My Characters

Ok, I'll just be posting a few of my character bios here. I know they might not have the most details, but I'll do what I can. If you guys have any critiques or questions about them, please feel free to ask or share your thoughts. First up, my main OC, Nergal. ...Yes, he used to, note the used to be a self insert. But that was when I was still new to DA, making OCs, and before I had any clue as to what Felarya was. I'm happy to say he has evolved beyond that now. ^_^

...unless you think him yelling at me in the back of my head makes him a self insert...in which case...all of my OCs are self inserts. They just won't shut up and leave me alone!!! >.<



Don't know if this will work or not, but hey, lets see.

Leila's Bio: https://felarya.forumotion.com/t3275-my-characters#103418

Nina's Bio: https://felarya.forumotion.com/t3275-my-characters#104862

Nergal's Bio: https://felarya.forumotion.com/t3275p15-my-characters#107651

(Removed for a complete and total make over. Expect new bio...some time in the future... >.> )

I'm gonna be a little biased with the way I write characters and bios in this critique. I'm quite rusty at this sort of thing and I'm more used to point the weaker stuff, so keep that in mind.

First up, not about the character itself, but rather the bio. Pointing out his diet among the preliminary information is useless. It's best that you leave that as part of his personality, since it's part of his personal preferences. The same would go with nicknames, unless it's important to his character. You should be conservative of the details you give about your character. If it's not terribly important, you should skip it. Second, the parts of the bio are in a rather silly order. In general, it's best that you give away the most important aspects of the character first, then add the filler. I like to give his appearance first, then his backstory, then his personality, and then his abilities. The equipment can be whenever you want after the personality. I'll explain why I put backstory before personality in a bit. With that out of the way, on to the character.


I like how he's rational for the most part, but when cracks start appearing in his plans, he starts losing his grip on his sanity. That's a pretty glaring character flaw, and being a leader character, I'm assuming he's a leader, it's nice to see the effects of being under constant pressure, even though it's a little exaggerated. Furthermore, his habit of taunting people who land a hit on him can be used against him, as he seems to purposefully lower his guard, so a crafty foe would immediately aim for a vital area. It's rare to see main characters that have exploitable weaknesses, with getting to overcome them as part of their tale.

Now for criticism. The biggest problem with him is that he's from the Star Wars universe. It's not advised that you make a character from an already existing franchise and bring it to Felarya. I know trying to be unique is part of the game, but past a point you're not exactly unique as you essentially don't fit. I realize that Felarya is an interdimensional hub world, but that doesn't mean that all big name franchises are fair game. It gives an air of laziness, that your main character comes from something that already exists, rather than make him built specifically for the setting you're trying to write for. The core of creativity is not to be as unique or off-beat as possible, but to use the boundaries already established, essentially the tools given to you, to make your own recipe.

His backstory is long and further proves my previous point. When you describe a character's background, you want to give a very abridged version, of what his past was and how he got here. You want to let the readers see for themselves what exactly happened in the actual chapters. I've made that mistake before. The other concern is what happens in the described backstory. Drows are mostly from low-tech fantasy worlds and having them interact with Jedis just doesn't sound right. I will admit, due to the length of the backstory, I only skimmed over it, but it seems like he came across a neko before he got to Felarya. Again, that doesn't really mesh with the Star Wars universe, and it feels like it's there just to connect with Felarya. The attempt is noble, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. It's probably as good a time as any to bring up the personality and background thing I mentioned earlier. In a bio, I find it better that you write the backstory first, and then the personality. This will make it look like the backstory you described is what shaped the character's personality even better.

I won't comment much on his abilities, because I lack in-depth knowledge of the Star Wars universe, though this is another point against using an existing franchise as a basis. For the most part, only people familiar with it will understand what you're talking about, which isn't good for readers. If a reader doesn't understand something relatively important about the character, then they'll have difficulty connecting with him or his story. If I may tip you, the abilities shouldn't be what makes the character. A lot of novice writers make that mistake, and when you ignore all of those skills, then the character become shallow and dull. That's not quite the case for Nergal, but I'm just saying for future reference.

In conclusion, the personality is quite nice, as it shows a lot of character flaws that make him seem more credible. However, his heavy ties with the Star Wars universe, as well as the anachronistic use of foreign species in his backstory just don't make him a very good character for Felarya. There is certainly potential buried in there, but you'll have to re-imagine him for the purpose of the setting if you don't want him to stick out like a sore thumb and have people shrouded in skepticism.

As a final nitcpick, since it's my shtick, the likes/dislikes might be better as its own paragraph in his personality. It's not terribly important, but fleshing out some of his quirks is always nice.

I don't advise giving Lord Nergal such a wide variety of force abilities, keep it to around 5 or 6, not like 15. Not to mention some of them are pretty powerful, and to use abilities that make him able to counter every situation is bad for story writing, as it essentially eliminates challenges.

