Funny quotes

post funny qoutes here.heres some from Blue Collar Comedy Tour:

Bill Engvall: My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things...but stay out of the bacon market! They says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!"

Bill Engvall: I cant eat sausage anymore not for any health reasons just cause I saw commercial that scared me to death, watching T.V one night this commercial come on, this is what the announcer said word for word "the eggs are from real chickens, the milk is from real cows, the sausage is from Jimmy Dean" really???? you think some body woulda caught that.

Ron White: I'm getting dieting tips from skinny people. My mother weighs 80 pounds. Her advice: "Drink a lot of water, you'll be less hungry." You know what happens when you drink a lot of water? You're less thirsty! Just as I suspected would be the case!

Jeff Foxworthy: Redneck Fashion Tip #7...and this goes for the younger people in the audience. If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no gangster - pull your pants up!

Jeff Foxworthy: Wisdom: my brother had two kidney stones, but he wisdom both out. (Redneck Dictionary)

Larry the Cable Guy: I was baggin' my own groceries at the store the other day, 'cause it was so busy, and this old lady walked up to me an' said, "I think it's wonderful they hire people like you." I was like 'What in the world?' So I look at her and say (in retarded voice) 'Thank you!' Then I peed myself an' ran her over with a shoppin' cart! (mimes pushing a cart back and forth and says "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!")

Larry the Cable Guy: Do me a favor if you ever go to the Home Depot, tell them idiots in the plumbing department to mark it better that them toilets is for display purposes only.

mc chris is extremely funny, in his songs and his skits. This is his first skit on his newest album. God it cracks me up. XD Such great dialogue.

- Mr. Chandler, MC Chris is here to see you.
- Brrr, send him in!
- Hey! Mr. Chandler, what's happening man?
- Heeeey kid...
- How you doing? I haven't seen you in like forever man.
- Yeah yeah...
- What's happening? What you call me here for man?
- Come over here, take a pew, sit down, lets talk some business.
- Shiiit man, and you look great! I haven't seen you in like forever man, you like lost weight.
- Thanks.
- You, did you get lasex surgery?
- Lasex surgery? No! I got 20-20 vision. Are you drunk?
- Yes, I am drunk. Aaaand I'm proud of it, there was a show last night and it was off the hizzle for bliggle. And we did some cocaine and some methamphetamines, by seven o'clock in the morning I was riding a whole team of horses on the ocean, the skin of the water man.
- What? What's the matter with you?
- What?
- You spending money we don't have man! You gotta remember my fortune's tied to yours! My kids are eating out of dumpsters. Look at this! Look at this thin sliver of a desk I have. They repossessed 80% of my desk! And you know how much I like hotdogs! There's no room for hotdogs on my desk anymore! You see that? What's wrong with you? You gotta start making mooneeey!
- I'm sorry! I'm trying the best I possibly can! I'm just one man! Have you heard the new songs man? You heard the skits?
- Yeah, but the songs stinks! And the skits are costing too much cheddar maaan!
- We, we need those skits they break up the monotony of the music and people are comfortable...
- I don't get the whole skit thing, frankly they're not funny. They're NOT funny.
- It's funny aaaand people love 'em.
- It's just references. Who's getting these refrences?
- A lot of people are! Everybody gets when you hear something you've heard before that's comedyyyy!
- No, that's not comedy. The songs you're writing now are garbage. Everybody hates them.
- What are you talking about? They're hilarious!
- You gotta get back to your roots. What was that song everybody liked?
- Hijack?
- Uhah! No! The song, that everybody liked. It was popular. People quoted it.
- Tussin.
- Tussin?! No! What the hell is Tussin? It was the song about the guy from Star Wars in his car...
- Fett's Vette, Fett's Vette.
- No, it was the bounty hunter from Star Wars in his...
- Yeah, it's Fett's Vette Mr. Chandler!
- No, it was that guy, he was a bounty hunter, he was in Star Wars...
- Mr. Chandler! It's Fett's Vette! Listen to me! Look at me! Look at me in the eye! It's Fett's Vette!
- What was it?
- Fett's Vette!
- Yeah, Fett's Vette, that's it. You gotta write more songs like Fett's Vette. Come on, there were like twelve bounty hunters on that super star destroyer.
- Ahhh! Come on Mr. Chandler it's played out! You can't ask me to do this!
- It's not played out, what am I telling you here? You gotta write more songs about bounty hunters from Star Wars, in vehicles. Like. I can't believe I'm coming up with this for ya. Uh uh, Zuckuss' Prius or uuuhh, IG-88's '57 Chevy.
- Awwhh Mr. Chandler!
- Dengar's Dump Truck!
- No!
- They are great ideas, listen. If you put Bossk on a Segway, you gonna sell records! Now let me cleverly use that to Segwey to my next point to you, which is that you gotta get out on the red carpet!
- I get out on the red carpet all the time! Me... I ate my girls last night! Yum!
- No! I'm not talking about giving cunnilingus while a woman is menstruating. I'm talking about getting out there, shaking people's hands. I'm talking about getting the name out there! Get into some car accidents with Lindsey Lohan!
- I can't into a car accident they won't let me drive a car because I have a pegleg.
- Keep fighting me, see where it gets ya. Get out there! Get to the YouTube awards! Get to the internet Emmys!
- They have those?
- I don't know if they have those! Get on the internet, find out! And if they exist, go to them! You gotta get out and impress the flesh!
- Ah!

