Eusunas characters Edited

This Bio took quite a long time to write
Critique on where to improve would be much appreciated.

The main character of my small stories.

Name: Facilis
Age: 18
Gender: male
Race: Human
Height: 1,80 meters tall
Weight: 75 KG
Eye color: Brown
Hair color: orange (short)

Clothing

A black long sleeve shirt, gray slacks,
A big long brown leather jacket, when long enough to ground.
Due to the lack knowledge and experience about the danger or about the world in general, Facilis has no equipment

Abilities/skills:
The soul of Saltare. A man who was once known as The spirit Dancer. An insane murderer, Sleeps within Facilises soul, whose power and memories awakened, in Facilis at the age of 18.
With both power of Saltare, facilis is able to pretty much whatever, he would desire at will, though he doesn't have the know how, to do so.
Saltare were able use his power, Change peoples intentions, memories, changing solid to liquids and the other way around, creating a void kind of space out of nothing, or being able to run/walk on air, many other things can be done but mentioning would make the list too long.
But even with the memories and power Saltare, Facilis only has no real experience of his own, he can only use Saltare power, to a certain extent.
Facilis can and very limited bend parts of his surroundings, like to give stones/metals or a like new shapes, make water rise, perhaps even change people intentions for a short period of time ( around 5-10 seconds at most) turn into the air like into a soft fluffy pillow that that can carry him.
This ability has one condition, psychical most have been made, before anything else can be done.
After that even in the distance, the bending can be done, though it only at first it's needed, and being the target for the bending, otherwise, physical contact must be made.
Some may mistake this ability, to be telekinesis, since the physical contact at first.
One final thing must be said, is a situation where Facilis would die or forced into a black out or similar
Saltare will take control, and continue his "dance of death" from where he left off, unless Facilis is able to regain himself, this had yet to happen.
If it did Eva, Facilises mother will most likely appear shortly, to insure Saltares demise, regardless of her son's life.


Personality:
Facilis is a kind soul, who wants nothing more than to explore the world, after spending his whole life, inside his home, which basically is a hole in the ground, deep within the dark part of felarya forest.
After reaching the age of 18 Facilis became confused and very insecure, due to the memories forced upon him, by the soul of Saltare, giving him a hard time telling the difference between his own and Saltare memories.
Due to all Saltares memories was viewed as it was his own, that unfortunate day.
Since most of Saltare memories is, tied to his psychotic/insane state of mind, that lasted for more than hundreds of years, filled with, death, screams of pain, mostly very unpleasant memories for a kind person such as Facilis.
Out of fear of seeing himself, as an equal to Saltares, Facilis a desire, will try to, be as kind and selfless as possible, sometimes ignoring his own desires, and would never not this power power to hurt, anyone regardless of the individual's intentions or species.
Aside of all this, Facilis is also very naive, have poor sense of direction, knows little about the world, and, Sarcasm is like a foreign language to him, and he takes things very literally.
Facilies also have a habit, of asking the wrong kind of question. When most would know not to, like If you tell not to ask a question, he will ask about is there something wrong with or why not to ask about what he was told not to ask.

Background:
Facilis was born, deep inside the darker part of Felaryas forest's deep inside a hole beneath a large stone, cursed by the Soul of Saltare, before his mother Eva was pregnant with him.
This happened when Eva together with Ese, Facilises father hunted Saltare for the sake of revenge, due to something painful Saltare did to her in the past.
Luckily for Eva and Ese, Saltare was distracted, when Felarya appeared, and even after entering this strange new world, he could barely concentrate.
This gave Eva the perfect opportunity to strike him down, but before his very end, he sealed is own soul, inside Eva, but in a way, so he would enter the soul of the first born child, hoping that Eva would suffer as much as possible for his momentarily enjoyment.
Eva decided to have a child, ( Facilis) regardless of anything but as far away from any human/alike influence, as possible by making a home deep inside a hole she made using her power, in the darkest part of felarya forest. (Though Eva believes Felarya to be a jungle)
As a result, Facilis as spent nearly his whole life, inside this hole/home living together with his parents, and knows only little about the outside world, though he had made some few failed escape attempts.
The only things he knows, about the world are tales, told to him by the few, adventures Eva and/or Ese, have decided to provide with shelter, food and temporally safety, though these tales, was always told without any negative aspects, due to Eva very insisting presence.
When Facilis reached the age of 18, and the memories and power of Saltare, ran all at once through, all at once, Facilis ended with running, leaving home for good, this time without being stopped.
After managing to calm down a bit, he is now trying to, explore the world hoping to learn, more about himself, the world and what it means to have, someone important to you, outside family.