@Shady_Knight : you know he described the force powers after the names, right?

I agree with the general consensus that he's a bit OP. How is an exciting story or RP to come of a character who can destroy giant predators with his thoughts and, if made angry enough, launch a mind nuke that kills everyone?
Also consider that Felarya seems to have a habit of only allowing people in who aren't too powerful. I apologize if I missed the part on how he got to Felarya, but I wonder how you'll manage to get him in considering his status.
Lastly I have a question: About when in the Star Wars chronology does this person live? Is the Rule of Two in effect? Is this meant to be before or after the fall of the Republic and the existence of the Empire (the rough time period of the movies I mean)?

First off, thank you for the critiques. This is exactly what I was looking for. ^_^

Shady Knight wrote:

First up, not about the character itself, but rather the bio. Pointing out his diet among the preliminary information is useless. It's best that you leave that as part of his personality, since it's part of his personal preferences. The same would go with nicknames, unless it's important to his character. You should be conservative of the details you give about your character. If it's not terribly important, you should skip it. Second, the parts of the bio are in a rather silly order. In general, it's best that you give away the most important aspects of the character first, then add the filler. I like to give his appearance first, then his backstory, then his personality, and then his abilities.

Hmmm...that's a good idea to remove his diet. I mean, he's a Human after all. There's no reason to assume that he eats anything other then a standard diet. I'll probably remove that. I think the nicknames can stay though, as it gives people a way to easily heckle him without having to read all about his personality. Hmmm...I'm not surprised they're in a silly order. I wrote most of this at night, and actually finished it around 3:45 a.m. By that time I had gotten the info I needed done, and wasn't paying much attention to the order. I'll probably move the things around. I'll also probably try to lessen the length of his back story... Try to remove anything that is not majorly important...

Shady Knight wrote:

I like how he's rational for the most part, but when cracks start appearing in his plans, he starts losing his grip on his sanity. That's a pretty glaring character flaw, and being a leader character, I'm assuming he's a leader, it's nice to see the effects of being under constant pressure, even though it's a little exaggerated. Furthermore, his habit of taunting people who land a hit on him can be used against him, as he seems to purposefully lower his guard, so a crafty foe would immediately aim for a vital area. It's rare to see main characters that have exploitable weaknesses, with getting to overcome them as part of their tale.

Thank you, I was hoping for something like that, and he is indeed in a leadership position.

Shady Knight wrote:

Now for criticism. The biggest problem with him is that he's from the Star Wars universe. It's not advised that you make a character from an already existing franchise and bring it to Felarya. I know trying to be unique is part of the game, but past a point you're not exactly unique as you essentially don't fit.

Yeah, I figured that out about a year after making him...but by then I didn't, and still don't, want to make such a large change to him. Not because I would have to change Nergal, because that's easy. It's more about the fact that if I were to change him, I would have to change so many other aspects of my main characters, and a few people would have to change their OCs a bit. Don't ask me why, but a few people have their OCs living with Nergal. O.o On the other hand, I've been working hard not to do that again. ^_^ ...although I do have a second Apprentice of his... >.>

Shady Knight wrote:

His backstory is long and further proves my previous point. When you describe a character's background, you want to give a very abridged version, of what his past was and how he got here. You want to let the readers see for themselves what exactly happened in the actual chapters. I've made that mistake before. The other concern is what happens in the described backstory. Drows are mostly from low-tech fantasy worlds and having them interact with Jedis just doesn't sound right. I will admit, due to the length of the backstory, I only skimmed over it, but it seems like he came across a neko before he got to Felarya.

Yeah, as I said above, I'm going to be trimming that down to a manageable two or three paragraphs. I'll get the important, life changing stuff out of the way, with an explanation thrown in here and there, but save the rest. The Drow thing is actually arguable with two points. ^_^ First, while it is sort of Star Trek-ish, there are ways for a ship in the star wars universe to accidentally end up somewhere else when the hyperdrive malfunctions. Case in point, in one book a ship filled with Sith ended up getting sent into the future. I failed to make it clear though that the hyperdrive was damaged and malfunctioning, but they had to use it anyway or get killing.

Point two, actually Drow can come from both high and low tech worlds. ^_^ It just depends on the setting. =3 ...and if I may say, Drow with guns...they're not fun...not fun at all. *shudders* Though you're 100% correct, there are no Drow in the Star Wars universe.

Shady Knight wrote:

For the most part, only people familiar with it will understand what you're talking about, which isn't good for readers. If a reader doesn't understand something relatively important about the character, then they'll have difficulty connecting with him or his story. If I may tip you, the abilities shouldn't be what makes the character. A lot of novice writers make that mistake, and when you ignore all of those skills, then the character become shallow and dull. That's not quite the case for Nergal, but I'm just saying for future reference.