- Mr Chandler, those two assassins you hired to kill MC Chris one hte red carpet so as to commence his icon status and increase record sales are on line two.

- Oooh... Busted... Uhhh... I gotta take this call.
- Uuuh OK Mr. Chandler, I guess I'll just head on out!
- Hey kid!
- Yeah, Mr. Chandler?
- Get the fuck out of my office!
- Uuhh ok Mr. Chandler.

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." ~ Jack Handy

"In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock ..." ~ Harry Lime

"I used to watch anime because of the story, character development, and somewhat mature/intelligent dialogue. Now we see lolbots attacking roflmech, or toddlers to tweens depicted as sexual objects. Oh lets not forget our anime ninjas with senseless magic and swords, but they are also high school students (sh..... don't tell their friends, its a secret they are hiding). It is easy to say "Oh, but this is a cinematically creative and intelligent title", yet the overflow/saturation of ZOINKS just buries it. I have no clue how a certain yellow hair banded schoolgirl has become so popular, or that orange sweatpants wearing ninja boy. I'm sick of anime. It really disgusts me these days." ~~ Some guy that's angry at the state of Anime.

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know. What if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got sucker! This thing is useful. I think I'll go pick something up'." -Mitch Hedberg

Woman in audience: I love you Larry! Larry: I told you to wait in the truck.

Ron White: (Laughing) I believe...that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and then find someone whose life has given them vodka...and have a party.

Larry: I believe...that guns don't kill people; husbands that come home from work early do.

Bill Engvall: I believe...that the way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach...it's a little further south.

Jeff Foxworthy: I believe...that if you can't say something nice about somebody, you must be talkin' about Hillary Clinton.

Larry: I believe...that the cripple stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools.

Ron White: I believe I'll have a scotch. Oh wait, I already have one. Never mind, go ahead.

Bill Engvall: (Dorky-sounding voice) I'm a dorkfish! He caught me on a corn dog! I swear to God! I was swimming underneath the ocean and went (slightly higher voice) what's a corn dog doing underneath the ocean? (back in dorky voice) But you know I love them corn dogs!

Bill Engvall: I believe...that if you wank to wear a thong, you must go through an application process.

Googlememan wrote:

Bill Engvall: I believe...that if you wank to wear a thong, you must go through an application process.

Great typo or greatest typo?

"Act like a dumbshit, and they'll treat you like an equal."-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

Brought to you by The Church of the Subgenius, Eternal Salvation or Triple Your Money Back. I plan to send my $30 one day...is it a cult? Maybe, but with cool rock concerts; comedy shows/sermons; and a wacky sense of humor, sounds like I get a lot for $30.

Really though, it's closer to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster; only it's been around since 1981, and they go all out with the whole "making fun of religion" by acting like one themselves-and never once believing a word of it. The most honest religion in the world is one that admits it's bullshit; that's The Church of the Subgenius. And they have no limits to hiliarious quotes.

Chris Rock

Date of Birth:
February 7, 1966




A man is only as faithful as his options.


A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.


Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.


Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.


Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.


Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.


Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.


George Bush hates midgets.


Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.


I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.


I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.


I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.


If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.


School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.


Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.


Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

"Murphy's Law simply states that everything that can go
wrong will go wrong. Mr. Murphy is the other identity by
which this law is identified. Basically, Murphy is what
happens when you take a chance with a unit and he ends up
getting criticaled twice and dying. Murphy is what happens
when you choose to attack with the 80% hit weapon instead
of the 95% weapon and you miss twice, and then on the next
turn the enemy kills you with a crit even though he had a 1%
chance of pulling off that crit. In hard mode, you'll come
to know and hate Mr. Murphy."

wow my thread is coming popular.....cool!!!!

