Nephilim's character Sheet

Well here I go, here is Character Nephilim (and soon to be characters in the future.)



Name: Nephilim Vartin
Nicknames:
'The Golden Spider' 'Spinner of the Golden Web'
Age: Unkown (He has forgotten it himself)
D.O.B: Records indicate the department of the Correctors
Current Residence: Deep in the Unkown Regions of the Dridder Forest, Felarya
Race: Ancient Dridder 'Antiqua Aranea' in Latin
Predication: Opportunist
Friend or Foe: Nephilim will hate those who would only desire to destroy his children.
Family:
Father of Arachnoids
Occupation: Father of spiders and Dridder he raised.

APPEARANCE
Height: 170 Feet
Hair: Gold, short and spikey, you cannot see it, but Nephilim has a long, golden pony tail down to his backside and the end is shapped like a curved spider fang.

Eyes: Golden
Skin: Healthy and fair skin tone.
Body type: Varies due to height, but always remains the average muscley build.
Clothing: A Golden long coat and red spider legs for highlights, with to royalty shoulder pads on either side. A Iron black crown, with Arachnid detail into the crown. Golden inner suit, with ruby buttons, and the traditional black tie. Gold under robe with the spider symbol, a bit wrecked due to its old age. Finally Imperial Golden boots with red rubies, and a red web design. He finally has two golden Pedipalp, that rest on his vest.
Jewelry / Others: Wears a Dridder Necklace


PERSONALITY:

Overall: Nephilim is a true inspiration of a fatherhood being, as he watch looked after, and fed his uncalculable amount of dridder and spider children over the many years he has been alive. Nephilim is not only a gentleman and well loving father type, he is known for his polite personality to strangers and his aggressiveness to those who would harm him, and his children. Due to his more 'thoughtful and devotion' personality, Nephilim is not a aggressive and savage as he used to be. Taking care of his children of Spiders and Dridders alike has never been easy on him. There have been times where he has lost some children due to being eaten alike by other predators in the outside world of Felarya's jungle. But unfortunately, that is how the world works, and Nephilim has to be a strong man, and keep his head up with pride, making sure that his young spiderlings and dridderlings do not become scared. However, by the ever lasting cycle of Felarya, Nephilim respects the law of nature, and the food chain for the greater good.

Moving on, most other times he can be quite a charmer and ladies man when he wants to be, and a good sense of humour. Nephilim does love to sing whenever he desire to mate, and boy does he sing beautifully.

Likes:
Reading
Hunting
Family
Spider
Jewlery
Food
Countryside
Forests
Spider Caves



Dislikes:
Cities
CANNIBALS! (he hates them the most.)
Stress
Food running away
Anyone who hurt his spider babies




Fears:
Water
Fire


Hobbies:
Hunting
Preparing Food
Spending time with family
Forging with his gold web
Reading (Fantasy, War and Strategy)
Spinning his Golden Web

Dreams:
Protecting his family
Watch his family grow and develop strong

Flaws:
Overprotective
Bit of a short temper
Takes risks
Scared to death of Fire and Water
Can be Very stubborn
Not very good at close range fighting, due to many years of being more of a inspiration father
Vulnerable when his children are harmed
Can be rather impatient at times.

Abilities:
The only Dridder that can spin Golden Webs, a gold silk that absorbs magical energies so that his pesky magic users can not get away. The more the prey struggles from the Golden web, the increase of the chance that it hardens, proving a more difficult chance to escape. However it is possible to still escape the harden, if the prey does not panic on impact.The hardening of the Web takes about one hour to fully grip onto the prey. It also makes excellent resource for developing clothes, weapons, and armour. The Golden web can be utilized as a bandage, a good source of a first aid tool. Whether the Web contains a magical essence of quantities is a mystery.
Is extremely intelligent and able to solves puzzles in 5 minutes.
Very Persuasive and a very good singer.
Has the power of Telepathy

Fun Facts:
if Nephilim Vartin were to ever enter a full Spider form, then this would be the resemblance: [link]
Zodiac: Libra

Bio:

"Gather round my dear children of Spiders and Dridders alike....Allow daddy to tell you a story..."

