Hansel VS Felarya

Hansel VS Felarya, part 1- From Simple to Complicated


Hansel tapped his fingers on the table as he kept reading the uninteresting passage. His nostrils flared as he sampled the clean air in the reading room once more, in growing impatience. The silence wasn't helping at all.

"First of all, I must hope you're reading this out of curiosity. For if you've got a practical reason to know about Felarya, my dear friend, you're in great trouble."
"It is a world full of unconceivable treasures, and natural beauties both heartwarming and breathtaking. It is also a world without disease, where aging does not occur, virtue of its unique soil. Those are the four only good reasons to come here: there are literally seabeds' worth of gems, giant turtles made of diamond, mile-high falls of pristine, sparkling water under the sun, and the native life is forever youthful and healthy."
"The drawback is that the native life is forever youthful and healthy. And to protect such a world, they've adapted in a series of interesting ways, some very pretty to look at. Predators seem to be able to find you wherever you are, and most are very magical. The signature adaptation in Felarya, not as frequent however as they make it seem, are brobdingnian proportions- and a tendency to swallow their prey whole, alive, yet somehow get away with it more often than not."

Hansel felt the sound of some steps. And as he raised his head, looking around the library, deserted except for him, he saw a man in dark clothes approach his table. He didn't have a book on his hands, he wasn't going to read. As he sat down in front of him, Hansel stepped up. The table was narrow, and he was giving the man a good shot at his family jewels.

-Is anything the matter?- Hansel asked. His voice was a bit nasal and trembled slightly, but his eyes were firm enough.

The man looked at him. His green eyes flashed briefly, letting Hansel know who was he talking to, or at least, who the man he was talking to claimed being.

-Yes, Hansel... I've been looking for you all over town.- he answered, with a brief smile. Hansel reciprocated.

-You should've checked the adventurers' guild first, not last, then.- Hansel answered, with a tone of displeasure ringing over the rest of his thick, garbled accent.

-Come to think of it...- the man answered, his eyes flashing again.- Yes, I should have. Oh, where are my manners? I'm Stagme Duro, your contact with House Rawvarze, and you... you obviously are Hansel Schön. Nice to make your acquaintance...- he said, extending a hand.

Hansel mindlessly shook it.

-Nice to make your acquaintance too, "Stagme".- Hansel answered, making his thoughts clear.

-I swear it's my real name. You should know, Mr. "Schön".- Stagme grinned.- Anyway, I'm here for your assignment.- he glanced down at the table.- My, my, a book on Felarya. This one's a nice world, you know?- His eyes flashed dangerously again.- I've heard many things, but I've seen only good things. You've been here, what, two weeks? Why are you still at the prologue?- he raised his gaze, grinning.

-Because I've been reading the real books before this one.- Hansel answered, abruptly.

-Always practicing, aren't you, Hansel?- Stagme smirked.- That must be why you're the best there is.

"That came out of nowhere." Hansel thought, raising an eyebrow. "Why the compliment?"

-Don't give me that look, Hans, I just complimented you! I guess there's just no pleasing you?- Stagme asked, tilting his head, raising an eyebrow. Hansel didn't answer.- Oh, well, there's just no pleasing you. So we'll have to do this the hard way...

-There'll be no need.- he cut off, swiftly, flashing a smile.- Very well, Stagme, what are my orders?

-Are you so desperate to get rid of me? That's not nice, not nice at all! I'll have to talk to my supervisors, see about getting you a little discipline. You know the respect you owe me, right?

-They didn't tell you?- Hansel asked, finally.

-Tell me? Tell me what?- Stagme answered, showing a scornful, but interested face.

-I'm not very nice, and they know it. So go pester somebody else.

-Why are you talking to me like that?- Stagme asked, leaning in, looking a bit threatening. Sweat ran down Hansel's neck.

"This time I really blew it." he thought.

-If you wish, I know of a really good brothel not too far from here, Mr. Stagme.

-Look... you little piece of drivel...- Stagme growled.- You're just a goon. You die, we get another. I'm the real deal. I'm a full member of the house. You know what that means? I OWN you.- he punctuated, putting a finger on Hansel's chest.

Hansel blinked.

-Okay, you just go and say I sent you, I have a tab there.

Stagme reeled back.

-Yes, you're not very nice, I guess. Why bother disciplining you? We'll just get another when we're done with you...- Stagme growled, shaking his head.- Anyway, This is your assignment, Hans Schlondgorf. Do blow it, please. I'll bet them you would do so.- he said, searching in his suitcase for a paper envelope, and handing it to him.

-I'll do my best.- Hansel replied, as ambiguously as he could, while cracking a smile. He took the envelope.- Goodbye, Stagme.

-Goodbye, and best of luck.- Stagme replied, with a wicked smile. His sinister green eyes flashed again. As he left, Hansel opened the envelope... but then he heard something that really got his juices flowing.

-Ow! Watch your step, lady.- Stagme grunted, as he left the library. So Hansel immediately concealed the package under his robe, and looked from the corner of his hood. The lady that came in had raven black hair, and black eyes. She glanced at him for a moment, then glanced away and left.

Was she who he thought she was? There was but one way to find out. He walked up to the window, and looked out into the street. Stagme was leaving. He waited for a while, but in the end, there she was: the same lady who had bumped into Stagme, and left shortly after. And she was going in the same direction that Stagme had went.

Maybe it was just coincidence. He sat down again, and memorized his orders quickly. However, after finishing, he realized there was something on the paper envelope. Something thick and heavy. He pulled it out. It looked like something between a compass and a clock. He tilted his head, examining it... when he realized something. The top slid off, revealing a large coil-like object inside. According to his orders, it was the extraction device. Oddly enough, Hansel knew enough about magic to recognize a depowered device not meant to work anymore. Even his orders called attention to this fact. He'd have time to think about that later.

Then he took a few white pages (there were some in the library if one knew where to look... such as the trashcan, for example), and wrote a misleading copy of his orders. It wouldn't resist a thorough examination (or even comprehensive hindsight), but it WOULD suffice if one just had to fool a goon.

After doing all that, he left.

======

Hansel's pure white skin and golden hair would've made him stand out anywhere, weren't it for the fact he was wearing a thick dirt brown robe with heavy hood. As he left the stone building, and wound around the large city of Negav, finding his way to the place where he was staying, in the poorer part of the city.

He approached a small shack amongst many others. The owner was waiting, leaning against the door, doing her best to look imposing. But she was scared on the inside: that much was obvious. As long as she wasn't scared on the outside, it wouldn't be a problem, however.

He approached her large figure. She was very tall, six feet at least, and rather large. With the clean clothes she was wearing, however, she looked slightly out of place, even with the homeground advantage. To onlookers, Hansel would've been the landowner and she would be the one renting.

-So there you are...- she hissed.

Hansel didn't answer. He kept his face low, and nodded, a gesture visible through the hood.

-I need to get in.- he said, slowly.

-Hush, you leper!- she yelled.- You owe me money!

-I've already paid my rent for this week.

-That was LAST WEEK'S rent. You owe me rent for THIS week.- she claimed, leaning down to make it obvious she was taller than him. He didn't budge an inch.- You got that?

He shook his head.

-I don't have money on myself at the moment...

-'kay, that's all I needed to hear. I'll just take your stuff, then...

-I only need to take my equipment, that's all.

-Equipment? Is that what you kids are calling it those days? Hah!- she completed, advancing one full step. He didn't budge.- What's the matter, you want to stand up to me, pipsqueak?

-I only need to take my equipment.- he replied.- Let me in, and I'll leave.

-Oh, zip that!- she snarled.- Like I didn't know you glued the chest shut.

-How would you know that without...?- he asked. He asked rhetorically. But it didn't make her back off.

-Shut up. None of your business. Get out, and be glad I didn't call the neighbors...

Hansel raised his head. Only enough for her to see the contempt in his mouth under the hood. Then he projected his hand, swiftly, towards her throat, and pushed her against the door. It wasn't easy, she was very big, but he was, quite literally, a hell hard bastard.

-Call the neighbors to evict me. I challenge you.

Her mouth wriggled a little.

-Why don't you just get out while you still can? I've seen more than my fair share of lowlifes. And I'm still here; that should tell you everything...

-That's none of my business. Let me in. Now.- he growled, showing his large canines.

-No. You think I'm scared of some lowlife like you? Well, check this: I'm not. There's nothing you can... NO!- she suddenly opened her eyes very wide as he acted out his answer.

He pulled out a switchblade from his pocket with his free hand, and swung it at her throat. She summoned whatever strength she could, and managed to push him away. But as she tried to push the offensive, with a kick to the chest, he swung the blade in her general direction, and for a moment she had a glimpse of sanity. She shrieked as loud as she could, running away. That gave him... half a minute before someone arrived, and that was all he needed. So he tried to open the door, and when he discovered it finally had a lock (probably the reason why she was so insistent on collecting the money), he used another tactic and tore the whole cheap door off its hinges with three powerful kicks.

He got in, and walked up to the bedroom door. It was open, luckily. But so was, he discovered from the threshold, the chest where he kept his things, which was now as empty as the room. And he had glued it shut! He shook his head, and approached the window. Obviously, it had happened quite some time ago. That meant he had just got on the wrong side of the law for no good reason. Oh, well, crap happened all the time. If he ever found her again, he'd just have to slit her throat for real, and that'd be it.

So he just jumped out of the window, and left, calmly. It wasn't like they had gotten anything important. His steps took him to a tavern. One with a shadowy corner where someone could draw all the attention, leaving people to ignore the man reading by the window.

======

Once at the tavern, he walked up to the bar, ordered a full whiskey bottle (for which he DID part with his money), walked up to an empty table, sat down with the whiskey and opened the envelope. Then he pulled out his orders.

He kept reading. And expectedly, his technique to hide in plain sight failed: someone sat in the table opposite him.

-What's that you're reading?- she asked.

Unlike his slum lord, this voice sounded like something he'd want to remember. He raised his gaze to meet hers.

She was the same woman from the library. And something about her black eyes was at the same time mesmerizing and terrifying. But she seemed kind enough, and her smile was genuine.

"And that's a pity, because you've just signed your death sentence." he thought, smiling himself. She saw his eyes, his brown eyes in his pale face. And a few locks of his golden hair.

-You're awfully pale.- she commented.

-I know.- he answered, grinning.- So what brings you here?

-Well, I saw a lonely guy at the bar. You can do the math.- she tilted her head.

-Oh.- Hansel replied, raising his eyebrows. Then he blinked, studying the curve of her neck. He smiled, relaxing his eyes, as he saw her yugular vein beating. He also had an idea where the carotid artery was.

-If you want to keep ogling me, you'd better buy me a drink.- she chuckled.

"How audacious, dear..." he thought. Then he took the bottle of whiskey.

-Isn't it a bit early for whiskey?- she asked.

-It's five o' clock.- he answered.- Come on, you only live once.

-Okay... but you've got to match. I wouldn't want to be taken advantage of.- she answered, grinning.

Hansel studied her, again. He'd deign himself remember her. She had black eyes, and wavy, black hair, over tan skin, and features that, despite they seemed awfully common, were still cute. She wore a sleeveless shirt, he could see a tattoo on her shoulder. It looked like something important... he'd find out what it was sooner or later. She had thin, pink lips, and arms that, despite not being bulky, had sufficient tone for him to believe she would be able to defend herself. Until he changed that, of course...

-Of course, I'll match.- he said, smiling, then turning to his papers again.

She poured herself a shot. Then she put the glass to her pink, thin lips, and let it flow in. Keeping it in her mouth for a moment, she took a deep breath for no reason, and then swallowed. He saw a small, suggestive bulge move down her throat, and then kept reading.

-Your turn.- she pointed. He nodded.

-Of course...- he poured himself a shot, and then gulped it down, his eyes tearing up as the liquid seared down his throat.

She poured herself another one. He was almost ready to follow her mouth again, but he had to memorize his orders.

-So what's that you're reading?- she asked.

-It's my secret mission.- he answered.

-Oh.- she answered, gulping it down.- Your turn.

He put down the paper for a moment, and then served himself another shot. At that moment, he remembered he had forgot to give himself an advantage... he was drinking on an empty stomach, and she might not be. Also he didn't know how great her endurance for alcohol was; she could surpass him for all he knew.

-Can I read it?- she asked.

-Sure. Why not?- he said, slightly alcoholized, handing her over the first page.- Give it back when you're done.

She read that.

-Wow, you could get in trouble from showing me this.

-They know better than to dull my style.- he boasted.

She kept reading, her face relaxing. Now, seeing her reading, that was a sight. She looked so peaceful as she gulped down another shot with a smile.

-Your turn.- she said. He pretended read the second page, which was mostly empty. It was a short mission. Sounded... deceivingly short. Probably it could be that short, too. As he finished, he gulped down another shot. And shivered.

-You don't hold your alcohol too well, do you?- she asked, smug. At that time, maybe it was the alcohol, but she seemed... interested... in him. No, no doubt she'd hold her liquor better than him. He needed the advantage. And she gave it to him.

-Pass me the other page.- she said. He did so, and then grabbed the first page. He crumpled it up into a doily, and swallowed it, aided with a little alcohol. She looked at him, surprised.