Yeah, I did my best to choose abilities that sort of explained themselves. Case in point, Push, Pull, Levitate, ect. And I often find that when I'm RPing, or even writing, Nergal rarely uses anything that other people aren't able to figure out. And most of the skills that do require explaining normally wouldn't be used in front of other people, but more as a back ground thing. You don't really see it in action, but it explains how such-and-such happened. Although I do plan on getting rid of some skills.

Shady Knight wrote:

As a final nitcpick, since it's my shtick, the likes/dislikes might be better as its own paragraph in his personality. It's not terribly important, but fleshing out some of his quirks is always nice.

That sounds like a good idea. :3 I'll probably do that once I get the time. ^_^ Thank you for the input.

Archmage_Bael wrote:

I don't advise giving Lord Nergal such a wide variety of force abilities, keep it to around 5 or 6, not like 15. Not to mention some of them are pretty powerful, and to use abilities that make him able to counter every situation is bad for story writing, as it essentially eliminates challenges.

parameciumkid wrote:

I agree with the general consensus that he's a bit OP. How is an exciting story or RP to come of a character who can destroy giant predators with his thoughts and, if made angry enough, launch a mind nuke that kills everyone?
Also consider that Felarya seems to have a habit of only allowing people in who aren't too powerful. I apologize if I missed the part on how he got to Felarya, but I wonder how you'll manage to get him in considering his status.
Lastly I have a question: About when in the Star Wars chronology does this person live? Is the Rule of Two in effect? Is this meant to be before or after the fall of the Republic and the existence of the Empire

Yeah, I was worried he'd be OP...though you need not worry about the "Mind Nuke". I only added to his abilities because he knows about it. He would never be able to use it, even if he wanted to. It requires a group of between 10-15 Sith, all willing to kill themselves, all willing to send themselves into eternal torture, and all willing to work together to do that. And even then it takes weeks to set up, and a couple of hours to complete. I only added as something he knows about. I mean, there are beings in Felarya with the knowledge of how to cast very devastating spells, but can never cast them because they don't have the requirements for the spell, correct?

Other then that, I'll probably be removing some of the stronger powers. In particular Force Drain, Deflection, and Confusion. I'll probably weaken the effectiveness of his Force Kill to where he wouldn't be able to out right kill a Naga, but still be able to harm them. The others are kind of the basics that every Jedi/Sith learns when they first start out. :/ The only powers that I plan to keep that aren't the basics are Force Orb, Kill, Illusion, and Thought Bomb. I don't want to remove all of his abilities because he is, after all, a Sith Lord...and I'm pretty sure most Sith Lords would be able to survive a random, run of the mill Naga.

*facepalms* Dang it, I totally forgot about that. >.< Alright, let me do some thinking here. The Star Wars time line makes little to no sense what so ever. Even Felarya's time line is better. >.< Ok, enough of my whining. Nergal was born about 32 years before the Clone Wars. This is, according to the Wiki at least, the same year that Darth Maul was born. He returned to Coruscant 4 years before the Clone Wars, and was gone for a total of 5 years. The Rule of Two was in effect, but there were still other Sith in the Universe then just Sidious. Really, the Rule of Two only states that a Master can only have one apprentice at a time. the rule was put in place so that two apprentices wouldn't join forces and kill their master before the training was completed, as that would eventually weaken the Sith as a whole.

This is going to raise a few problems if you're serious about making stories accurate to the setting of Felarya. I'm glad you see flaws in your current work and are willing to fix those. A lot of people are highly insecure about that.

That aside, you'll have to rethink a few things. Writing with a lot of people's OC is not a very good idea. You'll have to work very closely with them, having to ask how they'd react in given situations, which is going to put a strain on the freedom of your writing. If you're into roleplaying, then there's nothing wrong. There's not gonna be any Net Cops showing up to make sure you're accurate there. But if you really want to show people a good example of what Felarya is about, you'll have to make an alternate version of your OC.

That's something I do all the time and it's a good exercise to strengthen your creativity: retooling a character for a completely different universe, while keeping its essence intact. For instance, what if that character of mine, a knight, was in a science fantasy universe? Well, he'd probably be a soldier, or part of law enforcement, would most likely favor shotguns to reflect his preference for close combat, and would retain his rather jaded and dry sense of humor.

You don't have to be afraid of re-imagining or making alternate versions of your existing character. Heck, it's a lot more convenient than making a new one entirely from scratch. Just be careful if you make him a sorcerer, a lot of people will most likely associate him with Fire Emblem.

Shady Knight wrote:

This is going to raise a few problems if you're serious about making stories accurate to the setting of Felarya. I'm glad you see flaws in your current work and are willing to fix those. A lot of people are highly insecure about that.

