Max in Felarya

hey guys this is a story that i wrote a good amount of time ago. After i got some tips i decided to rewrite it and see what yall thought about it.



Creeping through the ferny Rain forest Max stalks his prey. As his dark black hair is blown in the wind he notices an odd smell in the air, but puts it out of his mind as he remembers his prey. Max was somehow born with an abnormality within his tribe, his hearing, smell, and sight are somewhat superhuman, by using these senses he has been able to hunt easily and through his many years he has learned how to walk without making a sound. As he follows his prey he sees it’s tail swishing low to the ground as it follows a baby deer in the hope of an easy meal. The jaguar slowly flexes its muscles and it pounces toward the deer. The jaguar finishes off the deer as Max walks closer. As it begins to devour its meal Max realizes that the time has come to kill his prey. Max raises his spear to kill. Suddenly he steps on a twig and the beast sees him. It’s eyes seem to have a red tint as blood drips from its maw. Max must act fast. He throws his spear at the animal’s chest with all the strength in his body as it attacks as well. The spear’s sharp point pierces its chest and it falls to the ground as blood starts to seep out of its wound. He must work fast or other predators will follow the scent of the jaguar’s blood. He pulls the spear out of it’s chest and throw the carcass over his shoulder. This will feed him for a great many days. As he walks back towards his village he notices that he is not on the familiar path anymore. Where is he?

Suddenly as he moves into a clearing Max notices out of the corner of his eye something giant move behind the green foliage. He drops the body and moves away from this shape. Suddenly a hand comes out of the sky and attempts to grab him. He does the only thing that he can think of. He stabs the hand with his spear, but the spearhead bursts into a hundred pieces. “Now why would you try to do that?” questions a delicate voice seemingly coming from the sky. “What are you?” says Max with apparent fright as his face twists into a look of terror. “ I am a naga obviously” says the being as she slithers into the clearing. This being is the most beautiful and largest thing Max has ever seen. She must be at least 70-75 feet tall. She has blonde hair down to her back and a female human upper body with the largest breasts he has ever seen with a snake body for her lower body. Her scales are a teal color. Max is so dazed by this giant snake woman that he doesn’t notice that she has picked him up into her hand and he is level with her face now. “ You still haven’t answered my question” she states. “ Why did you try to stab me with your spear?” “What do you mean why did I try to stab you???? You tried to pick me up!!!!” screams Max. “ Ok” she says with a cry of glee as she opens her mouth and allows him to see its glimmering saliva filled depths. “What are you doing” yells Max in apparent fright as he looks into her mouth and sees its seemingly endless depths as her through pulses with life, waiting for its next meal. “ I am eating you of course” she says and tilts her head back and playfully lowers him into her mouth.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” he screams while in a dazed panic from the sight below him. The sight of his dark wet grave rapidly approaching to accept him. Suddenly he is pulled out of her mouth again and is once more face to face with this giant woman. “ What are you yelling about???” she asks in astonishment. “ Why are you trying to eat me?” he asks at the verge of tears. “ What do you mean why are you trying to eat me?” she asks as a devilish smile parts her voluptuous lips and shows her glimmering teeth as if to show her prey his future. “ I am a predator and you are the prey. I eat you. That is how it is in Felarya. Now have fun in my belly!!” she says with apparent glee as she begins to lower him into her mouth again. “ Wait wait wait!!!” Max screams. “ What can I do to not be eaten??? Is there anything I can do???” Once again he is pulled from her mouth and is talking to her again. “ Well do you know any songs or good stories?” she asks merrily, hoping to get a story from her food before she finishes this meal.

“ No but I can fight pretty well” states Max in hopes that this will suffice and allow him a chance not to become another meal for this predator.
“Well I will let you go if you can beat me in a fight!!!” she exclaims loudly hoping that she will be able to play with her food. “ But I am too small to fight you and I have no weapon” he says weakly as he senses his hope vanishing as rapidly as it appeared. “ Oh… well I happen to have a weapon that I was given by a piece of food who stole it from another man during his sleep” she cries as she reaches into a giant hole in a tree that seemingly has a great many possessions in it. “ Aha” she exclaims as she pulls a double sided large axe from the hole and hands it to him. As he takes it from its leather holder Max notices that it is a dark black double bladed axe with a white edge and has the word Xamaz etched into its metallic handle. Suddenly as he holds it with both hands the world come into focus more and he notices that it is suddenly very light. His hair stand on end as he swings it at a large tree. CRACK. It the only sound that can be heard for a moment when the axe’s blade touches the tree’s trunk and the tree topples over. He notices that it has been cut clean in half, as have all of the trees in line with it. With a smile he looks at this giant woman and states” My name is Max and you will lose this fight!” “ A wicked smile flickers across the woman’s face and she says “My name is Crisis. Prepare To Be Eaten!” For once since their encounter the surrounding forest is silent.

Ummm... I really don't think Crisis is the fighting for fun type. Especially when she stands a chance of being badly injured or even killed by a ridiculously overpowered axe she gave to some random human.

The rest of the story needed some improvement, but wasn't all bad, the present tense was nice and consistent, at least. I really don't get why Max would hunt a dangerous, (as well as endangered) animal like a jaguar for food though, that seemed like a bad attempt at making him seem badass. It'd make him seem more like a normal person if he was hunting a deer or something like a sane man.

thanks for the advise... just to answer the somewhat questions.... Crisis didnt know it was magical... it only activates when it encounters its true owner...... she thought that she would just be toying with him. the jaguar was used to show the extent of his abilities. he was walking so softly that it didnt even notice him... and to also play on the predator killing predator aspect.... it isnt endangered at the time he hunts it... he belongs to a village in the rainforests of the Amazon.... this is in the late 18th century....