Felarya
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

Felarya

Felarya forum
 
HomeSearchLatest imagesRegisterLog in

 

 Mara's Adventures

Go down 
+9
Jætte_Troll
Kai Leingod
sumcoolguy,
MrNobody13
SuperPieGuy9
Karbo
Anime-Junkie
Warrior3000
Archmage_Bael
13 posters
Go to page : 1, 2  Next
AuthorMessage
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 12:23 pm

New Story of Mine. It might turn into an arc, I'll have to see where it goes. Anyway, here's the first part:
_______________________________________

It was late afternoon. It still looked like mid-day though, since there was no hint of the sun setting at all. The trees seemed taller and thicker than ever, and as Bael sat on a branch just outside his girlfriend's house he saw some adventurers walking warily through the bushes, trying to avoid any nearby predators.

In Felarya it seems someone either has a difficult life, or taking it easy. The safe havens and the wilderness contrast so much there is hardly any middle ground. That doesn't mean people in Negav have it easy though. The elf looked up at the bright sky briefly, then down at the lush greenery beneath. The vines tangled through the trees, and the moss covered the rocks and tree trunks.

After a couple months of long hard work at the Mage's Academy and the Guild, there was finally a resting period that allowed him a reprieve. Even though he's risen pretty high in the ranks, being an Archmage is still a stressfull job.

Bael continued to watch them until they passed beyond his line of sight.

As for Mara, she was making her way home from a successful hunt, and had no idea Bael was at her home yet. Currently she had grown herself halfway, to about thirty-five feet tall. She figured in that height, she could quickly grow small or large depending on circumstances. It just so happened, that as she made her way to within a few hundred yards of her home, a small caravan was walking eastward. There was a large round-looking vehicle protrusions on the lower edges, and four wheels underneath. Usually Mara would ignore them, or go and catch a large meal, but this time she did different. Flying out into view of the caravan, she waved a friendly hello.

“Fairy!!” One of them yelled.

Everyone started backing up cautiously. Some of the ones weilding weapons pointed them at her, and stood their ground.

“Don't come any closer! We've k-killed fairies, b-before!!”

Mara just hovered there listening. It was obvious by how nervous they said that last part, that it was most likely untrue. Sighing, she decided to speak, interrupting anyone from the caravan who spoke.

“Hello guys” Mara spoke cheerfully. She tried to act as though she was a normal human buyer. If she were to use that necklace she got from the Sphynx, she'll need to learn how to deal with merchants.

“Who's the merchant? I wanted to...uh...” Mara reached into her pouch and pulled out some skevols that Bael had given her. When visiting their merchant-friend Nadiel, she had used some of the round, grooved coins before. As such, she had quite a few leftover from last visit.

At the sight of the coins though, quite a few of the people couldn't handle the moment, and broke out laughing. Apparently they thought the idea of a fairy buying things from a human caravan instead of eating them to be really funny.

“Y-you w-want to buy s-something?! Oh man, that's just t-too rich!” The merchant stood there laughing as he spoke.

“Well I guess I'll go along with it...what is it you wanted?” The merchant spoke triumphantly. He never wanted to pass up a chance for business and profit, and stood there like a soldier.

“I dunno, I'm looking for something for my boyfriend...maybe something a mage would like. A book maybe...I'm not sure...”

“well...we have a few books, but also action figures, jewlery, post cards, underwear...predator repellants...”

Both Mara and the merchant stared at each other for a few seconds. Mara wanted to know whether or not he actually had underwear, but also didn't care enough to ask.

“um...how about an action figure, and maybe a book on basic clothing enchantments...oh, and also a necklace!” Mara gave them a friendly smile as she spoke.

Surprised that the fairy he was talking actually wanted to buy something, he happily went to the back of his vehicle and retrieved the items she asked for. Meanwhile, the guards kept their weapons aimed at the Mara, who more or less ignored their pressence.

“What kind of action figure do you want?”

“A dridder one, please.”

Retrieving the action figure, the merchant walked back out.

“Here ya go! eighty skevols! Will that be all?”

“Uh...yeah! Thanks a lot.”

“alright, the original price is eighty, but I think i'll give you a discount by ten skevols.”

Mara reached into her pouch and pulled out a few skevols on her fingers. Since she was quite tall, the skevols looked and felt tiny in comparison, but nothing that was too difficult. When she took out the skevols, she layed them on the ground.

“Um...is this right?”

The merchant got closer, and promptly asked the fairy to back up. Mara complied by shrinking and flying about fifty feet away.

“Well, these are two thirties, and this one's a hundred...I don't deal in hundreds...this one's a ten...Here you go.”

“Thanks!!” Mara spoke as she grew to about thirty-five feet again. The merchant put all the skevols and the things she bought into one pile and backed off, along with the guards. The merchant closed up his vehicle as Mara tried putting her skevols back where they belonged, put the items she bought into her pouch, and stood up straight to watch the merchant walk off.

Mara turned to fly home. However, as sudden and unexpected as it was, there barely enough time for the fairy to react; a giant mantoid had lept from out of nowhere. Mara saw it out of the corner of her eye at the last second and stopped flight. She dropped to the ground, put her wings behind her back and rolled over as the mantoid tried to pin her to the ground.

“Bael!!!” Mara screamed desperately, but inside she knew it was all up to her.
“Trying to call for help? I've got you, fairy.” The mantoid raised one of it's bladed feet slowly and grinned.
_________________

I'd like to see what you guys think before posting it on DA. So feel free to give *constructive* criticism.


Last edited by Archmage_Bael on Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:04 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top Go down
Warrior3000
Temple scourge
Temple scourge
Warrior3000


Posts : 646
Join date : 2008-04-27
Age : 28
Location : New Jersey

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 5:12 pm

Archmage_Bael wrote:
"It was late afternoon. It still looked like mid-day though, since there was no hint of the sun setting at all. The trees seemed taller and thicker than ever, and as Bael sat on a branch just outside his girlfriend's house he saw some adventurers stressfully walk through the bushes, trying to avoid any nearby predators. "

An early issue I can point out with this piece is the fact that you used the "word" "Stressfully". It might not even be a word as far as I am aware, and if it is then it sounds awkward even in the given context. Perhaps "Gingerly" or "Cautiously" would have been better choices for wording.


Bael_The_Archmage wrote:
"In Felarya it seems someone is either incredibly stressed out, or taking it easy. The safe havens and the wilderness contrast so much there is hardly any middle ground. That doesn't mean people in Negav have it easy though. The elf looked up at the bright sky briefly, then down at the lush greenery beneath. The vines tangled through the trees, and the moss covered the rocks and tree trunks."

Secondly, you used this particular sentence "In Felarya it seems someone is either incredibly stressed out, or taking it easy". This sentence seems not to be following the past tense established in your first paragraph, and indeed goes against the grain and making it seem as if you are talking to someone instead of telling a story.


Aside from tense and grammatical errors, only thing I could do would be to throw up a stew of my personal biases upon you.

>>Fairy
>>Elven boyfriend
>>Both magical
>>My face; B^(
Back to top Go down
http://w-3-k.deviantart.com/
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 2:14 pm

thanks, I worked on those problems a bit. Still going over it again though, if you find anything lemme know; and please enjoy the story Very Happy
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeMon Jul 12, 2010 10:17 pm

This is the second part, much improved, and the end of it has a bit of involvement with a certain nefarious organization acquainted with lady jade.
_______________________________________________



Mara acted quickly. A long blade of ice erected from the fairy's hands, and along the underbelly of the mantoid. The jagged edges in the ice blade opened a decent cutting wound across the bottom. Mara used that precise moment to push herself out from underneath her weakened opponent, and activate a spell for her wings' durability. Just as she was about to escape though, the mantoid's front claw slammed into the ground, trying to keep itself up.

As Bael ran toward scream, he heard another sharp scream. He cut through the bushes quickly, his adrenaline rushed through his body as he tried to reach his girlfriend.

Mara made an effort to stand up. She tried to float, but it was a little clumsy. Part of her wings had a nasty cut, and she felt a quick surge of pain. Had she not cast the spell, the damage would have been far worse. When she backed up, she took the opportunity to grow from thirty five feet, to a whopping seventy five feet tall. This meant she now stood taller than her enemy.

