It's a rough of a scene that takes place in the second storyarc of my future stories. I did this to see if I made some progress in story telling where you can feel an atmosphere and emotions. You might recognize the scene somewhere. Also, I need to know if I made improvement in subtility, consistency, and suspense.
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Sean an Lester were running through the futuristic building. Unsheathing his sword, Sean hacked and slashed a human/naga mutant. Lester was firing his BRT-248 against a human/ichthy mutant. Both brothers resumed their race toward the end of the corridor, taking care of opposition.
"Marina." said Sean "Where are you?"
They made it to the elevator. Once it reached the top floor, Sean saw Marina tied up and barely awake in front of him.
"Marina!" yelled Sean. Marina woke up and saw his friend.
"Sean? Sean, you came!" she exclaimed.
"You finally made it." said a voice from nowhere. "What a show you put on!" Lester looked around, and saw someone right next to Marina.
Relegos was smirking at both brothers from his platform. Sean was frowning violently and gritting his teeth. He clasped his sword hard and charged toward the perpetrator, while screaming. He thrusted his sword forward, but Relegos lifted a rapier, locking Sean's sword.
"What?" exclaimed Sean. Relegos pushed back Sean's weapon, then side kicked him, knocking Sean back right next to Lester.
"Nii-san!" exclaimed Sean at his injured sibling. Sean weakly stood up, glaring at Relegos. Relegos simply chuckled.
"You are quite the energetic type." said Relegos. "You amuse me kid." Sean snarled even more. Marina was struggling from her binds, but her strengths were in vain. "You must have come for this girl, am I right?"
"Hey! Let Marina go, you asshole!" exclaimed Sean. "I'll tear you apart if you hurt her!" Relegos chuckled even more.
"You can have her back." said Relegos. He sliced Marina's binding, then kicked her down the platform. Sean rushed, and caught her in his arms. "She is no longer useful to me." Lester snarled; he drew his BRT-248 and aimed at Relegos. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. If you miss me, this building and the whole city will explode." Lester, Sean and Marina were shocked. The younger brother lowered his weapon. A red signal was heard as well as an alarm. "So they are finally ready." said Relegos.
"What is ready?" asked Lester. Relegos laughed.
"The jurassic creatures from Felarya, of course." answered Relegos.
Subject: Invasion of Felarya Rough 
Tue Apr 08, 2008 11:44 am