-Why'd you do that?

-It's top secret.- he smiled, patting his belly.- Now no one will find it.

"Also this ink absorbs alcohol." he thought.

-You're afraid of losing to me?- she asked, grinning. Her teeth were very white, very perfect. For some reason, he found that unnerving.

-I wouldn't want to lose the opportunity.- he admitted, smiling sheepishly.

She nodded.

-It's okay, I had a small bowl of baked peanuts before you even got here.- she shrugged.- Besides, you want to take advantage of me. It's okay, you're a guy. I'll even take it as a compliment.- she smiled.- But to succeed... you need one important thing: my name.

-And what's your name?- he asked.

-Yours first.- she smiled.

-I'm Hansel.

-Nice to meet you, Hansel. I'm Kaede.

-Kaede? Quite the exotic name... anyway, it's your turn.

She poured herself another shot, handing him over the second page, and looking at him, resting her head on her hand and her elbow on the table. Then she drank the shot. He looked inside the paper envelope.

-You aren't going to eat that one too?- she asked, smiling.

He raised an eyebrow. Then he drank a shot.

[...]

By the twelfth shot, he had succeeded. She was giddy, and he was not. Of course, this hadn't been without consequences. He was seeing double. But at least he was self-aware.

-So... you are... an adventurer?- she giggled.

-I don't know...- he smiled.- Yes. I'm an adventurer... and you, girls?- he asked the two girls he was going to kill when they left.

-We are an adventurer too.- they answered.- I'm a good shot with a bow, and you?

-I'd say... I'm... I'm a...- he shrugged, and giggled.- I don't know...

-Geez, aren't we drunk...- she grinned.- Excuse me, I need some fresh air...- she added, getting up.- Be right back, don't go away!- she stumbled up, and left for the door to the back alley.

He smiled and waved as she did. Then, when she was already past the door, he grabbed his switchblade again. Then he walked up to the bar.

-I... already... had paid, right?- he struggled to ask.

-Yes, mister, you did.- the barkeep answered.

-Good.- he answered, approaching the back door. He opened it, felt a rush of cold dusk air on his face, pushed a button on the switchblade... and looked around. It was an alley closed off by a fence, but oddly enough, she was nowhere to be found.

-Kaede?- he asked.- Kaede?

No one answered. He checked behind the dumpster... nothing. The trash inside it was compact and hadn't been bothered recently. The fence door was locked. He turned around, violently, sort of hoping for her to have fallen on top of him. But she hadn't. She had just disappeared.

He grunted for a moment and then hid his switchblade again. Way to go and make a fool of him. Once in the tavern again, he ordered a quadruple espresso with extra sugar, and after gulping it down, he left for the second phase: planning out the expedition.

And from the rooftop, a dark-haired and black-eyed woman looked down on the alley. She was obviously winded, and as the man went into the back door again, she slumped on the roof, and took deep, shallow breaths. That had been difficult... and those were false orders, but now she knew his face.

======

All along the way to the Adventurers' Guild again, he was fully expecting Kaede to appear, or the city guard to apprehend him for assault. But neither of those things happened, and he found his way to the library once more. There was people in there now, but that was okay. He wasn't carrying secret documents this time.

So he just picked up a few books: a book about maps, a book about places in those maps, and a book about the inhabitants of the places in those maps.

"I seriously hope my judgement isn't compromised by alcohol. I don't have any time to rest, with her knowing about me, and probably I don't have any place to rest, either. She either is after me, or after the same goal as I am. We'll know for sure soon enough... the shortest route would be through the Chidokai Forest. Sounds cute."

He then checked what he had to learn about Chidokai forest.

"Ohh, so it's a rainforest, inhabited by... oh, crap."

He shook his head.

"Okay, let's see those plants! There's a tree whose roots can kill me. There's a creeper that fires spikes that can kill me. There's a... this one can be subverted by just having a gas mask or a bottle of water. There's a creeper that can eat me. There's a... ridiculous! A fruit that can eat me?"

"The forest fauna, on the other hand... is downright unbelievable. Looks like the Chidokai forest has quite a diverse fauna... as expected of a rainforest. Thankfully, no one's going to try and save the tonorions. By the way, everything here is beyond my power. Every single thing! I'd better not try to be a hero."

He checked inside the paper envelope again. There was a trade letter in there.

"Good, my man!" he grinned. That trade letter was worth eight rubies. Enough... to hire and arm six people. Counting on that...

[...]

After considering a total of 24 targets and 8 different possible environments to meet them, depending on whether they were on the ground, or on a branch, or on the water, or near the water, with or without foliage above them, Hansel arrived at a simple conclussion: alone he'd perish (he didn't write any strategies, however). And he'd need plenty of firepower. Stealth was a given requirement, but it would fail, sooner or later, and there were 24 different things it could fail against. All of which were horrible thoughts to meet, even able to get the drop on them. He also had read that there were several of them against which stealth would invariably fail...
so he had to plan accordingly.

Among his notes, it read:

-Watch out for the claws. You can avoid the worst of the claw by having some measures of poison proofing. Then again, you don't want to get hit in the first place. They don't read as tree climbers; stay up, and you should have ample warning when they come.
-Buckshot. To the eyes.
-Avoid dark, wet places. Use mortar shot against them when they're flying.
-Keep your clothes loose for warning; if they still catch you, they're small enough for you to reach the brain.
-If you see fruits on the ground, buckshot may not suffice. Use sabot.
-Kill it. Duh.
-Avoid tonorions; they're too fast and you couldn't hit them with a rocket launcher.
-Avoid water, stay anchored away from the ground. If everything else fails and time is short, poison the water already.
-This looks like a job for grenade launchers.
-Smaller specimens may be killed with small weapons; larger specimens are best avoided, there seems to be no good way to beat them.
-No weaknesses. They're using feelers and vibrations; percussion instruments and tanned hide might do a good job. Preemptive attacks are impossible; focus on being able to at least recyprocate the attention.
-Make sure you're seen using fire and they'll try not to wake you.
-Don't get eaten if you see one.
-Alcalinize their stomach or acidify their skin to turn their bodies to saltwater.
-Watch out for illusions, specially near water. If you hear singing, whip out the good stuff. Then kill them.
-Don't walk under egg-shaped pods.
-Easily identified. Avoid them, or spray them with fire.
-Test the ground with a stick.
-Keep a bottle of mineral water and bottle of sulphuric acid on yourself.
-Keep an antidote on hand. Then spray it with fire.
-Avoid glowing flowers.
-Don't touch the ground.
-Kill it with fire.
-If it catches you, kiss your ass goodbye.

Then he re-read his notes, and jotted down some other notes.

-Predator sense eats mages in their sleep.
-Many of these seem avoidable.
-For a good number of them, however, fire will do a good job.
-And two of them seem vulnerable to shotgun fire.
-Therefore, I'd say my best bet would be to get myself a sawed-off shotgun, high-powered buckshot and some phosphoric rounds.
-Also I'll need a stick, some rope, and a bottle of mineral water.
-A person capable of using a firearm effectively, however, would be mandatory with the shotgun...

Yes, he actually drew a face on his notes. After a relatively large pause, he kept making notes.

-I could learn to actually use a shotgun myself one of those days.
-Don't stock up too much; pack mules aren't really sneaky.
-You're forgetting something important. You didn't count the extra underwear you'll need, one for every encounter.
-And clean socks, lots of clean socks. Two for each day, at least, you don't want to get cold feet.
-Considering everything's out to kill you, you better think carefully how do you plan to get rest.
-I need a good glass of warm milk. And a few bands of C4 if I'm caught. Or a suitcase nuke, too.

He stopped for a moment, and took a deep breath. Then he blinked, slowly.

-I think the espresso's starting to fail me... what time is it? I'm tired.
-Geez, did I actually write all of that? I must be getting sleepy.

When he had that jot down, his eyes watered. Then he yawned, and leaned down for just a moment. Everything was still blurry, the alcohol was starting to gain against the coffee, and he was doubting his judgement too much. Finally, he slumped on top of the book. He woke up shortly afterwards, realizing he was a lot sleepier than he thought he was. So he closed the book, and grabbed his notes. Tomorrow they'd certainly look silly, but he could live with that. If he used those notes, he wouldn't make it to Frost Peak alive. Matter of fact, he wasn't sure he'd get to the gates of Negav alive. So after finding out it was 3:00 AM and the location of a nearby inn, he went to a bank, cashed in his note, and left for the inn, while half-alive, half-asleep. By the time he got to a bed, he dropped like a sack of potatoes, sidewards on his bed, with his rear pointed up, without even having time to take off his dirty robe. Sleep was highly welcome, but still played hard to get with him.

======

He was again in a bar. But something was different this time. The bar was enormous: the ceiling was at least fifty feet tall, and instead of an enclosed space, the bar was in a balcony, with steel columns criscrossed with beautiful, flowery vines between him and the ample, luxurious natural scenery; luxurious, red, comfortable seats, in front of him the table was made of smooth, burnished oak, with a glass vase full of flowers, and instead of his strange robe, he was wearing a white leisure suit. He was reading, yes, but he was reading a travel brochure. And come to think of it, he was smoking in a pipe.

-So you're new in this world?- she asked. He looked up at her, she was approaching his table to sit down. She had raven black hair, black eyes, tan skin, and wore a yellow cocktail dress. He nodded, putting away his pipe for a moment.

-Yes I am.- he answered, in a manner improper for himself.- My name's Schön. James Schön. And you may be?- he asked, leaning in and stretching a hand. Why was he doing that?

She put her hand in his. He kissed her hand.

-My name is Kaede.- she answered, with a confident smile. Her eyes were so peaceful, her teeth so square, so white, so perfect.- So what brings you to my dominions? Business, or pleasure?

"Business. I have a mission here." he thought. "I'll have to kill you after telling you that." But his mouth was not his own.

-I'm here on paid vacation.- he smiled, just as confidently.- I've just struck it big at the stocks, so I'm enjoying myself for a while.

"No, I'm not... this isn't the kind of lie I'd tell..." he thought. "I'm not myself, this is wrong!"

Everything seemed to fade away for a moment. Just a moment.

-You're enjoying yourself.- she nodded, raising her eyes, amazed.- In Felarya? You must be quite the man of action, then...- she put a finger to the corner of her lips. That drew his attention to her lips. Boy were they sexy. Thin, pink, lively, flexible, every virtue he could think of, they had it. Those lips were worth dying for.

He chuckled in response.

-Let's say I am.- he answered, leaning back and cracking his neck.

-Sir, here's the drink you requested.- a comely young lady said, placing a silver tray on the table. He looked at the wine... something was oddly familiar about that white wine. He grabbed it, and looked at the tag.

-Oh, look at this.- he said. Then he noticed something under his glove... that was not his skin. He was not dreaming about himself, he was someone else. But he couldn't discern the tone, his eyes were focused on the wine.- Hansel Schön, a harvest 33 years old.

-So who do I have to sleep with to get you to invite me a drink?- she asked, with mock anger on her tone. He knew it was false... there was a smile on her lips. A smile, the most important beauty accesory for both lady and gentleman. And hers suited her figure nicely.

-Hahahaha!- he laughed. It wasn't funny. But his laughter seemed genuine... he uncorked the bottle, and poured Hansel into her cup. She took the cup, sampled the wine, shook it a little, and then took a little sip. She clicked her tongue on her palate a couple times... running shivers through his entire body. Then she finally swallowed; he felt himself drowning for a moment, and then penetrated by warmth. She looked at the cup, and shook it again, before drinking the entire cup, slowly. Hansel first felt the caress of her lips, so soothing, but then he felt his insides roll around; it was strangely painless, yet disturbing, knowing her tongue was finding its way to every drop of his being. Afterwards, everything was warm, too warm; with each inhalation, the air outside was as hot as his own blood. He began to sweat... and everything turned dark.

-The wine's good...- he heard her say.- But it's nothing special...

intriguuing setting you put there
I'm curious to learn more about their respective missions ^^

Part 2- You require more rubies

Hansel let out a short, high-pitched scream as he rose from his bed, sweating and shivering all over. Then he took shallow breaths for a while, before calming down and looking out of the window. Everything was in order. It had all been just a nightmare. Probably due to mixing alcohol, coffee, the frustration of two failed killings, and reading all night about things with exposed vaginas that also wanted to eat him.

Then he wiggled his fingers, looking at the notes he had taken at the library. He frowned, and tore the notes to shreds.

-This time I'm doing it right.- he told himself, sitting up, before getting up, standing up, and leaving the room. Once downstairs, he paid in advance for two more days, and left for the Adventurers' guild again. Where he made a definitive set of combat notes, oddly similar to the first one.

He'd need a wizard (with fire), for most plants, a demolitions engineer (with explosives) if they found a large group of spine beetles (because a large group could kill them all, and those things sounded pretty quick), and someone who could use a shotgun. With him, that'd be four people. The recommended limit was six people, and he needed also a guide and a meatshield for when things got REALLY ugly. If anyone could double-duty, then he'd be able to bring in more meatshields... but it would be a better idea to have some failsafes, too. He couldn't control who died and who lived.