Bleeding from beneath, the mantoid stared down at Mara, and then quickly leapt forward. From her heightened sense of things, she clumsily stepped out of the way, but received another cut from the scythid appendage on the mantoid's right arm. Upon contact, Mara cast an illusion spell, causing the mantoid to fumble over.

Both enemies glared deeply at each other.

“You are a worthy opponent, fairy.”

“This is getting nowhere” Mara replied.

Both of them knew it. Even if the mantoid won the fight, he'd be too injured to live without getting attacked by something else. Also, the fairy was sure not to eat him anyway, having just hunted herself. Acknowledging the stalemate, the mantoid started to back off a bit.

“We might see each other again someday.” With that, the mantoid backed off, facing Mara, and glanced back to make sure he wouldn't run into someone else.

A few moments passed after the short fight ended. Fights were like that in Felarya, short; it's what makes them so deadly. Although in situations where the winner wouldn't gain much, both enemies will call off the fight. Saving energy for the next day is really important.

Mara's body shrunk down to six feet.

“Mara!!” Bael yelled, catching up to his girlfriend a few minutes later. She was resting against a tree, with several bruises and small cuts, along with a small puncture in her wing.

“Your wing...” Bael put his left arm around her back, then slung her arm over his shoulder as they stood up.

“It was a surprise attack...I happen to let my guard down...”

“Mara, at least your safe.”

She looked at the ground for a moment, then over at the caravan just a few dozen feet ahead. The guards, and the vehicle hand been knocked over, and it looked like they were still trying to regain their footing.

“We should help them Mara.”

He looked at her, then at the knocked over troops as he walked over slowly, making sure to be careful with Mara.

“I can fly...” Mara spoke as she regained her breath. “I'm alright now”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Mara took her arm off bael's back, and then took a deep breath. A second later she was seen hovering a short distance above ground

“Can't go as fast, but I'm still alright. It was only a puncture wound.”

Bael reached the caravan. As he ran, his footseps made little noise. Bael's reached his hand out quickly, pulling up the disoriented humans. The cart was completely turned over, some of the items the merchant was selling lay shattered across the road, there were a few potions, but they too had their contents bleeding against the dirt.

The merchant put his palm to his head and groaned. He looked up and saw Bael standing before him, then looked behind him as everyone recovered, as well as the spilled contents from his caravan.

“You're a mage right? You must help!”

“Yes I'll help, calm down. Once everyone recovers, we'll need to group together. I can take you to a place a short distance from here. We'll have to leave your vehicle and come back for it later.”

The merchant looked at Bael appreciatevely.

“No I understand. It's best if we leave it. Come on, everyone, we're going!”

It was a few minutes before everyone set out. The are was silent once again, and Bael led them eastward through the tall bushes. After a few minutes Bael stopped in front of a tree where Mara was leaning against. Her appearance caused the men to be nervous, and second guess following the mage.

“Wait, I thought you said we'd be safe! There's a fairy right over there!” A guard spoke out. Even though she had kindly bought something from the merchant, the guards didn't trust her at all.

“It'll be fine, she's uh...a special friend of mine.” Bael responded.

“But you're free to leave if you want, I'm only making an offer.”

Grumbling, the men watched as Mara performed an illusion spell to open the way to the inside of her home. They stuck close together upon entering.

“Alright, here you can rest for a bit to recover from the attack. I'll be around for the next day or so, but I have things to do. Once you're healed up, you can leave when you want.”

Nodding, the men walked over to a pile of large pillows and lay down. As they saw it, the inside of the whole tree was completely hollowed out up to a few dozen feet. However, the floor descended a bit beneath the base of the tree, and the walls were slanted outward. The roots gripped the edge of the outside of the dug-out beneath the tree. This allowed the roots to stay intact, and keep the tree from collapsing.

Most of the men relaxed on the large pillows, a few of them were still uneasy about the presence of a fairy, but overall they expressed their gratitude for the effort of helping them to some extent.

“It's no problem. And you can relax a bit, as long as I'm around, she's not going to do anything.”

“You sure?” The Merchant's assistant said. He thought back to the attack. Come to think of it, she never really saved them in the first place, it was the mage that helped them get up. They were just barely out of the way. Thinking about it in this way at least helped him not to strain his brain so much. Even so, it didn't keep him from getting nervous around the fairy. He would accept help from Bael, but not her.

“Be right back, I'm going to get some drinks.”

No one said anything. They didn't even question the logic of a fairy having drinks, or that a mage was getting some in a fairy's house. They were bruised and cut in some locations, and rather tired from all the walking. Most of them would rather relax on the soft pillows in the corner of the room.

When he got back, he set down some bottles for them, containing various juices and ales. The rest of the day advanced fairly quickly, with all of them totally beat. Only the merchant and his assistant were anything more than exhausted.

“We lost everything in that attack...” spoke the assistant.

“It's fine, not everything actually broke, but it'll be safer to get it in the morning.”

The mechant took an ale and leaned back.

“This isn't actually so bad, y'know? I'm glad we're alive. Remember that.” He put his hand on his assistant's shoulders.

“You gotta look on the bright side, don't criticize yourself all the time.”

Bael spoke up, asking for their names.

“Call me Aulton, and my assistant is Irvin”
“It's nice to meet you two, or I should probably say lucky.”

The merchant laughed and took a gulp.

“Yeah! And you'll have to excuse Irvin, he gets a little impulsive, and has a hate of predators more so than most.”

“I wont pry, that'd be rude. I just hope for his well being, and yours, while you work.”

“Thanks.” Aulton spoke. Their conversation went on for a few more minutes before they realized Irvin was already asleep, and huddled on the large pillow.

“Sorry I don't have any extra beds out here. These pillows are pretty nice though, if you need anything let me know.”

The night passed as quick as a blink. Everyone met at the house entrance near mid-day. The guards were all wide awake, and alert. Despite their wounds they were confident and thankful. The odd circumstances in the past twenty four hours seemed not to phase them. Action first and questions later helped the odds of success in a guard's line of duty.

“Where's Irvin?” Aulton spoke, looking around.

Bael came in, hearing barely what the merchant spoke. All the bags have been packed up, even Irvin's things were in the pile near the door.

“I thought he was with you...I don't know where he went either.” Bael responded to the Merchant's indirect question.

“Well we all looked around this place this morning, and we couldn't find him. He's obviously not here anymore.”

“Well we have his things, when we meet him again we'll just give them back then.”

“True. Shall we set out?”

The other's nodded. Bael checked to see if his case of potions was tucked in neatly on the inside of his coat before zipping it up. They looked and checked with each other one last time before heading out. When they opened to door Mara floated into the middle room to see them leave just in time. Eager, she flew up to them asking to come with. She was carrying nothing.

“Well, sure...but I don't know how comfortable the others are around you, Mara.”

Truth be told, the guards were still uneasy. The merchant was nervous but tried to calm himself by convincing himself that she fought the mantoid to save him instead. Bael tried to remain impartial, not wanting to look “too friendly”.

Mara stayed back with Bael. They both stayed behind the group while they walked. The jungle smelled dry, and felt a little on the cold side. They walked through the bushes back to where their vehicle tipped over. Some of the guards picked fruit as they walked along.

When the saw it, there were souveniers, cups, a few weapons, other assortments of goods all sprawled out. The ceramic and glass objects have all been shattered. Some of the swords lay sticking out of the ground, and one was completely bent and separated from it's hilt. The skevols were no where to be seen.

“I can't find the change box.”

A few guards stand on alert while the rest of the company looks briefly through the vehicle. Bael gets on one side, and Aulton and some of the guards get on the other. With heaving and a spell, the vehicle slowly tips back over from it's side to an upright position. A glow from underneath the vehicle lights up, and a blue ring is seen forming solidly around the base of the vehicle, and it lifts up into the air a few inches.

“Well, it's salvagable. I bet some people came by and looted all the money. Interesting that they left all the goods.”

Irvin walked up to one of his friends in Negav. He was wearing the same thing he was yesterday, since he just got back.

“There you are my good friend.”

“This meeting should be short, I'm still working you know.”

“This actually concerns your work. I’ve found someone who probably requires a closer look from both the Intelligence Division and Public Security.”

Irvin's friend looked at him carefully.