It is said that he has been around even before time began, Born from a golden Egg sac that grew and developed and then hatched to give birth to Nephilim Vartin. Spinning his Golden Webs to help escalate the birth of the universe. Many people consider him to be a god, but all the time the Ancient Dridder says "If I were a God, then there would be a party 24/7, and my children would be living for eternity." No, Nephilim does not consider himself to be a God, but only a immortal being, a Dridder that like any other who only desires to live, feed, wed, reproduce and continue the never ending cycle. <close enough when it comes to RPs. Especially the immortal part depending on definition.
Other sources claim that Nephilim Vartin is a member of the Dridder Royalty in Felarya, whilst other claim that it was he who have founded the Dridder forests, and created vast amounts of catacombs underneath the surface.
However in all honestly, if people desire knowledge from 'The Golden Spider' do expect to pay a very...very...high price.

Alright, let's begin. I'm going to say, this character is a definite Mary Sue, or Marty Stue as the case may be. He is created without any flaws, and it is alluded to that he hasn't even fully unlocked his power.

Quote :

if Nephilim Vartin were to ever enter a full Spider form, then this would be the resemblance: [link]

He some how has a size changing ability that is supposed to be reserved for faeries and the like, even though he is supposed to be a dridder. Even that isn't quite right. He is a different subspecies known as ancient dridders, who looks almost nothing like normal dridders. It would be best if you tried to stick with the established cannon, especially on a first character. He has quite a long list of powers that label him as better than everyone, and awesome in every way, and a shining personality with absolutely no flaws, and while this may be fun for you, it does not add up to a very interesting character. The clothing you may be able to find some explanation for, but just remember, larger creatures are going to have some difficulty acquiring it. All in all, i think he needs some serious revisement, or perhaps should be scrapped in favor of a better character. Try looking at the established cannon, and building off of that, also look at already well made characters. Definitely don't go overboard on the powers and abilities, and remember every good character has a nice set of flaws.

EvilGenius wrote:

Alright, let's begin. I'm going to say, this character is a definite Mary Sue, or Marty Stue as the case may be. He is created without any flaws, and it is alluded to that he hasn't even fully unlocked his power.

Quote :

if Nephilim Vartin were to ever enter a full Spider form, then this would be the resemblance: [link]

He some how has a size changing ability that is supposed to be reserved for faeries and the like, even though he is supposed to be a dridder. Even that isn't quite right. He is a different subspecies known as ancient dridders, who looks almost nothing like normal dridders. It would be best if you tried to stick with the established cannon, especially on a first character. He has quite a long list of powers that label him as better than everyone, and awesome in every way, and a shining personality with absolutely no flaws, and while this may be fun for you, it does not add up to a very interesting character. The clothing you may be able to find some explanation for, but just remember, larger creatures are going to have some difficulty acquiring it. All in all, i think he needs some serious revisement, or perhaps should be scrapped in favor of a better character. Try looking at the established cannon, and building off of that, also look at already well made characters. Definitely don't go overboard on the powers and abilities, and remember every good character has a nice set of flaws.

First of all, I would like to thank you for your honest Critique, but for my defense I would like to add that I have added flaws to my character, perhaps you may have misread it?
As for size changing ability, there are plenty of Dridders they are different by size, and not exactly just left to faries and other races. Althought I will admit, I will request a Second Stage picture of Nephilim that makes him look more of a Dridder, then a Final Stage, where he is a full spider.
Again, for his personality, I wanted nephilim to be an example of being a fatherly type to his children, again he has flaws being Overprotective of his young, and has 'stressed' due to the lost of some of his sons and daughters being eaten in the forest.

I agree with you completely that every good character requires a good set amount of flaws, but I will not scarp this character for a new. Once again, I thank you.

They are different sizes, but their size is fixed, they are unable to change on a whim. I also suggest you keep a single form for your character, unless hiss magic type would force a form change, and not just for the aesthetics. As for the flaws, i'll read over it once more ,and reconsider my judgement, but as of now it stays the same.

EvilGenius wrote:

They are different sizes, but their size is fixed, they are unable to change on a whim. I also suggest you keep a single form for your character, unless hiss magic type would force a form change, and not just for the aesthetics. As for the flaws, i'll read over it once more ,and reconsider my judgement, but as of now it stays the same.

Hmmm you do make a valid point about size changing. Prehaps that should he use his golden web, it allows him to change his size to his will? But as a flaw for size changing he can only use it once a month? or once ever three months?

Honestly, i would suggest the removal of both golden web, and size changing traits. Try just creating a normal dridder before attempting something like this.

EvilGenius wrote:

Honestly, i would suggest the removal of both golden web, and size changing traits. Try just creating a normal dridder before attempting something like this.

Hmmm I don't know. he would not exactly be called 'The Golden Spider' without the special trait of his Golden Web. So with respect for my character, I want him to keep the golden Web. Besides there is no law of other dridders asking him to produce a golden web for them.