Also, he had forgotten to consider the fauna in Frost Peak, or the conditions: they were very different from the ones in Chidokai forest. Then again, considering it was a frozen mountain, "kill it with fire" still sounded like the solution to all his problems. He'd also have to carry warm clothes, mountain-climbing equipment, and enough food to last him the whole trip... that could slowly mount to a logistic nightmare. His body was (relatively) powerful, but he had been always careful not to build enough bulk to slow himself down. Now allowing external bulk to slow him down seemed just silly.

Speaking of nightmares, his nightmare had been really odd. He had never had any nightmares like that before. Despite the fact he had felt like an inanimate object his entire life.

"Well, nevermind..." he thought. "It was a nice change of pace from being naked in front of the whole class every night, if nothing else. Now I better go shopping... I'm going to need one or two things."

The first place he hit was the alchemy store. There were people in there; killing the owner wouldn't give him a discount, so he queued like a good boy, and waited, and waited, and waited. He felt seriously out of place there, wearing what amounted to a glorified sack of potatoes, among a dozen adventurers, each of which was shinier than the others.

He waited for a few minutes, before realizing the queue had stopped moving. Not even remorseless homicidal maniacs were exempt from the whims of the queue. Then he looked over the shoulder of the guy in front of him... seeing a wizard two people in front argue something with the storekeeper. In his crimson robe, with his black beard, Schön wondered if he'd take all day.

-You can't seriously hope me to leave without THAT!- the wizard yelled.- How can you call this an alchemy store if you don't have it?

-We had it. We're fresh out.

-Okay, I'll wait until you have replenished your stock.- the wizard said, with a smile.

-We make it every week, you can't...

-Oh, yes I can.- the wizard said.- I've got all the time in the world.

-This is madness...- Hansel muttered to himself.

-What did you say?- the wizard shouted, turning around.- I heard you, young man. This isn't madness! This is Felarya!- he said, with a strange smile.

Hansel shook his head.

-What was that?

-You know what that was.- Hansel said.- You're not going to find it here, and we all have things to do.

-You've got all the time in the world too. This is Felarya, after all.

-If all we were looking forward to was dying of old age, you'd be right.- Hansel answered.

-So you're calling me old?- the wizard asked, his eyes flaring.- Want to see just how old I am? Me with the power of the cosmos and you with a sack of potatoes?

-This sack of potatoes serves me just fine.- Hansel replied.- On the other hand, the power of the cosmos certainly isn't helping you much.

-It could help me not have to listen to you, it'd be really easy to turn you into a newt.- he said, raising his hands.

-Attempt any spellcasting here and it'll be your last mistake, wizard.- he threatened.

-YOU threaten ME? Do you know who the hell I am?- the wizard asked.

-What does it matter!? You started it!

-Well, I don't care who started it. I only care who'll get to finish it.- the wizard growled.

-Don't do that. You don't know who am I either.

-I'm Carver Eulas, of the Ps' Isol magiocrats. And who are you? Huh?- he continued, standing as tall as he was. Which, Schön had to admit, was a bit taller than him.

-Me?- Schön growled. "I'd better change tactics". So, lowering his voice, he went on.- No, I'm... just a passersby. But I really need those potions, and you are delaying not just me, but everyone, for no good reason. I can't see why are you doing this, I don't understand, and frankly, it's driving me nuts. And I KNOW I'm not the only one here.

Carver chuckled. The person behind the counter sighed, doing a facepalm.

-Of course... the affairs of wizards are beyond your comprehension. And insanity IS a risk for lesser minds like yours.

"As is being a jerk?" Hansel thought. But he'd better not say it.

-I know a good brothel not far from there, how about you let me shop and I'll let you use my tab? I'm not staying for long anyway.- he offered. Everyone in the store facepalmed.

-Are you trying to bribe me?

-Let's instead say I'm trying to buy my way out.- Schön chuckled.- Seriously, I need... your heart on a spoon.

-What did you say?

-I said I needed two hearts for scum. It's a common expression from where I'm from, it means, basically, that I'm... in a hurry.

-And where are you from?

-I'm from Negav city.- he lied. "Lie, lie and lie, something will be left." as his father said.

-You're kind of short.- Carver pointed, raising an eyebrow.- And I haven't heard that expression, ever, even though I'm from Negav as well.

-Then you're not really from Negav. People from Negav use that expression all the time.- he continued, audacious.- Anyone here can tell you what it means.

The eight people in there looked puzzled as they had to shake their heads.

-No we don't!- the woman between him and Carver said.- You're a liar.

-What do you know? You're not from Negav.- Hansel answered, in his most snobbish tone.

-I may not be from Negav, but I've spent twelve years in here, and no one's ever said that.

-Then I guess you should've spent less time enjoying the whores in the brothel, milady.- Hansel said, keeping a straight face.

-Are you trying to kill me with an aneurysm?- the wizard asked, with a bemused smile.

-Let's be honest...- Schön said, ready to admit to his unorthodox tactic.- No, I'm not. I wasn't lying, though, I'm really from Negav.- The weak lie, using 'Negav' instead of 'here' was intentional on his part. Not everyone had the nerve to call on a liar.- Well, mister, you deliver what you promise... so I'll have to leave you be. It's not like there aren't other shops in there.- he growled, turning away, and leaving. The two people between him and the wizard also left. Then the wizard smiled at the clerk, and left. Following which, Schön entered again, quickly, and got to the counter. The clerk looked angrily at him.

-You happy now? You made my customers leave!- he growled.

-Don't yell at me, I did what I had to do.- Schön replied, calmly.- Now I'll need the following...- he said, pulling out a small list. The clerk looked at him unimpressed.

-...yes?

-Okay. I'll need, first, six potions of extra healing.- he said, making an effort to read his own scribble.

The clerk turned around, and took six small vials from the shelves behind himself, which he put then on the counter.

-That'd be six rubies.

-What!? I can't pay six rubies, I don't have that much money!- Schön spouted, looking surprised under his robe.

-Well, I'm sorry, those were three valuable customers, you know?

-I'm a valuable customer too!- he protested.- But if a third of the purchase is already this expensive, then I'm not your customer!

-Fine.- the clerk said, raising his eyebrows.

-Look, how much are you overcharging me? Come on, a ruby for an extra healing potion, you'd practically have to have rubies coming out of your ears for them to be worth that little...

-Have you ever heard of the Jewel River, mister?

-Jewel River? I suppose so. It has crystalline, sparkling waters, right?

The clerk chuckled.

-Ahem... let's put it this way: it's this close to being literally a jewel river.- the man answered, smug.- You're not from Felarya, are you?

-Okay, I'm not. You caught me.

-You couldn't be, your accent is outrageous! Where are you really from?

-France.

-You're joking! I'd have said you were from Hamburg.

-I'm from France, and no, that's no joke. I'm Hansel Schön.

-I'm just saying, you've got a funny accent...

-I know, I get that all the time. Anyway, I need a better price.

-Okay, I could do that... Let's leave it at four rubies.

-Four!? It's still a bit too rich... could we make it three?

The clerk took a deep breath.

-No. Four rubies for six extra healing potions. And next time, remember, please, that inflation is serious business.

-Hm-hm. Can we drop one healing potion, and make it a flight one instead?

-No. We don't have any fairy wing dust to make it with. A fairy ate my hunter last week.

-What!? Fairies are this big- he put his hands together- how can they give you trouble?

-Fairies in this world can be bigger than that. And they're very vicious, too.

-Sounds like you should use fairies from other worlds, then.

The clerk raised his eyebrows, nodding, holding with sheer willpower the need to laugh his ass off at the idea.

-You've made my day, mister... I'll allow your three-rubies price. Now shall we wrap it up?

-No, not yet. Change one extra healing potion for an invisibility potion...

-Do you have a license?- the clerk replied, with a half-smile.

-Do I need one?

-Yes. There's a three-day delay, too.- the clerk nodded.- Also a psychiatric test, and you cannot take the test unless you've got documents proving your identity unambiguously.

-Ah, well, then, forget it. An invulnerability potion, how's that?

-Those we do have. They're more expensive than healing potions... but I'll let you swap one of your healing potions for it.

-Very well, then. Replace another one by a potion of speed.

-That's a fair trade, okay. You'll be pleased to know that our formula doesn't cause methabolic damage on the long term.

-Well, that's good. You don't have flight potions, so well, the next best thing, I suppose, is giant strength.

-Oh, but that one's very expensive. I'll leave it at an additional ruby. But only because I really liked that "fairies from other worlds" one.

-I can... *sigh*. I can live with that.

-I see you've bought three potions, one of speed, one of strength, one of invulnerability... you know that unless you're a good warrior you can't make effective use of all the powers they give?

-I'll make do.

-And you know that mixing drinks could be fatal, too? There's a reason not everyone in Felarya uses potions for fighting predators.

-I know a neat trick... you wouldn't happen to have a potion of delusion?

-This is a respectable stablishment. We don't sell those here.

-That's a pity.

-No, it's not. Potions of delusion have no real use, outside of tricking people.

-Actually they do. But wait, you wouldn't happen to have a potion of heroism?

-Shonen or sentai?

-Just heroism.

-Tokusatsu, then?

-You don't have potions of heroism?

-That's not the problem, mister, we've got too many.

-Okay, then, give me the strongest!

-Let me check...- the storekeeper said, turning around and checking a few things.- We're all out of shonen, sir... and tokusatsu doesn't agree with most of our customers.

-Sentai, then.- he said, shrugging.

-Hmmm...- looks like we're fresh out of sentai.

-What's the closest thing to it, then?

-Hentai. That's what Carver was looking for; usually, we've got his supply covered. He goes through those potions like they were coke.

-Hentai? Doesn't that mean transformation? What does he use them for?

The clerk smirked at him. He had a gaze that suggested he was about to play a prank on him.

-Yeah, it does. It's just that good. Hey, I think I've got some yaoi left.

-I have no idea what a yaoi potion would do. I'll pass.- Hansel answered.- Are you sure you don't have any shounen left?

-Actually I think we do...- the shopkeeper added, navigating his shelves for a moment before placing another bottle on the counter.- Shounen-ai, there it is.

-So this is a heroism potion?

-Shonen potions are the strongest superheroism potions. And this one has ai on top.- the clerk smiled.- Trust me, tiger, you can't go wrong on this one.

That man seemed too happy about selling him shonen-ai. Hansel changed his mind.

-I think I'll take the... shoujo heroism ones, then.- he shrugged. They were the only thing in the heroism section the clerk hadn't tried to sell him yet.

-What? No serious man would be taking shoujo, mister.

-I'll make my own choices.- Hansel growled.

-Okay. Shoujo for you. Let's hope it's heroic enough for your taste.- the clerk chuckled, putting a potion on the counter.- I'll even let you have the ai for free: shoujo-ai is our most successful product.

-Okay, three healing potions, a giant strength potion, an invulnerability potion, a speed potion, and a shoujo-ai potion. Whatever that is, I hope it's powerful and heroic. And four rubies for all this.

-I can give you the M-rated version if you want, but your mileage may vary for its strength.- the clerk answered, with a straight face, for once.

-No, thanks, the standard version should suffice...- Hansel nodded.- Thank you.- he paid four rubies, took the potions, and then turned around. To realize a new line had started forming, and they were all grinning like fools, as if they were sharing an inside joke.

-What's the matter?

-You're a sissy!- someone yelled from the back of the line.

-Who said that?- he grunted.

-He's not a sissy. He took the shoujo-ai.

-Then he should have picked the yuri, don't you think?

-Hey, it's okay if he likes shoujo! Not everyone wants sex!

-What's all this talk? What are you people snickering at?- he asked, from under his hood. Then he turned around.- What did you sell me, bastard?- he asked surprised.

The man opened his mouth to answer, but then stood back, trying his best not to roll on the floor laughing. Schön decided not to kill him... there was no way he'd get away with that. However, he swore to himself he'd find out what was so funny about him buying shoujo-ai. Probably he could begin by finding out what it meant.

-Damn you all.- he grunted. He already knew what to do with that potion...

======

By noon his potion needs taken care of, he now needed a couple litres of sulphuric acid, in case he needed to kill a plant, and a big block of quicklime, if he had to dehydrate it in a different occassion. As well as a gas mask, in case he actually got to use either of those things. Fumes could be dangerous. So he went to a different alchemy store.

The sulphuric acid was at an accessible price, though he couldn't find it as concentrated as he wanted, but the powdered quicklime was much easier. The change from the ruby he had used to pay for the night sufficed and there was still some left. Of course, this meant he had to hire and arm five people with three rubies. That could prove very difficult. So he just stocked up on provisions for himself already, which cost him half of the change left from the first ruby he spent.

And that left only one thing to do: hire and arm five people with three rubies and five to the third power inflation, thanks to the f*ing Jewel River. Well, he'd manage.

He knew what he wanted, again: a guide, a man who could operate explosives, someone who could use a shotgun, a wizard, and a decoy... all of them people he'd certainly find in a dark corner on a tavern. But first things first. No one listened to a guy in a sack of potatoes. So he did what he had been wanting to do ever since he got into the city: he took off the robe, and threw it in a conveniently placed trashcan, showing what he wore below.