“You are out of contract. What you are attempting to do is against the law you know?” He stated.

“Oh come on, when has that ever stopped you lot? Aren’t you are supposed to uphold the security of this city above all else? Any way the target in question is an Archmage.”

“It's a bold move” He spoke quietly. “Such a manoeuvre will remind Negav that we are still a force to be reckoned with; even if he doesn’t turn out to be a threat. What's the individual's name?”

“His name is Bael, my friend. He has long brown hair and-” he stopped right there. He remembered his contact will find enough out about their target soon enough, as the Investigators have files of all potential targets anyway.

“Come with me then” His friend spoke seriously, a glimmer of desire sparked in his eye at the possible chance to rise within the ranks of his organization.

“We'll have to plan this carefully. I want you to tell me everything when we meet my superiors.”
Meanwhile, Bael and company were walking back toward Negav. Before he let the merchant head off he wanted to make sure his supplies were replenished. They approached the neko village, and would soon be seeing the giant city's walls stretched out before him. Mara still floated behind them for a ways. She wanted Bael to finish as soon as possible, because she had some things planned that she wanted to do with him.
_____

Accepting constructive criticism.
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeTue Aug 03, 2010 3:55 pm

Part 3, with some character development. Yay!
any volunteers to help me edit would be highly appreciated!
____________________________________

The sound of water was heard rushing past. As Mara and company neared the river and the bridge that spanned over it, Mara was forced to wait just outside the barrier. The shopkeeper, Aulton nodded back in thanks at Mara's boyfriend before continuing on to the gates of the city.

Bael turned to face Mara, and looked at her hovering form.

“I'll be back in an hour or so. I'm just going to get some things from my place first. So wait for me alright?” Bael finished by poking softly at Mara's nose, which caused her to go cross-eye.

She winced after and put her arms to her side before exclaiming.

“Hey that's my job!”

Mara gave Bael a quick hug, and then watched him walk off. She kept her feet on the ground from when she hugged him, and walked over to a tree root protruding boldly from the ground so she could lean against it.

Meanwhile, Bael walked into a fast-transporter device that would teleport him close to the Mage's district. He walked quickly along the paved ground, between the large crowd of people, eventually making it all the way to the tower where his apartment was located.

There was a clear walkway a few yards before leading to a room with a lift. Going inside, Bael activated the levitation glyphs and he was sent flying up through the floors. Travel itself was fairly slow, but it was faster than going up the stairs. Especially since his apartment was located on the eighty-second floor.

A deep breath traveled through his lungs as he opened the door to his room. He went through the center of his room, and made a line for the study on one of the doors to his right. However, right as he reached the doorway, he started feeling heavier. Clutching his chest, he leaned against the inside of the open doorway.

“Urgh...what the?” Bael brought up a spell from a hand and tried to heal the feeling from him, but it didn't do much.

Figuring it was time for a potion he stumbled slowly across the room clumsily. Whatever was going on was taking effect really quickly. He opened the case of potions on one of his desks, and looked around with heavy lidded eyes.

“Gotcha!” He took the top off, and the cork dropped on the desk, rolling around as he put the bottle to his lips and started to drink. It was an antidote, and is supposed to negate the effects of any poison. Bael didn't know what was going on, but didn't have time to analyze himself. Assuming the worst was his safest decision.

“Must...leave...” He turned his way back toward the exit of the room. He took a couple steps and continued out the door. The potion was barely working, and he felt the pain in his chest start to leave. That's when a black figure seemingly came out of nowhere and jabbed Bael in a pressure point.

Bael fainted.

Meanwhile on the outside of the massive city, Mara continued to wait from a tree branch. She watched down at the ground infront of the large statues from her vantage point to see various people scurry to and fro.

“Where's Bael? It's been at least a couple hours...maybe if I wait a little longer? I should go back and get my necklace!” Mara was nervous. Bael always told her to relax, and just wait for him but she did that this time, and now he's late. Or so she thought. She raced through the jungle back to her home. Felarya was so big though, that even flying at top speed it took a really long time.

Mara got to the door of her large tree house and dropped herself from flight in hopes of freefall being slightly faster. She barged into her home, past the decorations and furniture where Janev usually is, and went up to her room. The door to her room was near the top of the ceiling. The door was clunky, but it worked. She went in, hurried over to the stand where she kept her charms and snatched the jewled necklace.

Mara turned around and flew to the other side of the room to pick up her clothes, and put them over her shoulder. She didn't want to put her clothes on until she got within Negav's range. Especially because there was no slot for her wings, although not wanting to wear clothes in general seemed like a good enough reason in and of itself, but walking through the streets of negav naked would be stupid.

Hurrying back, Mara took the same route back that she took going home, but when she reached the entrance to negav, it was nearly night time. The sun was starting to set, and the flow of people lessened. Mara hoped somewhere in her heart that Bael would be waiting right when she got back, but a sinking feeling stayed in her gut like returning test results.

She wasn't panicking though, at least far from it. Usually the possibility of loosing a loved one would trigger a panic response, but Mara was old enough to have the muscle memory not to do that. She took the necklace in her right hand and put it on her head, fiddling with it until it came down around her face and hung just above her breasts. She tilted her face up as a tingling feeling swept through her body, and caused her to hasten her breath.

Her wings started vanishing, as if traveling into a separated dimension, and her antennae followed suit a second later. She shivered slightly, and took a shirt draped in her left arm to put it over her head. She took a few seconds to finish changing.

“Clothes feel so weird...”

Mara was smart enough to land on the grass and not the branch she originally sat on. She walked down the path nervously, looking around. She could no longer use any fairy magic. Some basic magic might be within her grasp, but since her body was now effectively human, she no longer had the ability to grow or shrink, nor did she have much desire to eat humans or nekos either. It was still there, but severly lessened.

There was the wall. She didn't know what it was called but she remembered reading about it. This wall was for those families of negav and nekomura to place the wishes for their family members who've ventured out into the jungle. It also marked the general boundry of the isolon eye.

“Touching.”

Mara looked at it for a while. Families prayed for their loved ones. Unfortunately for her, she needs the prey she eats. It gives her some additional thought though. What if she made a vow to eat those who only really deserved it? She shook her head. She's been alive for over two hundred years, so merely looking at this wall shouldn't be enough to convince her outright. The wall was a prayer for her prey, it doesn't mean she has to accept it. Just because they're intelligent creatures, doesn't mean the world of felarya will become any less dangerous.

Her heart still sank a bit though. What was it that was causing her to think so much about it? Is it not an idea she is familiar with? Perhaps all those years spent alongside Bael have begun to sink in, perhaps acknowledging his existence and carying about his life, even though he was among the prey she hunted was just enough to sway her feelings towards a more merciful lifestyle.

Mara decided to get a move on. She could spend all day thinking about her morality and life decisions, or she could get her search over with. The quicker she locates Bael the better.

The bridge ahead had two large statues on both sides of the front, standing on what looked like pedestals posing triumphant looks, ones of glory and prestige. They each wore a cape, a helmet, armor, and massive spears with a tower sheild on their left arms.

Mara never really got close enough to get a good look at them. The fairies she lived with years ago never cared enough to carve statues.

After she was done looking, Mara walked on, passing the statues and crossing the large arced bridge that crossed the expanse of the Myriad River, the one acting as Negav's moat. People were coming to and from the metropolis, but mostly to. Guards were at the entrance watching as people passed it. Mara approached it, looking down at the ground. She was going to enter the human's lair, the place that so many predators wished they could use as feeding grounds.

“Hey baby, hold your head up a little”

“Huh?” Mara looked up at the guard, who had by chance just spoke to her.

“This is Negav! You're safe from them now.”

Mara blushed a bit.

“Them?” She replied, knowing full well what he meant, but couldn't help but reply anyway.

“New here? Well that jungle back there has massive monsters like fairies, nagas, and dryads that will eat you alive.”

Mara merely nodded, incredibly embarrased. She passed beyond the gate, and the guard who was waving goodbye to her. Despite his kindness toward her now, if he saw her true form then he would run in fear, or fight until she ate him.

She was walking down main street right now, a wide bricked street that went all the way to the center of Negav. The area she was in now had many shops, bakeries, weapon smiths, bookstores, camping supplies, and streets the snaked further into the city, both west and eastward. Oddly enough, as she walked through the crows of people she felt no hunger. Either she was not hungry, or she was doing a good job at suppressing her sweet tooth. She wanted to believe it was the latter.