That aside, you'll have to rethink a few things. Writing with a lot of people's OC is not a very good idea. You'll have to work very closely with them, having to ask how they'd react in given situations, which is going to put a strain on the freedom of your writing. If you're into roleplaying, then there's nothing wrong. There's not gonna be any Net Cops showing up to make sure you're accurate there. But if you really want to show people a good example of what Felarya is about, you'll have to make an alternate version of your OC.

That's something I do all the time and it's a good exercise to strengthen your creativity: retooling a character for a completely different universe, while keeping its essence intact. For instance, what if that character of mine, a knight, was in a science fantasy universe? Well, he'd probably be a soldier, or part of law enforcement, would most likely favor shotguns to reflect his preference for close combat, and would retain his rather jaded and dry sense of humor.

You don't have to be afraid of re-imagining or making alternate versions of your existing character. Heck, it's a lot more convenient than making a new one entirely from scratch. Just be careful if you make him a sorcerer, a lot of people will most likely associate him with Fire Emblem.

Lol, well I wasn't actually the one who had them living with me. a few people came to me with their characters, asked if it was ok for the OCs to live/work with Nergal, and I agreed to it. I only did it with people I'm constantly in contact with though, so I'll be able to get their reactions easily enough. :3

Hmmm...well Nergal was originally made for the Felarya universe in the first place...but I might be able to re-tool some things. I doubt one or two characters from another universe will hurt to badly though, as long as I give a reasonable and easy to understand explanation as to why they're here...without using over done things like "Felarya warped him here". Still, I'll try to come up with some stuff...

Heh, Nergal will never be able to use magic, ever. ^_^ I already decided that when I first made him, and have been pretty insistent on it. And you're talking to a guy who's let other people temporarily kill him off or remove every ability he has in RPs. So, chances of him becoming magical are 0%. ^_^ Besides, I prefer him having psionic powers (and really, when you look at it, the Force is more psionic based then magic).

If you really, REALLY want him be from an existing universe, you'll have to be subtle about it. The best way to go about it is to use only original content, stuff you yourself created. Even then, it will be difficult to make it so that nobody will realize he's from Star Wars unless you tell them about it, which is why it's preferable to avoid cross overs. I would still advise against having Drows and Nekos there, because it just doesn't mesh with Star Wars and people reading that would just be as confused as I was.

I like the idea of making him a psionic, especially considering how overused mages are, since I don't think a lot of people use psychics for their stories.

Ok, while I am still editing Nergal's bio, I decided to post up another bio as well. Everyone, say hello to Leila Seamair, the Canopy Fairy. Don't ask where I got her last name, because honestly it was just a random choice one.



Name: Leila Seamair
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Age: 95
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Gender: Female
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Eye Color: Light Blue
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Race: Canopy Fairy
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Min. Height: 3 inches

Max Height: 105 feet.
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Weight: Refused to give this information.  When pushed, the interviewer was eaten.
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Threat Level: Low
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Occupation: Unlike most predators, Leila offers her services to would-be groups of adventurers as a guide and guard. While she does enjoy being paid, its never foremost on her mind. Instead, she far prefers having a chance to meet people who would normally flee from her. That said, if the adventuring group finds some treasure, she does take a small amount depending on how dangerous the trip was.

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Appearance: Leila has long blonde hair that falls just below her shoulders and is a fair-skinned Caucasian.  Her wings are a light blue color, and are partially see through.  She usually wears a black dress that falls down to about her knees, with a light pink trim around the edge.  Finally, she carries two small satchels that are tied to her waist.  Inside one, she keeps random stuff like a few weapons, different types of ammunition, food, water, and other survival needs. The other bag is filled with nice, warm, soft pillows and blankets, and she uses it to carry people.  While she can change her size at will, she prefers to stay at a small 5 inches.

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Personality: Leila is a kind hearted, fun loving, optimistic Fairy who loves meeting new people.  She enjoys playing practical jokes on others, especially random adventurers and her Human sized friends.  The jokes normally involve her shrinking people down, or growing to her maximum height and pretending she is going to eat her victims.  Depending on the circumstances, if she catches someone during her "chase" she will either lick them and let them go, pop them into her mouth, or, if her victims are close friends who really trust her, swallow them.  Of course, she always makes sure to warp her "prey" back to safety before anything bad happens to them.  She also does her best to always keep her word.  If she says that she is not going to eat you, then she will not eat you except under the gravest of circumstances.  On the other hand, if she says she will eat you, then the chances of you escaping alive are pretty much zero.

She finds Humans to be a fascinating species, and is often amazed at what Humans can do with our technology.  This interest in Humans, plus her natural desire to meet new people, caused her to be a little different from most Fairies.  She tends to talk, and sometimes befriend, most of the Humans and Nekos she catches, instead of just eating them.  It bugs her that most people run away from her when she is not trying to eat them, and often resorts to shrinking the person she wanted to talk to, then catching them.  After catching the person, she will start to cuddle and reassure the person that everything is all right and they are safe.  Normally the message gets through, and the person she caught eventually calms down.