If you must tell Ron White jokes:

"So we're sitting on the plane and the guy next to me is losing his mind, he must have had a lot to live for. He says: hey, hey man, if one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us? So I say: all the way to the scene of the crash, which is convenient because that's right where we're headed. Bet we beat the paramedics there by half an hour."

"My friend is a vegetarian and not because of the health benefits. He's always whining about cow flatulence destroying the ozone and the clearing of the forests for land to raise cattle. He asks me: what are you doing to solve the problem? And I say: I eat the cows.... but I'm only one man.

"Turn to the dark side and join me."

"I'll never join you! You killed my father!"

"No, Luke. I am your father!"

"That's not true! That's impossible!"

"And Princess Leia is your sister."

"That's not true! That's... improbable."

"And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks."

"That's...very unlikely."

"And as a child, I built C-3PO."

"Huh?"

"And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called midi-chlorians."

"Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'm out."

Lord Khorak wrote:

Were I Prime Minister:

*sets up to podium. Hushed silence. Fiddles for some time with pieces of paper until they are all perfectly straight. Places them on podium, reads them for a little while. Leans up to microphone with look of fairly intense concentration*

"Fuck you."

*picks up papers, walks calmly off, exit right*

*comes back on a few seconds later and leans to microphone again*

"Prick."

*walks calmly off again*

Lord Khorak on Obesity:

Quote :

It's ok because everytime we say it isn't the bastards do a sit down protest and we can't fucking move them.

Xort on repairing a damaged penis.

Slacker wrote:

"Seriously...they've actually run the numbers on this, and the Nigerian "Fill in the product here" scam is something like Nigeria's eighth largest source of income."

"I merely stated, in a non-offensive, and appropriate manner that I liked the idea, and in response I get called a moron, an idiot, a racist, and WORST of all, a faggot. This is dispicable.

Technically, all you were called was an idiot, a racist, and an ass-kisser"--quid and Howedar

Captain Hat wrote:

"...And to sum up Your Honour, I believe that this man is a THREAT to SOCIETY and a TRAITOROUS HEATHEN SCUM who must be PURGED with CLEANSING FLAME! PURGE HIM WITH FLAMES! DESTROY THE HERETIC!"

"Aaah, sir... All he did was steal a magazine."

"PURGE HIM! WITH PURIFYING FLAAAAMES!"

Unknown wrote:

Sideways Vision wrote:

Somewhere in the far future, someone is asking himself, "What the hell are we going to do with all these Chimeras now?"

Stuff orgyns in them and watch the hilarity ensue as clasutrophobia takes hold?

This is my favorite Chris Rock bit ever:

"We don't need gun control. What we need is bullet control. I think bullets should cost $5,000 each. You know why: because you will have no more innocent bystanders. 'Shit, that dude musta done SOMETHING: that guy just put $50,000 in his head!" People would think if bullets cost $5,000. It would be like "I would blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get another job, I'm gonna save some money, and then you a dead man! You better pray I can't get any bullets on layaway!"

"The Enemy of all that is good and binary in our digital world...that which turns good into evil, white into black, light into dark, and Chaozu into Broli. It is said that when you remain logged into 4chan for more than 24 hours, your brain beings to change...mutate. All things sane and logical in ones mind are replaced by images of hookers beating children with their own decapitated limbs, or Darth Vader standing in the dead sea pouring the seawater into a Brita filter and then into a water bottle. Most people are intelligent enough to stay away from this place, or too stupid to even hear about it, but if you go there, things change. Godzilla has an account on 4chan."

Daimo wrote:

"The Enemy of all that is good and binary in our digital world...that which turns good into evil, white into black, light into dark, and Chaozu into Broli. It is said that when you remain logged into 4chan for more than 24 hours, your brain beings to change...mutate. All things sane and logical in ones mind are replaced by images of hookers beating children with their own decapitated limbs, or Darth Vader standing in the dead sea pouring the seawater into a Brita filter and then into a water bottle. Most people are intelligent enough to stay away from this place, or too stupid to even hear about it, but if you go there, things change. Godzilla has an account on 4chan."

4chan dosent have accounts therefore you cant be loged in making what was said a moot(no pun intended) point
also 4chan gold account dosent exist(yet)




and one more thing...are you trying to piss some anons off and get this place shitfloaded

Quote :

4chan dosent have accounts therefore you cant be loged in making what was said a moot(no pun intended) point
also 4chan gold account dosent exist(yet)




and one more thing...are you trying to piss some anons off and get this place shitfloaded

Sorry, I found that quote. So I didn't know.

"Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!" - Robo Santa.

Stewie Griffin: "I-I made a fake radio show-e-everybody I know d-does itSHUTUP!"

This one always made me laugh, the famous Donald Rumsfeld 'Unknown unknowns' speech.
Just wtf was in his coffee that day?

Quote :

Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are "known knowns"; there are things we know we know. We also know there are "known unknowns"; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also "unknown unknowns" — the ones we don't yet know that we don't yet know them.

Ewin wrote:

This one always made me laugh, the famous Donald Rumsfeld 'Unknown unknowns' speech.
Just wtf was in his coffee that day?

The sad thing is that the idea he is trying to convey makes sense, but his word choice leaves much to be desired.

"Power glows. The more power, the more glow. So, anything that glows is automatically presumed to be superior to otherwise identical things that don't glow, and more glow is better. This is closely related to the Rule Of Cool because glowing is cool, so things that glow automatically get more Willing Suspension Of Disbelief, allowing them to be more unrealistically powerful. They're often Colour Coded For Your Convenience, too. For example, evil glows bright red, good glows blue or gold, and radioactive materials glow green."

Dad Turner: Why don't I get to go to the nice clink?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom Turner: Timmy, you know you're not supposed to make your father scream like a girl three times in one day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mom Turner and Dad Turner are in a tank]
Mom Turner: Wasn't that the Dinkleburgs' car?
Dad Turner: I hope so, that's what I was aiming for.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the holiday mascots are talking about what they do]
Cupid: Well, I make kids fall in love.
Kids: EW.
Cupid: Point taken.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanda: Two wrongs don't make a right.
Cosmo: But three rights make a left, and now it's time for the show!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo: Not Vicky.
Wanda: Icky with a V.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanda: You made your dad cry.
Cosmo: Yeah. Usually it takes a monkey or a bowl of pudding to do that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy Turner: Hey guys, what's new?
[Cosmo lights candles under water]
Wanda: The laws of physics.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Trying to satisfy Jorgen Van Strangle with a slide show]
Cosmo: ...And this is us cowering in fear 2 minutes ago, and this is us cowering in fear 1 minute ago, and this is us cowering in fear 30 seconds...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after being turned into a turtle and found by a hungry boy]
Wandisimo: No. I am too sexy to eat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad: Egad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy Turner: This is great! A world without girls. I can do whatever I want!
Timmy Turner: [farts] I'm free!
Cosmo: [Cosmo sniffs the air] Wow, freedom stinks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy Turner: Dogs have great sense of smell, they can see in black and white, and they can go to the bathroom any where they want.
Cosmo: So can I, I'm just polite.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo: I married the smart one.
Wanda: I married the... well he's cute, right?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo: If Wanda sees this, she's gonna think I'm an idiot.
Timmy Turner: And this would be news to her *how*?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy Turner: Boring conversation. Can't focus.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Timmy throws a water balloon at Francis, which misses him and ends up hitting someone in France]
The French: We surrender!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wandisimo: Can it be? Wanda the love of my life who I lost to Cosmo who I lost when he married you so you'd stay lost to me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo: [because Wanda is dressed as a pancreas]
[grinning]
Cosmo: You can be removed?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanda: Uh-oh... my "Cosmo is going to make Timmy dead" sense is tingling.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chester's Dad: [crying] Without that tooth, you look just like your momma.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Norm the Genie: [about Canada]
[darkly]
Norm the Genie: They've had it too good for too long.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[repeated line]
Denzel Crocker: [shouts] Fairly godparents!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Waxelplax: [after Timmy has won the election and the kids have come back from getting food poisoning from cake] So, Timmy, what do you say to having all the responsibilities of president?
Timmy Turner: Piece of cake!
[all kids get sick and their faces turn green]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom Turner: Timmy, you know how your dad gets around people who are on money.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo: That's what got me on probation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trixie Tang: You're 0.01% more of a person in my eyes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo: Now will you hold me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad Turner: Timmy... I'm respecting your privacy by knocking, but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanda: He thinks everything is funny. Watch.
[turns to Cosmo]
Wanda: Pudding.
Cosmo: HAHAHAHA. She said pud and then she said ding.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy Turner: May I *please* have my ball back?
Dr. Bender: What's the word I'm looking for? Uh... NO! HAHAHA

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mayor: I hate not being the goat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Waxelplax: CROCKER!