Feedback for writing

I removed the story and posted it in a new thread, re-worked.

Alright, I'll gladly tell you my thoughts and ideas. ^^

Okay. Seems to be a love story of a male human and female naga. It was done fairly well. I think you got the picture across of an awkward afternoon between two people with feelings for one another quite nicely. I'm interested to know how the two deal with their feelings and the fact that they are two very different species. Love conquers all right? So they say anyway.

So its a solid story. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes dotted about, but they were excusable. There are also a few things that, in my opinion, needed a little more explanation or needed to be expanded upon. I will list them for you now.

>The Human and Naga alliance is a big one. I'm not saying that Humans and Naga would definately never side with one another but it is very unlikely, especially on a large scale such as this. There is no way that the formation of the alliance was smooth and that the two groups live in complete harmony. It is predator and prey and the two do not mix.

To remedy this, I recommend going into more detail about the formation of the alliance, the early hardships of the two sides trying to co-exist and the mixed relations between the two groups now. In a nutshell, it needs to sound more believable.

>The town itself. A seaside town is fine, but I'm wondering when and how the town and its defences were constructed as they are rather large in scale for a town filled with normal people. Also, a town so close to the ocean is at major risk of aquatic predators, such as Mermaids. Consider also that the Naga live seperately from the town and you can see the danger. A mermaid could pop out of the ocean, swallow a handful of humans and then dive back down again before the Naga or the cannoneers could react.

You could mention this fact and use it to add a bit of tension to the story. The possible threat of Mermaid attack and what the town does to deal with that issue. Maybe a pact? An agreement to leave the town alone could be made between the the Naga and Mermaids. Then the town seems like it is much safer if there are countermeasures against threats.

>You might go into this more in future parts but I feel more backstory is needed, especially between our two main characters. All we know about them so far is their names, their race, and they like each other. More information about what things have happened to them in their lives, and how it affects them now makes them much deeper and likeable characters. Things like what each of them did before the alliance was formed and they lived in Victoryana, what they'd like to do and other things along that line.

>This one is just nitpicking at this stage, but Naga are typically freaking huge. To try to throw fruit in their mouths and miss, is as ludicrous as missing the side of a barn with a bullet. I feel like you could have done more with that moment, by having Trixy make fun of Matt for failing to hit such an easy target and setting up some comedy there for the reader to enjoy.


Well there you have it. Just my opinions and criticism but that is what you wanted, so that is what I gave you. Feel free to use my ideas, or to completely ignore them. I wish you all the best with your future parts. ^^

Alright, I'll gladly tell you my thoughts and ideas. ^^

Thank you very much! I really appreciate it!
I'll split up your post and answer.

Okay. Seems to be a love story of a male human and female naga. It was done fairly well. I think you got the picture across of an awkward afternoon between two people with feelings for one another quite nicely. I'm interested to know how the two deal with their feelings and the fact that they are two very different species. Love conquers all right? So they say anyway.

Oh, hahaha, it's becouse of Matts thoughts I suppose you thought they must be a couple! They are newly met friends in this story. They are drawn to each other as friends, but Matt fantasizes about how she would look if she'd be a human, and he's definetly charmed by her. She's very beautiful.

I imagine that Trixella, as a Naga, would not easily think like that about a human.

So its a solid story. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes dotted about, but they were excusable.

Thanks!

The Human and Naga alliance is a big one. I'm not saying that Humans and Naga would definately never side with one another but it is very unlikely, especially on a large scale such as this. There is no way that the formation of the alliance was smooth and that the two groups live in complete harmony. It is predator and prey and the two do not mix.

To remedy this, I recommend going into more detail about the formation of the alliance, the early hardships of the two sides trying to co-exist and the mixed relations between the two groups now. In a nutshell, it needs to sound more believable.

About how the alliance can remain peaceful, I've been thinking about that and decided was to be revealed later. I came up with some ideas that I felt had enough writing value to be turned into a part of the story some time.

And about their life togheter, I hope it was hinted in the story that the Nagas seem a bit isolated from the humans. I imagined that most humans don't understand the Nagas temptation to eat humans. Most humans love the Naga and want to think of them as their majestic and powerful protectors and believe they must've became very human-ish and wouldn't even THINK of eating a human, another PERSON.  -_-;    

Most Nagas are reserved with their interactions with humans. I imagine that they easily feels temptation. Most Nagas very rarely or never get to eat humans, one of the ultimate delicacies in the life of a Naga. Many can only remember the taste from before the Alliance. The younger ones of the Nagas, like Trixella, never get to eat humans.

I plan to include more of this in the story later.

And yes, I imagine that theres been quite a bit of accidents and problems.  

The town itself. A seaside town is fine, but I'm wondering when and how the town and its defences were constructed as they are rather large in scale for a town filled with normal people.

Nagas did the heavy lifting work under guidance of the human designers.

Also, a town so close to the ocean is at major risk of aquatic predators, such as Mermaids. Consider also that the Naga live seperately from the town and you can see the danger. A mermaid could pop out of the ocean, swallow a handful of humans and then dive back down again before the Naga or the cannoneers could react.

You could mention this fact and use it to add a bit of tension to the story. The possible threat of Mermaid attack and what the town does to deal with that issue. Maybe a pact? An agreement to leave the town alone could be made between the the Naga and Mermaids. Then the town seems like it is much safer if there are countermeasures against threats.

Hmm, well, I've imagined that the shore line gets deep pretty slow with the distance, so a giant mermaid might be a bit slower than in deeper waters. There's also stuff that shoot underwater, harpoon cannons. The fence goes out to the left and right of the coast and as an okay-ish protective system set up for the opening. But it is however
not adequately protected. The whole town isn't really that safe just by the fence and cannons. The government however have their ways to keep fighting for the survival of the town and avoid attackers. More on that later in the story!

Even with this added, it might not be totally solid as a way of explaning this town but I hope it's not an annoyance to a reader familiar with Felarya.

You might go into this more in future parts but I feel more backstory is needed, especially between our two main characters. All we know about them so far is their names, their race, and they like each other. More information about what things have happened to them in their lives, and how it affects them now makes them much deeper and likeable characters. Things like what each of them did before the alliance was formed and they lived in Victoryana, what they'd like to do and other things along that line.

I totally agree, I hope to slide in more and more bits as the story goes along. Also, the 2nd and 3rd part goes back in time a few days and shows their meeting.

This one is just nitpicking at this stage, but Naga are typically freaking huge. To try to throw fruit in their mouths and miss, is as ludicrous as missing the side of a barn with a bullet. I feel like you could have done more with that moment, by having Trixy make fun of Matt for failing to hit such an easy target and setting up some comedy there for the reader to enjoy.

I like this idea, it's funny! I imagined though that she's far enough away for him to throw badly and miss... maybe 20 meters? Still a crap throw though,,,,

Well there you have it. Just my opinions and criticism but that is what you wanted, so that is what I gave you. Feel free to use my ideas, or to completely ignore them. I wish you all the best with your future parts. ^^

Thanks, I really enjoyed your critique! Before posting the 2nd and 3rd I will read them myself and polish some.
If you don't mind, take a look at those too if you want

Thank you. I like how you handle criticism in a mature fashion despite being new to the Felarya writing scene. I guess I did misinterpret the love side of the story. It was just the kind of vibe it was giving me. ^^'

I can't promise that I'll read your future parts, but if I do I will be sure to comment on them.