However, just because she is nice and sweet does not make her 100% safe.  She does enjoy eating Humans, Nekos, and other creatures around that size from time to time.  You can normally tell when she is hunting for food and not friends by her movements.  If she is sneaking up on a group of adventurers, not making a sound, then that means she is either going to prank them or eat them.

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Likes: Meeting new people, eating would be heroes, reading, human technology and weapons, playing pranks, cuddling tinies (which includes those she shrinks), being tiny herself (it lets her ride on people's heads and shoulders.), a good prank, and Italian food.

Dislikes: Hurting others for no reason, people running away from her when she is not actually out to eat or prank them, random people and/or predators threatening her friends or those under her protection.

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Past: Leila was born and raised in the Forest of Whispers and had a fairly normal childhood, for a Fairy at least.  She explored, helped find food, practiced her magic a little, toyed with Humans, and stuff like that. As she got older, she found that doing the same old thing day after day was getting to be boring.  After catching one particularly interesting Human, she decided to go and have one of these adventures for herself.  About five days into her "adventure,” Leila caught a Neko to eat.  As she was gulping it down, she heard a small squeak.  Looking down, she found that she had managed to save a Neera without meaning to.  After picking the little thing up and calming it down, Leila managed to find out what the Neera's name was and what it was doing out here all alone.  The Neera informed Leila that her name was Nina, and that she was off to Negav to find work as a mercenary.  Leila had caught plenty of mercenaries before, and had listened too many of their tales.  Leila asked the Neera if she could join her, and after a little bit of persuading, Nina agreed.

During the trip to Negav, the pair became close friends.  When they finally reached the border created by the Isolon Eye, Leila found that she was unable to continue past it.  Therefore, she decided to wait in the forest while Nina found them a job.  Sadly, this took longer than expected because no one would take the little Neera seriously.  The few jobs they did get were mostly traps set out by Nekos looking for an easy meal.  Leila passed her time meeting the people going to and from Negav, sometimes talking with them, sometimes pranking them.  Finally, Nina got an actual job involving her and Leila escorting a group of merchants to Safe Harbor. While the trip didn't have much in the way of excitement, it did help spread the word that she was a reliable fairy.

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Abilities:

She is a skilled sorcerer, though not as powerful as most fairies due to her preference for firearms over magic.  She is most skilled in size changing magic, transportation, and warp spells, and is being taught some combat magic.  She is also a fairly good shot when it comes to firearms.  Her job allows her to have access to guns, and she always makes sure to carry at least two at a time.  This is often all she ever needs, as the weapons change size when she changes size.  Even if she is just carrying a small caliber pistol, that pistol can do a lot of damage when it is properly proportioned to a 105-foot tall fairy.
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Personal Quote: "To be honest, I like meeting people more then I like eating people."

This is a pretty good, with a lot less pitfalls than with Nergal's. I find it interesting that the very first character someone makes for a new setting tends to be very shaky, while the second one is usually a vast improvement when you look back at it. I would rename "Italian Food" to something else, because for the most part, Felarya has no connection to Earth (says the guy with an alternate version of Earth as the homeworld of a couple of his main characters). I'm not familiar with Italian cuisine, so all I can really think of off the top of my head are pasta dish or pizza. I'm actually surprised and happy you didn't go the kinky route with the "temporary transport" being in her gut. I know vore is a major theme in Felarya, but it can be irritating when people shoehorn it when it accomplishes nothing or can be substituted easily by something far more practical (mistake I once did).

I'm not really sure what I could criticize. The part stating that she has a "steady supply of would be heroes" seem to imply that humans are crawling all over the place outside of Negav, which is not the case. There has been a number of discussions regarding how often humans and giants meet, and pretty much everyone agreed that they rarely meet. So that "steady supply" wouldn't actually be very steady, and if someone in a bar or at the Adventurer's Guild said that he was going out to hunt fairies, almost everyone would call him/her either insane or has no idea what s/he's getting into. Yes, fairy hunters or simply egomaniac hunters do happen, but they're not common, so they'd be more of a rare treat to her, which I guess would be why she likes them.

Overall, this is a pretty solid character. There are a couple of cracks here and there, but they don't compromise the character's integrity in a substantial enough manner. Lastly, she might want to have another bag for the blankets and pillow, lest she make people sign a warranty that she's not liable in case of injuries in the bag with the deadly weapons inside, or the very uncomfortable flight at least.

Shady Knight wrote:

This is a pretty good, with a lot less pitfalls than with Nergal's. I find it interesting that the very first character someone makes for a new setting tends to be very shaky, while the second one is usually a vast improvement when you look back at it. I would rename "Italian Food" to something else, because for the most part, Felarya has no connection to Earth (says the guy with an alternate version of Earth as the homeworld of a couple of his main characters).