Mara put her hand at her pouch, and her hand brushed across it feeling the leather.

“Oh! Yeah, I should probably pick some of those skevols up from Bael's place...”

She put a finger up to her lips as she walked on toward the Mage's District.
Back to top Go down
Anime-Junkie
Loremaster
Anime-Junkie


Posts : 2690
Join date : 2007-12-16
Age : 31
Location : The Country of Kangaroos and Criminal Scum

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeTue Aug 03, 2010 4:37 pm

Archmage_Bael wrote:
Part 3, with some character development. Yay!
any volunteers to help me edit would be highly appreciated.
I'll do it, after I get some sleep...
Back to top Go down
http://www.Excelsior-Emeritus.deviantart.com
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeTue Aug 03, 2010 4:53 pm

Anime-Junkie wrote:
Archmage_Bael wrote:
Part 3, with some character development. Yay!
any volunteers to help me edit would be highly appreciated.
I'll do it, after I get some sleep...

you do too much my good man.
Back to top Go down
Karbo
Evil admin
Evil admin
Karbo


Posts : 3812
Join date : 2007-12-08

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeThu Aug 05, 2010 3:06 am

that's a nice chapter ^^
The situation is interesting and suddenly becoming quite tense fo fear of her being discovered Smile
Back to top Go down
http://karbo.deviantart.com/
SuperPieGuy9
Great warrior
Great warrior
SuperPieGuy9


Posts : 538
Join date : 2009-10-24
Age : 29
Location : IT'S A SECRET TO EVERYBODY!

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeWed Aug 18, 2010 9:12 pm

It's coming along nicely I think. I wonder what happened to Bael... perhaps those merchants ratted on him? Who knows. I just hope he'll be alright.

And it's interesting to note that Mara can just walk in. I thought that Negav was like Mordor, and you couldn't just walk in... that is, if you're a predator. That raises a question.

Anyways, I hope to see more from ya in the future.
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeThu Oct 14, 2010 1:02 pm

Here's my long awaited chapter 4. Any comments would be nice, life is still finding ways to prevent me from writing about Mara. You get to see a rather nice side of her in this part. She's a fairy that cares! Yay for depth of character! ^w^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took her a great distance of walking, but Mara reached a wide open courtyard bustling with activity left and right. A few magi-tech machines resided to her left where people came and went in mass. She turned her attention to the breathtakingly tall northern buildings. It had a straight structure with a rounded roof and overhead bridges connecting them all about mid-way up. Archaic symbols littered the entire superstructure. She knew from Bael's past descriptions that this was where the mages congregate. She believed it would be best to avoid attracting attention; as a fairy, someone would grow skeptical if she acts off, and it would be disastrous if she was discovered this deep into Negav.

Mara calmed down and walked through the doors of the third largest building without leering in every direction. She entered a cute little reception area with a double door posing as a guard to a lift. She didn't shift her gaze to anyone as she traversed the room. The disguised fairy crossed her heart that she could avoid raising suspicion if she didn't look at anyone. A masoned platform with a rune engraved on the floor stood through the portal. It glowed the moment she stepped on, but nothing happened.

“What's going on? How do I activate this...?”

“This device is already activated. Which floor is your destination?” Mara's heart jumped from her chest for a split second; where did that voice come from? Why did it sound artificial?

“Wh-who's speaking?” Mara turned from side to side for the origin of the disembodied voice. Plus, how was she supposed to use this device? The room fell silent.

“Function incomplete. 'Who's speaking' is not a valid floor. Please state destination.”

Mara's head tilted further. She had to speak the floor to go to her destination? But who was talking? Was it a mage watching her in secret? Did the lift itself have a mind of it's own? What was going? Could someone answer her already? Then a Human stepped next to Mara and then turned at the redhead with a friendly smile.

“Floor twenty three.”

“Floor twenty three accepted.” Spoke the mysterious voice.

The lift shot to the sky and only picked up speed as it went. There was even more silence, which Mara spent to assure herself that everything would work out as planned. She would blend in with the humans and other species she considered prey. But still, life in the city was an entirely new world than survival in the jungle. The technology had nothing in common with the simplicity of Fey crafts. Even these long periods of walking were different! It wracked her nerves, but she had to do it for Bael; she must do it. The other person in the lift was undoubtedly a mage. He glanced over at her every so often, which caused her throat to tighten further.

“So how are you m-miss?” Mara giggled; that mage had funny way to speak. “W-what is it?”

A second glance revealed vibrant hair and eyes as well as clear skin, a young man. This caster was probably an assistant or a random low ranker. Mara turned to him again.

“Your face is all red...” Mara smiled; this kind of break was just what she needed. He twitched like he was preparing to saying something obtrusive, or completely embarrassing. He lifted his index and opened his mouth. “-Isn't this your floor?”

Mara's interruption snapped him back to reality. “Y-yes...” His words echoed in a low key.

“Bye~” Mara waved with a cat smile as he stepped off the pad at the speed of molasses. The doors almost clamped shut on him.

Mara was allowed some peace and quiet once more. Her pulse slowed down and her thoughts cleared up. Most people, even mages treated her as a human girl. They probably either didn't want to go through the trouble of apprehending her, or they were genuinely oblivious. Let it be the latter; the least people who knew about her, the better. Mara thought of those human taverns she's heard so much about and her smile faded; it would only become more difficult to act inconspicuously if she ever checked one out.

The gates opened at floor 63 and Mara stepped out of the hovering platform. She couldn't miss how everything was as pristine as a freshly bought ring. The walls were white stone, similar to massive slabs, yet curved to shape a nice hallway. There were no signs of bricks and mortar; the only lines were decorated with engraved runes and garland. Small plants lined up along the corridor as she moved on.

She paused when she came across Bael's room. The door was made of a shiny and pristine furnished wood. The engraved dark texture presented a fairly nice, high-end apartment. She put her hands on the doorknob and turned it slowly. It was not locked.

“Must be home then...” She thought as she entered.

This was the first time she has even seen where Bael lives. It was clean and tidy, save for a couple of objects that had been knocked over. There was a soft carpet in between some couches and a coffee table in the middle. A step led up to what she could only assume was the kitchen in the back. There were three doors: two in the back and one to her right leading to a corridor. The lone door in the back on the far left opened to a study, while the one on the rear right accessed Bael's room.

Mara stepped into Bael's room and examined all four corners. So far it was very neat with a comfy bed and an armchair decorated with Celtic-esque designs. It was curvy, yet simple. His home gave the vibe of an upper class, but without extravagance, a sign clear as the Jewel River that Bael doesn't spend his wealth on anything atrociously expensive, save for his potions and research materials.

“Bael...?” Mara kept her voice soft as she peered around from door to hall and back, “Are you home? Hun?”

Mara backtracked to the main room and toward the study. She knew Bael can disjunction himself from others when absorbed deep in his work. He might just not have heard her. Mara regained her signature smile; she could already see how surprised he will be to see her. Maybe she could take him somewhere to eat? Or they could go around shopping. She could not hold herself anymore. She opened the door and glanced around.

Nothing. He wasn't there. Her heart sank a little; he wasn't home at all. She could always check the mages guild next door. Even so, she should grab some of his money if she was going to explore Negav. She could probably stay at his place as long as she needed; that would make the most sense.

Just then, a click resonated. It was similar to what someone would hear from a door when it latches upon closing, but it was faint. Despite the similarity, it was not the exact same. Why was the door unlocked in the first place? And what was that sound? She put her hand to the closet door in the study and opened it up to reveal the chest. She bent down to open it. The lock was infested with cracks as if someone broke it. When she looked inside, the chest wasn't full as Bael said it always was. A good quarter of his change went missing, although it seemed he still had enough skevols to last guardians know how long.

Mara focused on her surroundings a lot more. Too many questions remained unanswered. Why did the door close like it did? Why was the lock broken? Why wasn't Bael home? Mara's heart accelerated and her protective instincts flooded through her. She needed to get Bael back wherever he was, no matter what.

