Please Believe Me, Sir (Voted "Best Story Ever!")

___It was dark that night, even for the jungle. I remember not being able to see my own hand in front of my face. Even still, we didn’t light a fire. We didn’t want to risk drawing attention to our shelter. We hadn‘t seen a single pred in the past two days, so we weren’t too worried about them. The biggest of those beasties didn’t like being so close to Negav; too dangerous for them. No, our quarry was ten times craftier than any predator, and a million times more ruthless.
___We’d been hunting the bastards for two days. Rumor had it that this was the area to find them, although two days out here had given us squat. We were ready to give up if nothing turned up tomorrow. I wasn’t too keen on telling our employers what they didn’t want to hear, but hell, another couple days and they’d think we were playing them for fools. Half the boys wanted out of the merc business anyways, and this mission was plenty motivation enough for them to bail. No glory in it, you know?
___“Hey,” came a voice from beside me, “put that damn cig out.” I looked over to my right to see the glow of a lit cigarette, with the dour face of Lenous dimly illuminated by the orange light.
___“Hey!” The voice said again, more insistently this time. “Len, put that goddamn cigarette out! I don’t need a bunch of fucking smoke in this tent!” I recognized the voice as belonging to Darian, our de jure leader. I didn’t really like Darian, since he was always so uptight, but I didn’t really want to breathe in all the smoke, either. I was about to speak up, when a flame popped up a few feet away, only to disappear as Timin flicked shut his lighter and sucked on the lit cigar in his mouth.
___I could tell that Darian wanted to punch both of them for deliberately fucking with him, but I figured I’d speak up then. “Hey. Let it go, man. Just ask them to take it outside. Won‘t be too much light.” The prude growled, but he laid back resignedly.
___The two smokers stepped out of the tent, which was good since I didn’t feel like breaking up a brawl in our fucking tent. I felt like getting some fucking sleep, since I had the last shift for sentry duty and had to wake up earlier than everyone else. The tent was pretty spacious, but there were twenty of us and only three tents, so there wasn’t much room to lie down with seven in our tent.
___Even sitting up, it wasn’t too hard for me to drift off. I was pretty tired, after all. So, naturally, I was asleep when it happened. All I remember was waking up to the sound of gunshots, and the side of the tent collapsing in. Those of us in the tent scrambled out as quickly as we could. The forest clearing was lit up with blindingly-bright flares, and I could see the bodies of sentries slumped on the ground.
___Diving behind a tree for cover, I noticed that one of the slain sentries was the weight that had caused our tent to collapse, having fallen right onto it. The sound of yelling and gunfire haunt my dreams to this very day, but none of this was as terrifying as what came next. Calm down, calm down, I’m getting there, so quit bugging me.
___I crawled out of cover to grab a gun, and nearly got my head blasted off for the effort. There was no doubt that our target had found us before we’d found them, and they’d somehow ambushed our sentries before they could alert us.
___I couldn’t see any of our attackers, but I knew it was them. I tried firing off a few shots towards where I thought they were taking cover, though I’m pretty sure I didn’t hit anything. A gout of fire erupted across the clearing, and I saw Darian run screaming out of cover, his entire body covered in burning oil.
___It only took a few minutes before it was all over. Those of us who were left threw down our weapons and surrendered, although there were only six of us still alive by that time. The attackers came out, and we found all manner of exotic weapons leveled at us. I knew each and every single one of their faces, and I couldn’t have been more scared if I’d walked into a giant dridder’s web.
___There was Jayti the Deceptively Handsome, a shapeshifter whose sharp looks were only matched by the sharpness of his enchanted pollaxe. It was said that the enchanted blade could cut through any material. Its long, elegant shaft was made of wood cut from a towering tree in Deeper Felarya, or so it is said. It could shift like its owner, the shaft bending to take any shape or size Jayti willed it to.
___Next to him was Animus-Junkei the Both, supposedly from a world inhabited by giant spiders more aggressive and venomous than any creature in Felarya. He sported the type of large, intimidating flamethrower that the human survivalists on his world use to cook the spiders and burn their webs. The reason for his title of the Both is known to only a few, but he could talk his way through a confrontation with his silver tongue just as skillfully as he could turn his opponents into crispy corpses with his flamethrower.