Under that robe, his skin was as white as alabaster. Over his buff body, he wore a small black top, short black pants, a pair of boots, greaves, a breastplate, forearm guards, and a small short sword horizontally over his back. Also a pack of cigarettes strapped to his biceps. Quite the look to summon people to adventure, aided by a mane of glowing, golden, wavy hair, and with the only relative blemish of a face full of strong features, such as thick lips, a sloped forehead, sunken cheeks, and a chin that belonged to a larger man. It was a face that looked like it had been made to say "Ook, eek, ook!".

And so he walked back into the tavern and inn, sat down on the bar, and asked for a mug of ale. Then he looked around. There were plenty of people to pick from. Most of them looked like real rough type regulars, except for a cute little young boy with very smooth skin and very nice red hair who was eating cookies like no tomorrow, messily, with a glass of milk, wearing brown shorts, a green T-shirt and sandals... sitting on a dark corner. He had a butterfly net next to him. Hansel wondered what was that for, but then he remembered that he needed to focus... on something else than a police informer on the lookout for pedophiles.

http://devastar.deviantart.com/art/Felarya-characters-143819471

They're coming next chapter...

hahaha funy part with the potion of Heroism, I'm curious to see the effect XP

Hansel VS Felarya Part 3- Hiring

======

-Say, I'm going to Frost Peak.- he told the bartender.- Do you know of anyone who's also bound for that place?

The bartender looked at him, surprised.

-What, I'm a bartender so I must automatically be the information nexus for the community?- the bartender replied, harshly.- Sorry, I don't have the inclination to interrogate my customers. I just serve drinks.

-So you say.- Hansel shrugged. Okay, this was going to be a bit more difficult, but he could deal with that. He turned around, and considered his words carefully.

-Do I see any mercenaries here?- he exclaimed.

Some of them gave him a passing glance. The rest looked at him for a moment. And two... seemed to answer the call. Those were the desperate ones, obviously, and would probably make good meatshields. One of them stood up and approached him, the other one kept his eyes locked on him.

The one that approached him was a very large, tremendously muscular man with a tanned complexion. Probably, a nice treat for whatever tried to eat them. He had black hair, and green eyes... an odd combination. His face was a lot smoother than his', also, and just like Hansel, he wore cheesecake armor that didn't cover much. It was placebo armor: its only utility was giving the wearer enough confidence to actually take on the risks (also it let them show how much they had worked out and impress the ladies). He had a large hammer on his belt, and a large bow on his back. If those arms weren't just for show, he'd probably be deadly with them.

-So you're looking for a mercenary, then.- he said.- I'm Rehsams, from the Qesjhatam, and my blade, or hammer, is for hire.

Hansel nodded.

-Nice to meet you, Rehsams.- he said, standing up. He was getting the impression that everyone in Felarya was a head taller than him.- So, the Qesjhatam? Where's that?

-I'm from the Sands of Time. You might know it as Akaptor desert.

Hansel stared blankly.

-Akaptor desert.- Rehsams repeated.- Sands of time. Doesn't ring a bell?

-No.

-It's a large desert to the west.- Rehsams said.- With magical sand that sends you back in time.

-Oh, really?- Hansel asked, raising an eyebrow.

-Yes. We're very careful not to touch the sand.- he said. Hansel couldn't tell if he was deliberately lying or not.- You should see the stilts we use.

"So he's not only very large, but a good liar too. I must be careful... he might happen to be as competent as me, or worse... but why would he say such a thing, anyway? He shouldn't let me know he's a good liar... okay, so he's not as smart as he looks. Or maybe he enjoys knowing we can't trust him? Well, I'm strapped. I'd better snag him, then distrust him, not the other way around."

After a short pause, Schön nodded again.

-Very well, I'll trust you.- he lied.- We're going through Chidokai forest, though; how do you think you'd fare there?

-Chidokai? I've heard of the place.- Rehsams grinned.- I'll do just fine... I'm not scared of the water.

"And you won't have time to learn to fear it." Hansel thought. Then he turned to the other one who was still looking at him, sitting on his table. But now that he deigned to look at the man, he had a disdainful smirk that probably meant a waste of time. And freakish green hair.

-I take it you're a mercenary too?- he asked.

-Who wants to know?- the man asked, unimpressed.

-I do. My name's Hansel Schön.

-Yeah, right.- the man chuckled.- So I take it you think you're hot stuff, right? That you'll go through Felarya and make it yours?

-Not exactly. I'm just trying to get to Frost Peak.- Hansel answered.- After that, I'll leave this place and probably never come back.

-Yes, everyone thinks that. Just hit Felarya once, get rich, then live off that.- he commented. He raised his eyes; they were a light shade of brown. Almost golden.- It doesn't work that way.

Schön nodded.

-Well, then I'll try not to do that.- he shrugged.- By the way, your hair's green.

-And your skin's white. My hair color's common where I'm from. So where are YOU from?

-Hamburg.

-No, seriously. Your accent is the weirdest I've ever heard, where are you from?

-Hell.- he croaked.

-Hah!- Schön was liking him less and less. He just HAD to make sure he died.- Well, welcome to a place more dangerous than Hell itself. Just thought I'd be giving you a welcome.

-So, you're a mercenary?

-That depends. Who am I working for, exactly? Who are you, what are you doing here, what's your stance on treasure?

-If you really must know, I'm following some thieves, they stole something, and I want it back. As for treasure, I've got no interest in it.- he said. No lies. Of course, that meant he'd make sure he died.

-So you're a bounty hunter?- he smirked. He did that a lot.

-No, not exactly. I'm more of an official agent.- Hansel shrugged. "Though indentured servant would be more exact..."

-Oh. You must be expendable, then, if they sent you here...- he grinned.

Hansel took a deep breath.

-If you don't like his attitude...- Rehsams smiled.- I could start now...

-I see you found a starving meatshield already?- the man snorted. -Very good, Schlöngdorf.

-You got a problem with me?- Rehsams asked, tilting his head.

-Oh, look, he's sooo big. I'm sooo scared.- the man clicked his tongue.- For what good your muscles are going to do in the wild, you might as well bully someone before you go.

-That's enough, you two. Hansel frowned.- Mister, you were perceptive to say I'm expendable. But everything after that, and even a little before, has been completely needless disrespect. If you think Rehsam is useless in the wild, you should ask yourself how he got here in the first place. And calling him a starving meatshield was completely undeserved.

-He IS a starving meatshield. Look how quickly he flocked to you. It's the truth!- he chuckled.

-That's it...

The silence was getting thicker and thicker. A barfight was just over the horizon. Hansel kept Rehsams at bay with an arm.

-There's a name for people who tell those truths, mister.

-I'm just being honest.

-No, you're just being a jerk. There's a colossal difference, around the size your mouth's going to be when I'm done with...

-Oh, no, no you're not.- the barkeeper said, pulling a shotgun from under the counter. Schön looked... down the twin sawed-off barrels. He stood in silence for a moment. Then he lowered the arm that kept Rehsams at bay.

-Of course you've got a big enough mouth anyway.- Hansel said, without seemingly any intonation. His cold blood was amazing.- In any case, we're looking for people to join us on a trip to Frost Peak. Are you interested?

-Me? I'll steer clear of you stupid people, thank you.

"He dies tonight." Hansel thought to himself. Then he shook his head.

-As you will. Don't even bother telling me your name.- he said, turning back to the bar to finish his ale.

-You didn't ask!- the man exclaimed.

-Rehsams, sit with me. Let's discuss payment...

-Okay, what do you offer?

-Well, I've got three rubies. I need to hire five people, and arm them according to the occassion. So I guess I can afford to pay you... what's half of one ruby?- he grimaced.

Rehsams looked around, and then smiled, whispering into his ear.

-To tell you the truth, I've got no idea.

He withdrew his face. Then he shrugged.

-I just got here myself... I don't see what's everyone's obsession with these shiny gems. They're used as currency, but I don't know how much each is worth. It's been biting me in the ass ever since I got here...

-It happens.- Hansel shrugged. Then someone approached him from behind. Hansel turned around even before the person did any noise to call his attention.

-Yes?- Hansel asked.

-Heard you were going to Frost Peak.- the man said.- I'm going there too, we might be able to work together... besides, I need the money. Half a ruby sounds good to me, what do you say?

-Sounds good to me too. What can you do?- Hansel asked, breathing in.

-I'm a CQB specialist, my name's Joey.- the man said. He had fair skin, hazel eyes, dark hair, a skinny build, a green cap, a brown shirt, a camo vest, sun shades, and an accent Hansel couldn't place.

-Can you work with explosives?

-Explosives? I can, yes.

-Do you have any C4?

-C4? Where would I get it?- Joey asked, grinning.- This is Negav, there are things that aren't in stock. They don't have any C4 here in stock. Neither do they have TNT, before you ask.

-And nukes?

The man's smile turned to contempt for a split second.

-You've got some strange ideas... are you leading?

-Only until we find ourselves a guide.

-How are you planning on finding one?

-We'll see once we're five people.

-Why five?

-Why not?- Hansel shrugged.- Sounds good for me. So, you could work with explosives if you had them?

-Yes.

-Can you make explosives?

-What? I don't understand.

-ANFO ring any bells?

-ANFO? How do you know about ANFO? What have you been reading?

-Only a few manuals to pass the time. I've got... unorthodox reading tastes.

-Then I'll have to tell you something, mister... ANFO is useless without a primary explosive, and even then, I don't have any blasting caps. You haven't been reading very thoroughly, have you? Still, I'm quite the shot with a shotgun...

-Then you're in. Now we need a guide, a wizard, and perhaps some explosives...

-Let me give you a tip, don't bother with the explosives. What did you want explosives for, anyway?- Joey asked, tilting his head.

-I read about spine beetles, their tendency to swarm, and their generally invulnerable bodies... so I thought we'd need an explosive if we were to meet one such swarm.- Hansel admitted.

Joey snorted.

-At least you tried. So, any other tactics you wanted to share with us?

-Not really.- Hansel bragged with false modesty.- I did bring, however, a bottle of mineral water for if we meet that plant with the thirst pheromones, a jug of sulphuric acid, in case we have to cross a river with a toxotidas on it, so as to sear its gills and kill it, some healing potions for the aftermath with some of the lesser predators, a few potions that would increase a warrior's prowess and abilities ten times over, for an hour, were we to meet tonorions and needed to get the drop on them... it's been really expensive.

-Who are you, Batman?- Joey chuckled.- Of course it's expensive unless you're Bruce Wayne. But at least, you're the most prepared person I've ever met. I've got the feeling you could actually make it to Frost Peak, through Chidokai Forest... though you haven't told me why you'd want to go there in the first place.

Hansel raised his gaze.

-Well, look, I don't have anything if we meet a kensha beast, so I'm not sure I'm as prepared as I make it sound... but regarding your question, I'm following some thieves.

-And you just "happen" to know they're bound for Frost Peak? No, really, why are you going there?

-Because I received word that they're already somewhere in Frost Peak. It's very reliable.

Joey nodded.

-You're the boss. Okay, I'd love to get to Frost Peak too...

-YOU haven't told ME why YOU are trying to get to Frost Peak, by the way.

-Oh, I've got some folks there.- Joey shrugged.- I want to meet them.

"You're in league with those people I'm looking for, and you agreed to take this job because you're trying to spy on me. Very well. Let's play." he decided, silently. He hadn't seen through any bluffs, but he never did. He just assumed the worst from the beginning. It was a very optimistic attitude: no matter what, things always were looking up for him.

-If you say so...- Hansel smiled.- Well, we're three out of five. We'll need two more people, and a guide. One of those people has to be a wizard, for good measure...

-Oh, so now you're hiring wizards?- the insufferable guy from behind said.- How about me?

-You? I thought you weren't interested.

-Oh, I kept dropping in your conversation, actually.- He shrugged.- Turns out you're not half as blonde as you look; you actually had thought this through! I've got to say, I'm positively SHOCKED.- he chuckled a little.- You looked so stupid when you called out for mercenaries. Though hiring that man wasn't your smartest move either! I've seen better...

-So you're a sorcerer.- Rehsams interrupted.

-I've touched a nerve, haven't I?- the man with green hair asked, standing up.- For starters, I'm not a sorcerer. I'm a sorcerESS.- she added, accentuating the end.- That was your second mistake...

Rehsams giggled. Joey just smiled.

-So are you up to it? Is mercenary work good enough for you?

-No, but I'll make do.- she answered, standing up.- Just make sure you GO with your plan, do hire us a guide. And have backup plans. I haven't heard what you planned to do if something swallowed you.

-Count on him to kill whatever swallows me.- Hansel said, pointing at Rehsams.- Meanwhile, I'd be using the potions to try and give it trouble fighting back by yanking on its insides, or slicing at whatever looked softer than the rest.

-And if he's swallowed too?

-You're asking me for a plan in case we all get eaten before we can do anything?- Hansel raised his eyebrows.- I'm no miracle worker. If that happens, everyone better have a plan of their own too. I'm not your babysitter, if you're not up to any danger I don't need you.

-That was mean.

-Get over it. If you want safety, find a husband and a day job.- Hansel added, contemptfully.- Or a wife, I don't know if you can do that here.

-I just wanted to know how far ahead had you planned.