She slowly turned around, then stood up and closed the closet. She wasn't alone; there was a human nearby. Her fairy senses could feel it. She inspected the room to confirm or deny her skepticism. Mara walked to the threshold between the study and the living room. Her hands traveled down the slick wood door to rest on the cold door knob. The person was probably on the other side and she needed to anticipate the worst.

She flung the door open for an encounter with some kind of thief, who wasn't in front of her. She looked back and forth and saw nobody anywhere in the room. It could be a female, too. Human girls can be quite tasty.

Mara walked across the room as quiet as possible and examined the kitchen. Yet again there was no visible presence. She didn't expect people to hide in the kitchen; there wasn't enough places for cover. She thought about how it could be a game, so she began acting like it was a game of hide and seek. It calmed her down as her curiosity took over. The next best places for her to search would be the hall with the bathroom, Bael's room, and the spare bedroom.

She made her way across the living room, turned down the hallway and checked the bathroom to her left. The door was wide open like somebody used it recently. Whoever was here was either leading her to a false track by recklessly opening doors, or there were others who came to Bael's room before and trashed the place. The Bael she knew was more organized than this. There was nothing aside from a neatly kept sink, toilet, and bath-shower.

She turned around and sighed. He wasn't in the study, the main room, the kitchen, or the bathroom. She was running out of places to search. She peered back and forth down the corridor, still unable to shake the thoughts that someone was here. She just knew it.

She balled her fists, walked over to the back room while ignoring Bael's room entirely. His old armor was kept in a case in here the last time she spoke to him. She opened the door slowly, producing a creak, which stifled the atmosphere even more. She took a deep breath and looked around as she stepped inside. A bed stood just before her and an open closet with a large glass case lied to her left. It was clean and the armor behind it remained untouched. The golden interlocked armor created an inhuman weave that emphasized the elvish design they're known for. While a beauty, it sported nicks and marks on it from past battles.

She was no longer alert and that brief distraction was well rewarded.

“Hey.” A deep voice from behind spoke.

“Bael!!” Mara cried out suddenly as the shock drove her head into the ceiling.

“Woah! I'm not Bael!” The man jumped slightly back at her active response. “…Though I would like to speak to him. Haven't seen him in a week.”

“I haven't seen him in a long time myself…” Mara replied.

The man leaned in slightly and then noticed her features.

“Wait a sec, I think I know you...”

Mara's eyes shot and her stomach constricted itself. She didn't know this person, or at least hasn't seem him in a long time if she's even met him.

“You do...? I don't recognize you.”

“I think so. Red hair, very slender figure, cute nose...or something. At least I believe you're the right person...Mara was it?”

A light tremor ran through her body upon hearing her name come out of this man's lips. She remembered that she hasn’t spoken her name to anyone here in this city yet, and even if he stalked her in the jungle, as unlikely as that sounded, the chance of knowing her name was slim. But he must have some connection to Bael at the very least, otherwise he wouldn’t have mentioned him, or known her name. If she trusted him, it would be a necessary evil at worst.

“Or something…?”

“Sorry, a little shaken up from that encounter of ours.”

“Right, well now that you know my name, what’s yours?”

“My apologies, the name’s Kaian why don’t we go get something to eat? We can talk about it over food.” His voice was oddly rehearsed.

“That sounds…refreshing, I guess, I mean I still wanted to...er…borrow some of his money. I’ll pay him back though don’t worry!” Mara added that last bit with haste as she rose her hands in front of her body with a sweat drop rolling down one side of her head.

Mara turned back and forth quickly between the study and Kaian before grabbing a handful of skevols from the open chest, and then shut it with a loud clasp. She took the key from the keyhole and put it in the same pocket she put the skevols in and hurried back to Kaian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got help from Sean Okotami with the editing. Everyone thank him Razz
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSat Nov 20, 2010 3:44 pm

Mara's Adventures Part 5. Still working on this, it's the full chapter but I probably wont post the story on DA until tomorrow.

On a not so side note Sean Okotami has been brilliantly helpful with editing my grammer and repetitions, as well as helping me with the "show not tell" method of writing. Honestly I've only been writing for about a year now, a little more, and writing is a subject I fail at miserably, so I'm coming along quite nicely.

I'd love to hear comments about what people thing, since no one ever replies to this thread T_T
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The soft, doughy texture, and the flavor of nuts washed all over her tongue. She put her elbows on the cafe table and let a content smile out. Mara swallowed the rest of the doughnut, folded her hands, then turned to Kaian. A sweat drop roll downed the side of his face.

“We have to assume Bael was captured somehow.” Kaian explained.

“I know...it's just...how would anyone manage that? He's not just any mage you know.”

“Indeed, however our only clue leads to a break in.”

Mara let out a deep sigh. She couldn't sit around and talk, even with one of Bael's friends. She had to start looking for him as soon as possible.

“I can get some of my men looking for him. It's a legitimate part of their duty, since he's a missing citizen now, I can make sure the boys understand.”

Mara stared at the cup of water resting on the other side of the glass. This was turning into a mess that she didn't want to deal with. Why did something like this have to happen? She knew she had to remain strong for him, but if he was in trouble, she would come brawling in to his rescue.

“How much do you love him?”

The question pierced through her trance like the aroma of a fresh gourmet meal, though far less pleasant. She looked at Kaian's concerned face.

“I would do anything for him.” Mara responded without thinking; she assumed it was an honest question. Most people are prejudiced against her species for being nothing but man-eaters.

“I apologize if the question sounded rude, it's just that... I've heard Bael speak about you rather fondly, but I've never met you. I only know that he has trusted me with your... secret. I can't help but remain nervous.”

“My secret has nothing to do with it. The fact is I still love him.” Mara raised tone in her voice. She understood where he was coming from though. If it were her species that remained tiny and humans were the predators, she knew she would exercise caution as well. But cooperation was needed more than anything else at the moment.

“I had to ask, it's just I'm human...” Kaian replied slowly “...but I know we have to work together, so I'm willing to trust you.”

He didn't need to hide his hesitation. She was willing to take all the help she could get, so long as they were acquainted with Bael and not some random stranger. Their love is a forbidden love after all.

“It's a forbidden love... .” Mara said out loud while lost her thoughts. Kaian opened his ears and leaned closer. “He's an elf, and I...” Mara reached for her shoulder blades where wings should be.

“You don't love him for the taste, do you?” Kaian said with a softer tone.

“Of course not!”

Kaian stood up and held his hand out. Mara scooted back in her chair, stood up with her water in one hand, and took Kaian's hand with her free one. Her smiled radiated warmth over a dozen feet.

“We'll be an unbeatable team then!” Kaian gave a smile beaming with assurance.

Mara nodded enthusiastically as tenderness overtook her heart.

“Alright, I'll go back to the barracks and tell my men. Why don't you walk around and try to see if you can't find any clues? Once evening starts coming in, lets both make our way back here, 'kay?”

The fairy listened to Kaian lay out the rest of today's plans. She thought about what happened already and figured that it must be mid afternoon. She probably had a couple hours left, so maybe she could ask someone for a tour of the city, or at least where the main points are. She might be able to pull off a “new arrival” to Felarya. With her clothes and the condition she looked, people would believe her, since a portal was situated right behind the great city.

- - -

A scream filled the hallway and two men in black armor walked into into the room on the other end. Bael opened his eyes at the sound of footsteps; he had been out for some time and had no clue of his whereabouts. It was lifeless, surrounded by guards, and with little devices glowing faintly around every corner. He looked down from his suspended position. Bael's arms were spread out and chained up, and could no longer feel the rest of his body. Although unsettling, but it was nothing a good illusion spell would produce.

What was this holding style? No prison he knew of in Negav had a system like that. Maybe he was somewhere beneath the actual city. But he could learn about his location after getting out of here. The chill air slowly broke his nerves and only his breath kept him warm. He watched the cell across; the man inside screamed in unison with the sound of torture. Not only did it send chills down his spine, but it disrupted Bael's concentration. The contraptions in each corner must be some kind of magic suppressors, and since he couldn't feel his body, there was no finding a way out.

Two men walked into his cell with a couple of devices similar to pieces of a helmet. They said nothing to their captive; they gripped his jaw and forced the device over him. It came down to his cheeks and pressed firmly against his forehead. His head then spun. He couldn't shake the sensation off and Bael wasn't knowledgeable in Psionics.