___Then there was the Warrior of Three Thousand Names, none of them pleasant for the mortal mouth to utter. In the darkness he was invisible, his ebony-black skin practically drinking in any light. The Warrior’s very presence could be felt if he entered a room, even if no one looked up. Hatred was his favored weapon, hatred and a mastery of the ancient slam poetry used by his people to drive weaker minds to insanity.
___Aeyesu the Rotund was a fearful character, when he wasn’t stuffing his face with pastries. Where he could get the pastries is a mystery to all, since the entire group never enter the city. Just by stomping his foot down, he could generate small-scale earthquakes that were capable of stunning his targets long enough for him to bludgeon them with the painted red-and-white stones he carried on his belt. His thick skin and even thicker fat layer made anything less than a high-caliber rifle useless against him.
___Arguably the most bloodthirsty of the group was Tangara the Fox, whose bloodstained chainsword whirred and growled with a lust for flesh to tear through. Some stories claim she was once known for fleeing fights more than winning them, but if that was ever true, it wasn’t by the time I witnessed her ferocity. Dodging enemy fire with lethal agility, the Fox charged forward and ripped her foes apart relentlessly.
___The most terrifying, to me, was The Nobody. Every motion, every step, was completely silent. Even looking at him left no impression on the mind beyond a hazy memory once you looked away. It was as if he wasn’t even real, and yet I can vaguely remember a stare that pierced into the very soul of a man, and a laugh that chilled the blood and made the hair on my neck stand up. Other than that… nothing. That is what scares me the most.
___Seventh in line, Clyfe Arseus was a male inu known far and wide for his unwavering conviction and stubbornness. If he sniffed out any sign of weakness, he would grab on and never let go until he won. He carried a rocket launcher and magical several rockets. He always aimed for the weak point in enemy defenses, methodically countering any enemy advance while ferociously blasting away at their vulnerabilities.
___Finally, rounding out the group was the man himself… Csion the Excessively Angry. Possessing a raging fury that inspired legends across multiple worlds, and a ruthlessness that had once drawn the attention of the Isolon Fist itself, Csion was considered dead by almost everyone in Negav. The Fist claimed they ended his life in a raid, and they shook off any rumors of his escape. The cane his left side leaned on was made of a glassy, black, obsidian-like material that seemed to seethe with anger of its own.
___I couldn’t find any words at that time. We were all sure that even in surrender, we would be killed. We had expected only a ragtag group of bandits, sure that all the tales and stories were simply exaggeration. We were wrong.
___“Well, well,” the Both said levelly, looking us over, “it seems there are a few who don’t want to fight. Rational and cowardly, pragmatic and stupid.” He let the nozzle of the flamethrower point to the ground, instead of at us.
___An agitated whirr emanated from Tangara’s chainsword, matching her own eager growl. “Tell me I can get at least a couple of them. I didn’t get to kill any of them in the fight.” She glared at everyone in turn, obviously picking out the ones she wanted.
___“Wait,” Csion interrupted, stepping forward. “Let one of them go back to tell them.” Clyfe began to protest, but Csion shook his head and held up his right hand. “No, we want them to know. Let the Fist come for us again. We are ready this time.”
___And I… oh God, do I need to recount the rest? It was horrible. The girl, Tangara the Fox, she just began butchering people left and right. The others stood back and watched, and anyone who tried to run were quickly cut down.
___They decided to let me go, sir. I was the last one standing, and Csion had glared at me, saying “Go ahead, tell them… go run to the Fist with this story.” So… uh, I did. But I’m telling you, you’ll need to burn the whole forest! I wouldn’t ever attack those people head-on! Sir?
___…You don’t believe me, do you? Oh, okay… just… promise me you’ll tell someone! Let people know not to go out there, that it’s dangerous… all right. You’re right. I should go home and rest. It’s been difficult.

All of the critique I can offer is enclosed in the spoiler.

Spoiler:

This story and I are getting married. Everyone meet me in Vegas in one week.

Quote :

Next to him was Animus-Junkei the Both, supposedly from a world inhabited by giant spiders more aggressive and venomous than any creature in Felarya. He sported the type of large, intimidating flamethrower that the human survivalists on his world use to cook the spiders and burn their webs. The reason for his title of the Both is known to only a few, but he could talk his way through a confrontation with his silver tongue ...

An approximation of my expression and reaction:

The best story ever written.

And that's really all there is to say on the matter.