Author’s Note: This is pure silliness.
In the chaotic world of Felarya, all manner of beings mundane and magical converge, with smaller individuals usually situated close to the bottom of the food chain. To visitors, it is a strange and hostile place, where the promise of an ageless life is overshadowed by the equally potent promise that just about everyone eventually ends up in the stomach of another. To those native-born denizens however, Felarya is… pretty much the same, actually, though maybe not all that strange, given their constant exposure to the place.
The man wandering about the Giant Tree was no visitor, though going by the wonder ever-sparkling in his eyes; he could easily be mistaken for a newcomer. He is less an adventurer than he is a wanderer, taking in the world for as long as he can before he figures something will finally manage to do him in. A peaceful man with a sense of humor unbecoming one surrounded on all sides by danger, he would sooner play a prank or tell a joke than raise a hand in violence against any attacker capable of holding a conversation.
Three such predators made their way for the man as he sat down to rest just at the edge of the shadows cast by the gargantuan boughs of the appropriately-named tree, the trio guided by the keen prey-detecting senses of the blond, blue-scaled Giant Naga who rushed ahead, even though she knew she wasn’t guaranteed a snack by arriving first.
The man heard her approach, as she had no reason to hide her presence (he had nowhere to hide, so why be stealthy?) and simply rose to a sitting position, placing his hat back atop his head.
“Hello there, Giant Naga.” He wore a wide, kind smile, made deeper the light wrinkles creasing the sides of his eyes. A full, neatly maintained salt-and-pepper beard took up the majority of his face. “Out for a stroll?” He wasn’t so naïve as to think he wasn’t being eyed hungrily, but he was always genial.
The apex predator took this in stride, ever cheerful, “Well, I was, until I sensed you nearby. I could be up for a little snack, even if you’re not a Neko.”
Her friends emerged from the tree-line as she spoke, falling in behind and to her sides.
“One human? Kind of a waste of effort, isn’t it, Crisis?” The pink-haired Giant Naga, in her eternally-grumpy state, was a bit miffed at being pulled from her project for just one human.
The pale-skinned, white-haired snake woman to Crisis’ other side simply saw her friends’ impulsivity as cute, “Oh, come now, Anna, we don’t all get to be together like this all that often these days. And you might get to eat him yourself, so don’t complain.”
Anna grumbled, still annoyed, but finally said, “Alright, so how do we decide who gets him?”
Crisis raised her hand before answering like an impatient schoolgirl, “Ooh! Ooh! Let’s play that game you taught me, Anna!” She tried to remember the name, but could only come up with, “That one with the boulder and the swords stuck together and the paper!” She was smarter than she let on of course, but she knew her friends would know what she was talking about, so she didn’t feel the need to put much thought into remembering.
“Rock, Paper, Scissors, Crisis. It was Rock, Paper, Scissors.” Anna grabbed the bridge of her nose, attempting to stave off her anger, to little avail. She looked down to the man, now standing up and watching the three ladies discuss who would be allowed to eat him. He watched as the game was played, and chuckled as the pale one pumped her fists in victory upon winning.
She turned to her intended prey; folding her arms under her breasts and making them bounce in a not-so-subtle manner. “Well, snack…” Her voice was pleasantly throaty, and as she lowered herself almost to his level, the man could feel her attempting to get inside his head, to pacify him long enough for her to wrap him in the long tongue that darted from her mouth.
“My dear, are you attempting to seduce me?” The smile had never left his lips in this time.
Vivian’s tongue retreated into her mouth, and she wore a frown for a moment, before her typical seductive expression returned, “I was, indeed. Any particular reason you weren’t taken in? I’d love to hear what I did wrong, so I make no mistakes after this is done.” She rose back up to her full height, knowing the man couldn’t escape if he wanted to, outside of divine intervention or teleportation.
“Oh, you did nothing wrong, mind you, and in fact, you are quite striking. However…”
“However?”
The man took on a mischievous grin, as if he knew a secret and wanted everyone to guess at it. “Because you are quite beautiful, I doubt you have ever had to struggle all that hard to entrance someone you set your sights on. Would I be correct in that regard?”
Vivian didn’t like that smile. She frowned again, inwardly a bit nervous, but not truly worried, “I suppose you would be. What exactly are you getting at, snack?” She wanted to make sure that he knew where he stood in this exchange: this was only a courtesy.
The man rubbed his chin through his bushy beard, “Well, perhaps if you had a bit of a… handicap, I might appreciate your efforts a bit more…”
A handicap? The Giant Naga looked to her friends, seeking an ok to simply gobble the man up immediately, not that she needed a reason, but still…
She met Anna’s gaze first, and was greeted with an expression Vivian had never seen on the human-turned Naga: her eyes were wide, lips beginning to wobble in an attempt to stifle a smile. The woman placed a hand over her mouth and turned away, not wanting her acquaintances to see her childish glee.