-Not too far, not far enough to save us all if we're stupid, mouthy, annoying, and unable to work together. Keep that in mind.

She looked at him, surprised.

-Well, at least you're self-conscious...- she shrugged.- Okay, that's a lot better than the last group I was with. I'll go with you... half a ruby is okay with me.

"Good." Hansel thought. "Those are three people I've got already, one is a sorceress, and one has a shotgun. I can't have explosives, I'll need a backup plan in case of spine beetle swarm... maybe I'll have to use these potions after all. Though I've got to say I don't have a plan in case we ACTUALLY got to Frost Peak... nothing past 'kill it with fire'. I need Joey to be hurt on the way, and I'll have to keep this sorceress alive until the end. I wonder how will Rehsams fare in the cold, though. He's pretty tan... rather tan, I mean. If he stays with us to the end, we'll have to find a way to keep him warm. I'll need some alcohol, thus, warm clothes, and climbing equipment."

-And your name is?

-Trish.

-Uh-huh. So, Trish, in places like this you never know what a wizard is. So tell me, what kind of witch are you?

-The dynamic kind.

-Never heard of it.

Trish looked away for a moment, thinking.

-Bigger effects require me to burn more power. That should be all the description you need.

-Aha. So, Trish, can you shoot fire?

-Who can't?- she chuckled.

-I can't, for instance. Okay, you three, get to know each other...- Hansel hit his knuckles together.- Because when we're on the wilds, we can't be talking. I don't want any epiphanies on the road, I don't want anyone to fall in love, we can't have any character development, and specially I don't want any fights. We'll try to be sneaky on the road, that means do your talking here and get it off your system already.

-So when are we leaving?- Joey asked.

-I'll give you until noon tomorrow after we find a fifth member and a guide.- Hansel raised his voice a bit.- We'll need a fifth member...

Someone yanked on his pants. He turned around, and saw... no one.

-Down here!- he heard. Looking down, he saw someone about as tall as his mid-thigh. With a green shirt... oh, right, the little kid. Probably jailbait... or large animal bait. Though come to think of it, he... no, wait a moment, something was wrong with the kid's head. The hair didn't let him see anything, but he had to check.

Hansel ran a hand around the kid's temple... noticing he had no ears behind the jawline. The kid staggered backwards.

-Let go of my hair!- he yelled. Hansel pursed his lips, noticing that something had perked up on the back of the kid's head. Tilting his head, he realized the kid wasn't human. Just like him... only that he didn't even look that human. He had frickin' cat ears on his head. Well, closer to nature.

-What's the matter, kid?- he asked, beginning to consider letting him join.

-Don't call me kid!- he yelled.- I'm not a kid!

-Nah, you're just short and creepy.- Hansel added, with a smirk.

-I'm not a kid, I'm a man.

-Then you must be the cutest man alive.- Hansel grinned, bending over a bit, his face looking stern for a moment.- And there can only be one.

-I'm not scared of you!- he exclaimed.- I'm very brave!- his face still had to agree with him, though.

Hansel shrugged, standing up back again.

-So you reckon you're tough enough to join us?- Hansel asked.

-Yes! I'm a real man! I'm very strong, and fast, and...

"And cute." Hansel thought. "Your mother will miss you. But let's give you a shot, if you're cute enough I might let you survive your own ego."

-How about this...- Hansel smiled.- You know, little kids like you just can't shut up. And we're going on a sneaky mission to take out the bad guys... so if you want to join us, I'll have to test you.

Joey paled. Trish shook her head, amazed. Rehsams seemed unadaunted, however.

-Bring it on!- the kid exclaimed, raising his fists.

-That's not the kind of test I'm talking about.- Hansel grinned.- You sit down with those three, we're all friends now... and if you can keep quiet until I come back, then you can come with us.

"Because if a man hunting fairies was eaten, you have no chance; the fact you're alive means there's something special about you. And they'll find out for me."

Trish looked at Hansel, frowning.

-Can we talk for a moment?- she asked, angrily. Hansel nodded.

-You sit down there, kid. Let's talk, Trish.

The kid sat down, looking as tough as he could, in the company of the specialist and the sand warrior. Trish grabbed Hansel's arm, and almost dragged him away.

-What are you doing!? He's just a kid!- Trish exclaimed.

-Yes, I know.- Hansel nodded, smiling.- He's probably slower than the rest of us.

-So it's okay for him to die!? He could have family, his mother could be looking for him, and you're trying to drag him into a deadly mission?

-He came on his own.

-He has no idea what he's getting into! He just thinks you're cool and that it's a lot of money!- Trish growled.- You can't be serious...

-I wanted to talk to you about that, too.- Hansel said, taking a deep breath.- I'm not as comfortable with using him as a decoy as it looks. Even if he isn't human.

-You're not human either, you hypocrite!

-No, but I'm paying everyone to protect me, so, you know...- Hansel shrugged.- If you want to help him, then there's a really easy way: just sit with him, and make him talk. I was serious: if he talks, I won't let him come with us. I have no need for mouthy kids in the wild. Make him talk, you can do that to save a kid, can't you?- he grinned.

Trish pursed her lips, frowning.

-You're sick...- she said, shaking her head.

"Oh, I am... you know what, make it talk, you'll fall in love with it." Hansel grinned. "And when you do, I'll just hire it and you'll come too, lest it die without you doing anything about it. Unless it has parents you can talk into keeping it home but something tells me that's not the case."

Hansel contained the burning desire to laugh maniacally. He always felt so smart when playing people, even if it seldom worked. So he pursed his lips in pretended annoyance, and shook his head, leaving.

-I'll be back with a guide.- he said.- Take your time and meet your partners.

======

Coming next chapter...

HANSEL GETS PWNED!
http://devastar.deviantart.com/art/HANSEL-PWNED-144548373

Hansel VS Felarya Part 4- CETAVTAS (Contains Explicit Tactics And Virgins Talking About Sex)

Before the end of the day, Hansel had found a guide. Another dude with cat ears, red hair, swarthy skin, and three inches taller than him too. Called himself Tandy.

Yes, that guy could get them through Chidokai, but then they'd have to get through Frost Peak alone... so it was safe to kill the guide only after finding the mangroves on the flooded eastern side. He made a mental note of that.

Then he returned to the tavern, where the two guys, that woman and the kid were chatting away. The kid had failed the test... but the sorceress' face was sad, which meant that he could hire that cutie anyway. Which was good.

-So how's everyone doing?- he asked. Never having been particularly good at icebreakers, Hansel didn't even try.

-I can't believe you!- Rehsams exclaimed, wide-eyed, at the kid.- No, seriously... Hansel, he says he's seventeen.

-I AM seventeen!- the kid exclaimed.- My brother became a wandering swordsman at my age!

-Old enough for me.- Hansel grinned.- So, you're seventeen!

-Yes, I'm already a man! Even if no one believes me!- it exclaimed.

-And do you have a name, "man"? Or just a cute face?

-My name's Will.

-How fitting, Will. Do you have any medical conditions that justify your extremely high saccharine content?

-Sorry?

-Extremely high saccharine content. Sweet enough to cause caries. Sugar enough to numb a tongue. Melts in your presence, not in your mouth. Just being so awfully cute...- Hansel grinned.- Are you a wizard masquerading as a boy? Or what?

Will looked away.

-Yes, I'm only half-neko.

-Neko?- Hansel grimaced.

-The guys with the ears.- Rehsams said, pantomiming cat ears.

-Oh. Well, we'll get along just fine... I'm only half-human myself.- he grinned.- What's your other half?

-Tiny.

-What a coincidence! My other half's tiny too.- Hansel smirked.

-Really?- Will asked, raising an eyebrow.

-Yes, my father's name is Tiny.- he chuckled, grinning.- I know what it's like being a mongrel. I promise you I'll teach you everything I know.

-Really?- Will asked, looking elated.

"Who knows... you might grow on me, Will. You sure know how to capitalize on your cuteness... and you deceived them with that stupid lie, that you're half tiny... whatever that is."

-Mmm... I don't know...- Hansel giggled.- Take your time to meet the others, then. Forget about my test, it was stupid anyway... from tomorrow on, you'll be a real man.

-Great!- Will exclaimed.

-Can we talk, again?- Trish exclaimed, almost resigned.

-Go, Will.- Hansel said, standing up. When Will turned around, he realized that Will... had a TAIL. That detail left him staring for a while, to the bemusement and horror of everyone who looked at him. Trish took him away again.

-What's the matter with you!?- she exclaimed.- You can't let him in, he's just a kid.

-Why not? I started working at his age.

-He's a freaking midget. You can't really expect him to...

-He's not a kid. Stop treating him like one.- Hansel answered.- You said it, he's a midget, not a kid. Even if he's a midget that looks exactly like a kid. And midgets are people too.- Hansel grinned.- Do you have any other complaints?

-How can you do that? His parents...

-Does he have parents?

-Yes, he does. He told me so.

-What do they think?

-Doesn't matter! He can't come with us, Hansel.

-But what YOU think matters? I know he's cute. He doesn't let it get to him. Maybe you shouldn't either.

-This is not about him being cute, it's about him being...

-He's not a kid. That's where it ends, missy.- Hansel added, with false scorn. He saw her point. It was just too much fun pretending he didn't.

-He's not ready for this. And you know it.- Trish nodded.- You can't just go around using people.

-I don't know if he's not ready...

-He's only got guts. Nothing more, just his guts.- Trish said, grimacing.- I can't abide you endangering his life...

-Well, there are two things you can do. You can keep pestering me, or you can try to protect him. My decision's taken.

-You don't care about him! You just want to use him, because he's too naïve to see what you're getting at!- Trish exclaimed. Then she turned towards Will.- It's the truth.- she frowned.- As anyone here could tell you, if they weren't too busy pretending they didn't notice...

-Let's do this, Will. Come to my room this night. I'll fix you up a big surprise.- Hansel smiled.

Trish looked at him, her disgust very visible.

-What exactly are you trying to prove with this... aberration?

-That you've got a dirty mind, of course...

======

As it turns out, Will was really surprised when he knocked on Hansel's door. He was expecting a pervert from Hell, but it turned out Hansel had different plans... and when he saw the stack of books, Will realized he'd rather have met that pervert.

-What's that, child porn?

-No, Will. I told you I'd teach you everything I know, so here we are.

-You... aren't expecting me to read all those books, are you?- he asked, a bit scared.

-No. Don't be scared, I'm not planning on having sex with you. It's just Trish annoyed me too much, and I want to make sure you're as safe as possible.

-Shouldn't everyone be there?

-I count on them to take care of themselves. But you... are different. Come in?

-Different. Is that because I look like a little kid?

-It's because I talked to Joey and Rehsams. What skills do you have?

-Skills?- he exclaimed.- Well, I'm very brave...

-Characteristics.- he interrupted.- I want to know what SKILLS you have. What do you do for a living?

-I help my mother at the store...- he shrugged.

-So you're unemployed. Have you studied?

-My mom taught me how to read and write...

-So no. Do you fight a lot? How?

-I've gotten into a lot of fights, I'm really tough...- he exclaimed, happily. Hansel was dismissive.

-You're tough? So you lose a lot, no fighting skills, then. Can you do anything useful?

-I catch bugs...- he said, in a low voice.- Okay, I get it, you think I'm useless!- he exploded.- It's okay, you don't have to hire me!

-You're wrong.- he smiled.

-What?

-How can I put this. When I looked your age, I was like you. A bit worse off, though... I wasn't that cute. I think I've got a picture here...- he reached in his pocket, and showed Will a picture of a porky young kid with tooth irons, whose pale skin was punctuated by acne, and whose stringy light brown hair was a complete mess.- But I discovered I had a strength no one else had. You see, they say we only use ten percent of our brain, and using more will give us an advantage. I disagree. Anyone can tell you we use ALL of our brain, but we certainly only use ten percent of our time. In using a hundred percent of my time, I became ten times more powerful. And I'm going to show you how to do the same thing.

-Cool!

-There are millions of things out there in the wilds. But we've got an advantage... when they meet us, they'll have a minute to fight. But we'll have that minute plus those eight hours. We'll put those eight hours in a bottle and then drink it when we need it. So I thought you could help me, or at least watch me... because we need to do the right things in those eight hours. Each tactic we devise is one predator which will go hungry... or die. At our hands. Yours, and mine. I won't do anything you couldn't do, Will. I promise.

He nodded, smiling.

-That's great! What do we do?

-We anticipate.- he grinned.- Let's start. Suppose we were attacked by a swarm of tonorions while on a tall branch... what do you think we should do?

======

The extreme example only served to break the kid's ego a bit. Afterwards they planned for more realistic examples. Such as how to deal with a glouteaux on a tall branch (a snare would do), or in a tangle of branches (one person acting as a decoy while someone else went for the eyes, which would give them an advantage to walk away), on the ground (using trip wire and then smashing its head off), or on the water (just wait 'till it drowned), a contingency in case it knew how to swim (tie a hoop around its neck from the shore, then tie it to a tree), and a swift response in case of ambush (scatter, then converge with ultimate prejudice to save the one who inevitably would be eaten).

But glouteaux were only one of the too many hazards in the rainforest. And as the book put it, knowing how to handle one wasn't an impressive feat. If they were ready to take on tonorions while ambushed on their sleep in a narrow tall spot, THAT was the bare minimum to impress the book.