“You will tell us everything.”

“H-huh...?” Bael responded. What were they talking about?

“Wrong answer!” The armored man slapped him across the face, but went out of his way not to hit the broken helmet.

Then another person entered. He wore no armor and Bael swore his gaze could read his thoughts. The man saw a nice bruise on the elf's face and then turned to the armored goon with his arm raised.

“Get back fool," the unarmored man said, "we don't want to cause him any unnecessary harm... .”

He walked up to Bael as a grin crept over his face.

- - -

Mara swallowed the rest of her water as Kaian waved goodbye. He jogged to the to eastern side of the city as she walked back to the main street. Various pubs, restaurants, clothing stores, home products, furniture stores, music shops and more lined the clean pavement. She turned back and forth from each place and observed the crowds around the shops.

An open air courtyard stood dead ahead. Its size didn't compare to the one near the mages guild, but she would find shops around every turn. One of them had numerous strange books. They were thinner than Bael's spell books, and the cover was as floppy as its pages. But this seemed like the best place to gather any sort of news or information. Mara stepped to the stand and caught a glimpse of a colorful poster that advertised the Investigators.

“Join your local Public Security Division to help protect the safety and welfare of the people!”

It didn't specify any names, though the advertisement looked harmless. Mara grabbed a magazine, flipped through its pages while walking around the store. Isles of magazines, post cards, and books lined the small space this store had to offer. A few people meandered up and down the lanes while looking at merchandise.

The shopkeeper in the back watched the redhead coming his way.

“Excuse me?” Mara gathered her courage, “...have you seen... an elf? Long brown hair, tall, elf ears...fancy looking white mage coat?”

The shopkeeper put a hand behind his head. It wasn't an odd question, as Negav is pretty crowded, even when markets weren't busy.

“No... I'm afraid I haven't. He's a mage? Have you tried the mage's buildings? The pubs around here are chatterboxes for rumors and the like. If you're looking for someone like that I suggest those places.”

“I see...thanks... .”

Mara turned and left. There was no use explaining how worried she was or that she doesn't know where he is. She's already been to the mage buildings and Bael would have come back already if his home wouldn't have been broken into.

“This is more serious than I thought... .” Mara thought to herself.

She popped in and out of other stores after asking if they've seen Bael anywhere. Of course, it was not like her descriptions were too specific. It was hard to put someone's look into words, especially since they all looked the same.

Time dragged on for hours, or so it seemed. The lighting slowly turned from white to golden as Mara dragged her feet across the street. The road and buildings radiated heat as she walked through the busy crowds. The shops all said the same thing.

“I'm sorry, we haven't seen anyone like that recently.”

“He's a very special elf, are you sure you haven't seen him?”

“I'm sure he is ma'am, but I don't have any reason to lie to you.”

At first, Mara trembled, and the thoughts of Bael clouded her judgment. But she no longer looked down; each negative answers fueled her perseverance. She then strode down the street and back to the meeting place with Kaian. The awning over the cafe blocked the golden glare of the sun. She sat at a table outside to rest the soles of her feet; even when she wasn't walking, they were about to split in half.

Kaian arrived from the other side of the street. His layered armor gleamed in the sunset. Mara looked up as he took a seat across the redhead.

“I got back as soon as I could. Have you found anything Mara?”

“Nothing... it's the same everywhere... .” She shook her head and then groaned. “How do you walk so effortlessly?”

“Well, we don't have wings you know.” Kaian grinned.

“I know, I had to ask. Anyway, what's the news from your guards?”

“Nothing yet. I told them to start looking at their earliest opportunity, that this person is a valuable asset and a friend to Negav. I then gave them a description of him. If we're lucky maybe we can find him tomorrow.”

Mara nodded in response. People kept getting up and leaving their empty glasses on the tables with a tip for the waitress. Mara and Kaian just stared at the table for a while, as they couldn't come up with words. Night began to settle in and the air turned progressively more frigid. Shopkeepers with night services turned their lights on and the cafe owner in the back began to clean his wares. Mara finally stood up and turned to Kaian, who followed suit.

Kaian turned around as noise of glass shattering rung through the air. The owner sighed and then gathered the pieces.

“Mara? I'll be back in a sec.”

“I-I can pay for myself just fine.”

“Eh? It's fine, honestly. Hold tight.”

Kaian approached the doors and saw the man head for the back. He sighed, opened the double doors and passed through the threashold.

“Hey, what are you doing in my cafe?!”

Kaian grabbed his short sword and ran into the back. Three men plundered through kitchen and broke anything they didn't like. He then mustered up his deepest voice.

“Excuse me, can I help with anything?”

A brown haired thug looked at Kaian then jumped back.

“Jimmy! You told me there was no one in the bloody shop!”

“Bud, I told ya, I'm not responsible for it if someone walks in on their own accord!”

Kaian facepalmed and suppressed the urge to slap one of them.

“Honestly, I don't care who's job was what, just put down the man, and walk out.”

“Or you'll do what?”

At that moment, Mara turned back and saw Kaian arguing with some people. She walked in just to satisfy her curiosity. Kaian held up a hand to block an incoming punch to his jaw. He grabbed his opponent's wrist and pulled down on it, while keeping his knee aligned with the thug's stomach.

Mara snuck around the the other side of the bar to get a good look. It hurt that she couldn't rush in there; they were only a few humans after all. Why couldn't she use her magic with the necklace on?

Kaian threw the thug behind him and bull rushed into the other guard. He didn't let them any time to recover. The brown haired thug drew a sword and charged just as Kaian turned around. The sword came crashing down over his left shoulder and dented his armor. But the bandit's hand reeled back and shook as the vibration rattled his hand. Kaian grunted as he drew his own sword with his uninjured arm. He unsheathed the blade in an arc and cut the thug as he tried to dodge. The cut was shallow, but painful enough to knock him to the ground. He clutched his chest to stop the bleeding.

Kaian tightened his grip on his weapon and pointed it at the second bandit, but then the the third one grabbed the cafe owner, turning his back to the thug's weapon to use as a hostage.

“Don't move! I'll kill him!” He drew a gun and held it against the owner's back, despite his shaky hand.

“Ah! Willie, ya got a gun?! Why the hell didn't you use it to shoot the hero!?”

“Jimmy you got a lot to learn, I could have missed and shot our friend instead!” Willie then grinned at Kaian. “If you attack, I kill him. You don't want that, it will be your fault he's dead you know.”

Kaian's hands tensed and gritted his teeth.

“Bastard...”
Back to top Go down
MrNobody13
Great warrior
Great warrior
MrNobody13


Posts : 479
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 32
Location : Running from something

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSat Nov 20, 2010 9:23 pm

This is an interesting story, and it's well-put together. I'm excited to see what's going to go on from here, and who these people holding Bael are.

I approve of this.
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSun Nov 21, 2010 11:41 am

Thanks, I've worked pretty hard on it. Anyone else have something to say? ^_^
Back to top Go down
sumcoolguy,
Helpless prey
sumcoolguy,


Posts : 24
Join date : 2008-07-19
Age : 32

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSun Nov 21, 2010 3:59 pm

oh no, looks like his heroic antics are going to cost him. Unless Mara can do something about it.
Back to top Go down
Karbo
Evil admin
Evil admin
Karbo


Posts : 3812
Join date : 2007-12-08

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSun Nov 21, 2010 5:43 pm

Nice chapter here Smile
The fight in the end was really tense and I feel something bed coming next.. here is hoping Mara won't try to use her powers ^^;
Back to top Go down
http://karbo.deviantart.com/
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeMon Nov 22, 2010 5:26 pm

thanks! I'm always finding myself brainstorming during work. lol.

anyway, i posted the story on deviantart, since thanksgiving is this week, I'll hopefully have the 6th and 7th parts written up and hopefull posted in a reasonable time frame.

I'm glad people read and reply, I appreciate that very much.

Back to top Go down
Kai Leingod
Veteran knight
Veteran knight
Kai Leingod


Posts : 283
Join date : 2010-11-10
Age : 37
Location : "How dare you! I'm not racist… just English."