“Anna? What are you…?” Vivian turned to ask Crisis what was going on, unsure at what had just happened.
The blond-haired Fairy-reared woman briefly wore the same expression Anna had but moments before, though Crisis was a little too open emotionally to hold back for long.
“Pfff—” She turned to the side to finally unleash a fit of laughter that caused birds to scatter from the nearby trees in surprise. “VIVIAN! OH MY— I—! IT’S— WOW, YOUR, YOUR FACE!” She quickly lost the ability to speak at all coherently, holding her gut and turning away to hide her condition slightly.
“What in the world is going— Wait, what’s wrong with my…?”
On Earth, there is an established archetype for a character usually called something like ‘cracked prospector’. One of the defining characteristics of this stock character is his wild, unkempt whiskers.
It was when Vivian realized her chin was now feeling warmer that she realized what she was now in possession of. There were a few seconds of relative silence (Crisis was still doubled over, occasionally looking back to her friend just as she was about to calm down and going into another fit every time) where Vivian, a virtual idol of sex appeal and feminine form, daintily touched the new addition to her face.
What would ensue was a scream of such volume that it could easily be heard for miles despite the muffling effect of the trees all around. The Harpies sleeping in the lowest boughs of the Giant Tree nearly fell from their perches. Vivian fled, slithering away from all nearby eyes and making haste for her home near the Chordoni Waterfalls, her tormented vocalization seeming to continue as if she didn’t require air at all.
A wide smile adorned the man’s face as he watched the normally confident creature turn tail and run. His childish joy was quickly soured by a new shadow looming over him.
“I’ll admit that was entertaining, human, but I’m not leaving here without something in my belly.” Anna had come in second place in the deciding game, so she considered the man to be hers’ now.
Crisis was finally calming down for her part, and seemed almost disappointed in her friend’s actions. “Aww, you’re going to eat him after that, Anna? That’s not nice…”
“Indeed, Anna. I’d call it a bit villainous, in fact.” Whether or not Crisis could see it, the man winked to the Giant Naga.
“Call it what you will, it’s just survival out—” The woman’s excuse was cut off when she saw something wiggling under her nose.
In silent film and theater, it is often necessary to give characters exaggerated features and gestures to make it clear to the audience who is the hero and who is the villain. One such villainous feature now graced the lip of the ever grumpy predator.
“You gave me a moustache?” Anna was unhappy, but her response was far less dramatic than the previous victim of the man’s unusual ability. Even Crisis, despite having full view of the villainous facial hair, was not terribly moved.
“Not just a moustache, my dear…” He started up again, the same grin he had previously worn back and now more devious than before. “You’re hardly acting the part of a lady, thinking that you can eat me just as I finish deal with one threat, so I helped your outer appearance reflect your lack of femininity.”
Clothes are hard to come by in Felarya, at least for large predators: most simply go about in the nude, never ashamed of their bodies.
In that moment however, Anna found that she couldn’t see her normally quite-visible breasts for the massive bush of brown curly hair concealing most of her upper body.
It was this, in addition to the long, thin moustache, that sent Crisis over the edge again, the girl falling to the jungle floor and pounding her fists against the ground with almost enough force to knock the man off his feet as spasms of laughter wracked her entire form.
All Anna could manage was, “MY TITS!” She couldn’t let herself be seen like this, especially with Crisis around. She already knew the chipper Giant Naga would never let her live this down, but she still dashed off into the jungle, hoping to find some escape (and maybe a giant razor).
The lone Giant Naga near the man was still doubled over, now holding her tail up against her body to stifle her laughter, but failing miserably. It was only when she felt a sudden unwelcome wetness that the girl gave an embarrassed yelp and slithered off, her entire upper body flushing red with shame.
The man, delighted at having had so much fun, simply sat himself back down and finally had a good chortle of his own. He wasn’t alone for long however, as the leader Naga returned, her bladder now empty.
“I haven’t laughed like that in too long, mister.” She got down close to him, propping her head up atop her folded arms. “I don’t think I could bring myself to eat you.”
The man took off his hat and gave a quick bow before replacing it. “That’s good to hear. I don’t think I could come up with an idea to use on you.”
Crisis offered a hand for the man to climb up onto, “Hey, hey, would you mind coming with me for a while? I’ve got more friends I want to mess with.” She flashed a big smile at him as the man acquiesced and was promptly placed upon her shoulder.
“Lead the way.”
Subject: Lord Folliculus: Beard-Master of Felarya 
Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:13 pm
