing to a nearby limb. he watched as the monster woman heaved and screamed,as she coughed up blood, " you done yet B****" he yelled as the screams died down. the woman then looked at him maliciously. "I told you I wasn't tasty, you shoulda listened to me". the woman then said angrily "why'd you do that! I was just gonna eat you".
Lloyd looked at the creature annoyedly " you do know that being digested is incredibly painful, I should know, Its happened to me before, so shut up you brat". she let out a low roar of anger then left in a huff. "okay, that problems solved, now how do I get down".

I'm not quite certain what your intent was with this story, or even if there was one, but whatever thoughts were meant to be elicited from the readers by this were far and away overshadowed by the confusion caused by the fallacies that are quite apparent. Before I'm even able to bring up the flawed manner in which you attempted to convey an exchange between a predator and your character I think it's quite necessary for me to state that your grammar is flawed in a multitude of places. Not just misspellings either, some of these things aren't even words and while I can't make any presumptions as to your native language I'd think it would behoove you to gain a better grasp upon English. Furthermore, even when things are spelled correctly you utilize words that don't fit at all, it's just bothersome to read. I feel it detracts greatly from a story when I am made to question every single sentence.

As for the story itself now: Build up? Nowhere to be found. In most pieces I read revolving around an individual's or a group's first venture into Felarya, the writer takes the time to detail what had been occurring before the point when they actually arrive in Felarya. In many cases they use this period to give the reader some insight into what sort of character they're reading about. That didn't happen here and the story suffered in all regards for it. It only really adds onto my initial feelings towards the character here, which were in the first place not very positive. Additionally, I find it odd that a predator was apparently hovering right over his point of entry, it's a bit too much of a plot convenience to be believable. Also, the practicality of a sword of all things in the context of Felarya is low in most circumstances, and it has pretty much become a red-flag of sorts to me. This isn't made any better because as stated previously you lacked a build or introduction of any kind, so while you may have potentially been able to justify the sword thing with such a section it just doesn't seem right.

The interaction of characters was awkward too, because I for one would have made the effort to kill something that had torn apart the interior of my throat, especially given such a remarkable size difference. Speaking of size difference, you seem to have been describing a fairy but as far as I was aware fairies weren't that large and instead relied upon reducing the size of their prey. Again, you really need to do some research into these things or else it will just turn out poorly.

As a whole this just wasn't really story material. I'm not going to doubt your potential as a writer all together though, but I will say once more that you should have a long, hard look at the wiki and maybe read some of the works of more experienced writers before having another go at it.

Well your character aside (which I also don’t like). Your first chapter is shorter than some of my RP posts. Correction a lot of my RP posts. Your first couple of paragraphs are littered with spelling and grammatical errors. Capital letters aren’t to be avoided rather than embraced such as at the beginning of sentences for example. Also when you change which character is speaking you should start a new paragraph. This was perhaps the least enjoyable thing that I have ever read. No strike that last sentence this is the least enjoyable thing I have ever read. If I were you I would start by editing this by getting rid of everything that you wrote, taking your character and reworking him to the point where he wouldn’t be recognized by any member of this community, and starting over. I would suggest that you read some of the other stories here and try to learn from what they did. Also for when you make a new character please try to remember that no matter what if you’re going to make a human that you’re not invincible. Humans survive in Felarya not by being able to kill predators but by outsmarting them. A win for a human isn’t to kill one so much as to stun it long enough to get away.
Well onto a brighter note on to what I liked. The name of the beginnings of a chapter although not original was ok. Also when the fairy swallowed your character for the briefest of moments I thought, “Yes maybe he’s going to die and save me time telling you what I think about your character.”
I’m sorry if this comes off as rude but maybe you’ll listen when people voice their opinion in a less positive way. I’m not trying to tell you to quit but I am trying to tell you that you need to try to make this fit more within the Felarya universe and that you need to work on you writing.
Here are a couple of stories that I found and really liked.
“Reiko in Felarya” author Reiko (off topic here but what happened to Reiko anyway? I would have loved to read some more of her work)
https://felarya.forumotion.com/t114-reiko-in-felarya-finally-chapter-ten
“Revenge” author Slimtoad
https://felarya.forumotion.com/t2411-revenge-1

edit* Also you would have benifited greatly from this. It would have saved you a lot of grief form overall response I am expecting you to receive.

Deleted.

I think I was a bit too harsh. XP

oh well. I guess the story really wont work i this setting, I gave it my best but I failed. I will write no more in this place, farewell, and have fun.

note, I'm not all that good at writing out of my own setting, that is why I wanted someone with more experience to write the story

That's not the attitude to take with these critiques. You should take critiques and learn from them, just as I had to, and most certainly will have to in the future.

As I recall, you were advised to do some research and start over with this character. It doesn't appear you made an effort to do so. How then do you expect us to respond to a story like this.

To the point of not being a good story writer, that's not an excuse here. I'm sorry, but this comes off as just plain lazy lacking effort. As someone who is hard pressed to write a good story myself, I can't let you use such an excuse.

Once again, take your time. Do some research. And by all means, ask questions! Work hard at showing everyone what you're capable of.

the reason I'm quitting isn't lack of effort, I thought you got why I didn't write a story in the first place, I did look at the wiki and decided to use a fairy as a predator because they are both common & vary in size drastically, theirs also the fact that Lloyd wasn't being friendly so he is now food

in conclusion: I wanted someone to use my character as example so that I may write it in the correct way, sorry for not saying so earlier but I didn't think of ow to say it earlier

I agree with gt500x. You didn't take the time or effort.
We told you try revise your character. A character like yours just isn't suited for Felarya. You didn't go to the effort of making a character suited for Felarya. Nobody is going to write with that character because they're simply not suited for Felarya at all.

This is what we've been saying, nobody can use your character as example so that you may write it in the correct way because the character is incorrect to begin with. How you've written your story with that character is pretty much what you or any one else does with a character like that. There is only one outcome; them winning. There is no suspense or anything. There's nothing to the story.

Don't give up, have a look around, make a character that's suited to this setting. Then it'll be much, much easier for you or someone else to write them properly.

what if I remove the dark energy bubble(A wizard did it!) he would now be vulnerable to digestion, although all his other powers would still be in place.

See, this is why people are annoyed.

Posting such a statement only proves that you didn't learn or take anything away from what everyone has stated. If I wasn't so busy with my own things right now I'd take your character and write a story about him as someone from an insane asylum who gets warped to Felarya and imagines all of these powers existing in his head and is eaten and killed permanently within the first day of arriving just so I could prove that he does have a place in Felarya - a beacon of nonsense to act as a lighthouse for all future writers.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but I have to quit the passive aggression around here just isn't something I can handle, If it isn't I apologize but its hard to understand over a computer.