As for size changing, I thought it would be a nice little gift, I never expected to cause disturbance in the Felarya Universe. But, I'm not complaining, after all you have been here longer then I have.

I think you're not off to a bad start (I've seen MUCH worse), but I agree with the general point raised by EG. Lord Nephilim, if your avatar and username are any indication, seems likely your "opus" character, your favorite one and the one on which you have spent the most time. So you don't need to delete him, just so we're clear!
However, before introducing him to this universe, it's wise to test the water by introducing some other character. Try making up one that has relatively little significance in the overall scheme of things, so that your creativity doesn't run the danger of contradicting established canon or falling into "Mary Sue" territory. If you want to start with a dridder, just make a normal dridder (well at least mostly normal), perhaps with a special personality trait or other feature that makes it yours without making it too big a deviation from the norm. Afterward, as you get to know the community and the universe better, you can be more ambitious with your characters, and eventually maybe you can put in a character like this - by then, who knows? You may have come up with a much better version of him that also happens to fit in a lot better.
Long story short, I recommend you table this one, or at least keep it in your mental "shoebox of awesome ideas that aren't quite ready yet", and if you want to introduce characters, introduce some less important, less unusual ones first.

And stay flexible! It's great that you're accepting criticism without getting mad or stubborn, so by all means keep it up!

P.S. Your link is... not a link. It just says "[link]" without any hyperlink to follow.

Hmmm kinda ignoring what others have said so forgive me if i repeat a thought from them.

One of the biggest things I noticed was the whole father of dridders and spiders things =o seems like a lot of credit goes to him for the Felarya universe. Typically when I make a character I try to avoid some earth shaking events. It might be better to say something like he was there with the one who did or something like that but even I would say thats still pushing it. Unless of course you want to make it a lie! =D that would be interesting that certain Dridders worship as a god already the whole being the father of all could be one of the rumors too ^^

On the subject of the father thing I think having the over protective father is fairly decent but he understands that they have to die too much for my taste =o ya know? Maybe if he was the type to forever hold a grudge against anyone who hurt his family maybe even leave the safety of his nest for vengence might make it more flaw like.

The golden web is 200 times stronger! X< As far as I know dridder webs are already pretty tough might want to tone that down. You could also maybe switch that aspect for another? Like it absorbs magic energy so pesky teleporting mages can't get away! Or something else other that because damn XD

thats all I got right now =o he seems like a real cool guy to hangout with though XD

Saen Kel wrote:

Hmmm kinda ignoring what others have said so forgive me if i repeat a thought from them.

One of the biggest things I noticed was the whole father of dridders and spiders things =o seems like a lot of credit goes to him for the Felarya universe. Typically when I make a character I try to avoid some earth shaking events. It might be better to say something like he was there with the one who did or something like that but even I would say thats still pushing it. Unless of course you want to make it a lie! =D that would be interesting that certain Dridders worship as a god already the whole being the father of all could be one of the rumors too ^^

On the subject of the father thing I think having the over protective father is fairly decent but he understands that they have to die too much for my taste =o ya know? Maybe if he was the type to forever hold a grudge against anyone who hurt his family maybe even leave the safety of his nest for vengeance might make it more flaw like.

The golden web is 200 times stronger! X< As far as I know dridder webs are already pretty tough might want to tone that down. You could also maybe switch that aspect for another? Like it absorbs magic energy so pesky teleporting mages can't get away! Or something else other that because damn XD

thats all I got right now =o he seems like a real cool guy to hangout with though XD

Yeah EG and Nyaha was talking about that yesterday (bless their souls for helping me out.) So might as well change that. Also even f he was to forever hold a grudge, what can he do? its the food cycle of life in the felaryan universe, considering that it eat pred or prey world. As much as he hates it, he must respect the law of nature.

Hmm good point there, absorb magic enegy >;3 like that.

It maybe the law of nature but doesn't mean he has to accept it ^^ organic beings are known for acting out of emotion rather than logic ^^ Like my character Constance. She kills and eats anything she can, why? Because she is under the impression if she does it will help her become a giant predator and never fear being eaten again! This is obviously not true but makes an interesting character in my opinion ^^ people are far more irrational than rational in real life. Just my opinion do what ya want ^^

I agree, when creating Felarya characters you have to strike a balance when it comes to how they react to the world of Felarya, you don't want a character too easily effected by death, because they will run out into the forest screaming "REVENGE!!" And get themselves killed, but the same time you don't want a character who just sits back and goes "Oh well, that's life!' because they just become too saint like to be believeable.

Alot of Felarya characters are opportunists, the smart ones know which predators are not worth pursuing but that doesn't mean they will take shit from predators they might have an advantage over.
As far as I see it, in Felarya there is only one true law, 'Self Preservation' when someone knows when to fight or take flight. You take advantage of what you can, and keep the hell away from you can't.

OK time for my Human Character

Name: Fortinbras Lazarus
Species: Vishmital Human
Age: 26
DOB: 2042 A.U
Gender: Male
Current Residence: within the Vishmital areas of Negav, other then that he is usual out in the Felarya jungle.
Height: Depends with and Without Armor, Without Armour he stands at around 208 centimeters (6ft 10in) With Armour he has an increased height of 219 centimeters. (7ft 2in)
Skin colour: White, with a slight hint of a tan, giving his skin a good, healthy colour.
Facial Appearance: The only way to describe his facial looks would be from this picture: http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=Frederic-104#/d2r5jpq
Armour: Being Vishmital, his armour is advanced and state of the ark defense mechanisms. The Helmet's design has 10 angular spikes, one to each side, and the face plate is fused into a single piece and curved. The top rear guard of the helmet is pointed, revealing a long, beetle like spike.The bottom area, around the neck, forms a neck guard, like that of a traditional samurai helmet gear piece. The shoulder pauldrons on the other hand are not so craftily designed as the helmet. The shoulder pauldrons are large and rounded, and have been optimized and utilized for numerous missions for the good of the Vishmital. The Pauldrons have built in bubble shield,allowing for a more advance protection. The Chestguard of the armour is a more advance design both for looks and technologically advantage. For starters, features a thick, round collar piece protecting the neck, as well as an angular strip of armor that appears to be strapped over the chest.It also has has a broadly curved front with a steep back curve on the sides. This construction is intended to increase the survivability of the wearer by providing greater projectile resistance and by deflecting concussion waves around the body and to the side. A power supply control unit is inside the amour allowing a constant flow of energy to power up the shields for the armour.
Overall the Armour is designed to withstand alot of damage, and has all the necessary equipment to survive, data pad on the wrists, holograph display unit, multi layers of felaryan equivalent of titanium alloy, and a strong exoskeleton, allowing the user to lift up object who are over three tons (6,000 pounds). It has a final touch of the Vishmital crest imprinted on the armour to show the achievement of the battlesuit armour for Fortinbras. allow all to see who was the creators of the gear.
HOWEVER, considering all the magnificent achievements of this incredible armour and all the technological gear, tools, and component, it has one of the most dangerous flaws. If the user should ever withstand too much damage, then the armour itself will go into an immediate shutdown against the users will, thereby leaving itself open to all enemy attacks. You could say the armour is a walking, heavily armored coffin, should Fortinbras get into a fatal battle situation, or take too many hits.
Hair colour: Brown.
Eye colour: Brown.
Affiliation: Vishmital
Personality: Being of Vishmital culture,Fortinbras is secretive and mysterious, strong yet calm, rarely raising his voice, or even speaking during briefing mission from Negav. He's wise and observant, but due to his long career in Vishmitals he gained a lot of his "good" qualities and some "not so good ones" such as executing captured terrorist soldiers without saying a word.Fortinbras is known by his fellow people to be very courageous and headstrong like his mother and father, both human soldiers of Negav. However, being with other creatures outside the safety of Negav's walls, Fortinbras has developed a rather unique personality. During his many travels within the harsh jungles of Felarya he has formed a cunning, arrogant, charming and a 'silver tongue' style, which combines with the usual characteristics of a Vishmital. With most issues he gets his way just by charming his listener. However, regarldess of forming new persnoalities to utilised in the felaryan jungle, Fortinbras is a soldier of heart. He has such a strong desire to spar with opponents (whether they are old or new) and greatly respects those who have a strong fighting spirit. Fortinbras silent nature also plays a role with her headstrong attitude, devoting everything towards a mission he may have recieved.
The Male Vishmital is very tenacious to complete any mission at hand, and often disregards his personal safety in order to win. There has been certain incidents for example, a reconnaissance mission within deep naga territory, involved Fortinbras to received data on where have the Missing soldiers have gone. Days later Fortinbras returned beaten black and blue, whilst carrying dead men in his arms. Despite his Cunning, arrogant, and quiet personality, Fortinbras is known to be a good man who keeps his word and will strive to keep any promise he makes, even at great personal risk to himself.
Other characteristics: Several Scars on his face, particulary on his left eye, due to training as a child in felaryan Negav military Vishmital Academy.
Bio:
(To be finished.)