Other information:
Facilis holds no interest in kind power or wealth.
But is try to explore the world, and hopefully, he will be able, to make a friend or two in the process.
Facilis only interest is to find a friend or two and explore the world, that he live in.

With the greatest respect in the world, it would great if you could run this through a spell-checker, and fix up a couple of the sentences which have been left unfinished (eg. " in front of other,", "Genus only interest is", "But Eva decied to raise Genus with as little") before seeking further feedback.

One thing I can tell you from the offset though - I would really strongly recommend changing Teat's name. Round here at least, that's another word for a nipple! Unless it's intended as a joke it's really very distracting.

McKindle wrote:

With the greatest respect in the world, it would great if you could run this through a spell-checker, and fix up a couple of the sentences which have been left unfinished (eg. " in front of other,", "Genus only interest is", "But Eva decied to raise Genus with as little") before seeking further feedback.

One thing I can tell you from the offset though - I would really strongly recommend changing Teat's name. Round here at least, that's another word for a nipple! Unless it's intended as a joke it's really very distracting.

thx for the heads up.

Teat = Nipple i had no idea

i have been using that name trough at least 14 chapters darn it.

thx mate, now i just need to make a new name. and edit all my chapters.

well have changed the name Teat to Saltare, after now kowing what it meant.

Also, the Latin word "genus" means "kind" as in "type," not as in kindly or generous. I mention this as it seems you meant for his name to reference his kind personality. I forgot what the word for that is though...

parameciumkid wrote:

Also, the Latin word "genus" means "kind" as in "type," not as in kindly or generous. I mention this as it seems you meant for his name to reference his kind personality. I forgot what the word for that is though...

i quess that what i get from using google to transelate.
was looking for unfamiliar way to say kind/generous and make a name without, making it sound like an adjektiv, and at the same make a little original,
thx for the note, and after an hours looking around, i manage to find an alternative

Eusuna, I cant remember what your native language is, but either way, don't be afraid to ask us for help. People like Anime-Junkie, FrenchSnack, and Myself would be willing to help.

Unfortunately I wont be able to give my full time for another week at least. I'm still on my trip.

Ilceren wrote:

I've tried to read your character's bio to give my feedback, but sadly I don't seem to be able to finish it. The six-lines-long sentences and the misplaced commas make it rather difficult to read and understand at the same time, since I have to rebuild the sentence in my mind and lose the sense of what it's intended to mean. If you're not used to English, I strongly recommend you to try making simple, short sentences, with one or two commas at most. Also, if I have to be totally honest, some sentences seem Google-translated to me.

Sorry for not being able to give a critique. I'm sure you spent a lot of effort on that char, but...

Thank you for telling me this.

have now tried to, Edit/correct the Bio best way possible, hopeing it will be easier to understand, much less to read.

Archmage_Bael wrote:

Eusuna, I cant remember what your native language is, but either way, don't be afraid to ask us for help. People like Anime-Junkie, FrenchSnack, and Myself would be willing to help.

Unfortunately I wont be able to give my full time for another week at least. I'm still on my trip.

My native language is Danish.
Thanks for the offer it's very tempting
now i just need, find a wa to ask, nicely enough .

Bio 2
Finally it's done.
A lot of writing and even more rereading and editing, on this one.
Hope most of the, errors I made in the bio before, aren't present in this one.

This time it's about Saltare or what's left of him.

Oh yea I would love feedback about the characters
And don't hesitate to to mention, if you find the test hard to understand. Then I would know that I need to do some editing.

Thank you.

The soul of Saltare.
Saltare has no longer a body, due to his present state.

But this might give an idea about how he looked like, before his fall.
[img][/img]


Power/skill.
Saltares power is indeed something to be reckoned with.
He had the power, to bend reality itself, in whatever manner he desired.
Breaking a giant castle with, one touch with his finger, turning a living human into water, playing with peoples mind, so they despite their refusal, would commit suicide, moving air as it were a book page, and create a small space of empty void, and use it to cause an explosion with powerful shock waves, was indeed something he could, and did easily.
Though his most impressive feat, is that, he manually moves his blood, around the inside of his body, after his heart had stopped, for more than hundreds of, even turning this into an ordinary routine.
It’s been said that, the reason for this power, is that Saltare, is controlling his souls, like his own body, meaning it was really his soul, that does the bending.
Since very few, knows, how to actively move their soul as they please, very few can resist this power, separated from his body, and soul, without losing control of both, body and soul, was a child play for him.
This proves that, Saltares had a superhuman, ability to stay concentrated, despite his personality. ( I will get to that soon)
Beside from this, Saltare was very flexible, and athletic with fast reflexes,.
Also he knows how doing the ballet dance. (Though it might look weird to anyone but himself )
Most important, and this might had been, the very core of his power/skill.
Solitaire's eyes, sees not his world as we do.
With one eye he sees only the souls, of everything around, unable to anything but that. (This includes his own soul)
With his other eye, he can see emotions, and part of his surroundings.
Saltare has his weaknesses.
His body was very fragile, even a punch from a, ordinary 10 year old, punch would. Had same impact, as it were from a well trained adult.
In addition to this, Saltares haves barley any raw power, so if one had equal, the amount of control over their soul, as he, Saltares power will be rendered useless on them directly.
This power also comes with a heavy price, if Saltare (this goes for Facilis too thanks to Saltare) were to die, in a non-age-related way, he wouldn’t just die, but completely disappear, from extinct itself, due to their soul, will die as well, together with their body, and thus completely vanish as never existed, erasing all memories, tied to him