I'm not really sure what I could criticize. The part stating that she has a "steady supply of would be heroes" seem to imply that humans are crawling all over the place outside of Negav, which is not the case. There has been a number of discussions regarding how often humans and giants meet, and pretty much everyone agreed that they rarely meet. So that "steady supply" wouldn't actually be very steady, and if someone in a bar or at the Adventurer's Guild said that he was going out to hunt fairies, almost everyone would call him/her either insane or has no idea what s/he's getting into. Yes, fairy hunters or simply egomaniac hunters do happen, but they're not common, so they'd be more of a rare treat to her, which I guess would be why she likes them.

Overall, this is a pretty solid character. There are a couple of cracks here and there, but they don't compromise the character's integrity in a substantial enough manner. Lastly, she might want to have another bag for the blankets and pillow, lest she make people sign a warranty that she's not liable in case of injuries in the bag with the deadly weapons inside, or the very uncomfortable flight at least.

First off, thank you. Yeah, Nergal was the first character I ever made that has a personality. Leila actually started out as just a little bit character I threw into an RP for my Neera OC's back story. She's come a long way. :3 Hmmm...any suggestions for standard Human meals on Felarya? I chose Italian because, while it may not be exactly the same, I'm sure there's some type of food in Felarya that would closely resemble Italian, with the way it's made and spices used. The steady supply really comes from the fact that she works for someone who is evil. You know, prisoners who escape, people out to stop/kill Nergal just because he's evil. Hmm...I thought about giving her two bags when writing the bio...I don't know why I only gave her one though. I'll go and add that in.

While it shows a good example of how fairies view good and evil differently from humans, you have to consider the fact that the amount of bounty hunters after him is directly proportional to his fame. In layman's terms, for him to have a steady supply of people going after him, he needs to be infamous. As a corollary, if everyone are aware of how ridiculously powerful he is, a lot of hunters are going to skip on this, unless they're overconfident, seeing him as not worth the huge risk.

Name: Nina

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Age: (Not sure...how fast do Neera age? In Human terms she'd be around 25-26)

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Gender: Female

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Race: Neera

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Height: Around four inches tall, and very proud of it.

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Weight: Wouldn't say...

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Occupation: Scout, Spy, Assassin, Thief, Diplomat for Human/Tiny Relations

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Appearance: Short, messy brown hair, a black oavercoat with white stripes on the arms, long black pants, and a white T-Shirt underneath. She's fair skined with dark grey ears and a dark grey tail. She carries a Neera sized magical longsword on her back. The sword's pomel is black with a small onyix gem in it. The blade of the sword looks as if it is made from pure shadow and gives off a sort of dark glow that can be suppressed if need be. The blade can only harm living matter, and can pass through nonliving matter without harm or hinderence to the item in question.

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Personality: A bit short tempered, stubborn, and easy to annoy. If she even thinks you're making a joke about her small size and you're not one of her close friends, she'll likely get angry. Her temper does calm down a bit when she's dealing with friends, but she can still be very easy to annoy. She also tends to be a bit out spoken, especially when it's what she thinks of Nekos and other predators. With her fellow Neera, she's far more polite, kind, and understanding. She'll go out of her way to help a fellow tiny, even if it means putting herself in danger to rescue said tiny from a predator. However, she knows her limits and does not push herself past those limits.

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Likes: Cheese, shadows, swords, computers, relaxing on a nice warm pillow or on one of her friends after a hard day's work, dancing, and spying on random people.

Dislikes: Bright lights, people making fun of her size, predators in general, practical jokes that make fun of her size, and people who think she's weak because she's so small.

Hate: Of all things, she hates predators that toy with their food, Nekos in particular. She used to hold a gruge against all Nekos and wanted them all dead. Now she just wants to show the Nekos the error of their ways and try to convince them to be kinder to their smaller prey.

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Past: She was raised in an average Neera family with plenty of brothers and sisters. She eventually meet a Neera from a nearby settlement and the pair eventually fell in love and decided to marry. The day of the wedding arrived without any problems. Everything went smoothly, until right after Nina said "I do." A bunch of loud clapping suddenly began, and a group of Nekos, who had surrounded the wedding party, came out of hiding. The Nekos attacked the large group of Neera, sparing no-one but Nina herself. The only reason Nina survived was because her husband begged that Nina be spared in exchange for himself. The lead Neko of the raiding party agreed to his request, partially because it was her wedding day, and proceeded to eat the groom. Nina was left alone and ignored as the Nekos played with and ate her family and friends. When the Nekos left, the leader turned and gave her a half hearted apology for ruining the wedding, saying, "Not that it matters. There are so many of you mice, I'm sure you'll find a new guy soon. Maybe your next wedding will be better." That event caused Nina to hate Nekos more then anything else in the world for years, until she met a few kind hearted Nekos who befriended and helped her through the pain.

