Heckler the antagonist

Thomas Heckler will be the main antagonist of my story Leonardo the Sakavai. He is a human of medium build standing at 6 foot 8". His hair is greased back and black. His eyes are steely grey. All of his clothes- his long pants, his short sleeve shirt, and his long flowing trench coat- are pitch black. He has a supernatural skill for stealth, and is an expert in martial arts. He has various weapons concealed in his clothes.

Heckler is a cannibal. He lures in his victims by earning their trust, and since he's very charismistic and generally polite this works well on the weak minded. Most of the time he preys on criminals and thugs because they are easy to trick and nobody is gonna notice or care for their absence. When he gets a victim into his lair, he will ask them to wait somewhere while he gets "refreshments", come back with a hidden weapon, and quickly and quietly kill them. After that he'll cut the body up and eat the flesh raw. The number of people he has killed in his lifetime is unknown, but he claims to kill at least 50 people a year. Of course these facts were eventually discovered after a few years, and Heckler is a wanted man on just about every heavily populated human controlled planet, so he prefers to commit his crimes on rather remote planets and areas. Now you know why he thought it would be a good idea to hide in Felarya.

Heckler is not a fool. Asides from being a sick cannibal, he is a criminal mastermind. Just because he knows how to gain someone's trust, doesn't mean he never uses it. Heckler has formed many small- time crime gangs on many planets, and it ends the same way every time. The gang pulls off a big heist, Heckler takes all the money for himself, and leaves the planet free while his lackeys take the heat.

Why Heckler does these things is a mystery. He likes to keep his past a secret, but to those oh so very few who he sees have some importance to his plots still, he tells the same story every time: he had the worst day that could ever happen. A day so bad- it should only exist as a hypothetical idea. And it turned him insane.

Heckler is Leonardo's(the story protagonist) sworn nemisis. The two have known each other for years, and have battled each other on several occasions. As stated above, Heckler is an expert in martial arts. Before their more recent fights, Heckler got away every time. They would fight, Heckler would pull a very dirty move, and escape. Then one day Leo defeated and caught Heckler. He wanted to kill him, but his conscious told him to instead take him to a maxinum security prison. When he did, something told Leo to stick around for a while. And sure enough, it turned out that something had a good reason. Heckler escaped a mere day later, breaking loose of his chains, killing some of the gaurds, and escaped on a ship. But not before Leo just barley managed to put a tracking device on said ship. From that point on Leo was hell- bent on finding Heckler and stopping him once and for all. A couple days later, the tracking signal finally reached Leo, and it was coming from Felarya.

When Heckler reached Felarya, he decided to settle in Negav City. By the time Leo arrived, Heckler had already killed two people and had made acquaintances with the neko Vita(another one of my characters).

The purpose behind Heckler's grisly diet is to provide a uniqe characteristic as a villain. Seriously- most villains in Felarya are simply big egos full of hate. I want to show something rarley seen or even tried. In this case, hard vore. I know this is Felarya where soft vore is the big theme, and that Karbo said he's kinda iffy on hard vore, but I wanted to make Heckler stick out from the crowd as a real sicko.

Comments please!

This character is bad. His sole existence is to be considered evil, and because of that he has no personality to speak of. His apparently signature trait is that he is a cannibal, and apparently that fact is suppose to be shocking and make him super wanted and worth all the effort to capture. Well sorry to tell you, but Felarya is full of species that perform hard vore, however people neglect these species in favor of a less gore. Mantoids, dridders, and scorpisaï are good examples of species that are completely capable of hard vore that people don't write about. Mantoids have scythe like arms easily capable or cutting flesh from bone. Scorpisaï have a pair of large claws and a stinger full of toxic chemicals they have acidic spit and are know to eat their own kind. Perhaps the biggest injustice of all is that of the dridders who seem to never use their venomous bite to dissolve their prey from the inside out so that they may simply drink out the soup. When you think of it what your character does is an easy way to die, compared to predators that swallow their prey whole and allow them to suffocate while acids eat away at their skin. All your character does is shoot them, stab them, whatever and then eat the body. If given the choice myself I would rather have that happen then to be crammed down somethings throat, plop into a dark churning stomach and then slowly have the air that keeps me alive used up while acid eats away at my flesh burning my sinuses and making my eyes water in pain. Yes, a simple cutting of the throat would be much welcomed to that.

This character is far from believable given the lack of motivation you have given him, and your character lacks any personality at all. He is simply a shallow character meant to be evil so that your character might overcome him. Reality check people aren't evil to be evil. People we consider as evil are given that title by people who don't agree with their views.

You asked for comments so there you go. Give your character an actual personality, give him motivation, and don't act like being a cannibal is such a big deal; it really isn't.

buddha66667 wrote:

Give your character an actual personality, give him motivation, and don't act like being a cannibal is such a big deal; it really isn't.