Personality.
Saltares personality can be, described in 3 words.
Ruthless:
He will do anything, to please his momentarily desires. Taking the life of thousands, or causing them great deal pain is enjoyable.
But he favors most of all to hunt, those who are at the peak of their life, or is moments away from a dream, in short those who are, having a very wonderful time.
Also his lust for taking life, is so intense, that even after being nothing, but a sealed soul within another, can be felt by others, as it were some kind of aura, warning anyone near him (or Facilis) is in danger.
Impulsive:
He only acts on impulsive thought, thus never plans ahead, unless the a sudden idea tells him so.
If something pops up, and were to catch his interest, he will most likely forget about, anything else, regardless of the circumstances.
This caused his defeat. Saltare simply couldn’t decide what to do, when the excitement of Felarya suddenly appearing in front of him, and Eva who was hunting him down.
Obsessed:
Saltare was obsessed with dancing, he loves nothing more than to dance, and show it to his unlucky victims, before ending their life, or cursing them forever.
Every time Saltare would use his power, it would be while dancing.
Saltare believed his dance, would be more beautiful, when facing one, at equal control over their own skill/power as himself, thus, there would be times, were Saltare would, spare his victims.
Even grand them additional powers, or awakens their hidden talents, hoping they will return, so he would be able to dance in their presents, while they try killing him.

Background:
It’s been said, that tablets around different world, made by someone unknown, describe Saltares past.
This is what can be told.
The name Saltare, was apparently now his real name, but a replacement made by himself, after leaving his birthplace.
His original name, was Headache a name given to, represent, his former tribes feeling towards him.
Born in tribe of, with only physical big and strong warriors, but being the only with fragile body, he was treated as a pest by all, except his own sister.
He lived in his life in a, dirt/mud hole beside the house of his parents, feeding on the scraps from their meals, though his sister tried her best, to train him hoping he would become strong, and accepted by the tribe.
Saltare eventually left his tribe, feeling he was a burden, to his sister, and worthless as a member of his family, he travelled the world.
Years afterwards , he returned to the tribe, changed with and obsessed, love for him, but now he had no care about anything else, despite themselves , treated him like before he left.
Until a day, when the tribe was attacked by an army of with an overwhelming force, where Saltares dance, proved to be more than a bunch a weird movements, but a tool of war, he single handily killed 2000 out of 2300 attacked, by himself using his, new found power.
The Tribe came to respect him, his family loves him, and his sister happy for him. Saltares changed from being useless to be a proud, member of the Tribe, this new found respect made Saltare explode for the, very first and only time with rage.
Even though he had become accepted, Saltare was angry, at his Tribe, for only caring for him, when could fight by their side, not to mention win their fights for them.
Saltare left the Tribe again, but this time, leaving the whole all but his sister dead, she in turn promised vendetta against him.
From this point his story in mostly unknown, but across worlds, people talk about, a man wearing strange clothes, romping through their words or lands.
Tales of one called Saltare the spirit dancer, one who brings nothing but pain and death on his way.
A warning more than a 100 year olds says, if you were to meet, a man you wears a, girl dress and a short violet shirt, and with a black and white eye, hide and pray that, he has something else in mind, otherwise there is no saving you from a horrible fate.
But apparently at one point, he caused a woman named Eva great deal of pain, who like many before wanted power to destroy him, but she was lucky that during their fight, Felarya appeared, causing Saltare to forget about her, giving her the, perfect opportunity, to bring him down once and for all.
She partly succeeded, Saltare was indeed defeated, but before Eva could deliver the finish blow, he sealed himself, inside Evas body, a seal that who is being attached and merge with, the soul of Eva first child.
Saltares power and memories, is now part of Facilis own, and whether Saltare will return, again or keep sleeping inside this individual soul, is something only the future can tell.