After the wedding, Nina traveled alone for a while. She had just wanted to get away from her old home and the heartache and start a new life. During her travels, she was found by a kind hearted Human while she was rooting through his stuff for supplies. Instead of getting angry, the Human offered to let her stay with him for a while. Since she had no-where else to go, Nina accepted. While she stayed with him, she learned the Human was something called a Shadow Dancer. After she showed some intrest, and skill, in becoming a Shadow Dancer, the Human began to teach Nina Shadow Dancing. He showed her how to use the shadows to her advantage, how to slip in and put of them with such grace and skill that it would seem as if she was never there. When she finally learned how to Shadow Jump, her friend and mentor decided to head to Negav. Three days into the trip they were attacked by a Giant Naga and the pair were seperated. To this day Nina is not sure if her old mentor survived or not.

After the Naga attack, Nina decided to continue to Negav. Sadly, she didn't make much headway due to being so small and having to sneak past all kinds of predators. Eventually the Neera was cornered by a Neko. Just when Nina thought her time was up, a random Fairy shrank and ate the Neko. At first Nina thought that she was well and truely done. But luckily for her, the fairy showed no intrest in eating her. Instead the fairy picked Nina up, introduced herself as Leila, and asked what a tiny Neera was doing way out herein the middle of nowhere all alone. Nina told Leila her tale, and afterwords the Fairy offered Nina a place to rest safely for the night. The next morning, Leila told Nina her story. The Fairy was bored with her life and wanted some adventure. So she asked Nina if she could join in on the trip to Negav. After some debate with herself, Nina deicded to let the Fairy join her, and the pair have been best friends ever since.

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Abilities: As a Shadow Dancer, all of Nina's abilities have to do with shadows and trickery. She is practically powerless in any bright light.

Darkvision: She's able to see in the dark and in shadows. Her eyes glow kind of red in the dark, giving her a slightly creey look.

Shadow Illusions: Nina can make the shadows surrounding her twist into almost any form she wants. This is only an illusion, and can not actually harm people, but can still make the little Neera look intimidating.

Shadow Jump: Nina can temporarily "jump", or phase, from one plane to the Lydus plane through the use of surrounding shadows. It is very limited however. She can not use her own shadow to do the jump. Also, she can take one person her size or smaller with her when she does the jump.

Shadow Familiar: A familiarA familiar made out of pure darkness, much like Darkness Elementals. Nina can summon it at will in any kind of darkness or shadow. The Shadow must stay within darkness of some kind, and direct sunlight harms it. However, it can drain a creatures strength to the point where the target can't even sit up, let alone move. The Shadow is incorpreal, meaning it's like a ghost and can not be harmed by normal, physical attacks. It can also phase through beings do to being incorpreal. Nina has the habbit of summoning the Shadow inside the stomachs of those unlucky predators who eat her, giving the unfortunate soul the sacre of their life as a pair of shadowy claws suddenly burst out of their belly, while doing no physical damage.

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Personal Quote: "As a general rule, Nagas and Dridder tend to just eat you. It's all buisness with them. Most Elves tend to be safe enough, as long as you don't anger them. Humans are sort of odd. You never really know what a Human will do when they catch you. Then there are Nekos. Nekos not only eat you, but will torture you as well by playing sadistic games and making you scream as loud as possible. Only when you're begging for death will they eat you, and even then they make sure to bite off your tail or break your arm before hand."

Oh, poopy, I forgot to check that character out yesterday. Anyway, this is more of a nitpick, but the "wouldn't say her weight" or "it's rude to ask a woman her weight" is very old and uninspired. Just omit her weight entirely instead of putting something utterly meaningless in its place.

Now for the actual critique. I'm not gonna list the typos, because it's better if you're the one who looks and corrects them. First, I like her personality. I generally enjoy outspoken characters because I think they liven the story a lot. I also like how she's already shown character development. Hatred for a particular species after a tragic event, then realizes that he long-term goal is simply impossible and goes for something, if in her case it's marginally more realistic, more reasonable. Second, I do like the design of her sword. I assume it's similar to the Brilliant Energy ability in D&D, and if it is, I would put a note that while her sword bypasses matter, it's useless against magic barriers and such. Third, I enjoy how a tiny is used for what tinies does best. Making the best of one's natural features is always swell.

Now for the negatives. Her backstory bugs me, specifically the part where the nekos spare her. Why did they spare her and torture her exactly? It makes no sense they did it because it was her wedding. The nekos had nothing to gain from it. It feels like a contrivance to make them look like complete monsters for no other reason than to make us sympathize with her more.

