My naga Jezebel

*NOTE THIS IS BASICALLY A PROTOTYPE BIO PLEASE CRITICIZE AND BURN NEED HELP WITH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT*
Also no she won't have ant neon in the end just wanted to be somewhat silly *looks at beeatboxxing and cybergoth* yes I went overboard but none the less please critique!


Name Jezebel


Race:Sea Krait Naga

Height: (Head to ground) 98ft (head to tail) 263ft

Age: Most Likely around 200 hundred but thanks to felarya's soil looks the age of nineteen.

Hair Color: Neon Green (Long story short a wizards dying spell before being digested was that she would lose her hunting capabilities at night as her scales, mouth, insides and hair would glow and all would know of her presence.) Used to be a steel grey.

Eye Color: A rich shade of gold. Sharp and piercing.

Scale color: Can you guess it? NEON GREEN! Used to be a sky blue. Her striped tail and fin though turned a pitch black color and prey staring at it often think they are falling into a vast space of nothingness.
Mouth and insides are also neon green.

Magical Specialty: Water Based magic

Non-Magical Specialty: Singing and Beat boxing ( >.> something she picked up from a very odd but none the less delicious prey.) Uses it mostly to mimic other animals and creatures to lure prey in.

Predation: (Um not sure what to label this as but best way would be.) Stalker and teaser. Follows for awhile wekks if need be then before eating can you guess it? She plays various games.

Prefers: Anything that tastes or smells remotely good. Though she has a soft spot for mermaids and has only eaten one or two and that was by request of the mermaid. Jezebel prefers Mermaids to be friends not food.

Personality:Laid back lives with motto *Why not relax today. I mean when the chances are that you may be eaten tomorrow. So can't I just sit back and take a nap?" Though during a hunt it changes as she has the what I like to call the drive. Nothing will stop her from capturing her prey. She won't sleep until her food is nestled between her stomach walls all nice and cozy. When's she not hungry she loves having conversations with anyone. She especially has an affinity for something humans call Cyber-goth. She simply loves the clothing and often tries to make clothing similar to those like it but sadly utterly fails. Though some of her human prey in exchange for not being eaten fashion her some threads to wear.

How to befriend: An offering of food is always nice. Loves little trinkets. Strike up a conversation if you catch her interest for long enough you might not be on the menu for later. Sing to her loves to fall asleep to singing and Finally if you can help her with her beat boxing and she dosen't get to frustrated in learning you will always be welcomed.

Mostly seen at: The Topazial Sea, Shillapo islands and Chioita city.

History: Jezebel Was an abandoned egg left alone on a Costal Cave. She left the cave early as a hatchling and there became enchanted by mermaids. A young Labrydine no older than she was the first she had befriended. Soon more Labrydines befriended Jezebel and the Labrydines talked to their larger counter parts explaining the situation of Jezebel and asked if she could remain off limits for eating. They agreed as Sea Krait nagas were tricky to eat due to the poison they contained in their body. As she grew to immense around sixty five feet (she looked about twelve) she had decided to visit Chiotia where she made the mistake of eating a wizard as her first human prey. It was an easy mean as she blended using the night as camo and quickly gulped down the wizard. This was the same wizard which cast the spell turning her hair and scales neon green. She returned to her cave crying as she could no be a good predator. The mermaids on the other hand were enchanted by the hair offering to clean her scales for a simply lock which they could use as thread for their bracelets and what not. She stopped crying and learned to appreciate her hair even if it made her woozy from time to time. The rest of her day up until now included a routine of sleeping, singing, and eating. She simply loved to be lazy and float in the water for endless hours at a time. Her beat boxing affinity and cyber goth affinity came much later and if you want to know the story merely ask her.[b]

Two things.

First off, welcome to the forum!

Now for the REAL two things. The first is that age of hers, 19 is still in the category of "aging physically" which stops at around 25, so she'd look 25, not 19, second, neon green? I mean that'd be great for comedic value, but not for seriousness, so I hope that doesn't kill anything. Or mutilate. You could just give her a joker smile, too

So just to let you know (no offense), I did find the color kinda ridiculous, and it made me stop reading right there.

Greetings, Franky. I will be one of the moderators during your stay.

Umm... here it looks like you weren't really sure of what you were trying to do; some cross-examination will be in order to get this straight and perhaps help you.

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franky-wolf wrote:

Hair Color: Neon Green (Long story short a wizards dying spell before being digested was that she would lose her hunting capabilities at night as her scales, mouth, insides and hair would glow and all would know of her presence.) Used to be a steel grey.

Scale color: Can you guess it? NEON GREEN! Used to be a sky blue. Her striped tail and fin though turned a pitch black color and prey staring at it often think they are falling into a vast space of nothingness.
Mouth and insides are also neon green.

I'm going to hazard a guess here- yer from Eka's, right? That, and yer trying to follow the wiki's template. Well, that's good and all, but try not to dilly-dally on it. Make a joke, or tell us what it used to be, but not both; neither really matters, and it gets needlessly long. Also, I'd recommend that you don't use line breaks between entries, and that you use boldface for the template. As in:

Hair Color: Neon Green

Or if you're feeling real fancy,

Hair Color: Neon Green

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franky-wolf wrote:

Predation: (Um not sure what to label this as but best way would be.) Stalker and teaser. Follows for awhile wekks if need be then before eating can you guess it? She plays various games.

Prefers: Anything that tastes or smells remotely good. Though she has a soft spot for mermaids and has only eaten one or two and that was by request of the mermaid. Jezebel prefers Mermaids to be friends not food.

Best way to label predation would be following the template, if you're going to add it in. It's not about how she catches food, but how likely she is to eat something smaller than herself: check the attitudes of the characters in the wiki and see which one she compares best to. Besides, following something in the sea for weeks... not good thinking if you want to eat. Plenty of fish in the sea, landlubber.
Also, I'd rather you kept it to yourself if mermaids might request to be eaten. Common sense aside, it kinda takes the fun out of it. As it looks, her predation status would be Opportunistic, food category of 3-10 feet, prefers: not mermaids.

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franky-wolf wrote:

History: Jezebel Was an abandoned egg left alone on a Costal Cave. She left the cave early as a hatchling and there became enchanted by mermaids. A young Labrydine no older than she was the first she had befriended. Soon more Labrydines befriended Jezebel and the Labrydines talked to their larger counter parts explaining the situation of Jezebel and asked if she could remain off limits for eating. They agreed as Sea Krait nagas were tricky to eat due to the poison they contained in their body.

I think you can use the words "make friends" instead. It'll come off a lot smoother. Besides, there's no need for her to be under anyone's protection; as long as you're in a labrydine work area, no one's going to eat you. If you think they can protect you beyond that, think again.

I suggest you break up the paragraphs a bit better, too: not only there's little enough backstory right now (she put her stock in with labrydines and then got dyed by a wizard she ate, which she learned to live with), but it's hard to read too.

franky-wolf wrote:

She returned to her cave crying as she could no be a good predator. The mermaids on the other hand were enchanted by the hair offering to clean her scales for a simply lock which they could use as thread for their bracelets and what not.

I recommend you try to focus instead on what came out of this, rather than just say she learned to deal with it. It could help you write a more interesting background.

Beatboxing and cybergoth... well, everyone needs a hobby, I guess, and sea krait nagas are known for looking real pimp. But these interests don't seem to have any connection to anything; if you're going to mention them three times over during the bio, I reckon they're important. How about you put that in the background straight away?


As it is right now, it's kinda bombastic, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing: has potential. But it's kinda messy, and that's easy to fix.