Hansel expected the guide to identify any dangerous plant at sufficient distance to get the first strike or avoid them, except for a species of tree with animate roots, or a dryad, which he had no illusions about being able to identify, so they'd just have to stay away from any roots, and keep at least three fire sources available to distract a dryad. Joey and flamer shells were the backup source (though he couldn't consistently rely on them, they'd run out eventually), Trish and fire spells were the main, renewable source, Hansel had a large jug of sulphuric acid as a third safeguard, and he expected the guide to have a plan if everything else failed. Even though the guide would probably just take Will, Rehsams, and run away. Hansel advised Will to go with that if worst came to worst.

Kensha beasts were Hansel's main worry. He admitted to being afraid of wolves, lions, and any large carnivore that had the wits to hunt in groups. So Hansel thought they'd have to keep on ground as high as possible while fighting them, and hurt them plenty.

-Hurt them plenty?- he asked.- That's silly, of course we'll try to kill them.

-I meant hurt, not kill. Like pulling on their hair, or gouging out their eyes.- he shook his head.- I've got a stun gun, and Joey has flamer rounds, but I don't know how many bullets can his shotgun hold. Converting a few shells to rock salt shot might be more effective, though... also, we'll have to kill or permanently cripple at least two of them, or they'll just follow our scent and come back shortly after, just angrier.- Hansel shivered.- Joey has our firearms... if he's busy setting them on fire, he can't really kill them. I don't know if we'd be able to finish them off, even if we leave them blind, with salt on their wounds, and on fire. I think Rehsams and I could finish off one each, but only if they stay long enough for us to do so. That's where you come in... I've got just the weapon for you.- he said, opening a drawer, and pulling out, before Will's amazed eyes...

...a length of rope.

-Are you serious?- he grimaced.

-I'm serious. I wouldn't put pointy edges on a kid's hands.- he chuckled.

-I'm not a kid!

-And this is not a toy, so you'll get along just fine. Do you know how to do a bow tie?

-Why, would I look cute with one?

-Yes. But that's not the point. The knot in a bow tie is the same one used for hanging people... or catching wild animals. If you try to run away, it tightens... around your neck, if that's what it catches. Then you use the rope to pull your foe down.

-Great!

-Of course, in your case, you're not going to do that. They'd just drag you with them, you're not in their weight cathegory. That's why you're going to practice knots tonight. I want you to practice the hangman's knot until you get the hang of making a solid knot, really fast. And then, you'll try to make a standard knot as fast as you can, with the other end of the rope. When we're trying to kill a kensha beast, you'll be the one who catches it, and forces it to make a stand. Got that, Will? It's up to you that we can kill it. And you're going to do it...- he handed him the rope.- with this. Are you man enough to use a rope, Will?

-Damn right I am, mister.- he exclaimed, acting all tough. "He's too damn cute." Hansel thought. "He won't last a second... but it can't hurt to teach him a couple ways to be useful to me."

-Okay, Will, I'll show you. First, to make sure you've got everything you need, you grab the end of the rope with one hand, and take the rope softly with your other hand. Then you spread your arms, like this. See where your other arm is? You'll put a knot right there. Now put another knot, at that same distance from the first. This way, it'll be easier to work with the rope. Now watch... Do you have your knots done?

Will tied two knots.

-Well done, Will. Now look carefully, because this has to be done really quickly, before anyone figures out what you're up to. First, you hold the rope loose. Then you loop the end of the rope just after the knot, twice, and tie it all together.- Hansel smiled.- That's all you need to know about how to make a hangman's knot. Now watch what happens when someone is caught in a hangman knot.- Hansel placed his arm inside the loop. Then he pulled the rope; the loop snagged firmly around his arm.- See? I'm caught. If this were on the ground, and I stepped on it, it'd be my end. And you can do it too. Just make sure your knot is really firm. It even works against creatures without legs! Though not as a snare, of course, and you've got to tie it very firmly around their necks, then around a tree. If you're strong enough, you can kill someone with this knot, just tying it around their neck, and pulling them into the air, letting their own weight break their necks. It makes a really satisfying crunch.- He grinned.

He listened, morbidly fascinated.

-Of course, that'll occupy your hands this night. But we still have to occupy your brain, and that means we'll have to keep planning horrible deaths for everything that Felarya can throw at us. Most battles are decided before a single blow is landed, they say, and it's better to decide them yourself without telling anyone, I say.

-Haha!- he chuckled, happy as a puppy. He began working on his knots, trying to make them as firm as he could...

-On that note, Will... I don't have a plan for drakewillow nexolts. I found the bird's habits on a book, but I have no idea what does it do when there's no ripe fruit on the forest.

-Hunt?- he asked, shrugging.- That's what everything else does, so I guess it's what it'll do. Only without ripe fruit... whatever that means.

-According to this book- he showed him the manual he was using-, the drakewillow nexolt will shake drakewillow trees, then hide in the tree's foliage and eat those who pass under.

-We'll have to look for big birds in the foliage, then, and if there is one, shoot it.- Will smiled.- In case we don't see any, we'll know for sure when one of us goes missing and doesn't answer a shout.

-Well thought, Will. And if it is an ambulatory predator, we'll see it. I'm counting on your eyes and ears too.

-Really? I mean, uh, of course.- he blushed.

Hansel didn't bother answering.

-Okay, that does it for drakewillow nexolts. Now there's something that I'm troubled about... spine beetles.

-Oh, I know those. They're big, strong, and hungry.

-Yes, and very durable unless you slice into a joint. They also act in swarms, in which case we are screwed. Here it says they only act in concert when attacked, but a thousand-strong swarm could surround us very easily. I thought that maybe using two packs of explosives, one to push them away from us, towards the other, and one for showering them with shrapnel we'd be able to turn them into carrion at best, disorient them at worst.

-And?

-And we don't have any explosives, so... we need a different strategy. How do we face a thousand ten foot large beetles?

-One by one?

-Listen, Will: A thousand people, we can't kill. Those beetles, of course, will be worse.- he rhymed.

-Then we make them better, I suppose.

-Better? Oh, I see! You're already learning, kid... now I just wonder if they're primarily auditive or visual.

-What do you mean?

-I can improvise a blinding grenade, that's why. All I need is magnesium, and something to set it on fire with. There's a problem, though... the light would certainly blind us, and I'm not sure if it would blind them. If they're primarily olfactive or auditive, on the other hand... there's nothing I can do. Except see which one of us guys runs the slowest...

Will nodded.

-Well, is there anywhere they wouldn't follow us?

-Into the water, I guess... but the water has its own dangers.

-Such as?

-Well, the toxotidas, and the exovole, among others. The toxotidas is a fish that throws you into the water before trying to eat you, and the exovole... is a fish that can fly out of the water to try and eat you. The toxotidas is slow, but so are we in the water, me specially, and the exovole is... very fast. I've got no idea how would I kill one if I were to fall into the water. But what worries me the most are the mermaids.

-Oh, you finally got there!- he grinned.- I was wondering when would we get to the fun part.

-Fun part?- he grimaced.

-The predators that are both the biggest and the cutest, Hansel. They're the fun and unique thing about Felarya. I'd bet you're hurting to see one, aren't you?

He shook his head.

-I'm not pathetic enough to be enthusiastic about being eaten, no matter how cute she is. I'm not afraid of whores when I'm needy.- he said. Thankfully, no one paid him any attention. Not even Will.

-You're lying. Why are you in Felarya, then?- he grinned.

-Because some people here have something that doesn't belong to them, and the real owner wanted me to get it back.- Will looked at him, very surprised.

-Then they must be paying you really well.- he shrugged.

-Not really, no.

-Wow... you're weird.

Hansel shook his head.

-And I don't mean just that you look like Jack Frost with a wig, you're also weird on the inside. You're thinking all the time about killing things and keeping things from killing you, you like whores, and you admit to it.

-That's because I'm actually Frank Miller.- Hansel joked.- In a Batman costume.

-No, you look more like the Joker.

Hansel looked at the kid. He was smiling.

-But what's weirdest about you is that you're in Felarya and you don't like it.

-I've got work, I told you.

-Why didn't you quit? This place will kill you.

-Why did YOU take the job, then, young man?- Hansel let out, a bit annoyed.

-Because we all have to die sometime, don't we? I won't die of old age, I won't die of disease, so it's either starvation or being killed.

-And you want to die?

He lowered his eyes for a moment.

-It's more complex than that...

Hansel shook his head.

-This job's the only thing I'm good for, young man.- he said. His heart wasn't on it, though.

-Ah, okay.- he answered, shaking his head. Obviously, Hansel didn't want to argue about that.

-So what should we do if faced with a mermaid, or an exovole? The only weapons that work well underwater are crossbows and spears.

-Do you have one?

-No. And I don't know how to use them, nor think they'd do any good. My only tactic for the rivers is poisoning the water.

Will looked at him.

-That's bad.

-Yes, I know...

-No, you're bad! You can't poison the water, you'll kill all the fish!

-But if I don't poison it, the fish will all kill me.

-Doesn't matter, you shouldn't use poison. It's bad.

Hansel didn't want to argue. So instead of replying "why?" he hummed.

-So if we see a river, we'd better run away.- he joked.- That said, we still don't have a tactic for beetles.

-We'll ask the others. Maybe they can help.- Will said, getting the hangman's knot right for the first time.- Look, I did it!

-Well done. Now practice making a solid knot, one you can pull on and won't be unmade on its own.

-But it's solid! Oh, look. I'll try again.

-So you want to go over the larger, cuter predators now?- he smiled.

-Yes!

-Okay. Fairies. I was thinking that we could tie them down, and leave them for some other predator to eat.

-And if they shrink you?- Will asked, smiling. Hansel turned almost violently.

-Are you saying I need a psychiatrist?

-Not shrink-SHRINK you, but SHRINK-shrink you. They make you three inches tall. Then they eat you.

Hansel blinked.

-Oh, that. They can do that? I thought it was an embellishment in the book to fit a pattern...

-Oh yes they can, mister. And they can grow up to a hundred feet tall, they can really do that too.- Will's eyes lighted up as he saw him tilt his head in response. -Ah, you found that kinky!- he smirked.- Didn't you? Come on, admit it! We're both men here.

Hansel hummed in annoyance.

-You're a pest.

-You're blushing, and you're crossing your legs! You DID find it kinky...

-What's so funny?

-Nothing. Young man, I think you'll love Felarya.- Will giggled.

-Don't call me young. I'm twice your age.

-Come on, you can tell me about all your likes and dislikes. I'm old enough, and I want to talk...

-Maybe I don't feel comfortable discussing it with you, have you thought of that?- he growled.

-Okay, you don't have to yell. Geez. Pull the stick out of your ass already!

-How about this... let's do something productive instead of discussing about my alleged macrophilia.

-Is that what you kids are calling it those days?

-So if we met a fairy...

-You already said it, we'll die, but you'll die happy!- Will chuckled.

-And if I don't want to die?

-Then what do you want?

-To fulfill this mission and leave this accursed world where perpetual jailbait teases me.

-Geez. All work and no fun make you a dull boy.

-They make me a tough guy, too.

-Tough? So you haven't won any fights, zero fighting skills.- he quoted, grinning overjoyed.

-Okay, enough about the fairies...- he hissed.- Let's talk about the slug people.

-Slug girls. They're called slug girls. You can say girls, I won't tell.- Will giggled.

-Okay, slug girls, and slug boys.

-No, there aren't any slug boys. They're all girls.

-How does that work?- he tried to put on a convincing frown.

-They're like garden slugs. Do you know garden slugs?

-No... there weren't many slugs where I grew up. I saw a few pictures, but nothing more.

-Well, a slug is both a boy and a girl. So all slug girls can make more little slug girls.- he answered, smiling.

He nodded.

-Interesting, I didn't know that.- he said.

-Don't you think it's hot? I mean, it's always girl on girl action with them...

"You're getting less cute with every passing second..."

-How do we kill them?- he finally asked.

-You already want to kill them?

Hansel shook his head.

-I expected too much from you.- he shook his head, then he took a book, and went through the index... until he found what he was looking for.

-Here it is. Slug women can...

-Slug GIRLS. You can say it, it's the name, you're not being slimy.

-I know, but...

-Are you scared of girls?- Will grinned.

-No.- his displeasure was visible.- Unless they are fifty foot tall, dripping with slime, and want to kill me.

-They don't want to kill you, they just want to eat you. Because you're cute and tasty.

-You seem a bit too enthusiastic about me being eaten, Will... and let's not ask ourselves who's the cutest here. I'm not cute.

-Me neither. That's what I keep telling the girls. They say I'm as cute as it gets, what with having not changed in the last seven years... I wish I had, you know? I wish I had grown up, gotten all big and ugly and furry... rather than... the alternative. The girls in my neighborhood all grew up, you should see it... their melons are bigger than me.- he shrugged.- And I can't... well, you know, I want, but I can't...- he grimaced.- You know, do it.

-It? Oh, right, you can't have sex, because your penis isn't sufficiently developed to maintain an erection for sufficient time after penetrating a vagina.- Hansel said, pursing his lips in disgust.