If you want my suggestion, you should write that the nekos attacked at the wedding, and that her husband ultimately died trying to give her the chance to escape. Her particular hatred for nekos playing with their prey being, after she had gotten away, she looked back and couldn't help but watch as her husband was played around like a toy before being swallowed whole and alive. After that, Nina wandered around aimlessly in absolute despair. You get the same results, only it's more believable.

I'm sure you were expecting it, but you need to cut down on the explicit D&D references. By which I mean the Plane of Shadows. Things like a Shadow Jump and Darkvision are specific abilities, so referring them by name isn't that bad, I do it in my own bios, but in the case of the latter, as it's very close to using shadows to create illusions and turning invisible in darkness, you should condense such powers together into a single ability, mainly the manipulation of shadows.

In addition, you shouldn't refer to the Shadow creature as an undead, because it's going to immediately ring a bell that it shouldn't happen. I know that Shadows are not corpses, but to allow it to fit in better, you should instead refer to it as a creature made of pure darkness, similar to a darkness elemental.

Overall, it's a decent character and her only fault lies in an early part of her backstory. The other problems are only learning how to make her bio more polished, which aren't faults of the character, just tips that you gotta pick up to make her descriptions better.

Name: Nergal

Original name: Videl

Age: Unknown

Race: Human Male

Size: 5'7"

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Personality: Nergal is a calm, intelligent, and slightly eccentric individual. He does not anger easily, and prefers to deal with situations with as little bloodshed as necessary. While it may not
seem like it due to his fanatical devotion to the idea of bringing peace by killing everyone, he does not enjoy killing people for no reason. He believes that people should try to find whatever
enjoyment they can from life and live well so that they do not have regrets when the time comes for them to die.

He holds the lives of the people who serve under him in the highest regard, and will not willingly sacrifice them for no reason. Due to a case of PTSD brought on from his time serving in his country's military as a youth, Nergal is unable to feel love towards others, and has a hard time feeling emotions in general. It was also the war that brought on his PTSD that made him realize that true peace could only be found in death.

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Appearance: Nergal has short, dark brown hair, grey-ish green eyes, and lightly tanned skin. He wears a black cloak over his normal clothes most of the time. Under his cloak, he could be wearing anything, from a suit and tie to a tie-dye shirt and jeans. Really, he will just wear whatever he feels like, and does not care what others might think. The only thing that always remains on is his cloak, the belt he uses to carry his extra weapons and equipment, and a pair of black gloves that have
spindles of microfilament wires embedded into them.

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Equipment:  Nergal carries a variety of items, including  smoke grenades, herbs, and a few guns.

List of Herbs he carries.:

 

His main weapon is a pair of gloves with microfilament wires embedded into them. The wires are ultra-sharp, super-thin, and very difficult to destroy. They can easily cut through skin and some scales. He also carries a pair pistols.
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Likes: Power, knowledge, peace, bugging giant predators, sharing his knowledge with others, romantic comedies, musicals, books, most music, and playing music at seemingly inappropriate times.

Dislikes: Chaos, people who destroy knowledge, people who are too close-minded to learn anything new, horror films, pointless death, and country music.

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Abilities:

Nergal is a Psion, and as such, most of his abilities deal with attacking the mind. However, he can manipulate his surrounding
as well.

Abilities:

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Fighting Style: Nergal's main weapons are a pair of gloves with spindles of microfilament wires embedded into each finger on the glove. The wires  are very hard to break, can cut through skin and scales with varying degrees of ease, and are coated
in Crunierlon sap.

He uses his psionic abilities to manipulate the wire however he wants, kind of like how a Dryad manipulates their vines.  Alternatively, he can use them to create a small barrier around himself
that can be used to stop blades from piercing him, or tangle opponents up, kind of like a net would. This form is best used while standing still, however Nergal can move if he wants, though it will
make it more difficult for him to use the wires for more precise attacks.

He mixes this with Psionic attacks, particularly Psychokinesis, if he's fighting more then one person, and Mind Reading, if it's a one-on-one fight.

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Personal Quotes: Life is chaos, peace is death. There is an undeniable truth to that fact. I have never seen any species, no matter their intelligence, live a perfectly peaceful existence where they do not harm others. The simple act of eating involves killing and harming others. Death, on the other hand, is peaceful. I have never seen or heard of a dead person harming another.

Ok, finally got around to fixing up Nergal's bio to where he's usable. I had to change a few things about him in the bio to fit his actual personality better. Tell me what you think.

First off I can't believe he abandoned his saber and didn't make at least a substitute. >.< Second...Awesome bio! It's short, but informative and I like the choice of weapons and tools. Gives me ideas for his Dentverse appearance, even though there he will be Sith! =P Cause it'd be the first time one was one of Dave's party members. Can I expect a altered Valandil bio this awesome as well? Oh and I saw what you did there as tribute to your "Real Nergal" and "Darth Nergal" forms in Walfas XD Very funny.