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeTue Nov 23, 2010 7:47 am

Cool story I like how it follows a female protagonist.
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeThu Nov 25, 2010 3:50 pm

Thanks, I don't know what the ratio is on male to female protagonists, but I'm trying to develop her character more. I don't know how long this current arc will, but I have a couple more coming still ^^
Back to top Go down
Kai Leingod
Veteran knight
Veteran knight
Kai Leingod


Posts : 283
Join date : 2010-11-10
Age : 37
Location : "How dare you! I'm not racist… just English."

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeThu Nov 25, 2010 4:17 pm

Archmage_Bael wrote:
Thanks, I don't know what the ratio is on male to female protagonists, but I'm trying to develop her character more. I don't know how long this current arc will, but I have a couple more coming still ^^

You dont really want to know. (the numbers are very much against)

on another note that game componies won't make female protagonists because they don't sell as well as ones with male protagonists.

Well best of luck on your story looking forward to the next chapter.


Back to top Go down
Anime-Junkie
Loremaster
Anime-Junkie


Posts : 2690
Join date : 2007-12-16
Age : 31
Location : The Country of Kangaroos and Criminal Scum

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeThu Nov 25, 2010 4:25 pm

Kai Leingod wrote:
Archmage_Bael wrote:
Thanks, I don't know what the ratio is on male to female protagonists, but I'm trying to develop her character more. I don't know how long this current arc will, but I have a couple more coming still ^^

You dont really want to know. (the numbers are very much against)
In Felarya it's not too uncommon.

Kai Leingod wrote:
on another note that game componies won't make female protagonists because they don't sell as well as ones with male protagonists.
Yeah, because they make less of them they sell less of them. -_-
Back to top Go down
http://www.Excelsior-Emeritus.deviantart.com
Jætte_Troll
Friend of the Jotun
Friend of the Jotun
Jætte_Troll


Posts : 2769
Join date : 2009-02-02
Age : 33
Location : Over There

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeThu Nov 25, 2010 9:41 pm

Yeah, this is Felarya - I don't think a lack of female protagonists is a problem at all.

In the manga, Voidfingers and Telekline are the only main male characters, with Alvar and Marken getting minor screentime. Crisis, Lea, Anna, Subeta, Fiona, Lesona, Vivian, Belletia, Anko - all the main cast is female.

Back to top Go down
http://jaettetroll.deviantart.com/
Kai Leingod
Veteran knight
Veteran knight
Kai Leingod


Posts : 283
Join date : 2010-11-10
Age : 37
Location : "How dare you! I'm not racist… just English."

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeFri Nov 26, 2010 1:07 am

I was speaking in broader terms thinking of well a lot more books from a multi-tude of sources sorry I wasn't more specific Smile but hey I'm not saying it's a bad thing just saying is all.

Any hoo whens the next chapter? XD
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSun Dec 05, 2010 3:29 pm

here's the rough draft of part 6 I wrote another story at the same time, im working on them both. any pointers are appreciated, like where I repeat words too much, and where I could put some more descriptions in and so on. Those tend to be my biggest issues.

!~~~~~~~~

Mara stepped foot over foot slowly, feathering her steps as she crouched and wormed her way through the assortment of tables and chairs that made up the inside of the cafe's dining area. She felt her own breath on her hands; it was humid, rapid, and the sounds of the air exiting her mouth made her worry that the bad guys could see her.

Background noises filled the air aggressively. As Mara crept forward She could almost feel the clanking of Kaian's armor, she could feel him growling. In her mind the she knew he was in a forward ready stance, his sword gripped by both hands as the tip was focused on the eyes of the men.

It was not long before Mara reached the other door leading to the kitchen. Cautiously she ventured down a small hallway,and peered around the corner from her crouching position. Her deep scarlet hair brushed across the ground elegantly while she moved. As soon as her vision allowed she could see it! It was just around the corner, the three men and her ally Kaian... blocked by the view of a metal cabinet table!

Mara got anxious, she couldn't help it, the unkown situation caused a unquenchable desire to know what the situation behind the metal and stone kitchen table was.

“Boo!” Screamed Mara at the top of her lungs.

“Ah! Holy -!” They all jumped, including Kaian, though not as much. Quickly the other men swerved around to meet their eyes with the girl. One of the men nearly tripped over his feet from the shock and rapid pivoting.

“A girl? Where did she come-?” Kaian rushed in and grabbed hold of one thug.

“Hey ley off!”

“Huh?” Willie, the man with the hostage turned, shocked to see one of his friends captive.

“Hey! You can't-” he was cut off as well when the cafe owner jammed his foot into the other mans legs, and elbowed him as soon as their grip loosened.

“Ow!” Willie bent over. Mara stood there watching, as they exchanged blows each other.

“Jim, get the broad!”

Jimmy noticed Mara and rushed over, grabbing his giant axe-cleaver, sending Mara retreating around the corner as he brandished his weapon, his burly forearms covered in thick manly hair.

She paid attention to nothing save her own life. Her back pressed against the cold unfeeling wall along the outside door of the hallway. The thug rushed in, checked his corners and continued running. She wasn't sure how or when she put her foot out, but the guy threw himself to the floor upon tripping over her foot.

Quickly Jimmy reached his arms out in a spread to catch whatever he could to break his fall, but failed. It was worth the attempt, as Mara's side was pulled just as he fell causing him to trip over her feet.

“Eek!” Mara tried to dodge him, and her body smacked soundly across a chair as she landed on the thug. He reached his arms up and tried to push her off, but Mara gripped his wrists and tried pushing them back down as she clamped her thighs tightly over his mid section. Jimmy shifted himself, and rolled his body, upsetting the balance to his favor.

Mara wouldn't have any of it, she reached around to slap him across the face before rolling back over again, and tried to stand up alongside the man. Jimmy tried to ram her as he stood up, pinning her back against a table, gripping her wrists with his fists to restrain her. In response Mara put one of her legs around his, and twisted it to shift the balance and upset his foot. As Mara turned to pin him against the table with legs bent with his feet propped against the inside table pillar. His back smacked against the hard surface top as she bent over him.

Meanwhile Kaian was busy fighting the other two in the kitchen. He glanced over as he sent Willie reeling backward to see Mara leaning over Jimmie with her waist against his torso.

“Hey! This is no time for sex!”

Kaian's improperly timed comment made everyone stop for a split second before he went back clashing into the others.

“Huh?” Mara replied, having not paid any attention to Kaian's progress. She backed off him instictually, not wanting him to get the impression she wanted to go to sleep with him. His bent legs couldn't hold his weight properly, and caused him to slip off the table onto the ground as she backed up. Mara turned to grab something from the table top when she felt his cold hands grip her ankle, pulling her down again as he stood up.

Mara found herself hanging upside down. Her shirt was starting to slip down as he raised his foot. Whoops! Without warning she pulled her shirt down, revealing her bra-less front. Her beautiiful breasts hung in front of him. Jimmie didn't know how to respond, and ended up dropping her, his mind filled with the vision of her boobs in his face. That was the last thing he saw for a while, Mara scrambled over her feet and grabbed a chair, smacking it against Jimmie's side. He fell to the ground in a confused daze, and a rather large headache. Mara put her foot on his chest, and raised her arms triumphantly.

“I got him!” Mara yelled to the back as she kneeled back down from her victory pose, and put her knees on his arms. Just in case he wakes up, he wont be able to move with her on him. The cafe owner looked up from his hiding spot to see Mara, who was on top of Jimmie's unconscious body.

With a manner of pure vengence Kaian smashed his current foe into the refridgerator, and then pushed his injured body to the ground. He glanced over his shoulder to see his last foe run from the other kitchen door to Mara's position, and in an instinctual response, Kaian fought to get to Mara first.

“Hey! Don't you come near me!” Mara reared back with the chair in both hands, swinging it around like a war hammer.

“Heh, that wont work on me” The last few words were strained as he fought and spoke at the same time, catching the chair and jumping in to grab her in a hug. He grabbed her in a bear hug from behind and sniffed her silky crimson hair.

“You smell...exquisite...”

“Dammit, let her go!”

“No! You wake Jimmie up, and let us take the cafe owner and our loot, or we'll kill your precious girlfriend.

“She's not-” was a phrase he couldn't finish, not his girlfriend? Would that even work? They could just kill her anyway if they thought he didn't care. That's the only reason why they're still holding her.

“You give me that, and you can...wait...you can keep him and his things, in exchange by letting me take the broad!”