Will raised his eyebrows, mouth agape.

-What? We can say penis, and sex, and erection, and vagina, as you've put it. I can say pussy, and dick, and asshole too...

-I know, I know... You're beginning to learn. There may yet be hope for you, Hansel. See you tomorrow, I need my beauty rest.

-What the hell, you little bastard? We've still got to work on the other predators...

-Yes, but you'll need some alone time with the pictures and your right hand.

-You know that's not what's...

-I trust you, you can handle this on your own.- the kid answered, smiling. Hansel shrugged to himself.

-Okay, go get some sleep. Tell Trish I'm not a pedophile while you're at it.

-Oh, I'll tell my crew all about your little phobias and your big philias...- Will chuckled, leaving the room. Hansel's jaw was the one hanging down now.

Was he looking for this result? Or did it come on its own? Nevertheless, he was starting to like this kid. He could be fucking abusive or seriously cute when he wanted to... and he had a healthy distaste for other people's feelings. Maybe he was a daemon sent by the house? No way to tell if that was the case. But still, with no one to bounce ideas with, he had a lot of work to do.

After finding vague ways to beat members of some major races, he was starting to get light-headed by the time he discarded a tenth way to kill a naga, and when he noticed he had no more ammo for his neurones to fire, he had just failed to find a way around spine beetles... again. So he slumped on his bed, took off his chestplate, and waited for Morpheus' embrace. The next day they'd be leaving by noon.

"I only hope Will is not a bad influence on me..." he joked to himself. But he didn't laugh... it had been a waste of a good joke which he hadn't had anyone to tell to. That put him in a sour mood before sleep came.

======

I had a spoiler image for the next chapter, but the scanner I was counting on... isn't working, so well... we'll meet again.

Next chapter...
KAEDE STRIKES AGAIN!

Hansel VS Felarya Part 5- In case of Zombie Plague

He woke up shortly after, when the sunlight landed on his face. The alarm clock had failed; it was already 8:14 AM and he had only a few more minutes before the bus arrived! He yelped a little, and immediately jumped off the bed, taking off his pajamas, putting on his school uniform as quickly as he could. He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror, the acne, his eyes seemingly too large for his head, his skinny, skinny arms, his tiny chin barely coming up to the doorknob... Then he left the room, and ran down the stairs towards the kitchen.

-Mom, I'm gonna be late!- he exclaimed, looking up at her. His mother was as beautiful as ever, with her golden mane of hair, her pale pink skin, and that halo of divine beauty she wore in every picture. Dad was reading the newspaper, sitting, his clawed feet not reaching the floor. His tail waggled to the sides.

"Mom? But... she died when I was born!" he thought.

-Geez, those clowns in the Congress again...- Dad frowned, lowering the newspaper, allowing his son to see his face. It was something between a rat and a hawk, maybe more like a slick version of Alf with golden skin and bloodshot eyes. Unlike him or Mom, he was naked...- Monster, make haste, you're gonna be late.

"Yeah, that's Dad."

-Yes, I was up late doing my homework last night, and then the alarm clock broke...- he answered, walking up to the cupboard, opening it, and pulling out some frosted oats.

-Easy, easy, monster, I'm not your teacher!- Dad joked.- Save it for her.

-Tiny, you're too soft on him.- Mom said.- You should've done it before, Hansel, and you know it...

-Mom, it's too late for that, now I've got to work with what I have.- he answered, taking the milk from the fridge, placing it on the table.

"Well said, monster."

-You shouldn't if you had done it on due time...

-It's not the right time for that...- Hansel added, hastily pulling out a bowl and a spoon from the cupboard.

-Hans, you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.- she said.- Watch out, you're moving too fast, you'll break something...

-I'm okay, mom.- Hansel said, sitting down and sprinting through breakfast as quickly as possible.

-At least you did all your homework, didn't you?- mom asked.- You won't pass sixth grade like that.

-It's okay, mom...- he said, but then he almost choked on the next spoonful of frosted oats.- I'm okay!

"I didn't do all my homework, actually... I can only hope those answers didn't matter..."

-You're not nervous about anything, are you?- Dad grinned.

-No, I'm okay, I'm okay...- Hans shrugged. He had just remembered he hadn't been able to answer half the questions.

-You got all your questions?

-Yeah...- Hansel smiled, weakly.

-That's good, those were some darn tough questions... not even I could've planned a good counter for a tonorion ambush.

-Or a giant naga.- Mom said.- I didn't know there was a way to fight them. What subject is that homework?

-Safety tactics. It's my favourite subject...

"At least, now it is."

Then he finished his breakfast. He took his backpack, and checked... all the homework he had been able to do was there, he'd probably be able to copy some of the rest from a friend while on the bus. Speaking of which, it was honking already.

-Bye, mom, bye, dad!- Hansel grinned, running towards the bus. He could do it... someone should have the answers on the bus...

-Bye, son! Stay away from the sun!

-And don't get eaten by a giant naga!- Mom added.

"Mom? What did you say?"

[...]

On the bus, he sat down alone, as he always did. The other kids were jerks when it came to funny-looking people, like his acne-ridden albino younger self. Still, he had only one way out of getting a low mark on his homework, and he better get to work. He turned, looking around. Someone should've done their homework... Will? No, highly unlikely. Hansel bailed Will out of his laziness, it didn't work the other way around. He had tried. Amy Len? She was the most troubled person in the class, so maybe it could be. He had never approached her before.

"I'm curious... I never knew any girl called Amy... why is this in my dream?"

He stood up, and approached her. She looked at him.

-Yes?- she asked.

-Greetings, Amy... may I sit here? There's something I need to ask you.- Hansel said, trying not to smile too much.

-Sure, why not.

He sat down.

-Amy, did you do the safety tactics homework?

-Yes, I did, why?

-Look... I had some problems, and I couldn't... this class is really important to me, so, just this once, could I...- he leaned in.- copy your answers?

Amy seemed to think about it for a moment.

-Hmm, okay.- she replied, taking a small notebook from her backpack, opening it near the middle, and showing him the notes. She had completed her homework 100%. Well, almost. He saw the missing entries. He could reciprocate the attention, he thought, he could share his findings with her on how to deal with opal mingos. But then he looked at her findings...

"ARGH!" the dreamer thought to himself. "And I thought I had it, too..."

-Amy...- he stuttered.- You... are you... you...?

-Yes?- she asked, with a straight face.

-Amy, this wouldn't work. "Shrink it and then eat it"? "Fly away"? "Grow to 110 feet tall, and then eat it"? Your answer to a tonorion ambush was "fly away"! And your spine beetle swarm answer was "eat them all"! How would you do all those things? How would anyone do that?- he asked, frowning.

-It's pretty easy once you get the gist of it.- Amy answered, still straight-faced.

Hansel sighed.

-Well, nevermind. Thanks anyway... guess your answers just won't do it for me.

-Sorry about that.

-Oh, the answer to opal mingos is one word long: shotgun.

-Thanks, I guess... By the way, Hansel... where are you from?

-I'm from here.- he answered.

Amy chuckled.

-No, really... you've got the weirdest accent, ever.

"Oh, well, that happened often." the dreaming Hansel thought. "I had a weird accent in weird accent-land..."

-Look who's talking.- he growled. Back when girls had started noticing accents, he had started growling most of his words.

"I can't believe this..." the dreaming Hansel thought. "Those questions I made myself should be answerable by thirty different kids a third of my age!? This is outrageous..."

[...]

And once at school, with no one he wanted to copy the remaining answers from, he looked at Will. He was reading a magazine that had two nagas in the cover. And they were... naked.

-What's that?- Hansel asked.

-Lobsters.- Will winked.- You know... want to see some booty?

-I've got other things in mind right now, Will. Did you do the safety homework?

-Safety? Oh, yes.- Will said, showing him his safety tactics notebook. Hansel read through it, quickly... knowing how to defeat a spine beetle swarm had become almost personal for him. But then he realized Will had the same answer for everything, from the Abyssal Slug to the Volasaurus.

-Rip and tear its guts?- Hansel groaned.- Why didn't I think of that...

-Yes, this was the easiest homework ever!- Will grinned.- It was plenty of fun, too. Though I wouldn't want to rip and tear a naga's guts. They're too pretty.

-"Pretty"?

-Yes, look.- Will said, handing him over the magazine, with a wink and a tilt of his head. Hansel hated that gesture... but Will delivered what he promised. Yes, the nagas in the magazine were... he never had bothered to find words that described that. But he wouldn't mind getting eaten once or twice.

"Which is why you'd have died and I'll live." the dreamer thought.

A few minutes later, the teacher appeared, and Hansel had to hide the magazine under his desk. She was so beautiful, with that raven black, short hair, and those black eyes, and that mouth. Small, with thin, pink, glossy, ellastic, smooth lips... tan skin, an ample bosom, a thin waist, and generous curves all over...

-Hello, students.

-Hello, Miss Kaede.- everyone said. Including him.

-Okay, kids, take out your homework. I want to know what would you do if confronted with a...- she looked straight at him. He felt shivers, and blood rushed to his face.

She licked her lips. For once he saw her tongue, and its shape and mobility were sending impure thoughts down from his spine.

-Hansel, what would you do if confronted with a nemesis?- she asked. He was starting to have trouble breathing.

-Err... a nemesis?- Hansel asked.

-Yes. What do you do when you meet a nemesis?- the teacher asked, smiling. That smile was making it hard to concentrate; a part of him was stiffening, and the rest was melting. He could barely even think over her mouth.

-I...- Hansel blinked, his vision turning blurry.- I don't know what a nemesis is, teacher...- he gasped.

"Nemesis? What's this about? I wasn't that much of a dork! This isn't me... but damn, she's sexy."

All of a sudden, the teacher stretched backwards. Her mouth opened, giving him a sighting of her smooth, white teeth. He was now close to dream meltdown temperature... any more of that, and he'd have to change his underwear in the morning.

-You don't?- she asked. Then she pouted, and his heart skipped a beat as she leaned forward, offering her cleavage for everyone to see. She stood up, and approached his desk... he, as a kid, sitting down, found her positively huge...

-You didn't do your homework, then?

-I did everything I could, I swear I wanted to do more...

-What's this?- she asked, placing a hand on the space under his desk. She pulled out...

...Will's lesbian naga porn. She took a heavy breath, thrusting out with her chest, then sighed for a bit too long, the air leaving her slowly as she reddened a bit. The kid wanted to hide under a rock and die.

"I like where this is going... I bet she screws him on the desk afterwards..." the dreamer thought. "Pity I'm just a little kid there, because the real me would be awesome, baby... you need a real man."

-I agree.- she said.- You should've done your homework on nemesises, Hansel. Come with me, you're in detention.

"You can keep me on detention for as long as it takes, baby. I've been a naughty, naughty boy..."

She grabbed his arm, and pulled him up. He stumbled, trying to hide the rocket in his pocket. But she made too much haste, and pulled him out of the classroom, then going to the detention room, where she sat behind the desk and motioned for him to sit opposite her. He rubbed his arms, this close to curling up into a fetal position and dying already. She opened the magazine.

"Oh, shut up and screw already, you two! This is MY dream!"

-I know. Dreamy, am I not?- Kaede grinned.- Why is it you didn't do your homework? Mmm, this is some good stuff you had.

-I did do my homework...

-Don't lie to me!- she said, leaning back on her chair. The dream got so hot it started getting moist.- You didn't even know what a nemesis is. I'm shocked, youngster, shocked! Oh, god, is it hot in there...- she took off her overcoat, showing a narrow tank top with horizontal stripes, leaning back her head. He saw her long neck, her throat, with its pristine skin and its smooth curves... she drew a finger towards it, and it got so moist and hot the kid started sweating. Then she turned back to the mag.

-I'm sorry, but...

-What was it so important that you couldn't do your homework on nemesis?- she asked, angrily. Dear lord, angry she was even sexier.

-I can't tell you. It's a secret.

She turned the page, and tilted the magazine with a smile. Then she sighed.

-You were too busy wanting to get eaten, is that it?- she winked.

-No...!- he stammered.- That... that... that's Will... n... not mine...

-It's not yours? I'm so disappointed... and I thought you were a man already.- she pouted.- Well, if this wasn't what kept you busy, what did?

-It's a secret.

-Nothing's gonna happen here until you tell me.

The kid looked on the verge of tears, seriously this time. He stammered for a moment.

-No, I... I shouldn't tell you, it's a secret. The hou... Mom would be mad at me...

-Then we'll stay like this forever!- she exclaimed, turning another page.- We're not going anywhere, you're not getting close to me.

-But... but...

"GET ON WITH IT ALREADY, MOTHERFUCKER! TELL HER WHAT SHE WANTS TO KNOW!"

The kid started curling up, tears starting to form in his eyes.

-Teacher, it's too hot in there...- he sobbed.

-Oh, is it? Poor little kid...- she cooed, standing up, walking up to a window, and opening it. An air current flowed in, giving the kid a little relief.

Then Kaede moaned her heart out, raising back the temperature.

-Wh... is it?- he asked in a hasty screech.

-Wow... I can't... oh, god...- she moaned.- There are two girls, get up and take a look at this...