I can argue against your claims with so many points.

1.) The character's sole purpose in the story is to provide a reason for why my protagnist is in Felarya in the first place.

2.) I never made him being a cannibal a big deal. I just wanted him to have a non cliched trait as a villian. And I am well aware that hard vore exists but is not used much.

3.) Sorry to bust your bubble- but not all villains need a clearly defined past. They can be just as interesting and threatening. And from what I have said in the bio- I think its reason enough.

4.) This is a bio. A collection of facts. One is not going to get the same feeling of characterization when they read a bio instead of the actual story text.

I know you must think your a big shot on the forums what with that really long paragraph you put up and the constant trollish bashing- but please- at least make your comments helpful and polite. Yours isn't. It has given me little to no motivation to change Heckler's character.

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The purpose behind Heckler's grisly diet is to provide a uniqe characteristic as a villain. Seriously- most villains in Felarya are simply big egos full of hate.

And this guy just looks like a big ego full of hate plus cannibalism. You have him this trait... Why? The only reason I can see is just to be a different.

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The character's sole purpose in the story is to provide a reason for why my protagnist is in Felarya in the first place.

This is not a character then; this is a plot device. He exists solely to move the plot forward so your protagonist has a reason to be in Felarya.

What buddha said still applies, unless you want to keep this character as a plot device.

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3.) Sorry to bust your bubble- but not all villains need a clearly defined past. They can be just as interesting and threatening. And from what I have said in the bio- I think its reason enough.

Villains CAN be interesting and threatening without a clearly defined past. This one just doesn't seem that way. He comes off as an empty plot-device, and is so over-the-top "Im evil, Im the badguy" that it just becomes hard to take him seriously. Sometimes a good villain can drive a plot forward, sure...but it has to be done carefully, methodically, and it has to mesh with everything else. This guy is hammering the plot along with a sledgehammer, while playing a trumpet.

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I know you must think your a big shot on the forums what with that really long paragraph you put up and the constant trollish bashing- but please- at least make your comments helpful and polite. Yours isn't. It has given me little to no motivation to change Heckler's character.

Can that attitude, please. There's no reason for that.

There was nothing "trollish or bashing" about Buddah's post. It was predominatly negative, sure, but his points are valid. There are serious flaws in this character's design, motivation, and even his existance. It just seems like you ran into a wall when planning your story, and had to come up with a hastily contrived villain to get it going.

It just seems rushed, and poorly thought out. Just gotta keep working at it, overhaul some of your ideas, and try and smooth everything out.

...and don't be so negative about honest, no-holds-barred criticism. It will make you a better writer, more than coddling and kid-gloving will.

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What buddha said still applies, unless you want to keep this character as a plot device.

Hm- seems I have rashly contradicted myself. Anyways... know what- hell with it this guy really is just evil. He's an insane psychopath who murders, eats people, and commits high profile crime with a charismistic attitude. There I said it. What is wrong with that? Is there some taboo that says a Felarya villain can't have those traits(most of them)? Does it make them dull for you?

I'm not good at writing bios- and its hard putting personality into a bio. It really is. I constantly dread the feeling of putting up a post and thinking about how people might hate the character and troll over me just because the bio only gives the traits and some backstory, because thats all a bio can give!

Well if you guys are such experts on how to properly develop a character, give me some ideas. Really, just make use of the forum's comment section. If you have any ideas that you have that you think will "improve" Heckler- be my guests!

[/quote] Can that attitude, please. There's no reason for that. It just seems rushed, and poorly thought out. Just gotta keep working at it, overhaul some of your ideas, and try and smooth everything out. ...and don't be so negative about honest, no-holds-barred criticism. It will make you a better writer, more than coddling and kid-gloving will.[/quote]

>sigh< fine. Its just that it really is hard making a legit villain. On the most basic level Heckler is just a criminal on the run from the law and Leo has to find him. I wanted to do something new and fresh but it seems people don't find him developed enough. And I don't envision him as being a loudly- boasting thug tromping around, I see him as a suddle and secretive character. That guy who almost always keeps to the shadows because he doesn't want to be found. But when he does show himself- he is disturbingly trusting. Its characters like Heckler who just do better in text than in forums.

If you're "not good" at bios, and have something envisioned in your mind. Just write the story.

There's no rule that you HAVE to put up a bio for every character. People just do it so other people have a referrence or can help with the development.

rcs619 wrote:

If you're "not good" at bios, and have something envisioned in your mind. Just write the story.

There's no rule that you HAVE to put up a bio for every character. People just do it so other people have a referrence or can help with the development.

Thanks its just that I have some pretty far- fetched stuff in mind and I just want to make sure at least some of it sits well with the community.

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I'm not good at writing bios- and its hard putting personality into a bio. It really is. I constantly dread the feeling of putting up a post and thinking about how people might hate the character and troll over me just because the bio only gives the traits and some backstory, because thats all a bio can give!

damn you rcs for stealing what I wanted to say.

anyways, he's damnly right. who said you needed a bio to start writing your story? personnally, i always found those bios completely useless. whats the point of it? as long as the idea remains in your head, its just perfect.

but you can do something else though, something much more useful: a plan. its wonderful how it helps your story growing. remember that.

Krisexy26 wrote:

Quote :

I'm not good at writing bios- and its hard putting personality into a bio. It really is. I constantly dread the feeling of putting up a post and thinking about how people might hate the character and troll over me just because the bio only gives the traits and some backstory, because thats all a bio can give!

damn you rcs for stealing what I wanted to say.

anyways, he's damnly right. who said you needed a bio to start writing your story? personnally, i always found those bios completely useless. whats the point of it? as long as the idea remains in your head, its just perfect.

but you can do something else though, something much more useful: a plan. its wonderful how it helps your story growing. remember that.

Well, bios have their uses. Such as running an idea by the forum to make sure it isn't eggregiously against the rules/themes of Felarya (a neko/naga hybrid with fairy size magic, or other such silliness).

That isn't really the case here though. There's nothing really that goes against Felarya's rules, it just seems to be an issue with characterization, which COULD be better shown in an actual story. Hence why I suggest he just write the story to help best convey what he's getting at.

justpissoffalready wrote:

buddha66667 wrote:

Give your character an actual personality, give him motivation, and don't act like being a cannibal is such a big deal; it really isn't.

I can argue against your claims with so many points.

1.) The character's sole purpose in the story is to provide a reason for why my protagnist is in Felarya in the first place.

Like AJ said that makes him a plot device.

justpissoffalready wrote:

2.) I never made him being a cannibal a big deal. I just wanted him to have a non cliched trait as a villian. And I am well aware that hard vore exists but is not used much.

You did make a big deal about him being a cannibal, this entire bio centers around him being a cannibal. You specifically state that the reason behind his cannibalism is to provide him another villain like trait.

justpissoffalready wrote:

3.) Sorry to bust your bubble- but not all villains need a clearly defined past. They can be just as interesting and threatening. And from what I have said in the bio- I think its reason enough.

I'm not asking for what flavor of ice cream he enjoyed eating when he grew up, nor am I asking for every detail of his childhood. I'm simply requesting that an effort be put in making this a believable personality with believable traits, but all you said is that he is insane because of something, and that indicates that you really put no thought behind it.

justpissoffalready wrote:

4.) This is a bio. A collection of facts. One is not going to get the same feeling of characterization when they read a bio instead of the actual story text.

While this is true, I still don't feel that enough time or effort have been put into developing this as a character. A bio should be able to give a feel for the character and give the reader an understanding for why a character acts the way they do, and this does not do that.

justpissoffalready wrote:

I know you must think your a big shot on the forums what with that really long paragraph you put up

I was not aware that making long posts made me a big shot thank you for informing me of this fact.

justpissoffalready wrote:

and the constant trollish bashing- but please- at least make your comments helpful and polite. Yours isn't. It has given me little to no motivation to change Heckler's character.

Trollish bashing, well to be frank I am a Troll, but I would like to ask at how you derived my residency in the lower peninsula of Michigan (this is a joke people who live in the LP are called trolls because we live "under the bridge")? On the matter of bashing all I did was state what I though of your bio in an attempt to help you improve, let me tell you something not every piece of critique is going to be sugar coated to your liking; I don't sugar coat my posts, ever if you don't like that than fine don't read them, but to call me a troll is unwarranted. The fact that you would think that I have nothing better than to enrage people for my own amusement is insulting. Let me let you in on a little fact here, I have much better things to do than spend my time simply making people angry; the only reason I write a critique is to help people improve, the fact that you would think otherwise is aggravating. Part of your problem here is that you keep posting new ideas before the prior one has even finished being critiqued. Right now I'm looking at 4 "characters" and an idea; you need to slow down and work on one thing at a time.

Oh, and before I forget. If you don't plan on reading my critiques from now on would you please inform me so that I may not waste my time writing them for you, so that I may focus on people who are willing to listen.

Well you don't HAVE to look at my posts. And really I'm just posting this stuff so the community can inform me of any rules that I may be breaking. And seriously you really did give me no helpful tips in your first comment. You just said he was "bad" and "underdeveloped".

But just for the sake of that last part, lets just say the reason he's mad is because almost every plausible bad thing that could ever happen to someone all happened within a 24 hour period. And not little stuff like "oh no I dropped a plate"- I mean like really big emotional events. Still working it out.