“What?? I could never...”

“Choose! Or I pick. You don't want me to pick.”

- - -

The chamber was still dark and cramped. The eerie glow of the lights were amplified by the dark menacing clothes the interrogators wore. Light hit their synthetic garments and bounced off in dark trippy colors.

The tall man in the back sighed in disappointment. His attempt to divulge information failed, failed where it usually doesn't. Archmagi were all they were chalked up to be, tough mentally and physically. Trained in a way to resist trying moments, to prevent them from loosing their minds. Psychological interrogations like this is difficult for both; the elf has to stay focused and determined, while the enemy has to keep trying different techniques in an attempt to get him admitting what they wanted so they don't kill him.

Their information was right, they just knew it. The mage has been committing treason by cooperating with a predator, and no one was going to tell them otherwise. Besides, their information was never wrong. It doesn't matter right now though, the truth will speak out eventually, and as long as they tried to do what's right they wont lose.

“C'mon boys, this is it for tonight...” The big guy in the back spoke once again, shutting off the dark trippy lights.

“Boss, I can't leave a job unfinished, and this guy just wont talk!”

“We'll have plenty of time, you'll get your chance soon enough.”

Neither of them said any more. The taller man from before opens the locked door, and walks outside into the large dim hallway to wait for the other members inside to follow him out. Each of them in turn glances away and turns about face to leave quietly after a heavy sigh.

Their footsteps clapped over the dark tile floor, most of the lights were shutting off as the prisoners were put back in their cages and their torture sessions ended. The punishment squad walked down the hallway and around the corner as they mindlessly kept the screams out of their head.

“So we need something to make him talk.”

“Duh.”

“No I mean have we got anything?”

The taller, armorless man spoke, his gazed still pierced his subordinates even though there wasn't any interrogation going on.

“I have some other people on it, they're looking for any good friends of his to deal with, we should have leverage soon.”

Before they knew it the men split off. His subordinates went back to the barracks, and he went to report to his superior. The hallway went from a drastic change from dark and depressing tile and stone, to a spartan-style decoration as he entered the general staff area, and then to a decorative office quarter upon the arrival to his superior's office.

Unlike the recruits, the officer did not wear armor, and the office was decorated to maintain the illusion of frienliness in the nice leather couches, a corner desk, pictures on the walls, and a cooler for drinks to top it all off. Most officers dont go out on such a bit limb, but his superior was a bit eccentric. Even though they all work under the same person in the long run, and the individual decisions of each of the officers are still up to them. Although that doesn't account for the general rules in place.

“Sir, what's the update? If I'm going to successfully get him to talk I'll need to know everything.”

“I know you will, I trust your skills. We have information that Bael is friends with a guard, and a high ranking officer at that. We will have to trap him somehow, get him to come here so we can eliminate the chance he'll find out get to us first. No doubt he's worried about his friend.”

“Do you know his name?”

“We've done some research, his name is Kaian. Here's what we've gathered so far.” The tall man's superior spoke again, handing over a manilla folder with Kaian's picture and all data available.

“I can easily use this against Bael, maybe he will talk now.”

- - -

A laugh filled the air in the locked cafe. Mara was struggling desperately against the efforts of her captor. He had her hands bound behind her back as he walked her down the dark streets with his mate, Jimmie, who was using a walking stick.

“I have. The worst. Headache ever.”

“It's not long. I cant wait to get back, we're gonna have fun tonight. I hope the other three of our group managed to get something as well. Too bad one of us died...damn guard, we'll get him for that.”

Kaian dragged one foot past the other through the streets silently, peering straight ahead through the towering buildings on either side. His head hung low, but his eyes met the horizon, he cant loose her now, for everything depended up on his actions. He knew Mara could and will look after herself.

Mara was pushed through a door, followed by Willie, the person who 'captured' her.

“Ow...gotta...lie down...” Jimmie walked through the door after, clumsily making his way over to a patched up couch, ridden with blankets and pillows. Their hideout might not look very rich, but it was very homey and comfortable. There were always places for people to sleep.

“You. You go to the back rooms.”

Mara grinned. If she was to go somewhere, the back rooms where less people see her would be best. She could plan a way to escape and divulge possible information from them.

“I was gonna get to that eventually.” From the stairs on the right most side of the living room footsteps were heard as they landed on each stair. The three people Willie mentioned earlier were all looking tired.

“Hey, you guys mind helping me get this woman into a room in the back?”

At that line the other three shifted their heads with alertness, their eyes meeting her chest. They don't get women at all too often.

“Heh, why not just have her sleep with us?”

“Don't be a retard, come and help.”

Mara pretended to look scared, her eyes widening, and trying to resist as they pushed her down the hallway. The floor was covered in rugs, and there were various weapons standing on end against the walls, with a homey white color to the walls.

The “prison” a large storage room with a bed, the crates were locked, and the supplies were gated off by large metal bars. The two thugs restrained her long enough to put chains on her wrists and connect them to the bed post to prevent her from leaving. One of the men put his chest against her belly and slid up and over her, making a false effort to connect the chains with the bed posts and her wrists.
Mara looked at her captors, both of whom had a wild look in their eyes, as if seeing her captured has awakened them, attracted them so much that it overrode their exhaustion.

One of the men stuck his tongue out, and licked his lips slowly as he peered at her body.

“Lets do it now...”

Mara backed up agains the wall, holding her hands up against her chest. The chains dropped down her front, and trailed all the way around back to the bed posts, she could feel there was slack on them, letting her go a certain distance, but not very much. It would probably hold her off once she got to the doors.

She focused her attention back on the two men. One of them had multiple bruises on his face, and the other just had a few cuts. They both looked ragged and disgusting, and their lust instinctually caused her to back up against the wall trembling quietly. This was completely different than what she wanted, and hoped no matter what that this will lead her back to her lover.

Mara's mouth hung open slightly, her full lips were a little chapped parting beautifully as licked them.

“hm...she doesn't look quite ready yet. Lets wait 'till the morning?”

“yeah, savor the pleasure until then...”

They both turned back to Mara and grinned. She could see each little detail of their pitted faces, the scars from acne, the unorganized facial hair, and they were going to have their way with her in the morning. She needed to find a way out.

Wait, why did Kaian leave her with them in the first place? What was the reason again?

~~~~~~~~

edit: thanks to Sean Okotami for finding the "Kaian grabbed a hold of one Jimmy". I changed it, things should be a lot less confusing.

-also ignore the difference in the spelling of Jimmy/Jimmie it's the same person, the third thug should be un named. I'll go back over it and correct it when im not hurrying to get ready for a doctor's appointment.


Last edited by Archmage_Bael on Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Kai Leingod
Veteran knight
Veteran knight
Kai Leingod


Posts : 283
Join date : 2010-11-10
Age : 37
Location : "How dare you! I'm not racist… just English."

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSun Dec 05, 2010 4:16 pm

I have been looking foraward to this. I know it's probably a lot of cheek for me to say but I did see a couple spelling mistakes only 2 mind. Heaven forbid if you ask where I saw them I have now forgotten XD

Other than that didn't ruin the experience really well written. Like the characters a lot especially Mara for some reason. I don't know why.

Look forward to that other storie mentioned as well as the next chapter to this.
Back to top Go down
Archmage_Bael
Mara's snack
Archmage_Bael


Posts : 4158
Join date : 2009-05-05
Age : 36
Location : Shatterock Caldera

Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitimeSun Dec 05, 2010 5:23 pm

thanks, I'm sure I'll be able to catch it, or at least other people will Razz

if you like mara then that means i'm doing my job well. ^^

honestly though im not used to character creation or development, mara is my first one and im trying hard with her.

I'm hoping to have some decisions she'll be forced to make in the future that will really develop her further into a lovable person. I have a few ideas, but before I post part 7, I want to put part 6 on DA XD
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content





Mara's Adventures Empty
PostSubject: Re: Mara's Adventures   Mara's Adventures Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
 
Mara's Adventures
Back to top 
Page 1 of 2Go to page : 1, 2  Next
 Similar topics
-
» Felarya adventures
» Adventures of Amy and Ruby
» Felaryan Adventures
» Adventures with Boris
» Adventures in Felarya

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Felarya :: General forums :: Stories discussion-
Jump to: