CO's characters

All characters here will be use in my stories feedback is highly apreciated.

Mike Trade a.k.a [Hailstorm]

Spoiler:

CO, have you read the guidelines? https://felarya.forumotion.com/t1247-character-idea-guide

First of all, you could have some order to the sentences in personality. Look.


Mike can remain calm under any situation, he has an unbreakable poker face.
He is not one to shed blood for no reason.
He hates killing and thus prefers to warn predators instead of immediately opening fire at them on sight.
He does lose his temper when he sees someone being violent for no reason: mostly teammates killing civilians and torture.


Now try instead...

Mike has an unbreakable poker face; he can remain calm under almost any situation, but he loses his temper when he sees someone being violent for no reason: mostly teammates killing civilians and torture.
He hates killing and thus prefers to warn predators instead of immediately opening fire at them on sight; he is not one to shed blood for no reason.

The sentences get a bit longer, but they're closer to where they are relevant. That said, there are a few things you could consider.

-What happens with his poker face when he does lose his temper?
-There may be a reason to torture someone or kill civilians. Does he still take exception to this kind of violence then?
-Civilians are very rare in Felarya; you'll meet a lot more nekos than anything else.
-What is he like talking, CO, assuming he's capable of speech? Does he beat around the bush? Go to the grain? Does he use long words, does he curse, does he flatter, does he get to the point? Does he dismiss idle chitchat, join in, or just ignore it?
-A 70' mecha doesn't sound like a team player's gimmick. Please clarify when and how does he have teammates.

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Now for the weapons...

The main rifle, well, there's not much point to mentioning it's a MA5B. MA5B, M16, doesn't make much difference to me. Just saying it has a 3-round burst and blows out 30 rounds a second is enough. You could, however, mention what kind of caliber does it use.

The stomach-bursting giant assault mecha, I'd recommend you to do without. There's no point to that thing except killing any sort of thrill anytime something would eat him: it puts him at too little risk, and not just from predators, but also from anything else given the gatling guns and the energy blades.

I'd rather you found a different reason why he is still alive in Felarya, specially considering you haven't given him any reason whatsoever why he has that thing in the first place.

Thanks for the feedback,

Quote :

First of all, you could have some order to the sentences in personality. Look.


Mike can remain calm under any situation, he has an unbreakable poker face.
He is not one to shed blood for no reason.
He hates killing and thus prefers to warn predators instead of immediately opening fire at them on sight.
He does lose his temper when he sees someone being violent for no reason: mostly teammates killing civilians and torture.


Now try instead...

Mike has an unbreakable poker face; he can remain calm under almost any situation, but he loses his temper when he sees someone being violent for no reason: mostly teammates killing civilians and torture.
He hates killing and thus prefers to warn predators instead of immediately opening fire at them on sight; he is not one to shed blood for no reason.

Yeah that you can be sure i will do

Quote :

-What happens with his poker face when he does lose his temper?

It won't show in his face, it will show in how he moves, talks and every action he will do

Quote :

-There may be a reason to torture someone or kill civilians. Does he still take exception to this kind of violence then?

He still hates it, but if its needed, he will do it

Quote :

-Civilians are very rare in Felarya; you'll meet a lot more nekos than anything else.

He's a mercenairy, he can handywork for politicians in Negav

Quote :

The stomach-bursting giant assault mecha, I'd recommend you to do without. There's no point to that thing except killing any sort of thrill anytime something would eat him: it puts him at too little risk, and not just from predators, but also from anything else given the gatling guns and the energy blades.

i removed it...

As for the teammates, it depends of the job

CrisisOperations wrote:

All characters here will be use in my stories feedback is highly apreciated.

Mike Trade a.k.a [Hailstorm]

Spoiler:

Well....He's plain. Very basic, but he has allot of qualities I like. For one he's not a cold mercenary sterotype. Love that. Always good to see some reasonably human acting mercenaries. Second thing I like is the bareness of his arsenal though I wonder why you didn't use one our weapons. We have allot of cool guns and such. But whatever it seems to be large enough to mabye do soem damage. Certainly will tackle a fairies wings easily, possibly destroy any smaller fauna and certianly cut through the flora, but that knife....Eight inches?! Come on. That's great for human to human combat but man you need to trade up a little. >.- Not to be mean but in Felarya is the one place where size does count. Also I see a lack of magical ability. Either defensive or offensive. Hope your company has a mage or somebody skilled in countering magic. Seriously it helps. ^^;

Quote :

Well....He's plain. Very basic, but he has allot of qualities I like. For one he's not a cold mercenary sterotype. Love that. Always good to see some reasonably human acting mercenaries. Second thing I like is the bareness of his arsenal though I wonder why you didn't use one our weapons. We have allot of cool guns and such. But whatever it seems to be large enough to mabye do soem damage. Certainly will tackle a fairies wings easily, possibly destroy any smaller fauna and certianly cut through the flora, but that knife....Eight inches?! Come on. That's great for human to human combat but man you need to trade up a little. >.- Not to be mean but in Felarya is the one place where size does count. Also I see a lack of magical ability. Either defensive or offensive. Hope your company has a mage or somebody skilled in countering magic. Seriously it helps. ^^;

he used to have a 70' assault mecha but i dropped it...

as for weapons, his gun has an higher firing rate than a gattling gun ^^

He will (maybe) get better weapons latter on...

Anyway, the description is very basic, i will develop him and my other characters as i write my story

CrisisOperations wrote:

Quote :

Well....He's plain. Very basic, but he has allot of qualities I like. For one he's not a cold mercenary sterotype. Love that. Always good to see some reasonably human acting mercenaries. Second thing I like is the bareness of his arsenal though I wonder why you didn't use one our weapons. We have allot of cool guns and such. But whatever it seems to be large enough to mabye do soem damage. Certainly will tackle a fairies wings easily, possibly destroy any smaller fauna and certianly cut through the flora, but that knife....Eight inches?! Come on. That's great for human to human combat but man you need to trade up a little. >.- Not to be mean but in Felarya is the one place where size does count. Also I see a lack of magical ability. Either defensive or offensive. Hope your company has a mage or somebody skilled in countering magic. Seriously it helps. ^^;

he used to have a 70' assault mecha but i dropped it...

as for weapons, his gun has an higher firing rate than a gattling gun ^^

He will (maybe) get better weapons latter on...

Anyway, the description is very basic, i will develop him and my other characters as i write my story

Ah yeah I saw that. Mabye you should have tried a smaller one. They are easier to draw and act a bit like a small dwarf does to big tall orcs. They can out manuever bigger mechs and preds but have good anti-personnel defenses too. I have a whole group called The Brotherhood of Steel who use them as both transport and weapon.

A gattling gun?! Whoa. That's impressive I'll admit but do keep in mind unless your bullets are custom designed to pierce thick skinned preds you may end up wasting allot of rounds. I'd at least add a grenade launcher or another explosive add on. Mabye something with poison gas or something like nitrous to confuse or befuddle predators.

Glad to hear! ^_^ Always a good idea to collect weapons. Never know when you need a different one. After all you can't use your weapon as a magic sword and hope that somebody won't be able to snatch it away.