Hansel shook his head quickly, trying to cover his stiffle.

-No...- he screeched, or whispered.

-But Hansel, you HAVE to see this, you're a boy! I can't let you miss it!

Hansel curled up a little more, around the little thing he was trying to hide. She walked up to him.

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.- he lied.

-Then get up, dammit, you've got to look at this!- she said, grabbing his arm, and pulling. Hansel shook her off, she tried to grab his armpit, and pulled; he didn't cooperate, and finally, she gave up.

-You're very heavy, you know?- she complained.- Okay, I'll tell you what you're missing...

"IDIOT!"

-One of them is five foot six, she's got long blonde hair, and the purest teal blue eyes you'll ever see. Her breasts are ample and full, fitting ever so snugly into her white shirt. She wears red shorts, almost insufficient to contain her juicy buttocks. She moans softly...-

Kaede gasped for a little.

-...as her lover runs her hand lower across her back, until it finally reaches the point where is starts slipping under her shorts. She breaks their embrace, and slides her mouth across her lover's jawline, until she finds her ear, which she bites softly, and oh god this is hot...-

Kaede took a deep breath.

-Like it were chocolate ice cream, she caresses her ear with her tongue, the other girl sighing in pleasure, running her hand lower into her shorts, until she finds what she's looking for. She pulls back slightly, her black pigtails shaking as her face, once lost in pleasure, suddenly becomes flush with naughty determination. Her blonde lover looks into her eyes, unable to show her surprise, until she feels exactly what is she up to... and gasps, her knees weak, her cheeks flushed red, and...

Kaede put her arms around her own waist.

-She brings her mouth lower, licking her neck. The dark-haired, dark-skinned woman smiles satisfied, knowing herself to be the one in power, even if her outfit is the friskier one. Her lover keeps going lower and lower with her tongue, kissing her neck, then under her neck, then her collarbones, and finally stops at her tank top, moaning softly in frustration, unable to ever get enough of her. She tries to reach back up, but she stands up far taller than she is, and she grimaces, and I can't take it anymore...

Kaede's arms were around her waist. But only then did the kid realize what were they there for.

-It's still too hot!- she complained, taking off her tank top, leaving her chest bare except for a lacy brassiere, even if all he could see was her back. She seemed to think about taking off her brassiere as well. The kid tried his hardest not to stare. Hansel, on the other hand...

"Mmmm-MMMM!"

-So she bends lower, and lower, and lower...- Kaede peeked out of the window, and bent lower, and lower, and lower, until all the kid could see was her buttocks against her skirt. And she had been sweating... and she wasn't wearing any underwear... his jaw shivered...- until she finds her nipple, even through the shirt, which she takes in her lips. And once more, her lover moans satisfied, but then she clenches her teeth in joy, pulls her up, stroking her fingers under her lover's shorts, thrusting with her arm, and she...

Hansel heard a strong moan.

-Give it to her, girl! You're doing it right!- Kaede yelled.- Don't mind me, I'm just watching! And narrating it. Wouldn't you want to come up here? There's a little more privacy... it could be the three of us... the four of us if he is nice...- she gave him a brief look.

-Please, stop!- the kid sobbed.

-Kid, if you want me do anything, there's only one thing you can do.- she turned to him, and winked.



And so, Hansel willed it to happen with every fiber of his being. The kid had to stop delaying the inevitable. He had to give it to her already!



-Okay, okay, I'll say it! I was picked by House Rawvarze for an expedition into Frost Peak, where an armed squad retreated after attacking a convoy headed for the Ur-Sagol gate a month ago! I did everything I could, I swear... but even after I planned the expedition, there were some points I got stuck at.- he finally said, lowering his face near the end.

"Wha'!? Well, this is one hell of a weird dream..."

Kaede smiled satisfiedly at him, and then made a gesture at the street. Then she walked up back to behind the desk.

-I didn't look for nemesises, because I couldn't deal with the spine beetle swarms... teacher, how do we deal with a spine beetle swarm?

-Hm?- she asked, tilting her head, raising her legs over the desk. The kid raised his head once more. That dark pantyhose, that short beige skirt, that definition, tone and length... he had already melted long ago, this was just spraying water on the thirsty guy's back.

-You really want to know how to deal with a spine beetle swarm?- she asked.

"NO! I WANT PORN!"

-Yes! I want to know... please, don't leave me hanging. I need to know how to handle them. I've tried looking for solutions in every possible way, from every possible angle. I've searched in every codex, checked every weapon... there's no man-portable and readily available solution, is there? Is there?

-You're right, my dear boy.- she chuckled.- There's no solution, sometimes you've got to run. That deserves a little prize, don't you think?

"At last! Chika-chika pow-wow!"

-Wait, and how do we deal with tonorions...?- the kid asked, almost yelling. But there was no turning back. Something had changed in her eyes. She leaned over the desk, placing a finger on his nose. His yell drowned in his throat; if she had tased him instead of touching him he'd have taken it better.

-Forget about a little prize...- she smiled.- Let's make it a big prize...- then she leaned back, standing up, and up, and up... only then he realized just how tall she was. At least ten feet tall, judging from the height of the ceiling. Then he checked again... no, the ceiling was a lot farther. She was at least thirty feet tall. He spun his head around, everything was far, too far away... except the chair he was sitting on. Now she was so tall he couldn't see her eyes anymore. And all the impossible lust was trumped by an even greater sensation of terror... which still couldn't kill his stiffle. He leaned forward on the chair, ready to run away, but as he was close to getting off, suddenly he realized the ground was too far away. The chair's legs were too long.

"Something's wrong!" he realized. "Oh, and it was getting so good... but well, at least she's still sexy. Come to think of it, she's even sexier this way..."

The kid shouted at the top of his lungs. Then a few fingers enwrapped lovingly around his form... he felt the palm around his private parts, the fingers around his back, he felt them rub around his back, one of them sliding around his thigh... and then he saw himself drawn towards that smile, getting closer and closer, her mouth opening...

-Forget about the tonorions, worry about me tonight.- Kaede said, before placing him in. Suddenly, all his front side was wet with saliva; an oddly pleasant sensation. As her lips closed and everything turned dark, he wondered if she'd chew now... but then he realized he was now wet on the back, too, being smothered against her palate. He was wet all over, and as she swallowed, he was manhandled by her esophagus and then thrown in a dark, damp, soft place. Where he finally started crying...

"Hmmm..." he thought. "That was probably not supposed to arouse me, but it did..."

-Was it good for you too?- he heard her ask. Even inside her, he realized she laid down and took a deep breath. He could only imagine what she was doing next... as he heard a door open.- Come in, girls...

======

He drifted off attention after a while, finding himself comfortable in the warm darkness... until he woke up, changed his underwear, got down, and met the group. The guide already was there.

-Greetings, Tandy.- Hansel smiled.- I trust you're all acquainted by now?

-Yes. We were just waiting for you to wake up.- Trish said.

-Hope you don't try to die! Don't you think, kid?- Joey grinned, running a hand around Will's hair.

"He made good on his threat." Hansel thought. "Well, turns out he was right, too." he smiled to himself.

-By the way, Tandy, I needed to ask you one or two things... I've been going over fighting strategies, and...

-Running strategies, you mean.- Tandy smirked.- We don't fight.

-Of course, but when worst comes to worst, I mean.

-When worst comes to worst we'll be eaten. You planned for that?- Tandy smirked, again.

-Just... listen to me. I'm serious, Tandy, when we can't run, we'd better have a plan.

Tandy shrugged.

-Okay, I'll listen. Not that you're paying me to listen, but I'll humour you.

Hansel took his notebook.

-If we were to meet a... drakewillow nexolt...

-Don't worry about that.- Tandy said, dismissively.- They don't live in Chidokai.

Hansel nodded.

-Then how about a spine beetle swarm?

-Oh, you don't have to worry about that either! They're very obvious, we can give them a really wide berth.

He breathed deeply.

-But... oh, well, that's a relief. How about kensha beasts?- he asked, grimacing.

-They? Oh, well, they're dangerous, I guess. Why? What tactics do you have for fighting them?

-Well, look, I designed this...- he changed the page.- I've got a stun gun, Joey has a shotgun, we can find him rock salt to make rock salt rounds, and Trish here uses fire. So if we keep the high ground, we can try to set them on fire, electrify them, and put them in a state of agony, while Will here, protected by... one of us, either me or Rehsams, uses a lasso to catch one and tie it down. While they're running, if one's caught, we maim it completely so that either its partners return to nurse it, or another predator eats it.

-Okay, good enough!- Tandy exclaimed.- Believe me, you don't need to be that afraid! Worse people than you have survived Felarya, I'm sure that your plan will work.

-Really?- Hansel asked.

-Except you need to know something: their hides are too thick, rock salt will only work if you shoot it at the eyes or the groin, so I'd recommend you didn't bother fighting back unless you REALLY knew what you were doing, and even then, running away unless they REALLY left you with no other choice.

-Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it.- Hansel smiled. Tandy sighed merrily.

-And they're extremely rare on Chidokai, too! You might as well be planning for a zombie invasion. Just out of curiosity, did you plan for dryads? Because if we meet one, we won't find it, it will find us! And there I won't be able to help you, it'd be quite a sight to see you fight the power there.

-Yes. We've got a fire user, and two backup sources, both capable of setting something on fire.

-Well, that's great! I've got to say, among all the people I've had to guide, mister, you might be the one with the best chances... for a guy who's never been in Felarya before. Most people bring only one person who can use fire. Oh, do you have any healers?

-I brought three healing potions, but no, nothing else.

Tandy nodded.

-That's okay, Felarya heals wounds really quickly. Besides, most things don't want to hurt you, they just want to put you in a warm, dark place you won't escape ever. Still, better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it... Oh, and we'll have to be sneaky.

-Of course we'll be sneaky. We're not wearing armor, as you can see, except... well, this doesn't clank, so it doesn't count.- he said, pointing at his greaves.

-Okay, putting it that way, I'd say we can get you to Frost Peak.

-Well, that's great...- he sighed.- I'm relieved. I was really concerned.

-With good reason, too.

-Oh, do you have anything to say if we meet a river mermaid?

-Yes. One word: run!

"Why am I in such a good mood today? It's almost noon and I'm yet to suspect anyone of being trying to kill me... I only suspect this neko only listened to get rid of me as fast as possible..."

======

The city of Negav stood on the middle of a colossal clearing, its walls rising as large as the trees. Great cannons decorated and punctuated the smooth stone of the walls.

A huge gate and a bridge over the moat punctured the wall at one point. And as the gate opened, six people walked out.

The first man was not really a man- it was a catlike humanoid. He was comfortable in the wild, and his loose, white clothes could but hint at the dexterity and speed that he was capable of. Knives and small weapons were intersparsed among his clothes.

The second man was a massive figure with flesh tempered under the desert's sun. The thin, sparse armor he wore served only to punctuate the superlative strength of his body. On his belt, he had a large hammer, and on his back, he had a powerful bow. His face was a clear challenge to the might of all that lived.

The third man had alabaster skin, and glowing golden hair. His eyes were as dark as the night, and he wore thin, sparse armor over a black top and pants. He carried a large sack slung over his shoulder, and a wicked smile in his lips. Though his eyes seemed to be drifting.

A woman was to his left. She wore a velvet robe and a cloak, both cut specifically to emphasize her shape and allow all range of movement. Behind her piercing eyes, beneath her mauve hair, she had the tools to reshape the world according to her whim.

The fourth man was behind her. He wore a green vest, a brown shirt, green pants, a cap, and had a large black shotgun. His face was all but ineffable behind his sunglasses. He had a large backpack, and several concealed objects.

And there was a small boy, too, or perhaps not. Clad in a green shirt and brown shorts, the ears in his red hair and his catlike tail were forms that let one judge function. The large roll of rope on his back and his confident smile were a reminder that maybe there was more than met the eye.

The gate closed behind them, a reminder that the journey had begun, and there was no turning back anymore. But something was bothering the third man.

-Hey, wait, guys, I forgot something very important.- Hansel giggled.

They turned around.

-What's the matter?- Tandy asked.

-Look, I still have half a ruby... and I just remembered, I forgot to buy clean underwear and warm socks for everyone.

They almost fainted at the surprise.

-Well, it's too late for that!- Rehsams exclaimed.- We'll have to make do.

-No, we can't go anywhere unless we have clean underwear and spare socks.

-They aren't that important...- Trish smirked.

-Yes they are. Don't know about you, people, but I think socks are vital. We wouldn't want to catch a cold.

-This is Felarya, there's no cold here!- Will exclaimed.

-Look, we can go through Nekomura if you want. They've got socks and underwear there too.- Tandy commented.

-Okay, let's do that.- Hansel nodded. They kept moving on...

-If only my mother had been like you...- Joey chuckled.

I think the story is going nicely so far. the dialogs flow especially well I think ^^
But it's maybe a bit too random.. I mean breaking the fourth wall and using randomness is nice but here it hindered a bit the reading, at least for me ^^;

Imma sorry!? Did I break the fourth wall?

Maybe it's a bit confusing with Hansel's dreams, I'll accept that, but I never really broke the fourth wall. Hansel IS a powerless observer in his own mind when he's in Kaede's grip.